heavenleeblue
Active Member
Hello to the community, I am 21 years old coming from a small village near a city and I speak French, Excuse my english ^^. I am very stressed about writing my story to you guys and I don't even know why. I just don't know what to start... it's been a month since I watched the video about autism that kind of fed my passion about humans and behaviours. humans behaviours have always been a big mystery that I intended to resolve. I can't count the number of time I told myself that I want to isolate myself and live alone since school, friendship and family relations have been ****** and hard for the most part. Today I am glad to say that I have few, but close friends that are for the most part long date friends.
I just realize how much I use the word "i" in my sentences...
I just started to see a therapist, hoping to get a diagnostic as soon as possible, cause really the feeling of not knowing if I am on the spectrum is UNBEARABLE. For the past month, I can't pass a day without watching videos on google about autism and all the comorbidity like ADHD and BPD, sooo much I can't sleep some times. I have been searching for different topics on the internet since I'm 15 years old going from self-esteem to how to make love
XD, it is so intriguing and a good way to know me better. In fact, I think I have been searching for my identity forever.
I never accepted the way people treat me like I'm different or always off track. I have always been attracted to the other kid of my school, searching for attention or approval which often resulted in more rejection. That being said, you can understand that I couldn't let that be, I tried (and failed over and over) to be ``like everyone`` and that kinda work :S I always had close friends and seeing them is part of my daily routine. A perfect day cannot be passed alone for me, even tho they often get me tired, I need time for myself.
I don't know if someone can relate to me, I feel like I had to learn how to be socially ``nice`` through introspection (and sometimes lots hating toward myself) what everybody learned naturally when young. I am talking about making good jokes, fitting in the group mood, understanding social cue (like sarcasm and few body languages) not talking too much about myself(even tho I think a LOT of people talk too much their I(which is ironical since this text contain like 100 I))
I I I I I kidding ... I
Finally, I want to say, that if I do am autistic, I am sensitive to social cue. I pass normally in a social situation (special thanks to my friends!), I always thought the sun was too bright and loud sound very annoying but I never experience meltdown or lost control.... except one time(see the last paragraph). I already went to Disney land when I was young and I remember it to be draining but I got through it. I just can't relate at some point to what autistic person can live. I know I am often fatigued but never to the point of being obligated to cool down right away, I think I can cumulate my fatigue and cool down when I have the opportunity. to be honest I'd like to be diagnosed with ASD because I have felt upset about my behaviour and being told how I am the one being wrong when I wouldn't listen or understand as an example. I have probably developed BPD over time because of my past.
I rarely had the chance to express my thought since I think that would bore people, I am full of knowledge few know about, not even my family.
It is important for me to precise that I don't seek your pity by saying these things, I figure it would be nice to talk about it.
In the next thread, I will be shinier and I will tell you my passion
Thanks to those who read this xXxx Peace
That's my story about my meltdown. Interesting ehhh ??
For real, I don't remember being so confused even tho I've been off track for a good part of my life.
I just realize how much I use the word "i" in my sentences...
I just started to see a therapist, hoping to get a diagnostic as soon as possible, cause really the feeling of not knowing if I am on the spectrum is UNBEARABLE. For the past month, I can't pass a day without watching videos on google about autism and all the comorbidity like ADHD and BPD, sooo much I can't sleep some times. I have been searching for different topics on the internet since I'm 15 years old going from self-esteem to how to make love
XD, it is so intriguing and a good way to know me better. In fact, I think I have been searching for my identity forever.
I never accepted the way people treat me like I'm different or always off track. I have always been attracted to the other kid of my school, searching for attention or approval which often resulted in more rejection. That being said, you can understand that I couldn't let that be, I tried (and failed over and over) to be ``like everyone`` and that kinda work :S I always had close friends and seeing them is part of my daily routine. A perfect day cannot be passed alone for me, even tho they often get me tired, I need time for myself.
I don't know if someone can relate to me, I feel like I had to learn how to be socially ``nice`` through introspection (and sometimes lots hating toward myself) what everybody learned naturally when young. I am talking about making good jokes, fitting in the group mood, understanding social cue (like sarcasm and few body languages) not talking too much about myself(even tho I think a LOT of people talk too much their I(which is ironical since this text contain like 100 I))
I I I I I kidding ... I
Finally, I want to say, that if I do am autistic, I am sensitive to social cue. I pass normally in a social situation (special thanks to my friends!), I always thought the sun was too bright and loud sound very annoying but I never experience meltdown or lost control.... except one time(see the last paragraph). I already went to Disney land when I was young and I remember it to be draining but I got through it. I just can't relate at some point to what autistic person can live. I know I am often fatigued but never to the point of being obligated to cool down right away, I think I can cumulate my fatigue and cool down when I have the opportunity. to be honest I'd like to be diagnosed with ASD because I have felt upset about my behaviour and being told how I am the one being wrong when I wouldn't listen or understand as an example. I have probably developed BPD over time because of my past.
I rarely had the chance to express my thought since I think that would bore people, I am full of knowledge few know about, not even my family.
It is important for me to precise that I don't seek your pity by saying these things, I figure it would be nice to talk about it.
In the next thread, I will be shinier and I will tell you my passion
Thanks to those who read this xXxx Peace
The instructor whistle, the game started!
the half of the kids started to run after the guy who had the ball.
That guy with the ball would perform some agile shot to pass it to his teammate.
As the ball would jump around from hand to hand, I was there in my 9 years old body, trying to get my teammate to throw me the ball.
It wasn't long since I was thrown the ball, often I wouldn't be able to catch but this time I successfully catch it.
I had a taught crossing my mind, ``what if I keep it?``
all of a sudden, all the kids are running at me ``Throw the BALL !!! YOU CAN'T KEEP THE BALL YOU CHEATER!!!! BALLA EODSFK ELSFLFSK KFEFLGLK``
Throw the ball to whom??? I don't even know who are my teammate I can't move and everyone is waiting on me.
I yelled I don't remember what, before falling on the ground into tears and panic.
The teacher started to yell at me in front of my classmate because I yelled and I was not cooperative.
I just ran away to the bathroom...
the half of the kids started to run after the guy who had the ball.
That guy with the ball would perform some agile shot to pass it to his teammate.
As the ball would jump around from hand to hand, I was there in my 9 years old body, trying to get my teammate to throw me the ball.
It wasn't long since I was thrown the ball, often I wouldn't be able to catch but this time I successfully catch it.
I had a taught crossing my mind, ``what if I keep it?``
all of a sudden, all the kids are running at me ``Throw the BALL !!! YOU CAN'T KEEP THE BALL YOU CHEATER!!!! BALLA EODSFK ELSFLFSK KFEFLGLK``
Throw the ball to whom??? I don't even know who are my teammate I can't move and everyone is waiting on me.
I yelled I don't remember what, before falling on the ground into tears and panic.
The teacher started to yell at me in front of my classmate because I yelled and I was not cooperative.
I just ran away to the bathroom...
That's my story about my meltdown. Interesting ehhh ??
For real, I don't remember being so confused even tho I've been off track for a good part of my life.
