I'm 41, married for 19 years, got 4 kids, and working successfully, and my mom just yesterday fussed at me for not smiling when she told me a story of something that happened to her that morning. It was a nice story, but just didn't strike me as something I wanted to smile about, so I didn't.
As for
appearing positive vs negative...I think Judge hit on an important point. Most people rely heavily on facial expressions to connect emotionally, and I just don't go there because I know people so often fake facial expressions (both AS and NT). My question with my mom is, do you really want a fake smile so you can feel better about your story? What difference does it make if I'm amused by your story or not? You were happy with the outcome, so shouldn't that be what matters?
At the same time, I get that people want to share things that happen to them, and it's a good skill to have, to be able to enter into that experience with them, even if it's their emotions I'm reflecting back to them instead of my own emotions being emanated. I just have a really hard time being that vulnerable with my mom, because she's so passive-aggressive and manipulative, and with most other people, because I've spent so much of my life being required to reflect everyone else and never knowing what I actually feel myself.
As for
being positive or negative...I think it really takes both to live a balanced life. These people who try to be happy all the time...I find them very fake, superficial, and hard to really know. I've also known Eeyore-type characters, who are negative and argumentative about
everything. For me, it's been a process of learning how
- to acknowledge what I actually feel (whether positive or negative),
- to recognize that both are valid and legitimate maybe even in the same moment,
- to not hold anyone else responsible for what I feel (the enmeshed family I grew up in always held everyone else responsible for any individual's emotions), and
- to not try to force happiness or sadness, excitement or laziness, or whatever, but just acknowledge each as they happen and experience them in the moment.
I'm also learning to give others freedom to feel what they feel, and not take responsibility for their feelings (growing up, I was always held responsible for everyone else's feelings). That kinda gives people space to be in touch with themselves emotionally, rather than feeling they have to walk on eggshells around me. I become a safer person when I can "hold space" for them without being drawn into their crisis. My T showed me this article:
What it means to "hold space" for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well - Heather Plett
To be honest, I'm not doing a great job of holding space for people yet, other than getting better at it for my kids. It's still such a challenge for me to figure out what
I'm feeling because I've spent so long hiding it. Don't let people talk you into pretending to feel one way when you know that's not consistent with what's going on inside you.
Beyond all of that, though...as a mom, I do have to say...it's hard on a mom to see her child in pain, even if he's not really in pain but only looks like it to her. I think I've grown as a person way more as a parent than I did as a child. It's a really tough process, to learn how to stand back and let your child make his own choices. Parenting is a process of letting go, and most of us really suck at it. I guess I would say...try to give your mom space to not be the perfect mom and to not always know what's the best way to handle a situation.