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Is everyone hating me behind my back at work?


Active Member
Hi there, there's something that is bugging me and won't let go. I work part time in a secondhand shop (since December) in the weekends. It's a tough job, and not your average cute vintage store. It's hard work and tough clients.

The team I work with is very intimate, everyone knows personal things of each other and they often meet outside of work. Of course, I'm not such a social beast, and feel a bit like an outsider. But lately I feel like they are ignoring me and what else people do when they don't like you that much.

My manager won't respond to my email and messages, another one is kind of rude to me when I ask something, they ignore me in their group chat (it's that close) and nobody is telling me a thing.
And I thought everyone was nice and open to each other? ): I feel like quitting but can't miss the money.

Does anyone has some good advice or help? Sorry for complaining, I know I know.
Hi Deerlion, I'm sorry to say I don't have any advice but I read what you said about your situation and wanted to let you know you're not unique in the aspie world. Hang in there.
Is there anyone above the manager? Human resources or something along those lines?

I'd step it up and at least address the fact that your manager is doing a terrible job in communicating with you in work related issues.
Are we to assume this is a non-corporate entity with no actual Human Resources Department? A very small number of employees? Unfortunately that scenario tends to work against most anyone for a multitude of reasons. Then you have to consider what country and all the legal distinctions that go with it in accordance with employment. This goes for any question posted relative to employment concerns since this is an international audience.

All that aside, getting along with coworkers in general is a complex matter of chemistry. In your case it's compounded by being a part-time worker when most of them are presumably full-time employees. That's a social/political distinction you may not be able to overcome that has nothing to do with NTs and Aspies. Not fair, but all too often "it is what it is".

The only objective thing I can point to is per your own observation, your manager ignoring you. At the very least he should be responding to your concerns, no matter what they may be. Reach out to him and find out what the problem is...skip the emails. Show you are genuinely concerned.

The one thing you can never lose sight of at any time is the need to keep social interactions from compromising the actual work you do. I've worked in very small sole-proprietor places of work, and multi-billion dollar corporate establishments. They both have their share of complexities for employees. Which left me with those I had to stay away from, those I couldn't stay away from, and those who could best help me maintain my job and get promoted.
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If you're just there to make money and don't care about "getting along" with your co-workers, just stay to yourself and do your job. If you have any free time, read a book. Definitely have a face to face talk with your supervisor about why emails haven't been answered.

Now if you want to feel like you're "one of the group" then you'll have to find a common interest that the others have and start "piping in" to their conversations. It's going to be really awkward, at first, especially if they all have been working with each other longer and you're newer. I don't go out with any of my coworkers, but I still try to converse with them at work and keep a friendly environment since I have to work with them and need their help with certain things. Women always need to be able to "chat" with whoever they are spending time with for emotional bonding purposes, but I wouldn't tell them anything too private about you because women are also gossipers and will spare no one - even their supposedly "closest friend".
Whatever course of action you decide on, I would consider embarking on it in the most friendly and positive way possible. It is logical that this will best achieve the desired result, and if it all fails you can walk away with the confidence that you did your best.
Thanks for the help guys! Very much appreciated. Sorry to hear that some of you are in the same position with the same struggles.. Makes me kind of sad and wonder; It's us? Do we attract this?

However, I'm going to confront my manager with the communication problem, or at least try. It helps that I'm curious, because I know she saw my messages and emails (you can see that) but still didn't reply, and I want to know why you would do such a thing! (It was an important matter)

I'm afraid there's not really someone from human resources or such, but there IS a somewhat older woman who hired me, maybe she can help. She seemed nice. And also, it's indeed a small group. The full timers are all older and don't really mix with the part time group; we're all students except for two. But, I'm the only one who works weekends only.

I'm going to 'inspect' my contract, maybe there's something that can help me along the way. Hopefully my manager decides to reply, I need to go to work on Saturday ...

I wish I could reply to all of your answers, they're all helpful to me. It's nice to have a place where people will help you no matter what. Thanks a lot!
when I was in the army the people would talk behind my back and in front of my back as well, talking about me as though I wasn't even there. work is hell.o_O
I don't think it goes as far as "hating". NT's are insincere and snide. They maybe just don't know how to get on with you, and so avoid you. I have a touch of paranoia, and, it seems, BPD. Your speculations, sound like those mechanisms operating to me. Honestly, I don't think most people really care enough about most other people to bother hating them. They might be talking about or laughing at you, but it's low hanging fruit for them. I doubt the label, "hating" applies. You might just not fit in, and constitute an easy target, as well as someone they don't enjoy dealing with as much as others there. Don't make more of it than it is, and oddly enough, by downplaying my importance to others, I have become happier and less thin-skinned. Cause really, most people don't give a damn about most other people. Indifference is humanity's baseline.

Makes me kind of sad and wonder; It's us? Do we attract this?

We don't fit in. The thing that makes up the vast majority of human interaction, and always has, we don't do. All species avoid, ostracize and isolate individuals that don't fit in. In the macro, I don't believe it's malicious, premeditated, or personal, although there are examples of these tendencies in the micro. They are acting according to their nature, in obedience to urges they are not fully aware they have. It's the path of least resistance. I prefer this to the social charity we get from time to time. Those "donors", I do hate fervently.
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hmm, sometimes in some work environments, people will at least do their job minimally with you if nothing more. Sounds like you may not even have that. If you feel you can possibly do better, try to apply to other jobs if you can while still keeping this one.
Wow, abby normal; you were in the army! Sounds brave. It's a shame the others weren't nice, what do you do now?

nowwhat; thanks for the explanation. You cleared it up! I feel like there's still a lot I need to learn about myself, but that will come.

paloftoon; thanks for the tip! Good idea, I will put work into that.

I'm sorry for the short replies! I have something bad going on with my spare root canal! Hurt like hell, so back to bed now!
Dear Deerlion,
I wonder if your job suits you. Are you a salesperson and regularly in contact with customers? This can be very stressful to Aspies and you should consider finding something else. If you are mainly on your own in your work, such as working backstage that is much easier. I have also been mocked in my job, but I was lucky enough that my manager quit, and the new one is very nice. That will likely not be an option for you.
Wow, abby normal; you were in the army! Sounds brave. It's a shame the others weren't nice, what do you do now? I have something bad going on with my spare root canal! Hurt like hell, so back to bed now!
I hope you can at least take some painkillers for your root canal, if the pain persists more than a few hours it is IMPORTANT to go back to the dentist. I know that is no fun, though. as far as me being in the army, it was something I was forced into, as being homeless got old real quicklike and the army was the only job available to me in the depths of the Reagan recession back in the early 80s.
Dschoch; Now I'm thinking about it.. No, this job doesn't really suit me I guess? There are a lot of social tasks that need to be done, and they're no fun! People can be rude (but I guess everyone knew that already). The best is hanging clothes in the back; no people, no talking. Sweet!

- abby normal; woah, forced into. It's so weird to read about your life in that time, if you know what I mean? I didn't exist yet, and only know Reagan from books and movies. So weird aha! But thanks! My root canal is sort of fixed; pain is gone, it needs to heal now. Oh! I'm curious about your army stories.
I have found that I have a lot of trouble deciding whether I enjoy the challenge of social atmospheres or not. I hate them because I am painfully confused by them, but some aspects of that are rewarding. If you do end up achieving a mutual understanding after having a discussion with your manager, which is rare but it can happen, then you might find tackling social issues rewarding in retrospect like I have. I have sent myself through many emotional rollercoasters as a Teaching assistant and a member of Student Government in the past, but I keep going back to similar settings knowing they will be a challenge for me. One of the particularly awful things I've encountered is that even after you "learn" how to tackle a work problem like this you will probably have almost exactly the same degree of difficulty if the same issue arises again. But sometimes that has just as much to do with office politics as it does with having a disorder on the spectrum.
I guess what I mean to say is don't degrade yourself. Even if talking to your manager doesn't work don't bully yourself into thinking you were meant for smaller jobs or destined for failure. A lot of people that don't identify as disabled at all have the same problems at work.

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