Issues with another student at college

[Jordy]

There is a person in one of the group projects i have to work that has been, lets call it toxic, to me. Should I personally confront this person or make a formal complaint about this person?

 

[GypsyMoth]

Without more detail, it's kind of hard to say. What do you think should be done?

Generally speaking, if you (meaning, anyone--not 'you' specifically) can learn to work with difficult people and not against them, then things kind of get easier later on in life when you run into more difficult people. Especially when there is no one around to complain to.

 

[Aspychata]

How long is this group project? How far are you into this assignment? Confronting can only make this worse. Do you need to interact with this person to what percentage to get assignment done? Can you go thru someone else? When you say formal complaint, what is the actual complaint? Only share if you feel comfortable. This is just a good place to let your concerns air so you feel better.

 

[Hypnalis]

@phantom

"Toxic" is losing it's meaning.
It started as "probably matches into the "dark triad". It was never used for normal AH's (unpleasant, rude, lazy, somewhat entitled, etc).

You need to be specific - but please not wordy.

I'm 100% confident Aspychata's "Confronting can only make this worse" is not always the correct response to AH's.
Sometimes you need to resist.

The problem with that is that it's difficult to choose the correct approach unless you've had some practice.

If you're able to describe your situation, and being assertive looks like a good option, I'll give you some ideas (something happened to me this week that might be a good example).

But if you can't control your emotions (or more specifically, if you can't handle an "adrenaline rush"), nothing I suggest will help. When I interact with AH's I make sure I do it absolutely cold - no anger, no resentment. IMO it's necessary - nice people don't win shouting matches, and peaceful people should absolutely not start their first physical exchange with someone who's had a lot of practice.

 

[Jordy]

I don't want to be more specific, i think you can get the hint of whats happening.

 

[Hypnalis]

I didn't lead with " 'toxic' is losing its meaning" by accident.

There's nothing in your post for me to work with. And I'm not going to make a "run/appease/resist" recommendation without data.

I know this isn't convenient for you - I'm quite sparing with information on the web myself, so I respect that as a principle ...

... but lets imagine a scenario:
I share my default reaction to AH's getting between me and a minor objective - i.e. advice that would be correct for me. It requires some skill/experience in how to deliver an assertive response that doesn't provide a natural path for the other person to escalate.

You do it, but you make a mistake in the exchange, and the other person escalates.
At this point you're completely out of my scenario, but you lack the experience to de-escalate (if you had it, you wouldn't need to make the first post).

Neither of us would be happy with this outcome, but only you would suffer the consequences.

My bottom line is that I don't provide advice for "medium- to high-temperature" situations unless I have enough data to be 90% confident my advice will work in practice.

 

[Aspychata]

I don't want to be more specific, i think you can get the hint of whats happening.

Something abusive? Where you feel uncomfortable? I have plenty of that in my lifetime starting as a young child.

 

[All-Rounder]

If you decide to confront the person, do it separately, away from their influence of the group. People are more genuine and less challenging when they're removed from the group.

This will make the atmosphere more professional and serious and will drive the idea that your issue is with the person.

You have to be careful with the wording but also explicit enough so they understand exactly how they're making you feel and what behavior of theirs is the type that affects you. You could present what happens if said behavior stops and if it doesn't. Positive for good, negative for bad.

Given that some people are jerks for the purpose of messing with others, the option to address the issues with a mediator in power can be of use. It's always a good thing to address the teachers as they can tell the person to stop.

Some people you can already tell if they're gonna take you serious if you talk to them or play their behavior down. My gut tells me that your person is the kind to do so, not giving you the confidence to talk to them because of their general behavior. For the ones who will, you are better off announcing trachers\supervisors as they have been trained and experienced in dealing with it.

Furthermore you can request a behavior based change of the group you work with. You can add that based on their general behavior you don't have the confidence that it will change if you were to ask the person.

If you're anxious you can write it down and hand it to the teacher. As long as you have an easy option why not do it.

My sexual harasser stopped after he was roughed up a bit by the teacher about his behavior. The stern look of pressure I was giving him when he was checking on my eyes with his eyes sent the message if you continue I will escalate my involvement with the school staff. No tolerance for a**wipes.

He got the message that he cannot do that in school. But he was politically preaching to a class of women his woman hating ideologies. For that I had music though.

 

[Forest Cat]

I think it's important to put your foot down when people treat you bad. Because if you don't, they have no reason to stop. You want to give them a reason to stop. I would confront it but I don't know anything about your situation.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, bashing woman and taking advantage of woman is getting called out on more frequently these days.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

@phantom

"Toxic" is losing it's meaning.
It started as "probably matches into the "dark triad". It was never used for normal AH's (unpleasant, rude, lazy, somewhat entitled, etc).

You need to be specific - but please not wordy.

I'm 100% confident Aspychata's "Confronting can only make this worse" is not always the correct response to AH's.
Sometimes you need to resist.

The problem with that is that it's difficult to choose the correct approach unless you've had some practice.

If you're able to describe your situation, and being assertive looks like a good option, I'll give you some ideas (something happened to me this week that might be a good example).

But if you can't control your emotions (or more specifically, if you can't handle an "adrenaline rush"), nothing I suggest will help. When I interact with AH's I make sure I do it absolutely cold - no anger, no resentment. IMO it's necessary - nice people don't win shouting matches, and peaceful people should absolutely not start their first physical exchange with someone who's had a lot of practice.

What do AH's stands for? I cant find a correct translation.

To the OP, I have not enougth info to give you an advice. But I may talk about this person behavour with other workmates to gather their feedback before confronting/making a complaint.

 

[Hypnalis]

I expected AH to be on wikipedia, but it's not. You'll find what you need at wikipedia "AITA".

 

[Judge]

Depending on the subject matter, part of the assessment of a student involved in a group project is how well they integrate their own input into a group setting.

In essence, that if you cannot get along with others, you may fail in the eyes of your instructor.

At least this was my observation as a political science major, where in a number of classes I had such projects, indicative of the policy-making process itself. Where in real-life circumstances involving public policy development, it's expected to have difficulties with others on multiple levels.

For some instructors, the possibility of disagreeable adult classmates is deliberately built into such an academic equation of "groupthink". So be careful to tolerate them...even if they are AHs.

Something a friendly professor once candidly told me at the end of the course.

 

[tree]

What do AH's stands for? I cant find a correct translation.

I expected AH to be on wikipedia, but it's not.

My guess is either "ass hat" or "ass hole."

 

[Shaddock]

What do AH's stands for? I cant find a correct translation.

AH - Ass Hole | AcronymFinder

How is Ass Hole abbreviated? AH stands for Ass Hole. AH is defined as Ass Hole very frequently.

www.acronymfinder.com

 

[Hypnalis]

Sorry - I have no idea about the profanity rules of the site because I don't swear online. I don't even know where to check (online life is easy if you neither curse nor insult people

Anyway, Shaddock is correct (also tree, but tree gave two options, so couldn't be better than 50% correct

The context in which I used it was trying to explain why more data is needed before selecting/recommending a response. As it's turned out, I doubt I'll be making any suggestions, but perhaps someone else can help the OP.

 

[Jordy]

I talked about it with my mentor. He said i was going to be placed in a diffirent group and they are going to talk with the student so he will leave me alone in general.

 

[Jordy]

Depending on the subject matter, part of the assessment of a student involved in a group project is how well they integrate their own input into a group setting.

In essence, that if you cannot get along with others, you may fail in the eyes of your instructor.

At least this was my observation as a political science major, where in a number of classes I had such projects, indicative of the policy-making process itself. Where in real-life circumstances involving public policy development, it's expected to have difficulties with others on multiple levels.

For some instructors, the possibility of disagreeable adult classmates is deliberately built into such an academic equation of "groupthink". So be careful to tolerate them...even if they are AHs.

Something a friendly professor once candidly told me at the end of the course.

Sounds completely backwards to me, not that I expect anything different from American colleges.
The other students in this group were friendly to me, and it motivated me to participate and share my input. This other person is "toxic" to me and pushes me to not want to participate, it's clearly he who's the problem and not me. If people aren't hostile but friendly i can function completely fine in a group setting.

 

[tree]

Sorry - I have no idea about the profanity rules of the site because I don't swear online. I don't even know where to check (online life is easy if you neither curse nor insult people

You could try reading

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for some clues.

 

[Judge]

Sounds completely backwards to me, not that I expect anything different from American colleges.
The other students in this group were friendly to me, and it motivated me to participate and share my input. This other person is "toxic" to me and pushes me to not want to participate, it's clearly he who's the problem and not me. If people aren't hostile and friendly i can function completely fine in a group setting.

Not backward- just practical. You'll find those AHs everywhere you go- or work for.

Sad but true. Another lesson about real life conditions in the so-called adult world.