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Is it bad that I want my child to have autism?

Discussion in 'Parenting & Autism Discussions' started by Adam Hakeemi, Feb 13, 2019.

  1. Adam Hakeemi

    Adam Hakeemi Active Member

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    No, I don't have a child yet but would like to have one. I want him/her to be autistic. Now, I the reasons I give will probably sound really selfish, so you don't have to point it out, I'm fully aware.

    1. I don't want to be alone.

    I'm the only person in my family with autism, and I would like my children to have autism simply because I want someone to relate to. I want to be with someone who truly understands what I went through. That way, I get to have a very strong and special bond with someone, which is something I never had in my life.

    2. I think autism is a gift.

    I truly think that autism is a blessing. I don't want to brag, but autism has given me a mind unparalleled by anyone I've ever met. I want my son to be a like-minded person to me, so that we can both have truly special experiences.

    Again, this might sound very selfish, but I really want the best for my child. But, I'm just afraid of what people will think when they find out I want my child to be autistic.
     
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  2. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    The first is selfish, the second isn't. You said "gift". That's the opposite of selfish! If you believe Autism is a good thing, then it'd be illogical for you not to want them autistic. It'd be selfish to hope they're not autistic. Why would you deny them such a gift?

    Also, I don't believe in thoughts or feelings being bad. Actions are. I can't imagine what actions you'd take to make this happen, so I'd say it's all harmless daydreaming.
     
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  3. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    If it were me, I would just want a child. I would accept him or her whoever they were, NT or neurodiverse. I would want to avoid falling into the trap of wishing for a child that is like me because that isn't going to happen, each person is different, with their own merits and weaknesses. It would not be fair to try to impose my personality or wishes on that child, for the child to be what I never was (I know you're not saying this, but so many parents do this, including my own). EDIT: I wouldn't want the child to have so many of the difficulties I had to endure in life.
     
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  4. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm not opening this can of worms..
     
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  5. Starfire

    Starfire Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    What if your autistic child was none verbal and incontinent, would you be happy to change diapers throughout their life into adulthood, when you were in your 60s or 70s?

    You obviously realise you don’t get to choose where your child is on the spectrum. If they had severe learning disabilities you wouldn’t be able to exercise your unparalleled mind with them, and watching Thomas the Tank Engine all day everyday for example, will quickly become tedious at the least!

    I have a child with autism and she in no way resembles anything you imagine. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it, don’t pray for an elephant unless you have a huge back garden etc etc.

    I don’t think what you really want is a child with autism, maybe what you really want is a lifelong best friend on a similar part of the spectrum as you, that you can share things with and enjoy stimulating and intelligent, thought provoking discussions with, but I may be wrong.
     
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  6. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I also have a severely autistic son, and you wrote something much more eloquent than I ever could of. Well done. I love my son more than anything, but I wouldn't wish his condition on my worst enemy.
     
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  7. Starfire

    Starfire Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Thanks Major Tom, I love my child completely too but I wouldn’t wish her condition on anyone else either. She has a really hard time, and she gives everyone around her a really hard time too. It’s about as far removed from a ‘gift’ as I can imagine but until and if there’s a ‘cure’ we all just have to make the best of it, and look for the positive even when it seems there isn’t any at times.
     
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  8. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Maybe 10 yrs down the line there will be tests available during pregnancy, the results of which may indicate what you’re likely to parent. (In terms of ASD)

    Unless of course research shows ASD is caused by something else?
    Or a combination of many something elses.

    Until such time Adam,
    There are no guarantees, or strong probabilities that you’ll end up with a son just like you.

    The thing with having the responsibility of children is that you can’t just get rid of it or swap it
    if you’re raising a child that doesn’t meet your ideals and expectations.

    Parenting isn’t about forcing your expectations onto an impressionable, young mind,
    It’s about working with what’s already there.

    You won’t know for sure what’s already there until it’s there.
    :)
     
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  9. BrokenBoy

    BrokenBoy 戯言使い(Nonsense User)

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    That's so messed up.
     
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  10. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    There are different ways to look at this. To have a child so you can have someone who can relate to you is totally selfish. I understand what you're saying, but have you considered volunteering somewhere to help autistics? Or joining a group (like this) to meet others that can relate to you?
    IF you had an autistic child, you may make a wonderful parent because you could relate to them (not the other way around). But children NEVER (ND or NT) relate to their parents. They do not want to try to relate to their parents. They will try their hardest to untie all ties to their parents. If that's what you are needing, a child is not the answer. And a child makes you aware every minute that you are alone when there is no one at your side helping you take care of all the needs of that child. So if you want to feel MORE alone, have a child.
    There are parts of it that would be considered a gift, but there are other parts that make life really difficult, even the simplest of things can become a nightmare. Even the most together autistic person will have the negative effects of having autism. And feeling alone is one of them.
     
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  11. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

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    Regarding your first point, that's putting quite a bit of pressure on a child. What if the child doesn't meet your expectations? How will you deal then? You shouldn't expect your child to be your best friend and confidant, at least not until they're old enough and mature enough. They need a parent, not a friend.

    And regarding your second point, autism is an extremely broad spectrum. If your child ends up being so low-functioning that they throw their own feces and need you to take care of them their whole life, do you think you would have the mental strength and fortitude to handle it? What if they're nonverbal?
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata Only you can free yourself.....

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    There are so many opinions here. That took a lot to say what you really wanted. Maybe this forum isn't ready to hear this. l would break down what you want into segments. You want a child, you want companionship of something similar to you, and your heart is big and caring. Put all this together and it came out as such, and thats okay. Maybe you can find someone as a friend similar as you, maybe you will be blessed with a child, and l know you would embrace that child no matter what.
     
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  13. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    @Adam Hakeemi I agree with @Aspychata - it DID take a lot for you to say what you wanted and it's good that you did that. I hope you don't take all the different advice here as criticism, I don't think it was meant to be. I know I didn't mean what I said as criticism. There's just a lot of things to consider with something this big, as a child and I hoped to point out that a child is not going to fill that need you're looking for because they will never relate to you like a friend would. I hope you can find many friends here that CAN relate to you. I actually do understand that need to have someone in your life you can connect to.
     
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