Living apart as a couple?

[Bolletje]

Alone time is amazing. I love my boyfriend but he's often "on" when I'm not. He talks when I want quiet, he wants to snuggle when I want to be alone, he wants to sleep with the TV on while I need the bedroom to be dark and quiet.
I've asked him to dial down the intensity a little, but he can't help what he's like any more than I can.

 

[Katleya]

I have not read the other replies yet so here goes...

I have considered the same thing. My girlfriend and I cannot be in the kitchen at the same time. She is always putting things in different places. I spend more time trying to find the tools and ingredients than it takes me to cook/bake something. She uses more paper towels in a week than I use in two years (you know, save the trees and all that). She has every product known to mankind that comes in a spray bottle or can. The smell of most of them bothers me so much I have to go outside. I am constantly telling her how to do everything (though I'm getting better since I read a bunch of books and found this place). It seems like I can never get around to doing the things I want to do because she always has something else for me to do. If I am hot she is cold. If I am cold she is hot. We cannot agree on where to set the thermostat. She likes rock and roll and TV shows. Those things make me nuts. I bought her some wireless headphones so she can listen to that stuff while I'm home. She is NT and I am AS. We approach nearly everything differently. I keep thinking that the solution would be separate homes, possibly even next to each other. We could sleep together whenever we want. She, of course, thinks it's a silly idea and that we can work out our differences because our core values are the same. She has read several Asperger's books and is beginning to understand me a little better. For now we are trying to work it out.

I think you will find a lot of useful experience shared on the thread, then, when you get to reading all of the replies, James.
The kitchen, the paper towels, the temperatures, the sounds and overall opposite approach on nearly every "detail" of life, but similar core values: I'm going through the exact same things, and the more I debate it, the more I'm realizing the only AS I'm in denial about is... my boyfriend. But he would be in denial about it, too, and insist he's an NT & I'm the only Aspie, so...

Anyways, I can relate to so, so much of what you wrote. You should check out @WereBear's post, too, she has one that documents moving into 2 apartments in the same house.
But if the life rules differences are important & can't be agreed upon, it's bound to make either one or both of you miserable, and the saddest thing is sometimes we agree, but it's still driving us crazy. I've given up on having the kitchen organized the way I would need it to be, because he was even more rigid in his ways than I am. But it's driving me crazy nevertheless & creating major resentment, because I cook a lot more, and he hardly ever does, so if anyone should have had their way, it should have been me... yet I'm the one who's called "selfish". [Important documents have no business being placed in a drawer next to the stove where they could catch fire, dammit!!!]

 

[JamesBon92007]

Now, if only I could muster the courage to bring him that test to confirm...
But I appreciate you warning me on possible not-so-nice effects, that's something to keep in mind.

In my particular case I believe it was very helpful. Now there is a specific reason I am the way I am and we can look at the graphs and see the differences.

 

[JamesBon92007]

I think you will find a lot of useful experience shared on the thread, then, when you get to reading all of the replies, James.

I just read all of the replies and, as usual, got a lot of helpful information

I re-read my post and it sounded to me like I was blaming her for everything, but it's me too. I think she was headed towards a case of the Cassandra Phenomenon (formally called a syndrome) and I have found myself stopping myself from telling what she's doing wrong all the time. It's not that either of us is wrong, it's just that we are so different. Fortunately the one place we never have any issues is in the bedroom
We also have a great time when we are traveling. I suspect that part of the problem is that I moved into her house. I have not lived in someone else's house since I was 18 (I'm now 64). I'm used to having my way in my own home.

 

[Katleya]

In my particular case I believe it was very helpful. Now there is a specific reason I am the way I am and we can look at the graphs and see the differences.

It was helpful in my case as well, but that would be because I was looking for answers as to what made me so different and unadjusted. So I did get the epiphany upon reading the Aspie signs, and was happy it explained so much because I needed so much explained.
He, on the other hand, seems to be content with who he is. He's not shy about having some very set ways and principles, but he's convinced he's perfectly right and "normal" (meaning at the moment, he's also still trying to digest my diagnosis now that it's official). I'm not sure he's quite ready to find out he's actually playing for the same team as I am, except he's somewhat better at passing than I am (and I should wish him so, because my assessment scores hardly left room for any doubt).

 

[JamesBon92007]

My neurotypical score was 68 so that perhaps gives me a slight advantage over others with lower scores in that category. Plus my highest area on the graph on the NT side is in "relationships." I don't know how much of that is my age--I have learned skills over the years. The average person that I meet probably thinks I'm fairly normal however those who know me a little better probably think I'm a bit odd. For us the quiz was helpful because it very clearly illustrates our differences: we are practically mirror images of each other. If nothing else it would be interesting to see how your boyfriend does on the quiz. In your case it sounds like you are both AS so I'm not sure how helpful it would be to see and compare the results. It might not be so helpful in the same way as it was for me but perhaps it might be in another way. On an individual level, for me it was helpful having a reason for being the way I am.

As for being "right" I'm absolutely certain I am right all the time! The problem is that she is "right" too. With both of us being right someone needs to relinquish and possibly agree to the other being "right" half the time, i.e. take turns being right We are trying something along those lines now and so far it seems to be working. It's difficult when you have two "leaders" and each is used to being in charge.

It just occurred to me that we are constantly planning our next trip, even before we go on the next one we have planned. She generally has different ideas about where to stay and how many activities we should plan but while we are traveling we are on neutral ground. We each pay half so on those terms we are equal. It's looking like traveling is one way we can keep things congenial.

 

[Katleya]

My neurotypical score was 68 so that perhaps gives me a slight advantage over others with lower scores in that category. Plus my highest area on the graph on the NT side is in "relationships." I don't know how much of that is my age--I have learned skills over the years. The average person that I meet probably thinks I'm fairly normal however those who know me a little better probably think I'm a bit odd. For us the quiz was helpful because it very clearly illustrates our differences: we are practically mirror images of each other. If nothing else it would be interesting to see how your boyfriend does on the quiz. In your case it sounds like you are both AS so I'm not sure how helpful it would be to see and compare the results. It might not be so helpful in the same way as it was for me but perhaps it might be in another way. On an individual level, for me it was helpful having a reason for being the way I am.

All very valid points, and I agree with you. Now I just have to figure out how to interrupt him & bring it up.

As for being "right" I'm absolutely certain I am right all the time! The problem is that she is "right" too. With both of us being right someone needs to relinquish and possibly agree to the other being "right" half the time, i.e. take turns being right We are trying something along those lines now and so far it seems to be working. It's difficult when you have two "leaders" and each is used to being in charge.

Oh, for me it's just that I know I'm right all the time. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong, it just turns out it hardly ever happens, so there's nothing to admit (kidding, kidding... I actually do admit I'm wrong sometimes) But yes, the clash of leaders takes a lot of fine-tuning and tip-toeing.

 

[WereBear]

I get along well with people; it just takes a lot out of me.

I had a baffling illness for years, eroding my health and sanity. I barely avoided screwing up in my job and having a nervous breakdown. While along the way I did a lot of strategies to improve my health, it didn't really start getting better until my Aspie diagnosis. Then I could really figure out what was wearing me down, and the part of my job that included interacting with lots of strangers turned out to be the most exhausting thing.

Now that I know I have to recover from lots of input, I can recover much better than I used to. Without revealing my diagnosis to anyone but one person, and not asking for anything, I still took advantage of some luck that came my way, and have lowered this contact greatly with a new job assignment.

Which boils down to: sometimes I have to be alone. Now both myself and my guy knows that. I came home from a travel day yesterday, I just curled up on the couch with my podcasts and didn't socialize with him as we normally do. This is the lowest possible input without making me bored to pieces without input

And he went off to his own space to let me recharge. And I worked. I slept well and feel pretty good today.

 

[Maelstrom]

I get along well with people; it just takes a lot out of me.

I had a baffling illness for years, eroding my health and sanity. I barely avoided screwing up in my job and having a nervous breakdown. While along the way I did a lot of strategies to improve my health, it didn't really start getting better until my Aspie diagnosis. Then I could really figure out what was wearing me down, and the part of my job that included interacting with lots of strangers turned out to be the most exhausting thing.

Now that I know I have to recover from lots of input, I can recover much better than I used to. Without revealing my diagnosis to anyone but one person, and not asking for anything, I still took advantage of some luck that came my way, and have lowered this contact greatly with a new job assignment.

Which boils down to: sometimes I have to be alone. Now both myself and my guy knows that. I came home from a travel day yesterday, I just curled up on the couch with my podcasts and didn't socialize with him as we normally do. This is the lowest possible input without making me bored to pieces without input

And he went off to his own space to let me recharge. And I worked. I slept well and feel pretty good today.

Yeah! I just got tagged on the thyroid...in addition to my other anemia long term illness, am not very happy about it.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I have the same problem between my wife and myself. I would love to have a place where she would not come to when I go there. As it is, we have a house with 3 bedrooms; ours, hers, and mine. However, when I go to mine, she will barge in any time. And she comes hunting for me whenever there was a disagreement. She will come back and leave a dozen times, just making it worse each time.

So my question is, do you have that rule for your 2 apartments? I was thinking this could be a great thing for us, maybe if I could go into the basement and she would refrain from going down there, is it a possible solution? In Canada we have basements below the main level of the house that are typically unfurnished and used for storage, which is what we use it for.

I will of course be reading your blog about 2 apartments right now!

"when I go to mine, she will barge in any time. And she comes hunting for me whenever there was a disagreement. She will come back and leave a dozen times, just making it worse each time."
This sounds like a boundary issue to me- we all need boundries to be respected by others even significant others/partners. I think when others ignore our boundaries that is when we feel the need to get away.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Agree with those who say do what works for you and your SO. What's more important, what works for the relationship and makes you both happy or what others think?
Also, it's almost impossible to have a good relationship without compromise and consideration of partner's needs as well as your own.
Aspie's aren't the only ones who need space, alone time and privacy: I do too. I'm an NT who could never tolerate being glued to someone else or being with someone who won't respect boundaries and tries to force me to be just like them. But that doesn't mean I won't compromise.

 

[WereBear]

Mr WereBear (NT) and I (Aspie) have evolved into a "zone system" with an apartment on the first floor, and one on the third we use for business. That is Mr WereBear's studio, and he spends his active time there. If he gets tired, he comes downstairs to our bedroom, which is its own "zone" with TV and a powder room, and if he wants to listen to audiobooks on his iPad, it won't bother me in my studio, the living room, where he does not go unless we want mutual social time there. Oddly, the full bathroom is off the living room, but that makes it a "zone" of its own when I need to decompress or do creative work.

Likewise, I show up in the bedroom when I want to spend time with him watching a movie or just reading a book while he does something else. But if I declare myself off limits, I go into my studio and he respects that.

 

[Tom]

I'm mentally hung up on the pillowcases.... but anyway I guess I, I mean we evolved into what WereBear above called zones. I have certain areas I can go for solitude/quiet. I wouldn't have missed the co-habitation for anything though. Life to me is so much better with a partner. In my view it is much more preferable then living alone.

 

[Tobs]

Mr WereBear (NT) and I (Aspie) have evolved into a "zone system" with an apartment on the first floor, and one on the third we use for business. That is Mr WereBear's studio, and he spends his active time there. If he gets tired, he comes downstairs to our bedroom, which is its own "zone" with TV and a powder room, and if he wants to listen to audiobooks on his iPad, it won't bother me in my studio, the living room, where he does not go unless we want mutual social time there. Oddly, the full bathroom is off the living room, but that makes it a "zone" of its own when I need to decompress or do creative work.

Likewise, I show up in the bedroom when I want to spend time with him watching a movie or just reading a book while he does something else. But if I declare myself off limits, I go into my studio and he respects that.

That sounds like a very practical system. I will keep it in mind the next time I make an attempt at co-habitation.

 

[Keigan]

One of my favorite quotes is from Katharine Hepburn “men and women should live close and visit often”

 

[the_tortoise]

It doesn't matter what people normally do, only what works for you and your partner. So, if you both would be happy living apart, and want to live apart, you should live apart.

 

[Needingspace]

Is this thread still live? Does anyone have suggestions for ways I can help my AS husband to see that having his own home would be good for him?

 

[Judge]

Have any of you ever considered or gone through things like that? I was thinking maybe some of you would have a constructive opinion that wouldn't sound like "umm, sweetie, you're doing this wrong, this is not how couples work".

I did. In living together over time it just didn't work for me. From my own point of view, it was stressing the relationship to the point of breaking.

At one point we did break up, and shortly after she moved out I thought I managed to repair the relationship. And for me, living apart was like a breath of fresh air to maintain the relationship. However what I couldn't see was that she was seeking to restore the relationship as it once was before.

Inevitably I suppose, she terminated the relationship much to my regret. Though it was at a time when neither she or myself had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism.

It's a good question as to whether one's partner truly is willing to exist in a relationship under those conditions. Though I'm inclined to lament that most if not all NTs would probably come to resent it in whole or in part. However that's my own bias based on this particular experience. Interesting though to speculate on a more positive outcome had my significant other been on the spectrum as well. Which might make all the difference in the world in living physically apart yet maintaining a close relationship.

 

[Needingspace]

Hi Judge. Love your profile picture! Well, I'm NT, and I'm yearning for my AS husband to understand the need to live separately. And I also know a double-AS couple who've been happily married and have three happily married kids. I'm sure now you've got your diagnosis you're better placed to do things differently with a new partner.
But can you help me please? How do you think I can help my AS husband to understand that living separately would be better for both of us? I really don't want to leave him, but I'm at breaking point.

 

[Katleya]

The thing is that no decision will have a positive outcome if it's not stemming from a true wish on both ends.
If it's a decision that's pushed by one party onto the other, regardless of neurology, there will be resentment and back-pedalling in the end. Perhaps you would find more answers if you started a new thread.