Living apart as a couple?

[Katleya]

I've been pondering this for a while now, and I've come to the conclusion that while I do love my boyfriend and wish I were able to live in harmony with him, it seems as unrealistic a wish as tying pillowcases to my arms and jumping out the window hoping I'll manage to fly.
My need for quietness, a certain routine and alone time is just so strong that it is incompatible with being a live-in girlfriend or wife. And it's really me, not him: I've tried to put myself in the other perspective, and I think it would be perceived as very cruel for anyone, even if they understand why I need this much space and me-time, to ask of them that they agree to leave me alone, let me sleep alone, cook alone, all while avoiding things that can make me snap or meltdown (and let's be honest here, I snap all the time. And if I try to control that, then I have a meltdown from suppressing too much of everything).

So I've been thinking perhaps we should go back to living apart; and this has nothing to do with going on a break or anything --turns out, he also prefers living on his own. He works from home, and living with me has affected his work pretty badly. In addition to that, he has somewhat similar needs to me in terms of space, alone time, and noise, except his is he must have noise around him at all times. (Side note: I can "scan" people as most of us probably do, and figure out fairly quickly if they're NTs or Aspies. Him? I can't. He's either an NT with an unusual number of, umm, traits, or an Aspie who has found the Rosetta Stone to reading people & expressions, and detecting manipulation). So we both feel it would be better to go back to 1 couple, 2 places if we want to stay together, otherwise we're just going to carry on being 2 raging balls of frustration, and nothing good will come out of this. We're very similar in our "mating for life approach", so that's not a concern to either one of us. We're also too set in our ways (and old, but that's him, not me) for thinking that any amount of therapy would help us be more tolerant of having someone sharing our space. Oddly enough, I think this reinforces the idea that we're soulmates (and I'm everything but the romantic type, trust me).

Have any of you ever considered or gone through things like that? I was thinking maybe some of you would have a constructive opinion that wouldn't sound like "umm, sweetie, you're doing this wrong, this is not how couples work".

I know there's no way I'm going to get sound advice or insight from the few NT friends I have, they're mostly people my age desperately trying to find someone, or people on the verge of break up, so either way, they would project their couple issues on me. Plus, no way super conformists will ever admit that maybe a different lifestyle is a smart choice.
So you all are pretty much the only people I can turn to.

 

[Darius]

That's a very good idea. Don't worry about others. Based on what you wrote it shouldn't impact negatively your partnership but it can make things better again.

 

[Maelstrom]

I've been pondering this for a while now, and I've come to the conclusion that while I do love my boyfriend and wish I were able to live in harmony with him, it seems as unrealistic a wish as tying pillowcases to my arms and jumping out the window hoping I'll manage to fly.
My need for quietness, a certain routine and alone time is just so strong that it is incompatible with being a live-in girlfriend or wife. And it's really me, not him: I've tried to put myself in the other perspective, and I think it would be perceived as very cruel for anyone, even if they understand why I need this much space and me-time, to ask of them that they agree to leave me alone, let me sleep alone, cook alone, all while avoiding things that can make me snap or meltdown (and let's be honest here, I snap all the time. And if I try to control that, then I have a meltdown from suppressing too much of everything).

So I've been thinking perhaps we should go back to living apart; and this has nothing to do with going on a break or anything --turns out, he also prefers living on his own. He works from home, and living with me has affected his work pretty badly. In addition to that, he has somewhat similar needs to me in terms of space, alone time, and noise, except his is he must have noise around him at all times. (Side note: I can "scan" people as most of us probably do, and figure out fairly quickly if they're NTs or Aspies. Him? I can't. He's either an NT with an unusual number of, umm, traits, or an Aspie who has found the Rosetta Stone to reading people & expressions, and detecting manipulation). So we both feel it would be better to go back to 1 couple, 2 places if we want to stay together, otherwise we're just going to carry on being 2 raging balls of frustration, and nothing good will come out of this. We're very similar in our "mating for life approach", so that's not a concern to either one of us. We're also too set in our ways (and old, but that's him, not me) for thinking that any amount of therapy would help us be more tolerant of having someone sharing our space. Oddly enough, I think this reinforces the idea that we're soulmates (and I'm everything but the romantic type, trust me).

Have any of you ever considered or gone through things like that? I was thinking maybe some of you would have a constructive opinion that wouldn't sound like "umm, sweetie, you're doing this wrong, this is not how couples work".

I know there's no way I'm going to get sound advice or insight from the few NT friends I have, they're mostly people my age desperately trying to find someone, or people on the verge of break up, so either way, they would project their couple issues on me. Plus, no way super conformists will ever admit that maybe a different lifestyle is a smart choice.
So you all are pretty much the only people I can turn to.

A sound proof bat cave for him with a couch bed bathroom and kitchentte?
Maybe a sound proof reading room for you with a sun room on the front with lovely plants and a nice fluffy cat curled up on a rug?
to keep you centered?

The trick is to figure out what it is you truly want...and then to search for the best way to get it.

Often what you think you want...is not what you truly need.

 

[Katleya]

Well, in an ideal world, we would have a place to live in that's big enough to have maybe not each our wing, but at least several bathrooms/kitchens and all. That would be the dream. But everything here is tiny, noisy & super expensive, and moving to another area or outside the city is not an option due to some factors we won't be able to improve on.

There's also no real estate purchase in our future; think of it as having to live in New York city, and trying to buy a house on just one person's salary. I can't get a loan (not that I want to live on credit anyway), and he'd have a hard time negotiating one, too.

So unless we win the lottery (gotta start playing), this is our best shot at getting what we need.

 

[Maelstrom]

Well, in an ideal world, we would have a place to live in that's big enough to have maybe not each our wing, but at least several bathrooms/kitchens and all. That would be the dream. But everything here is tiny, noisy & super expensive, and moving to another area or outside the city is not an option due to some factors we won't be able to improve on.

There's also no real estate purchase in our future; think of it as having to live in New York city, and trying to buy a house on just one person's salary. I can't get a loan (not that I want to live on credit anyway), and he'd have a hard time negotiating one, too.

So unless we win the lottery (gotta start playing), this is our best shot at getting what we need.

Move out west here things are still cheap in places...less people to bother you too!
There are still places out here you can sit on the porch and hear nothing but grasshoper wings rattling and lizards slithering about in the sagebrush .

A pox on city life...being able to listen to grass and leaves rustle in the wind is good for the soul.

Now if only I could have a horse to wander the hills with?
A rotten little mustang would suit me just fine!

 

[Momo]

If both of you agree to it being a good idea and feel it will help with your relationship, then I don't see why you can't live apart.

 

[watersprite]

Yes agree with you; one has to weigh negatives vs positives and then [summon courage], and take action.
Lots of support here.

 

[SusanLR]

OMG, this is exactly what I am going through. Apart things were OK, but, living together I feel a prisoner. Problem is he wants to be like he thinks couples should be, doing everything together. We even have a house large enough we do have our own wings. But, it isn't a romantic relationship for me. It was supposed to be two friends who decided for various reasons decided it would be helpful living together. The house is his. So are the cars. He has money. I don't. If he hadn't developed this idea that we are a "couple" and should live like he sees marriage, it would be great. I contribute to household expenses, we help each other if we need, we could still go out to dinner, movies, whatever, like it used to be. But this must do everything together, agree on eating the same times, same things. Watching TV every evening together. "When will I be home when I go somewhere? How long will I be gone?" etc etc...it's like being on a short lease. We're both asexual, but, he has become too clingy. He would never agree to living seperate again. It's stay or hit the road.
Every form of refuge has it's price.

 

[Katleya]

Move out west here things are still cheap in places...less people to bother you too!
There are still places out here you can sit on the porch and hear nothing but grasshoper wings rattling and lizards slithering about in the sagebrush .

A pox on city life...being able to listen to grass and leaves rustle in the wind is good for the soul.

Now if only I could have a horse to wander the hills with?
A rotten little mustang would suit me just fine!

No... the good thing about not being in the US anymore is that I'm in France now... I have healthcare. For free! This is ever better than Canada (no offense, Canadian members), especially since my overall health is bad, I'd be worried to death if I were still on the East Coast.

PS: I'm terrified of grasshoppers and lizards. I still get nightmares from my summers in NC with grasshoppers longer than my hand.

But yeah, one day I hope to live in a house again. Then I can rescue as many cats as I want, and have a little garden.

 

[Katleya]

OMG, this is exactly what I am going through. Apart things were OK, but, living together I feel a prisoner. Problem is he wants to be like he thinks couples should be, doing everything together. We even have a house large enough we do have our own wings. But, it isn't a romantic relationship for me. It was supposed to be two friends who decided for various reasons decided it would be helpful living together. The house is his. So are the cars. He has money. I don't. If he hadn't developed this idea that we are a "couple" and should live like he sees marriage, it would be great. I contribute to household expenses, we help each other if we need, we could still go out to dinner, movies, whatever, like it used to be. But this must do everything together, agree on eating the same times, same things. Watching TV every evening together. "When will I be home when I go somewhere? How long will I be gone?" etc etc...it's like being on a short lease. We're both asexual, but, he has become too clingy. He would never agree to living seperate again. It's stay or hit the road.
Every form of refuge has it's price.

I feel for you. I was the one who initiated the move-in together because I thought this was what I wanted (what couples should do, I guess), but I was so wrong. I never realized how much it would cut on my freedom, or his, and we're not even doing everything together like you two are. Just reading your description, I could almost feel myself choking from the imaginary leash, so you have all of my sympathy.

 

[ksheehan88]

I wish I had thought of this before I moved in and had kids with my boyfriend, too late for me now! I say do it if that's what you feel you need.

 

[WereBear]

After 16 years of living together, mostly married, this is what Mr WereBear (NT) and I are doing. We live in an apartment on the third floor, and when a little first floor one became vacant about a month ago, I insisted we grab it.

Part of it is that we flat out needed more room, and this was the cheapest way to do it. Part of it is that Mr WereBear's health made a move problematic, and this was the easiest way to do it. Part of it was that our old apartment was so crowded I had to move from room to room as Mr WereBear's needs fluctuated, and it turns out this was not conducive to the creative process. (I am writing a book.)

It's been heavenly.

He spends some time with me on the first floor of an evening, and we do fun things together, but a lot of the rest of the time, he has his studio upstairs and I have mine downstairs. We both are getting work done (we are also running a small business, and he needs space for that) and have our time to ourselves.

Don't let artificial rules ruin a good thing. Do what works for you both. Make your together time really fun time by having your solitary time too.

While I have always loved my solitary time, finding out I am ND has both explained why, and made me realize how much I need it.

 

[WereBear]

Here's my thread on the subject:

Our solution: two apartments

Good luck!

 

[Mia]

Most of my day is art, reno's, exercise, gardening, cooking. His is guitar, internet, reno's. We've both compromised over the years of our relationship.

There are things I don't like to do, that he does and vice versa. I dislike noise, he can tolerate it far better than I can.

Were are both tolerant of one another, to varying degrees. He's been there for me every step of the way, and I for him. Understandably, my social life consists of him and literally no one else. Friend's are far away, family, I have little contact with, and as I no longer work I don't have those interactions anymore. I think you need to consider for yourself, the future, and as Penelope Trunk mentions, Aspies only need one friend and it's usually their spouse.

I'm glad that you've considered living together, knowing what to expect and what you will or will tolerate is an intelligent way to go about a relationship. A piece of paper signed by a stranger makes no difference.

 

[WereBear]

If I didn't know I was ND, it would be a struggle; I adore my Significant Other, but I also must be away from him (and everyone) sometimes.

My diagnosis has reassured both of us.

 

[Maelstrom]

OMG, this is exactly what I am going through. Apart things were OK, but, living together I feel a prisoner. Problem is he wants to be like he thinks couples should be, doing everything together. We even have a house large enough we do have our own wings. But, it isn't a romantic relationship for me. It was supposed to be two friends who decided for various reasons decided it would be helpful living together. The house is his. So are the cars. He has money. I don't. If he hadn't developed this idea that we are a "couple" and should live like he sees marriage, it would be great. I contribute to household expenses, we help each other if we need, we could still go out to dinner, movies, whatever, like it used to be. But this must do everything together, agree on eating the same times, same things. Watching TV every evening together. "When will I be home when I go somewhere? How long will I be gone?" etc etc...it's like being on a short lease. We're both asexual, but, he has become too clingy. He would never agree to living seperate again. It's stay or hit the road.
Every form of refuge has it's price.

....this thread is depressing me half to death...I want a aspie wife....seems to me all the aspie ladies want is free rent and a Library card.

Aren't there any aspies who can enjoy eachothers company without feeling smothered?

I am tired of just reading books and being alone...I would almost rather be dead then spend the last half of my life alone talking walls.

What good is it for me to discover beautiful things if I have no one to talk to about them?

I may as well not exist!

 

[Suzanne]

I am learning to say that it really is, at the end of the day, both of your decision, but from a personal point of view, think it a great idea and, hehe because I am a christian and do not believe in living together, you of course, will get a huge plus from me

I am, actually like your boyfriend, in that I cannot cope with silence; which to me, is louder than that noise and my husband, who is the NT cannot cope with a lot of noise.

I also have many meltdowns, but being married, means no walking away and so, I beg my husband to leave me alone, so I can calm down.

 

[Caddy]

Why does there have to be a 'right way' of doing things?
I sometimes really hate society and as a Brit I sometimes really want to scream at people (must do the right thing).
If this works for the 2 of you DO IT!

 

[Katleya]

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to share & for your support. I was already pretty sure this was the best for the both of us, but I was worried I might have been delusional, so it's very reassuring to see that yes, there are people in the world who see this as a good way to deal with things.

Obviously, we're not rigid on the same things, but always being flexible on the things that don't matter quite as much for me as they seem to for him in order to avoid loud scenes is draining. Sometimes, I need to have my way, too (especially when it's more logical & practical). Likewise, he's had to do that, so I'm sure it's taken a toll on him too, and the last thing I want is us making each other miserable.

We do have a major issue with handling the road to my meltdowns; I've been able to identify the signs that it's on its way, and when I lived alone, I could do something about it (or when I'm outside/at work, running away to some quiet place or locking myself in the bathroom, or whatever). But living with him has been like living with my parents (one of which is an opinionated and loud Aspie), in that even when I identify the signs and ask to be left alone so that it doesn't explodes all over the place, he is unable to leave me alone and will insist on confronting me right here, right now. We both end up hurt afterwards, and we both need days to recover. Same for his outbursts, except I don't chase him across the apartment trying to get my point across, lol. But we never had such issues in over 10 years together living apart, so...

I don't think I actually wanted us to live together. I thought I did, because that's what people are supposed to do, and there were practical aspects such as splitting the rent in half, getting rid of that subway ride to see him, etc., that we thought made it worth it. Had I had my diagnosis done already, not just the self-diagnosis, I would have done my introspective "due diligence", and realized being alone is a vital need.

If I didn't know I was ND, it would be a struggle; I adore my Significant Other, but I also must be away from him (and everyone) sometimes.

My diagnosis has reassured both of us.

This is the story of my life, couldn't have phrased it better!

....this thread is depressing me half to death...I want a aspie wife....seems to me all the aspie ladies want is free rent and a Library card.

Aren't there any aspies who can enjoy eachothers company without feeling smothered?

I am tired of just reading books and being alone...I would almost rather be dead then spend the last half of my life alone talking walls.

What good is it for me to discover beautiful things if I have no one to talk to about them?

I may as well not exist!

I'm certain there are Aspies who can enjoy each other's company, but it probably takes the right setting. And I have a feeling that the chances of successful cohabitation increase significantly if the matter is discussed openly and honestly before moving in together, just like when a contract is drafted. The ugly needs to be covered as well (in my case, the meltdowns), but who wants to talk about that? I'd be scared to make my significant other run away by talking about it, but isn't talking about it better than subjecting them to it without notice?

You don't have to be alone, I'm sure you can find an Aspie who is longing for companionship as well. It just takes finding someone with the right personality, and yes, the pool to find that special someone is smaller (but probably not as much smaller as we're told), but hang in there!

 

[Katleya]

I think I need to convince Mr. Katleya to at least take a couple of self-diagnosis tests online. I just need to know, you know?