Is my situation novel?

[Forest Cat]

When I was working recently, I was asked frequently about my marital status. Do I have kids. How old was the oldest person I had sex with? NTs just ask, and then you're on the spot.

You don't have to answer though. And "do you have kids" is a pretty normal question but "how old was the oldest person you had sex with" is not something normal people ask other people during a lunch break or something. If someone asked me that I would say what's wrong with you, asking people such personal questions, go bother someone else.

 

[Misty Avich]

I understand how the OP feels though. He's wondering why he can't get a girlfriend, when other autistic people are in relationships. He's just baffled, and hurt. He's been mistreated by people and rejected way too many times by girls. It must feel isolating for him to see other people in relationships, particularly autistic people.

 

[Mary Terry]

Are you Amish, or something like that?

When I was working recently, I was asked frequently about my marital status. Do I have kids. How old was the oldest person I had sex with? NTs just ask, and then you're on the spot.

When I was a young man, it was brutal. If you're not known to be having sex with a woman, you must be gay. Guys don't give you respect, except maybe a few religious zealots, if you also subscribe to their religion. Most religious types are trying to get laid though. The pressure is high.

No, I'm not Amish. I'm not even religious. I'm nearly 70, a parent, grandparent, wife, a retired professional, a product of public schools, and have seen and done a lot of things in my life. Questions about whether you're married or have kids are socially acceptable and expected. Asking or answering questions about specifics of your sex life is off limits. No matter where such exchanges take place - school, work, or anywhere else - it is tacky, inappropriate, immature and socially unacceptable.

Please try to associate with a higher class of people and show some dignity in your relationships with them.

 

[Jacks Brain]

Most certainly. I felt ashamed and damaged when guys I knew would share their sexual experiences with me. Firstly, what type of jerk would share their intimacies with women, some of whom I knew. I felt particularly defective and unworthy of love when no woman at the time showed the slightest interest in me, even as a friend. I nearly battered a guy who, after having sex with her, was mocking a girl's breasts.

Experiences like those taught me that I could only rely on myself, and while I could have used help, I never thought to ask for assistance. It was a number of years before I could open up to others.

I was pretty upset when I was young too. I believe the system we came up in - and still have - was intentionally designed to create ruin and depopulation. Now divorce and single motherhood are rampant, 40% of Americans can't handle a $400 emergency without resorting to the credit card, and the birth rate in America is the lowest it has ever been.

You should chalk much of your bad high school experience up to Aspergers. I do. While it didn't happen every day, I did have some attractive women hit on me in high school and I had no idea what to do with it. Here, I learned a new word today - Neuro-Crash. The hottest woman I ever had a chance at approached me in high school and tried to start a conversation, and what did my aspie ass do - go into neuro-crash mode. I wish I could redo that one as a smooth man.

 

[Jacks Brain]

Please try to associate with a higher class of people and show some dignity in your relationships with them.

I've never met this "higher class of people." At any rate, it was probably right for me to take the only job that was on offer and I suspect I'll have to do it again. I'll accept a trust fund if anyone's offering. An able-bodied man should be working but for me to interact with NTs is miserable for everyone.

 

[Mary Terry]

I've never met this "higher class of people." At any rate, it was probably right for me to take the only job that was on offer and I suspect I'll have to do it again. I'll accept a trust fund if anyone's offering. An able-bodied man should be working but for me to interact with NTs is miserable for everyone.

If you can't associate with people who refrain from asking personal questions about your sex life, then try to act with dignity when you calmly tell them that such questions are rude and immature and that you have no intention of discussing something so personal with them.

 

[Jacks Brain]

You don't have to answer though. And "do you have kids" is a pretty normal question but "how old was the oldest person you had sex with" is not something normal people ask other people during a lunch break or something. If someone asked me that I would say what's wrong with you, asking people such personal questions, go bother someone else.

I do my best to handle the social situations that come up. IMO, refusing to answer would have been awkward and put me into the bad-weird category.

 

[Swansong]

Not sure where one would get the idea that it's unusual for autistic individuals to massive struggle and even completely fail at forming relationships of any sort.

It's a part of the popular stereotype and from what I've read, backed up by studies and it's simply a matter of common sense, if you have seriously impaired social skills as a result of a fundamentally different way of processing the world around you compared to non autistic people, then it's expected and natural that you will seriously struggle to engage with others. It's like living in a place without speaking the same language as everyone else.

Interpersonal relationships aren't like building a brick wall, where if you put in enough work anyone can get it done, there are certain immaterial skills and abilities, which are often developed through your entire life, without which you're simply going to struggle massively to connect to others.

It's a harsh reality but one we must face regardless.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was pretty upset when I was young too. I believe the system we came up in - and still have - was intentionally designed to create ruin and depopulation. Now divorce and single motherhood are rampant, 40% of Americans can't handle a $400 emergency without resorting to the credit card, and the birth rate in America is the lowest it has ever been.

You should chalk much of your bad high school experience up to Aspergers. I do. While it didn't happen every day, I did have some attractive women hit on me in high school and I had no idea what to do with it. Here, I learned a new word today - Neuro-Crash. The hottest woman I ever had a chance at approached me in high school and tried to start a conversation, and what did my aspie ass do - go into neuro-crash mode. I wish I could redo that one as a smooth man.

I agree. And, thank you for the Neuro-Crash link. That happened to me when a woman came up and propositioned me when I was desperately lonely. In going through my earlier trauma of feeling isolated I did some honest assessment of myself for Cognitive Processing Therapy and recognized the times I was clueless when people tried for connection with me. That I recognize as partly the fault of my neurology. It is a wonder that I was able to function as well as I did. My recovery really started as I pursued interests and began living independently. Then with a little self assurance I was able to meet an incredibly accepting woman.

 

[Forest Cat]

I do my best to handle the social situations that come up. IMO, refusing to answer would have been awkward and put me into the bad-weird category.

In that spesific example, the person asking the question would be in the bad-weird category. Not you. You do have a right to some privacy and not having to answer weird personal questions that weird people ask you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

How could an NT know that an ND is not sexually active unless the ND tells them so? Publicly discussing one's sex life is taboo for everyone, IMHO.

While I agree about the taboo, there are missed milestones like friendships and dating where it is assumed that you are not sexually active. While I was OK with that, concentrating on my career, sensing the lack there are NTs that are deliberately cruel. When I was doing cancer research I had a big crush on a woman and I did not think it was obvious, and people knew that I did not have a SO when they could see that duriing social events like celebrations in our lab.

Then a disturbing thing happened. A guy I did not like; lazy, unreliable, boastful, came up to me and mentioned that the woman I had a crush on was great in bed, sharing details of sex with her, and told me that I should ask her out. I felt gut punched, deflated, less than nothing, and worthless as I didn't think she even noticed me though we worked together at times. Why couldn't he just say something nice like; 'she had her eye on me and would like me to ask her out?' But, the positive that came out of my misery was renewed effort to gain self esteem in order to give women a choice between a guy like that and me.

 

[Au Naturel]

In my experience NTs find out about all that stuff real quick, and it's their favorite attack vector when a guy's not getting any.

That only works if not "getting any" is linked to your ego.

Many guys who don't "get any" are not attacked. It would not accomplish anything if they were because it isn't an area of insecurity.

OTOH, guys who do "get a lot" will proudly wear their badge of accomplishment and try to make it an article of status. Insecure guys focus on that and don't notice the 30% of guys in the background who never "get any." The solution is not to allow your ego to get wrapped up in getting laid. The ego is a different issue than a biological drive. Why let someone else tell you what you should be worried about?

It's easier to say than to do, but if you don't work on it, that's a guaranteed fail.

Most males are single, but most women are not.

The share of sexually active Americans stands at a 30-year low. Around 30 percent of young men reported in 2019 that they had no sex in the past year, compared to about 20 percent of young women. Only half of single men are actively seeking relationships or even casual dates, according to Pew. That figure is declining.

 

[Fino]

True, but it’s a minefield for every human. Nobody has this 100% down.

Yes, but what the purpose of the DSM is is when people have issues beyond the normal level. "Mental illness is me and you, amplified."

 

[Mary Terry]

While I agree about the taboo, there are missed milestones like friendships and dating where it is assumed that you are not sexually active. While I was OK with that, concentrating on my career, sensing the lack there are NTs that are deliberately cruel. When I was doing cancer research I had a big crush on a woman and I did not think it was obvious, and people knew that I did not have a SO when they could see that duriing social events like celebrations in our lab.

Then a disturbing thing happened. A guy I did not like; lazy, unreliable, boastful, came up to me and mentioned that the woman I had a crush on was great in bed, sharing details of sex with her, and told me that I should ask her out. I felt gut punched, deflated, less than nothing, and worthless as I didn't think she even noticed me though we worked together at times. Why couldn't he just say something nice like; 'she had her eye on me and would like me to ask her out?' But, the positive that came out of my misery was renewed effort to gain self esteem in order to give women a choice between a guy like that and me.

And your strategy worked. You got a good job and a loving wife. I remember the cruelty of junior high and high school and the guys who made dirty jokes out of everything. Raging hormones, massive insecurity, a lack of respect for females, boasting about sexual conquests and aggrandizing/lying about their sexual exploits pretty much sums up many boys at that age. Teenage boys usually have a one-track mind.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

And your strategy worked. You got a good job and a loving wife. I remember the cruelty of junior high and high school and the guys who made dirty jokes out of everything. Raging hormones, massive insecurity, a lack of respect for females, boasting about sexual conquests and aggrandizing/lying about their sexual exploits pretty much sums up many boys at that age. Teenage boys usually have a one-track mind.

And, some of them never grew up. I always thought that a great sign of respect was never sharing intimate details between me and the woman I love. The only thing I ever shared was when my mind panicked when I was bold enough to ask my future spouse if she would like to make love. I was so very afraid of ruining our friendship and I'm sure this has happened to other aspies. Her response solidified my love for her when she patiently explained that we were taking our friendship to a new level.

 

[Jacks Brain]

That only works if not "getting any" is linked to your ego.

Many guys who don't "get any" are not attacked. It would not accomplish anything if they were because it isn't an area of insecurity.

OTOH, guys who do "get a lot" will proudly wear their badge of accomplishment and try to make it an article of status. Insecure guys focus on that and don't notice the 30% of guys in the background who never "get any." The solution is not to allow your ego to get wrapped up in getting laid. The ego is a different issue than a biological drive. Why let someone else tell you what you should be worried about?

It's easier to say than to do, but if you don't work on it, that's a guaranteed fail.

Most males are single, but most women are not.

I've seen the statistics about the 2020's sexual marketplace. It wasn't like that when I was growing up. This is a catastrophe, and we'll end up being a fundamentalist religious country because of it.

I'm dubious about the idea of a teenage boy who has no ego involvement in sex with a woman, unless they were born asexual/homosexual. A small percentage maybe, but it's not the norm.

As an aging adult man, I may have a little ego tied to sex left but not much. I've seen what came of it. I may know of one healthy marriage from my generation, but even that guy was insecure and talking about his wife divorcing him. The rest are just trainwrecks and divorce. I'm not glad I didn't get married, but I'm glad I didn't have a modern marriage.

 

[Hypnalis]

I was pretty upset when I was young too. I believe the system we came up in - and still have - was intentionally designed to create ruin and depopulation. Now divorce and single motherhood are rampant, 40% of Americans can't handle a $400 emergency without resorting to the credit card, and the birth rate in America is the lowest it has ever been.

It's unlikely the population collapse (we're in the early stages) was intentional.

Looking back (the process started in the mid 70's), it seems likely it's just a side effect of other sociological processes. The only organizations in the world that would have been able to induce it covertly are also negatively affected by it.
IMO it's experimental evidence for the heuristic "don't look for a conspiracy if stupidity is a sufficient explanation".

It is quite funny that it's still not practical to discuss this openly though

 

[Jacks Brain]

In that spesific example, the person asking the question would be in the bad-weird category. Not you. You do have a right to some privacy and not having to answer weird personal questions that weird people ask you.

No, he was a smooth black dude and we were cool. I'm not objecting to the question, the point I'm trying to make is that people just ask. I don't consider the people I know (or knew, since I don't have that job anymore) to be "low class." Lower end of the economic spectrum? Sure. But if they're holding down jobs (better than I do) and not committing crimes, I wouldn't call them "low class."

It's unlikely the population collapse (we're in the early stages) was intentional.

It's 100% intentional and this is well understood by many. You'll find out.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's 100% intentional and this is well understood by many. You'll find out.

I know the most likely cause(s). It's not a secret. Just unlikely to enter mainstream discourse yet.

 

[Markness]

I understand how the OP feels though. He's wondering why he can't get a girlfriend, when other autistic people are in relationships. He's just baffled, and hurt. He's been mistreated by people and rejected way too many times by girls. It must feel isolating for him to see other people in relationships, particularly autistic people.

It is and I don’t care if my detractors get upset at me for feeling this way.