Knowing your person well what do you know you cannot have?

[e79243]

I cannot have a boyfriend
I cannot have a friend for long term
I cannot have a long conversation
I cannot have an education-due to learning disability (made only F's in high school and middle school)
I cannot seem to get paid more than 45K a year even though I have been in mortgage industry 33 years
I cannot have someone come up on me out of blue to start conversation with me at work
I cannot learn
I cannot get down logistics in town
I cannot memorize
I cannot laugh at jokes or get jokes on cue
I cannot play one board game with group
I cannot meet with groups
I cannot attend parties
I cannot go far from home
I cannot travel
I cannot put anything together I just purchased
I cannot fix anything (the smallest thing) broken in home to maintain home
I cannot remember names
I cannot remember to spell words
I cannot remember grammar
I cannot fake happy or fake smiling anymore
I cannot feel empathy towards anyone's issues
I cannot feel others pain

 

[ChrisC1983]

try making a list like this, but reverse it. find positive points for all of it (for example, you can't feel others pain.. only you know the extent of that. but a positive can be that you're very calm and rational in a crisis. where others will panic and lose their thoughts and react in a negative way towards a problem.. you could step back and figure out how to fix the problem

also.. 1 on my list, would be freedom. i have a somewhat uncontrollable "helper" personality. so, for example.. dad is very sick right now (copd, pneumonia, he's a diabetic with kidney failure and congestive heart failure and bipolar and blood pressure and the list goes on) but he refuses to stay at a hospital. so unless he's healthy i can't do anything.... i mean anything. i can't work, i can't do errands, i don't even like doing chores that might be loud (like laundry or vacuum) because he's barely slept in 3 days and has been trying to sleep on and off all day (not well, but he's staying in bed)........ and even years down the line when he does die from one of those issues, i'll just move onto helping mom until she dies. then my aunt, then most likely dads current girlfriend (she has no kids and her family makes her do everything.. and she's building up "minor" problems that will lead to major ones)....... and when they all die, hopefully i'll be able to live with somebody else i know and i'll just help them. eventually i'll die.. hopefully in my sleep at somebodies house that i'm helping who doesn't really need my help (ie: right now his g/f needs a lot of home repair, not direct attention) instead of dieing alone or suicide. but 1 of those 2 are more likely than the first. but i'm aware of it all and accepted it so while it's really not what i want.. i am already prepared for it which is why it verbally sounds bad because "well when dad dies..... then mom will die... then my aunt will die..." and i sound terrible.. but all the actions are comparable to a parent/child relationship ('cept everybody around me in those situations becomes the child.. although they're all older than me so it's tough to get it past them that somebody younger is offering help

 

[Mia]

e79243 Holy moly, from my reading of your posts, it seems that you can do many things. Sounds as if you are simply not in a positive frame of mind, from what I can see from your list you've done many of the things you say you cannot.

You mention that you cannot have a boyfriend, yet you have a child, so you had to have had someone in your life, at some point, so, it's not impossible.

Learning disability, I'm dyslexic, yet I have an education, if you went to school you could learn, memorize, spell, use grammar. You've just done it here with your list, it might take longer, or focus on different things, there are other ways to study for people with learning disabilities.

You've held down a job for 33 years, you had to have learned how to do your job, since you still have it.

You've accomplished many things, you should consider those and focus on the things in your life that are important to you.

The entire regular world that we live in seems to have priorities that they endlessly go on about;

One must have lots of friends, otherwise you are not like everyone else. Most people have a few friends from high school or college or childhood, many don't. The question is do you want to be like everyone else? If your goal is to fit in, then those skills can be learned, through cognitive behavior therapy. But it won't be who you are, it will be you pretending.

You are supposed to travel and see the world, otherwise you are not sophisticated and worldly. I've known several people who have lived everywhere, traveled everywhere, all they talk about are their travels. Some can be interesting, others are ignorant and boring. Travel did nothing for them except confirm their biased views, I've heard things like: Paris was filthy, India was disgusting, I couldn't find a coke in Sri Lanka, there was no plug for my hairdryer in Sierra Leone, no hamburgers in Nepal. Seems to me that if you go and visit another country, you can't expect it to be like the one you are from.

It's interesting that most of the difficulties that you mention are regular social rules of how to live the perfect life, one that does not really exist for most regular people either.

As for the inability to do things, it's mainly the process of learning to do them. I taught myself many things that I was interested in doing over the years, and that's the point, you have to be interested in doing them and developing those skills.

 

[e79243]

I have held my job 3 years so must be a typo somewhere. I met a guy and 6 mos later we were married and our marriage lasted 8 mos. In school, when I went to school, they would pass you each grade even when you made all F's each year

 

[e79243]

I have been in mortgage industry for 33 years but from 25 to 50 I got fired 3 times a year each year from 25-50. Finally I have kept this job 3 years which has been very shaky ground for last 2 years too

 

[e79243]

yes I am and a crab cake since starting this menopause. I am a crabby crab since this started for sure

 

[Southern Discomfort]

This sounds like it was depression initiating this, not you.

 

[ChrisC1983]

severe depression.. the only job i had where i didn't tremble and cry was nightshift work. and i ended up having a surgery that didn't go properly.. long story short, i can't do the level of physical stuff needed for that kind of job anymore. so other than trying to do stuff on my own, i haven't worked in 10 years (minus a couple tries here and there.. which is why i know i can't do the physical stuff and still can't handle basic stuff like cashier work)...... i've had 1 relationship, lasted about 1yr (no kids) and was also about 10yrs ago (nothing since then) and sofourth.. i just don't want to compare back and fourth. while i'm glad when i don't "win" that stuff, it doesn't happen often and eitherway nobody really feels good by the end of the conversation so it's better to just take the positive stuff you have about you (like that ability to keep picking yourself up off the ground.. kudos to that) and use that to help fix some of the other problems

remember.. if it's not a problem to you, it's not really a problem. it's just unaccepted by the group you're in. so find another group to try. i wish i had more specific advice but i've been trying to find a group as well (within my own social limits.. ie: i need a direct reason to go out, and "to find friends" isn't a reason because it's selfish in my eyes since it only benefits me. which is also why i have an overly "helping" personality to make up for that selfish feeling

the biggest part of helping, is realizing who you can help. you want help, but you also are able and willing (atleast in some way) to help yourself and that's the key. you really can't help those who don't want to help themselves..... which is why it drives me nuts as i watch my father kill himself out of sheer pigheadedness

 

[e79243]

wow, sorry to hear that. that is horrible. I cannot believe my mother has not done that to herself. I cannot believe it. She has a gone and is very very unhappy

 

[e79243]

so what are group homes? I hear many talking about group homes on this site. Is it homes if you are on disability and not getting that much money then all live in this one place and all share in expenses? I should make my house a group home but it is small only 1500 square feet

 

[tree]

so what are group homes? I hear many talking about group homes on this site. Is it homes if you are on disability and not getting that much money then all live in this one place and all share in expenses? I should make my house a group home but it is small only 1500 square feet

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Group_home
Places people live, instead of the big institutions.

"Group home" keeping, people do that
as a business.

Your idea sounds nice.
Not unlike the premise of "Golden Girls," actually.
I mean that in a positive way.

 

[eonbus]

having a mortgage job for three years isnt so bad. thats awesome. sorry your marriage got ruined. having a relationship doesnt really make a difference since everyone cannot understand simple logic.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

If you are making 45k a year in the mortgage industry, having received F's in high school, I'd say you are doing really well.

Also, most of those items you list are not things you "can't" do, but for those of us who were never diagnosed until recently, we managed to get a whole lot done, including school and jobs and families.

I worked for 40 years, raised three children, survived an alcoholic marriage, am self-taught in several areas, have a degree and never really told myself I couldn't do anything, because there was no label and no reason not to try.

If you take that list and break it into 5-year and 10-year goals, you'll see that you can do far more than you think you can.

1. I was a poor student in high school but did A's in college -- we know now that I had ADHD.
2. I can't do math -- I thought I had a learning disability but when tested, I was told that everything I can't do, was taught in 5th grade; that was a traumatic year for me. Apparently, aside from what I don't know, I can do up to 10th grade math, which surprised the heck out of me.
3. I remembered my school days as being horrible, and considered myself to be a "poor" student. I requested copies of my transcripts and found I was not nearly as hopeless as I felt.

If your list of "can'ts" is holding you back and interfering with your life, consider seeking a therapist who can help you with your self-esteem and show you things you can do.