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Is this really life with us?

The article seems to have once more turned the tables so NT's can be the "victims" against ND's...
It seems to lump all AS/ASD people into this camp of all being the same, which of course isn't true, just like NT's are not all the same. I take it as a very unbalanced, bias word sword, but thats okay. People are entitled to say what they think. Its just sad more than anything.

I'm not a villain, nor do I allow myself to play the part of the victim, though I do have to battle to not feel like one. I was abused, molested, even beaten unconscious at times, and later abandoned, by NT's. I was bullied in school, and I never understand why, but I just forgave and moved on... However, I still made my own way. I have never asked anyone to provide for me in any way. I actually became the provider. Yet, even to be loved (or just accepted) was/is to much to ask.

I try to never harm another person. I try to never ask for help/advice (outside of this site and my counselor), or burden anyone. I do try to find anyway possible to fit what this world demands. I will help anyone I see needing help, if I possibly can. I spend my every waking moment trying to be as "normal" as I can possibly be, only to go home and often fall apart inside, and try to find a way to not show that I am exhausted beyond words.

I married a person who feels she is the victim (because of me). No one might understand how that can crush me, but it does. I never want to be a monster, or a problem causer, yet any move I make I seem to be the opposite of what is expected. I get upset because she hates my guts, but yet I will defend her because I do love her. I basically don't talk so people will hopefully leave me alone, and even that bothers so many people, even angers some.

I vent on here to people who are like me and maybe understand some of my weirdness. I guess that person who wrote this Blog (we are discussing) chose to vent and throw it to the wind in a public setting. I could expose things that should have some NT's placed in prison... I chose instead to understand they are not perfect, and forgave them instead of trying to further allow the hurt to be the centre point of my life.

Most of us already know we don't fit in. I guess people just need to remind us of how we mess up their version of reality. So much for being loving... I have been hated since the day I was born, so I guess this sort of serves as one of a million reminders that I will never be enough.

I only seek a peace not allowed it seems. I ask no one to change to give me that peace, but to just allow me to go off and find it on my own, but that equals a selfish bastard in an NT based reality.

My "loner mentality" is seen as unacceptable, yet my social inability, and my conditions that mess up my perception of this reality, is also seen as unacceptable... and to think why we would ever be depressed and closed off. Its because that is sometimes the only choice we have left.

However I will come back out of my shut down and try everyday to be the best version of my messed up self as possible. Its all I can do... Its all any of us can do. Hating and dividing will never fix any of us NT or ND.

I may not be a social butterfly or a guy that can have a decent conversation without acting weird, but I can do something many NT's cant... I can love them for who they are and remember that not one of us are perfect and come to a place like this to try and understand how to deal with it in a much more private setting. : ) BTW, all my settings are set for members only for that very reason.
 
Chance said:
The article seems to have once more turned the tables so NT's can be the "victims" against ND's...
It seems to lump all AS/ASD people into this camp of all being the same, which of course isn't true, just like NT's are not all the same. I take it as a very unbalanced, bias word sword, but thats okay. People are entitled to say what they think. Its just sad more than anything.

I'm not a villain, nor do I allow myself to play the part of the victim, though I do have to battle to not feel like one. I was abused, molested, even beaten unconscious at times, and later abandoned, by NT's. I was bullied in school, and I never understand why, but I just forgave and moved on... However, I still made my own way. I have never asked anyone to provide for me in any way. I actually became the provider. Yet, even to be loved (or just accepted) was/is to much to ask.

I try to never harm another person. I try to never ask for help/advice (outside of this site and my counselor), or burden anyone. I do try to find anyway possible to fit what this world demands. I will help anyone I see needing help, if I possibly can. I spend my every waking moment trying to be as "normal" as I can possibly be, only to go home and often fall apart inside, and try to find a way to not show that I am exhausted beyond words.

I married a person who feels she is the victim (because of me). No one might understand how that can crush me, but it does. I never want to be a monster, or a problem causer, yet any move I make I seem to be the opposite of what is expected. I get upset because she hates my guts, but yet I will defend her because I do love her. I basically don't talk so people will hopefully leave me alone, and even that bothers so many people, even angers some.

I vent on here to people who are like me and maybe understand some of my weirdness. I guess that person who wrote this Blog (we are discussing) chose to vent and throw it to the wind in a public setting. I could expose things that should have some NT's placed in prison... I chose instead to understand they are not perfect, and forgave them instead of trying to further allow the hurt to be the centre point of my life.

Most of us already know we don't fit in. I guess people just need to remind us of how we mess up their version of reality. So much for being loving... I have been hated since the day I was born, so I guess this sort of serves as one of a million reminders that I will never be enough.

I only seek a peace not allowed it seems. I ask no one to change to give me that peace, but to just allow me to go off and find it on my own, but that equals a selfish bastard in an NT based reality.

My "loner mentality" is seen as unacceptable, yet my social inability, and my conditions that mess up my perception of this reality, is also seen as unacceptable... and to think why we would ever be depressed and closed off. Its because that is sometimes the only choice we have left.

However I will come back out of my shut down and try everyday to be the best version of my messed up self as possible. Its all I can do... Its all any of us can do. Hating and dividing will never fix any of us NT or ND.

I may not be a social butterfly or a guy that can have a decent conversation without acting weird, but I can do something many NT's cant... I can love them for who they are and remember that not one of us are perfect and come to a place like this to try and understand how to deal with it in a much more private setting. : ) BTW, all my settings are set for members only for that very reason.
Click to expand...

Lets focus on what's important.

Can you juggle?

:)
 
My wife and I have been married about twelve years. Probably one of the best things we did while dating was to spend time reading books about asperger syndrome as a mechanism for being intentional in getting to know each other and becoming aware of how our relationship might work. So while my autistic traits from time to time cause issues (not being able to read facial expressions when she has had a bad day for example) for the most part we went into marriave with our eyes wide open and therefore haven't had a lot of resentment or problems. I know there can be levit financial or social reasons leaving a bad relationship is hard, but yeah I wish the woman in the article could have just left if the relationship didn't work instead of building up so much toxicity. That was a pretty vile list. Sure her needs might not be met and if she went in not knowing what was going on that is hard, but yeah, wow bitterness and overgeneralization.
 
Succulent said:
I found this recently. Describing life with an asperger's partner. If so, what hope is there for a happy partnership?

Autism: Difference or Disorder?

The Bottom Line
The bottom line, as we've all come to accept and know it is: that anyone married to someone who is functioning with Aspergers:

  1. You will be a caregiver only.
  2. You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
  3. You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
  4. You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
  5. You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
  6. You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
  7. You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
  8. You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
  9. In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
  10. You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
  11. You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
  12. People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
There is no 13.
If there was, 13 it would be: give it up before you get involved. Trouble is: there is not enough truthful information out there to warn you about the condition in advance.
Click to expand...
Sounds like me trying to fit in with the NT life as a child. Trolls are at it a lot these days. Some of the flack coming to this site is like how I felt on the schoolyard. I think people do it cause it empowers them...
 
Wow, these are the things that people with this challenge battle against. Yes, every person displays some type of issue of one sort of another. None of us are perfect. But these stereotypes are what keeps some NT's away from getting to know and develop a friendship with a person who the medical field has "labeled" with Aspergers. I, personally don't believe in labels. Seems like the world needs to put a name on everything instead of just letting things be what they are. Everyone has imperfections of some type, they make us who we are. Love us, hate us, but don't judge or pre category before even getting to know a person on the spectrum. I try to live my 24 hours with the old belief of treating ALL as how we desire to be treated. Those characteristics listed could apply to anyone, on the spectrum or off. Sometimes my biggest challenge in the day is having others see through all the stereotype mumble jumble and interact with me as one human being to another. I don't judge others because of the way they walk and assume they are disabled. It's too bad we live in a world where people with any challenge are pre judged.
 
Here is my list!!!! Based on the amount of people who come in here, ot wanting their Aspe back, i would say we have a Lot to offer . How about

1. You will be in the most intense relationsip of your life

2. You will ALWAYS have a friend in your Aspie even if younpart ways. Aspies are loyal and sensitive

3. You will have your own personal walking encyclopedia. Your Aspie's special interest will come in handy when you travel or want an obscure answer BUT Aspies are masters at finding answers to any question.

4. Your aspie may save your life. If you get sick, your aspie will have already sought out Best Practices and safest hospitals, even checking on your insurance and will have already set things up. Then, like a hawk s/he will make sure your room is clean, the Dr washes his hands, and your meds are not interacting. S/he will also make sure your needs are met all while researching your condition and healing. You WANT an Aspie near you if you get sick!!

5. You will have your own personal tutor.

6. Everyobe gets mad, but an Aspie cares. They will be sad until there is a reconcilliation. The idea that aspies do not care is false. They are actually sensitive.

ADD YOUR OWN :)
 
In my experience there are two sides to every story and two sides to every unhappy relationship.
Whoever wrote this article complains about being blamed for everything.... And then goes on to blame everything on her partner!
No two people are exactly the same .......no two marriages are the same!
 
I've been with who is my husband (aspie) for 18 years. I understand why this person is mad at her partner, but what she says is just that, someone hurt, telling her 'truth', which is very real for her.
But that's it. Extrapolating her experience to all aspies is just non-sense.

My first 10 years with my husband were very happy. Then things changed, because such is life, not because he is aspie (I am aspie too, BTW). Now I am separating from him because sometimes people try everything to save their marriages, and it still doesn't work. You can't force someone to love you or viceversa, and when that happens, it's better to separate. But that's because we are human beings, and that happens to human beings. Not because of Asperger's.
 
OK, so take this page on that site: Research

The researchers were looking for emotional impacts on NT partners in NT/ND relationships. They got 122 partner survey responses, of these they interviewed 16. Then they go on to report the emotional impacts experienced by these 16 in terms of what they were researching. OK, fine and good.

What ISN'T pointed out is that this means only 13% of those responding to the survey met the research criteria for "emotional impacts for NT/ND relationships"...

That means that 87% of NT/ND relationships DON'T have these impacts. I'd bet my right arm that ANY partner group, gay, straight, NT-NT, ND-ND, pick your pairing, will have the EXACT SAME results. Namely that 13% of marriages/partnerships have negative emotional impacts on one of the partners.

However, since that website is focused on supporting [read: reinforcing] "victims" of ASD partner, they don't bother to mention the 87%.
 
My beautiful understanding NT girlfriend, understands me more than ANYONE, including my household family. And we both do our fair share. She don't expect too much from me, and I don't let her come home to dirty dishes and a dirty floor. She has a bath run for her by the time she comes home. I sort food and the general cleaning, she sorts everything else. Including earning the wage. She's a diamond. Luckiest guy on earth
 
Katleya said:
The number one cause for divorce is marriage.
It doesn't matter if the spouse is an Aspie or not, does it?
Click to expand...

Indeed, especially if one does the math. :p

If the CDC is in the ballpark, and there's sixty-eight NTs for every one of us, then consider that divorce rates in general tend to run around 53% in the US.

Suddenly you have to ask whether neurology is even part of this equation! ;)

Though historically what social minority doesn't make for a good scapegoat regardless of facts ? o_O
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
Not sure if this is a trick question..

But is it the jews?
Click to expand...

Think "Occam's Razor". That the simplest explanation being the most plausible one.

Potentially it means any social minority. Because they are a minority. The core cause for majority tyrannies of much of any kind. Sheer numbers often justifying "moral high ground" that isn't really justified at all.

Majorities often "rule", however it doesn't necessarily make their rule morally right.
 
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Sportster said:
Talk about negative; however, I cannot totally disagree with what it said since a lot of it could be applied to me. One of the reasons I would not commit to my lady-friend is because I knew what her life would be like trying to live with a man like me. I love her dearly, but not in the way that would be needed for the kind of relationship she would want.
Click to expand...
If you allow me Sportster, this is precisely where you differ from the "heartless monsters" that they're saying we are. You were able to see what you could or could not provide emotionally, and responsible or selfless enough to not commit. That's the opposite of forcing a partner to live with you and be subjected to abuse, don't you think?
 
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