Is this really life with us?

[Succulent]

I found this recently. Describing life with an asperger's partner. If so, what hope is there for a happy partnership?

Autism: Difference or Disorder?

The Bottom Line
The bottom line, as we've all come to accept and know it is: that anyone married to someone who is functioning with Aspergers:

1. You will be a caregiver only.
2. You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
3. You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
4. You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
5. You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
6. You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
7. You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
8. You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
9. In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
10. You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
11. You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
12. People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.

There is no 13.
If there was, 13 it would be: give it up before you get involved. Trouble is: there is not enough truthful information out there to warn you about the condition in advance.

 

[OkRad]

Gowwwd. Wow. What about the faults of NTs?!

 

[tree]

What a negative & obnoxious site.
I looked around at the other material within it.

Entitlement R Us, why didn't they call the place?

 

[Katleya]

What's terrifying is that someone is passing off their own negative experience for a general thing. It's so convenient to always play the victim to the awful autistic person, and never consider one's own fault.
It reminds me of a blog page that we once discussed, where the woman was laying all the blame on her husband, and admitted to nagging and abuse, but never considered that life with her was probably just as miserable, if not more.

Hmm. I'm also worried those 12 rules will give fodder to certain people, though.

 

[Succulent]

What's terrifying is that someone is passing off their own negative experience for a general thing. It's so convenient to always play the victim to the awful autistic person, and never consider one's own fault.
It reminds me of a blog page that we once discussed, where the woman was laying all the blame on her husband, and admitted to nagging and abuse, but never considered that life with her was probably just as miserable, if not more.

Hmm. I'm also worried those 12 rules will give fodder to certain people, though.

Yeah, I hear this. I know autism and people are on a spectrum. I've made many mistakes. But, my mom sobbed through every book ('I Am Aspie Woman', 'Pretending to be Normal', 'Late Diagnosis Autism', etc, etc) because she saw how I've struggled my entire life to just be. I've always worried that once people 'get to know' me, then they will be puzzled, confused, put off, all that.

I've had meltdowns, I've had rages. But I've also been on the receiving end of AS meltdowns and felt he/she didn't mean what they said/did. Maybe because I have compassion based on my own suffering.

So many people are doing the best they can. If they look like a mess on the outside, they are probably struggling super hard inside. I'm a romantic so I say, 'Love bears all things' but then that can sound to some like I'm a doormat/abused/blah blah.

 

[Mia]

@Succulent, also an aspie married to another aspie, for thirty plus years. I often come across these sites, yet all they seem to do is promote hatred of people with autism. I think that anyone who creates these kinds of lists and sites is revengeful, filled with hatred and loathing of the people they chose to be in a relationship with. Most of this list is general and it's subjective.

1/You will be a caregiver only.
Both my spouse and myself take care of one another. It isn't one person taking care of another person solely. My spouse has difficulties, and so do I. Neither of us take on a parent role with one another.

2/You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
We both have tempers. Are they harmful? Perhaps to one another, yet usual relationships have them as well.

3/You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
Wrong again, we both focus on our interests. We also focus on one another.

4/You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
Paranoia is not a trait of autism. Paranoia is a symptom of other mental health problems.

5/You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
Not my experience, we share our incomes with one another. He is supportive emotionally in his own way, as I am of him, in my own way.

6/You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
I wonder how people feel who live alone? Do they manifest physical ailments by themselves, or are people who live alone rarely ill?

7/You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
That might happen with very insecure people, who take on others feelings, and have little self-worth. This happens in other relationships as well. Yet therapy is helpful for people who have difficulties with self-worth.

8/You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
Again, untrue. Not my personal experience. My and my spouses interests don't preclude neglect of our relationship.

9/In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
And that would be quite dishonest and manipulative on the partner's part, to stay for those reasons. Fear of change seems a driving force.

10/You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
Social mores don't really quite describe an Aspie marriage. Yet it is beneficial to anyone to not be so enmeshed in a long-term relationship, that they don't have interests of their own.

11/You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
But really that's their fault, for not acting. For not walking away from a relationship that does not suit them. Anger is easier than self-realization.

12/People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
And that might be true to a certain extent, they may be the difficult ones. They also might be undiagnosed Aspies.

 

[Judge]

Looks like a good one for the thread merge. Apparently yet another "revenge" site:

Saddened by a website I was reading

 

[mw2530]

What an incredibly insulting article. Just feeds into the persecution, judgement, and discrimination of people who are different. What about all the verbal abuse and bullying those with ASD have experienced at the hands of NT's when they are growing up? Where was the NT person to help then if their all so damn perfect? The article really seams like "all or nothing thinking" which I have been told is mostly inaccurate and misleading. Oh WAIT a second!!, I thought those with ASD are the ones who do the whole "all or nothing thinking". I guess we aren't the only ones after all.

 

[Judge]

Do people with unsuccessful relationships post similar things when their ex is of a different race or religion? Or is it more just a case of autistic people being considered "fair game" in this context ?

Perhaps "sour grapes" just comes in many flavors.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Some marriages are unhappy, some marriages are happy. Some marriages between NTs and Aspies are unhappy, but that doesn't mean they all are or all have to be.

The person who wrote this must have had an unhappy marriage, and maybe lots of other people are, but they are overgeneralizing when they think that such cases are inevitable and universal.

 

[oregano]

The thing is, popular culture, at least in the US, heavily sells the "idea" of getting married to young women. For example, in my local supermarket today I counted no fewer than FIVE very thick magazines that are devoted exclusively to planning weddings. All but maybe one are specifically devoted to my city/metro area, and basically function as advertising circulars for businesses that provide wedding services, all illustrated with photos of perfect brides and grooms amid VERY expensive wedding arrangements.

In effect young women feel a lot of pressure from their social circles and beyond to get married and have kids, to the point where single women over 30 are constantly being asked when they will get married and have kids. If the US was like most other places on earth where marriages are arranged by families and men are expected to have mistresses on the side, this might not be as much of a problem.

But here we have an idea of the couple marrying because of LOVE. So women especially are rushed into marrying a guy they think they love, only to find out he's a jerk...several years and two kids later. The wife's social circle doesn't want her to get divorced. So you end up with the whole narrative of the aloof husband and the lonely, abandoned wife who only stays married because of some reason like "health insurance". Eventually the wife decides to pour her guts out on the internet about how lonely and mistreated she is. "Aspergers" is simply another label for "I married a jerk" to them.

 

[clg114]

@Succulent, also an aspie married to another aspie, for thirty plus years. I often come across these sites, yet all they seem to do is promote hatred of people with autism. I think that anyone who creates these kinds of lists and sites is revengeful, filled with hatred and loathing of the people they chose to be in a relationship with. Most of this list is general and it's subjective.

1/You will be a caregiver only.
Both my spouse and myself take care of one another. It isn't one person taking care of another person solely. My spouse has difficulties, and so do I. Neither of us take on a parent role with one another.

2/You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
We both have tempers. Are they harmful? Perhaps to one another, yet usual relationships have them as well.

3/You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
Wrong again, we both focus on our interests. We also focus on one another.

4/You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
Paranoia is not a trait of autism. Paranoia is a symptom of other mental health problems.

5/You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
Not my experience, we share our incomes with one another. He is supportive emotionally in his own way, as I am of him, in my own way.

6/You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
I wonder how people feel who live alone? Do they manifest physical ailments by themselves, or are people who live alone rarely ill?

7/You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
That might happen with very insecure people, who take on others feelings, and have little self-worth. This happens in other relationships as well. Yet therapy is helpful for people who have difficulties with self-worth.

8/You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
Again, untrue. Not my personal experience. My and my spouses interests don't preclude neglect of our relationship.

9/In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
And that would be quite dishonest and manipulative on the partner's part, to stay for those reasons. Fear of change seems a driving force.

10/You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
Social mores don't really quite describe an Aspie marriage. Yet it is beneficial to anyone to not be so enmeshed in a long-term relationship, that they don't have interests of their own.

11/You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
But really that's their fault, for not acting. For not walking away from a relationship that does not suit them. Anger is easier than self-realization.

12/People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
And that might be true to a certain extent, they may be the difficult ones. They also might be undiagnosed Aspies.

Well said, this is exactly what I would like to have said. But I do not know if I could have said it so eloquently. Good job!

 

[Sherlock77]

Fascinating and definitely very insulting... What about an Aspie guy hanging out with a Bipolar lady, maybe/almost dating ... I really do think anything can be made to work, even in unusual circumstances... It sounds like this person thinks every Aspie person should never get married...

 

[Jet Weiss]

How insulting. My dad's mum could have written a list like that out of her contempt and hatred for people on the spectrum.
At one point my dad said it was impossible to have a successful relationship with someone who has PTSD and he mentioned some things that were similar to some of the topics on that list, especially the thing about feeling blamed for everything in your life, when in reality it was my mum who had been blamed for everything by not only my dad but by his friends and family as well.
Sorry for making this post personal, but the point I'm trying to make is, that list is just going to be used as ammunition against those of us on the spectrum by toxic people like my dad and his mum who are just looking for someone else to blame and project their issues onto.

 

[kay]

It's another hate site. Could have been written by the KKK or something as bad as it is.

 

[Gracey]

Oh dear ...

Really bitter 'fixers' came to mind. They couldn't change or fix the ASD so they resent it. Attack it because of their failure?

The freedom to leave the relationship in search of a more fulfilling one was always an option but not seemingly chosen.

 

[Streetwise]

I found this recently. Describing life with an asperger's partner. If so, what hope is there for a happy partnership?

Autism: Difference or Disorder?

The Bottom Line
The bottom line, as we've all come to accept and know it is: that anyone married to someone who is functioning with Aspergers:

1. You will be a caregiver only.
2. You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
3. You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
4. You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
5. You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
6. You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
7. You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
8. You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
9. In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
10. You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
11. You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
12. People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.

There is no 13.
If there was, 13 it would be: give it up before you get involved. Trouble is: there is not enough truthful information out there to warn you about the condition in advance.

this where eugenics came from destroy any thing that is different
n.t's are so vain

 

[The Midge]

Not even worth responding to IMHO. There are probably similar sites that say "All Men as Barstewards"

Elsewhere on the site they say this:

There are many support groups and educational services for those who are on the Autism Spectrum, but very few places for their NT carers, spouses and partners. We hope that this site will help expand understanding of this hidden, unrecognised situation by giving information, validation and support to those NT's in relationships with people with ASD.
​

The problem is there aren't that many support services and educational services for ASC especially for adults. Too much of the little that is available is focused on parents/ children. Such as there for adults is often is self-help and self advocacy such as found on this wonderful web site.

 

[The Midge]

Another thought that popped into my head as I delivered my wife her morning tea.

That page above is really the wrong way to go about engaging with a partner in a relationship. The inevitable result is to put the ASC partner on the defensive. Mutual understanding is what's needed.

 

[Professori]

This depends on the individual. It is true that some Aspies do behave this way, but then again, so do a wide range of other people who are not on the spectrum. That is why there are so many abused spouses, physically as well as psycho-emotionally. The wider truth is that we now live in the midst of the most neurotic/mentally unstable generation in all of history. So, it is difficult to point a finger at one 'category' of people.

It is also true that society makes such an issue of those with any discernible difference, as in the case with autism, that a 'them and us' mindset develops and as soon as that is the case there is bound to be conflict because the one is inevitably going to be regarded as 'abnormal' and treated as such. So, if one is treated as different then those differences become the highlight and actually lived out to the fullest - the 'you have to accept me as I am' syndrome. Once again, a foundation for conflict and enmity/abuse.

Then there are those who actually try to learn how to adapt to each other - as it should be in every marriage, otherwise don't get married. In this case, no matter who it is, each has their issues and brokenness, given that we live in such a neurotic/paranoid society, and it takes work and pain to reach a 'fit'.

As someone who grew up in a generation which did not recognize autism, it was just a make or break situation in order to fit. Otherwise, one had to live 'beyond the pale' and as a loner, which I largely did. That came with a great deal of pain and struggle. However, I could at least make my choices based on a lack of a categorization and intense focus on a category in which I would have been placed.

Once again, the article which implies that life with an Aspie is so miserable and that it is all the fault of that twisted person, comes across as a 'poor little me' spouse with little recognition of problems with self. Just do not categorize everyone in the same paradigm.