For me, shutdowns are the result of mental overload. They occur after a period of intense activity and I just kind of burn out. The talking, listening and having to respond, plus the environment I'm in, literally make my head feel like it's going to burst and I can't do it any more. It's almost painful and I need to rest. Afterwards, the next day even, I feel kind of washed out, brainfogged and tired. Sometimes I have a headache or feel nauseous.
Meltdowns (for me) occur as a result of a build op of emotion which overflows and I can no longer hold it. The emotion may be anxiety-driven, but may also be the result of frustration. I typically have meltdowns in situations where I feel a lack of control over my situation or environment. This causes anxiety, or frustration, both can lead to meltdown.
I will present some typical scenarios to represent how I experience these things:
Scenario 1: Meltdown. I'm in the supermarket. It's a Saturday, so the supermarket is busier that usual, and there are lots of families with small, noisy children. I start to feel very irritable. The children shout, and I cover my ears. Everything seems so bright and colourful! I start to loose concentration, and wander from aisle to aisle, unable to concentrate on my original purpose. I finish (usually I forget things) and join the queue. At the checkout, the scanner is beebing loudly, and a family with a crying baby joins the queue after me. I want to pace, but I can't, because I'm in the queue. Somebody wants to take my place in the queue because he has 2 items fewer that what I have, and I snap at him, I can still hear the beeping and money chinking and items scratching and bags rustling and I can't stand it any more and just freak out. Or, I realise I forgot something, and I feel upset and tearful. I don't feel anxious (or I'm not aware of anxiety), but I feel emotional out of proportion to the situation. I feel unusually sensitive to my environment and all stimulation, whether external or internal.
Scenario 2: Shutdown. I'm on a day trip with my partner. It's a bright, sunny day, there's a lot to see, I'm in the car, the car is moving. He is naturally very talkative, and talks away, I talk back when I can get a word in edgeways, cheerful and happy. An hour later, I start to feel very tired, I don't feel like talking. I struggle to stay focused on him and his talking, and to respond. I don't want to talk any more and start to give monosyllable answers, because I don't want to talk, but don't want him to feel ignored, I want to be polite. His chatter starts to be almost painful, and my head feels like it's about to burst. I loose my ability to focus on him talking and to respond, and withdraw into myself, and stop talking. He senses this and leaves me alone. I get home,spend some time alone, listen to some quiet music, watch a video, then after a while, feel like chatting again.
Scenario 3: Shutdown. I'm talking to a student. Suddenly, something unexpected happens: my partner comes and tells me that he had his wallet stolen (example). The student, who doesn't realise what is going on at my end, continues to talk and demand my attention. Student. Wallet. Student. Wallet. Nothing. I just can't think and can't speak. Flee. I go to the bathroom for 10 minutes. After a few minutes, my head is clear again and can I can continue.
Scenario 4. A client consitently has been cancelling at last minute, or wanting to change the time of the lesson, or not turning up for lessons. I am getting increasingly frustrated, but dealing with it via email in a direct, but polite way. One day, I call the student, but instead of getting the student, I get his mum. His mum explains that the student is unavailable for the lesson because he has a playdate over, and how sorry she is. Two things can happens here - 1. I can't speak, I stutter and mumble, trying to say ok and remaining polite, but struggling, because not, it's NOT ok to do this to me. Or 2. I get frustrated and tell her that this is not ok, and why. She then gets upset and starts to shout at me, how she is busy and how she didn't have time to write me the 30 second email to cancel the lesson, etc. I am taken aback, and can't organise my thoughts to respond and defend myself, so say nothing. I close the call, but know that I performed badly, in an incompetent way, I start to analyse and think of all the things I should have said and hate myself, why can't I handle things like a 'normal' person, I'm useless, I can't handle my job and shouldn't be doing it, Now I probably lost that client and what am I going to do? I start pacing, rocking/stimming and getting really upset, it's like a vortex spiralling down. I don't want to talk or do anything for the rest of the day. The next day, I have brain fog, feel nauseous, and perhaps have a headache.
