Intro - Aspie Mom of 3, from Canada

[InPrincipio]

Hello,

I am a recently diagnosed 49 yo female autistic (Aspie) from a beautiful area in the province of Ontario, in Canada. I was previously self-diagnosed in the fall of 2013 when I discovered Autism.

I began researching everything I could about Autism at the time, and my son was diagnosed at the age of 12 the following spring. As for myself, I continued to not only fake it, but also to deny it; these I had always done, but I was only denying it to myself. I am so much more than Autistic, and I didn’t want to be limited by others’ invalid and ignorant opinions. I also didn’t want anyone to think I was a bad mother. I have 3 children (now all teens), and they were all previously tested with gifted IQs! But my middle child was always different, and I wanted the best for this early reader and mathematician. I wanted to protect him from the teachers and well-meaning Sunday school teachers who would always have their opinion and seek to inform me of what they thought I did not know – that he was likely ADHD, and that there were things he could read but did not comprehend.

I’m sure more will be told over the course of time, but that’s my intro! I’m also happily married for 20 years (despite my current condition), and I’m an artist. I am only recently diagnosed because it became obvious to me that I am having a hard time (for about 2 years) trying to function after moving, trying to meet some new people that I might call friends (proving very difficult for me), working at a very stressful job, and losing my mother to cancer 1 year ago and watching her die. Those are the major things. So, therefore, I’m also in the process of being diagnosed with GAD and severe depression.

I’m finding it somewhat helpful to write. I don’t mind sharing with you all. My family has so far been supportive about me having to be away from work. I have just started a medical leave of absence. I am going to use my recent diagnoses to find support in whatever way I need it. 49 years is a long time to live in this world without support. I don’t wish to disclose this to people who (as I mentioned already) are ignorant about autism. My son feels the same. So, this forum should be helpful, and my family (husband and kids only) and one friend so far will suffice for emotional support. Otherwise, I will speak only with certain medical professionals who need to know.

I look forward to “listening” to your shared thoughts. Thank you in advance for your welcome!

 

[tree]

 

[Keigan]

Welcome.

In general this is a great place to be, you can make it what you want.

Though i’ll Warm you that you’ll find plenty of the same society characteristics right here, so take it all with a grain of salt.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Gritches]

Welcome!

 

[Mia]

Hi Inprincipio, welcome to AC.

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome here!

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hello,

I am a recently diagnosed 49 yo female autistic (Aspie) from a beautiful area in the province of Ontario, in Canada. I was previously self-diagnosed in the fall of 2013 when I discovered Autism while enrolled in Teachers College. I was in the right place to discover that Autism is a spectrum and that my oldest son was on it, but I was in the wrong place to discover that I did not fit into the teaching profession because I saw the same traits in myself (but I continued on to graduate because I couldn’t afford to quit and have to pay back all the OSAP grants I received).

I began researching everything I could about Autism at the time, and my son was diagnosed at the age of 12 the following spring. As for myself, I continued to not only fake it, but also to deny it; these I had always done, but I was only denying it to myself. I am so much more than Autistic, and I didn’t want to be limited by others’ invalid and ignorant opinions. I also didn’t want anyone to think I was a bad mother. I have 3 children (now all teens), and they were all previously tested with gifted IQs! But my middle child was always different, and I wanted the best for this early reader and mathematician. I wanted to protect him from the teachers and well-meaning Sunday school teachers who would always have their opinion and seek to inform me of what they thought I did not know – that he was likely ADHD, and that there were things he could read but did not comprehend.

I decided to homeschool my children until it became obvious that I was unable to provide a decent social environment for them – you know how it happens… convicting thoughts, others’ opinions (especially husband’s). Well, it wasn’t the best thing for them to return to school, because that was when the open bullying began with all 3 of my kids to varying degrees, but mostly with my middle child, my oldest son. It has been heartbreaking to experience it as a parent, because I was also severely bullied as a child.

I’m sure more will be told over the course of time, but that’s my intro! I’m also happily married for 20 years (despite my current condition), and I’m an artist. I am only recently diagnosed because it became obvious to me that I am having a hard time (for about 2 years) trying to function after moving a 4-hr distance away from where we used to live, trying to meet some new people that I might call friends (proving very difficult for me), working at a very stressful job (office manager/controller without my own office!) for the past 20 months, and losing my mother to cancer 1 year ago and watching her die. Those are the major things. So, therefore, I’m also in the process of being diagnosed with GAD and severe depression.

I’m finding it somewhat helpful to write. I don’t mind sharing with you all. My family has so far been supportive about me having to be away from work. I have just started a medical leave of absence. I am going to use my recent diagnoses to find support in whatever way I need it. 49 years is a long time to live in this world without support. I don’t wish to disclose this to people who (as I mentioned already) are ignorant about autism. My son feels the same. So, this forum should be helpful, and my family (husband and kids only) and one friend so far will suffice for emotional support. Otherwise, I will speak only with certain medical professionals who need to know.

I look forward to “listening” to your shared thoughts. Thank you in advance for your welcome!

Hi. Welcome to the group from me, too. I see a lot of similarities in our stories. I mean my wife is from Canada, we have been married over ten years (known each other close to twenty years), we have a couple of children, both on the Spectrum, and with my wife and one of our sons with ADHD, too, and with my wife diagnosed with GAD as well. I and my wife have done lots of artwork, too, love writing, I have some Aspie traits, and we homeschool our children.

As well, I lost my mother not too long ago, after she was diagnosed with only a few days left to live. And we do not have any support system, once we moved to another state a few years ago from twelve hours away. We are are doing our best, but finding time to enjoy things, too. Things can be hard at times, but we make things work, as we focus just on doing the little or important things or going step by step. We hope things will go as well for you all, too.

 

[InPrincipio]

Thank you all! I already feel somewhat at home, surprisingly!
And, I appreciate our connections, Dadwith2Autisticsons, and I'm hoping the best for you, too.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Thank you all! I already feel somewhat at home, surprisingly!
And, I appreciate our connections, Dadwith2Autisticsons, and I'm hoping the best for you, too.

Thanks, one of the biggest recent decision we had to make was definitely regarding the homeschooling, too. Our biggest worry was not only the bullying that could happen at public schools, as I was bullied too growing up because of severe social difficulty, anxiety and shyness, and as I knew of the cover-ups or minimizing there that happened there, but we just did not think they would design a program best for each of their abilities, limitations and learning needs, nor accommodate, based on our trial experiences with my wife watching three days of preschool with our oldest son who is age eight now, five years ago.

Each situation is different though, and some parents actually will feel it is needed to have traditional schooling. I mean I survived and become a good person despite my school experiences, which were not the most pleasant, and went on to finish my university studies in Math. As well. I realized my parental situation was such that homeschooling was not possible anyway for those earlier years. There can be benefits of traditional schooling, but for our case it just was not a fit. My wife says you might want to look into the Independent Learning Centre for your children, too, but which you likely already know about. They offer distant education through homeschooling for your location, if things ever do not work out at the public schooling, for any of the children.

Another big decision for us was whether I and my wife should have an updated official medical diagnosis. It was an easy decision for my wife, as she and I felt she was misdiagnosed for over twenty years with two other major conditions not mentioned, as not only did none of the treatments work, but made her condition much worse causing suicidal issues, serious allergic reactions to medications, apathy, worse behaviors and so on. Over a year and a half ago, she finally had very comprehensive testing that showed the ADHD, which explained everything. As for me, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and OCD, at age nineteen, but relate a lot to those with ASD, as I love details and analysis, and as our children have that condition, being medically diagnosed with such. For me, I do not think an updated diagnosis matters, as I will act the same regardless, and would not advertise that to the public locally anyway.

 

[InPrincipio]

Dadwith2Autisticsons, yes, I only went for the formal diagnosis so I can get supports, basically to protect my family financially, in whatever way it will help with what’s available in Canada and by province. Plus I didn’t want to deny it anymore, but if no one needs to know, then I don’t need to tell them. I do, however, really need to talk with people who do understand, and thankfully, I’ve put aside my pride and joined here. But, if you don’t need the correct diagnosis and are settled without it, that’s good. As you might know as well, I have read that at some periods of time, people were being diagnosed with the pairing of Social Anxiety Disorder and OCD just to avoid having to glut the system with more than it could handle (so it is said, but where’s the justice!). Not to deny that those diagnoses are accurate, but they could easily be "sub-diagnoses" of ASD.

I have been advocating for my son for long enough to know that he was not ADHD all those years, and that when I realized ASD was what fit, I found an ally in his pediatrician, thankfully. Teachers didn’t see it, because with him being gifted it masks many traits, but they refused to see that he was gifted as well. They would only see ADHD, even though they agreed to allow him to retest (IQ – it had been a few years since we had it privately done and they wouldn’t accept that). >> They didn’t tell me when the testing was going to happen, so we were surprised when he came home one day and said he had a severe migraine and that he had done some testing. Even with a severe migraine, he still scored at the 96th percentile (lower than the first time a few years before). He was traumatized that they should judge that he wasn’t as “smart” as what his previous testing said. Two years later, his younger brother was accepted into a gifted congregation class (school board-wide), and this really made him depressed.

So, I get that we often have to endure the opinions of professionals and their compliance with the system. I strongly advocate for myself to whatever degree I am capable at the time. I’ve been known to write things down after and to come back with my responses. Since I get overwhelmed with sensory overload, I have to tell the professionals that I am better with writing things down after taking some time to process the information and their questions. I’m definitely much better at writing than speaking. I also like to have things in written or visual form, instead of conversational or aural. I’m not an auditory learner.

Hopefully, I don’t sound argumentative. I can always count on NT people to think I am, and yet I hardly say much or appear unkind. If we are bad at reading between the lines, or understanding things unsaid, then why are NTs so horrible at understanding us? I wonder sometimes why they look down on us, but then I remember that I look down on many of them for their assumptions, etc. Oops, I’ll stop ranting... I’m particularly annoyed with being let down so much, which is manifested along with my anxiety and depression as of late. I hope things don’t take too long to level out somewhat. I could really use an extended period of peace in my life, that’s for sure.

Thanks!

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Dadwith2Autisticsons, yes, I only went for the formal diagnosis so I can get supports, basically to protect my family financially, in whatever way it will help with what’s available in Canada and by province. Plus I didn’t want to deny it anymore, but if no one needs to know, then I don’t need to tell them. I do, however, really need to talk with people who do understand, and thankfully, I’ve put aside my pride and joined here. But, if you don’t need the correct diagnosis and are settled without it, that’s good. As you might know as well, I have read that at some periods of time, people were being diagnosed with the pairing of Social Anxiety Disorder and OCD just to avoid having to glut the system with more than it could handle (so it is said, but where’s the justice!). Not to deny that those diagnoses are accurate, but they could easily be "sub-diagnoses" of ASD.

I have been advocating for my son for long enough to know that he was not ADHD all those years, and that when I realized ASD was what fit, I found an ally in his pediatrician, thankfully. Teachers didn’t see it, because with him being gifted it masks many traits, but they refused to see that he was gifted as well. They would only see ADHD, even though they agreed to allow him to retest (IQ – it had been a few years since we had it privately done and they wouldn’t accept that). >> They didn’t tell me when the testing was going to happen, so we were surprised when he came home one day and said he had a severe migraine and that he had done some testing. Even with a severe migraine, he still scored at the 96th percentile (lower than the first time a few years before). He was traumatized that they should judge that he wasn’t as “smart” as what his previous testing said. Two years later, his younger brother was accepted into a gifted congregation class (school board-wide), and this really made him depressed.

So, I get that we often have to endure the opinions of professionals and their compliance with the system. I strongly advocate for myself to whatever degree I am capable at the time. I’ve been known to write things down after and to come back with my responses. Since I get overwhelmed with sensory overload, I have to tell the professionals that I am better with writing things down after taking some time to process the information and their questions. I’m definitely much better at writing than speaking. I also like to have things in written or visual form, instead of conversational or aural. I’m not an auditory learner.

Hopefully, I don’t sound argumentative. I can always count on NT people to think I am, and yet I hardly say much or appear unkind. If we are bad at reading between the lines, or understanding things unsaid, then why are NTs so horrible at understanding us? I wonder sometimes why they look down on us, but then I remember that I look down on many of them for their assumptions, etc. Oops, I’ll stop ranting... I’m particularly annoyed with being let down so much, which is manifested along with my anxiety and depression as of late. I hope things don’t take too long to level out somewhat. I could really use an extended period of peace in my life, that’s for sure.

Thanks!

Yes, I do agree that for many it could be helpful to not only get official diagnosis, but obviously correct diagnosis, for support, accommodation, financial, and any effective treatment reasons. Of course there may be some drawbacks to any medical diagnosis attempt, as wrong diagnoses or incomplete diagnoses can be given. Thus, an incorrect label there. But, being proactive and not giving up will help there.

For instance ASD and ADHD have many similarities, as does Bipolar and Borderline Personality. Also, Social Anxiety Disorder and Avoidant Personality, ASD confused with comorbid SAD and OcD, and Sensory Processing Disorder with ASD, etc. Schizoid Personality can be sometimes confused with ASD, too, and Borderline with Passive Aggressive Personslity or NPD, to name a few more.

Although I do respect anyone in any high ranking profession, for their high academic pursuits and training, these professionals should never be seen as some God, and with all the answers. They too can make mistakes, have bad judgment, have improper motives, and have personalities or attitudes that could result in wrong diagnostics or treatment. It should not be seen as fact what they diagnose, or recommend, but just their medical opinion.

Of course there can be a stigma or unfair stereotype of anyone with a condition, but when one needs a diagnosis for all the mentioned reasons, I certainly feel correct medical diagnostics is very important. My wife certainly needed it for all those reasons, and for her own sanity, as she thought nobody understood her. Here, in this forum, I admit I feel caught in the middle, as I am not sure where I stand, but I know I am different. Everyone is friendly though.

That is why NTs do not like many with conditions I feel. Anyone that looks, thinks, feels, or expresses differently can cause others anxiety, anger or fear in that other. That is what happens when they do not take the time to understand us, and when they are trained in society to value the wrong things, and put their efforts elsewhere. To me it looks like you are the caring and proactive type, trying to make the best of any difficult situation. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels like us against the world, with us writing or speaking to a brick wall.

 

[InPrincipio]

Whoa, how very "thought-ful" you are! Your words come out very well through writing. Do you do a lot of it, besides on the forum? I've been considering writing a book about this journey. Actually, I have several ideas for books in mind, but have only completed a few children's stories (without seeking to publish them yet, because I still want to illustrate them). But, I'm thinking very seriously about a book of "memoirs" (if you could call it that). Come to think of it, you did say that you like art and writing, so there you go. What are your interests in that regard? We have much in common, I'd say.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Whoa, how very "thought-ful" you are! Your words come out very well through writing. Do you do a lot of it, besides on the forum? I've been considering writing a book about this journey. Actually, I have several ideas for books in mind, but have only completed a few children's stories (without seeking to publish them yet, because I still want to illustrate them). But, I'm thinking very seriously about a book of "memoirs" (if you could call it that). Come to think of it, you did say that you like art and writing, so there you go. What are your interests in that regard? We have much in common, I'd say.

Thank You. Yes, I have written books, mostly analytical works involving behavioral and societal issues, with purpose to assist
others, as I feel empathy for others is a strength of mine. My latest nonfiction work was our story about a Dad's perspective of raising two children with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

That self-published book details our life experiences with our two sons, and our sons' experiences with the medical community, from each of their births up until about six months ago. As I love detail, analysis and organization, it is in narrative form and will thus share lots of my personal thoughts, feelings and emotions, besides our specific experiences.

That book is available in soft cover through our website, or through free PDF file email attachment. As for my first book, it was a memoir of my traumatic and dysfunctional life, from around age five to my mid twenties, showing how I coped to abuse and severe shyness, but focusing on self-improvement as I became an adult. That was cathartic to write.

As for my second and third books, they were involving specific controversial societal issues, and human behaviors that I feel are very important, respectively. So, my second work was about solving societal issues non traditional ways and through analysis of the causes, and the third was about teaching ourselves to bring out, hone or develop new great character traits, things they do not teach at school.

My wife and I also considered writing children's stories, with an adventure book series about our two Autistic sons, showing their unique differences and personalities along the Spectrum, with a positive message for each story. Although I am pretty good at painting landscapes and seascapes, I would be horrible at illustrations involving any characters. We were going to call the book series, "The Adventures of Dino and Puff," their nicknames we gave them earlier on, and sometimes still.

So, we certainly relate a lot to all you have said, and we encourage you to follow your passions as well. It is very hard doing writing much of the day, with it being so busy and hectic sometimes, so I usually must do book writings at night. I have yet to publish my first three, as I worried about offending certain others, but I am inching closer there to doing that. They are in manuscript form, and I will figure out soon what to do with those.

I always had the expression, "It often takes a thoughtful person to see a thoughtful person," so you seem that way as well, and as seen by your writings. So, keep up your niceness there

 

[InPrincipio]

Well, perhaps someday you could send me a sample, or direct me to your website. I don't know the rules about that on here... like how much we can reveal about ourselves or direct to our own websites, etc. I'm still a newbie! In the meantime, keep writing and creating art! I haven't had time for so long that I have forgotten how to start; my desire to create was nearly crushed, but I need to just do it to get back in the game. I let my website expire, and I've had nothing to post on Instagram except older pieces of art, so it's about time! Slowly maybe... but surely.

 

[Keigan]

Happy you are settling in!

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

It was hard for me to navigate things when I joined too. If you ever want a sample book chapter, just click on my profile page, then click on 'information' and then click on the homepage link listed there. One of the chapters is there, and some of my art pieces, too. My art there is a bit older too, as it is hard to paint with our smaller children present. The scenes there I created when I was living alone or just with my wife. So, I relate there. The timing has to be right sometimes, but when we start and have that desire and belief, things then will get done.

 

[Streetwise]

I still don't fully understand this but I remember reading that people who are autistic trust to easily that's !obviously part of being very sensitive .
I feel let down by some autistic people ,so it's not just neuro-typicals .i'm saddened to have suffered sarcasm by autistic people ,I'd hoped that wouldn't happen .
Sadly I still live in a chauvinistic, bigoted ,patriarchal culture and world.

 

[InPrincipio]

I still don't fully understand this but I remember reading that people who are autistic trust to easily that's !obviously part of being very sensitive .
I feel let down by some autistic people ,so it's not just neuro-typicals .i'm saddened to have suffered sarcasm by autistic people ,I'd hoped that wouldn't happen .
Sadly I still live in a chauvinistic, bigoted ,patriarchal culture and world.

Trust too easily = check, but more when I was younger (very naive), but when I am unguarded, yes;

Untrusting = check, I tend not to trust anyone anymore, but I also "file" every memory and delay judgment to be sure about a person, and decide later (I am right more often than wrong).

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I still don't fully understand this but I remember reading that people who are autistic trust to easily that's !obviously part of being very sensitive .
I feel let down by some autistic people ,so it's not just neuro-typicals .i'm saddened to have suffered sarcasm by autistic people ,I'd hoped that wouldn't happen .
Sadly I still live in a chauvinistic, bigoted ,patriarchal culture and world.

To trust too easily could be because of lack of ability to pick up on non-verbal cues and gestures, or like in the case of abused persons, with low self-esteem sometimes a desire to be liked or to please dominates their thoughts instead of fear. Other times though, abused persons will go the other away, and fear
and not trust others, as they learned that persons are not to be trusted and are to be feared.

Regardless, this society is not as chauvinistic and patriarchal as you think Streetwise. There are more men staying at home and raising children, more women in male dominated professions, more feminism on the rise, and more anti-men bashing. Men are appearing weaker and women stronger. Usually, the ones who keep talking about chauvinism just hate men. If they were abused by men, sorry for that, but there are way more good guys and for equal rights than you think.