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Learning to be myself

Devanne

New Member
As I have come to terms with the (relatively recent) insight that I am autistic, I have also come to realize that much of my behavior is simply a parrot of my neurotypical peers. I didn't notice that i had been changing my laugh to seem less "odd" or how often i suppressed discomfort to avoid seeming needy. Even when I am alone, I noticed myself avoiding behaviors like stimming that might be perceived as strange. I began to explore more introspection and found myself much less exhausted when socializing if I stop bothering to emote or match the energy of my social peer, to the point where I am realizing that my chronic fatigue is likely a result of this.

My question to you all is: as a late bloomer, what things did you learn about yourself that you did not expect? What aspects of your personality were entirely fabricated for survival and how did you fill in the gaps? Lastly, what is your favorite thing you learned about yourself during that introspective period?
 
Hi and welcome. I'm 63, and I note you are 40 years younger, so I ll point out that everything's relative, you may feel like a late bloomer now, but compared to many here you have worked this out quite early! I hope that you find out plenty more, continue to question things and do research that helps you feel comfortable with who you are.
 
Yeah I am trying to figure this out to. Not sure who I really am lived with trying to fake it so long constantly feeling and being treated like the black sheep of the family. Constantly being smart enough to do things then failing to maintain them. I am just mentally and physically tired so now instead of being the black sheep i am just lazy according to everyone but my wife and kids. BTW I am 43 just found out I have aspergers and low processing speed around 2017.
 
The most important lesson I have learned, both from disclosing to people, and from what I've read, is that disclosing your condition is not going to change much. Disclosing to your family may make some difference or not. Disclosing to NT friends seems like a mixed bag and not very useful. Only when you are with others with ASD will you be more accepted without masking. There is a lot to learn to make your social interactions less taxing though. Simple things like eye contact work arounds have helped me a lot.

The things a learned about myself, using the loads of information now available on line, was astounding. Although I have long known, though self-diagnosis that I am ASD-1, the comorbids I have been living with, are quite extensive. Many are more of a problem when school age and can be minimized by structuring your life to avoid them as an adult. For example, I have learned my hand-eye coordination is so terrible that to throw a ball at me is an act of cruelty :(.
 
As I have come to terms with the (relatively recent) insight that I am autistic, I have also come to realize that much of my behavior is simply a parrot of my neurotypical peers. I didn't notice that i had been changing my laugh to seem less "odd" or how often i suppressed discomfort to avoid seeming needy. Even when I am alone, I noticed myself avoiding behaviors like stimming that might be perceived as strange. I began to explore more introspection and found myself much less exhausted when socializing if I stop bothering to emote or match the energy of my social peer, to the point where I am realizing that my chronic fatigue is likely a result of this.

My question to you all is: as a late bloomer, what things did you learn about yourself that you did not expect? What aspects of your personality were entirely fabricated for survival and how did you fill in the gaps? Lastly, what is your favorite thing you learned about yourself during that introspective period?

Personally, it started out with educating myself about what autism is from an anatomy and physiology standpoint, so this would include all the potential causes, brain development within the womb, all the different autism variants, the progression, etc. Science the <****> out of it. Google scholar, PubMed, and Medline,...medical journal searches. YouTube does have some good scientific lectures posted, as well. For me, the behavior is nothing more than a symptom of an underlying anatomical and physiological condition. Knowing that, it helped be more accepting and more knowledgeable when discussing my condition with others who are willing to listen. It also helped me with my employer when discussing a few "accommodations". It helped me be more open with my co-workers and students,...and the interesting thing,...most people do not have the cognitive empathy to perspective take on this. With few exceptions, almost nothing has changed from my "coming out" to them.

I was lucky enough to have a comprehensive cognitive performance testing and interview process as part of my diagnosis,...and this gave me more insight into my strengths and weaknesses. Some things I could do very well, like 2 standard deviations above the norm, other things just slightly above normal,...and other things, I literally couldn't do at all (which really freaked me out).

I too, have found that masking or putting on a persona can be mentally exhausting. I work with the public in a very busy metropolitan hospital and on the side, I also am an adjunct instructor at a university,...so I have to be "in character",...and on the few days that I have off from work,...I do have to take that afternoon nap just to recover.

The favorite thing I learned about myself after my diagnosis: That after 52 years of not knowing why my life turned out the way it did, why my interpersonal relationships were different, why I never understood the world I lived in, why I was always on the periphery,...the "light bulb" turned on,...and now, I know. Years of beating myself up, low self-esteem issues,...gone. Guilt,...gone. A new light has been put on my world,...and now I can see. I know myself know. My Asperger's is NOT a negative thing in my world. I can't imagine NOT having Asperger's, nor would I want to change. I just wish I knew a lot earlier in life, that's all.
 
Hi and welcome. I'm 63, and I note you are 40 years younger, so I ll point out that everything's relative, you may feel like a late bloomer now, but compared to many here you have worked this out quite early! I hope that you find out plenty more, continue to question things and do research that helps you feel comfortable with who you are.

I’ll be 63 in September. It’s nice knowing there are some other late bloomers here.
 
i might know a thing or two about this:doing this,based on the things in life that interest you,even if you learned some of them in school & in any way that upsets people amongst neurotypicals,even if they're amongst your family & friends.
 

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