Internet dating experience

[interim]

I want to share my internet dating experience. It can be of values for the younger people, I'm also not quite sure how to proceed in my case (of old dude, settled in his way).

Sorry if what I have to say offends somebody, but I don't think lies help anybody... So, since most of us here, have issues socializing (in my case "issues" is a vast understatement), internet is one of the few "back doors" to try communicating and reaching out. I've talked with... let's say, not a small amount of people, and for me communication, sharing were the top priorities in human interaction. It's also like a puzzle, a game for me, to understand the others via reason, since I fail to play the emotional game which people use for the so called "socializing". For me, even drinking doesn't help, since it doesn't change my personality unlike for many others.

Let me start with this - don't do like me, people don't really socialize talking with each other. I rarely talk even with my family. And not because there is something wrong, just people very rarely actually talk with each other. The language seems to be really quite recent evolutionary advance, and doesn't reach most of the brain centers... It's useful for simple tasks - like order someone to do something, explain a direction, but anything more complex fails miserably most of the time... And really, homo sapiens is not that complex creature - eat, poop, work, have sex... There is nothing that much into it. This is why people communicate exclusively visually - appearance, emotions, gestures. I've been into many sites, filling tests, answering endless questions about life, lexicons, etc. And will say one thing - it doesn't matter. Nobody cares, nobody reads. And it's getting worse, since people become more and more superficial. Here is what works - try to make yourself the best picture you can. This is really an art, if you can't - find somebody else. The only success that I have in internet sites, is in the most superficial ones - picture and basic info. I also think, there is no point to start conversations with females. This is what the other 99% of dudes do. Internet dating is the female attention seeking playground. Don't waste your time with anything beyond showing a basic interest. She must like you, and she must show attention. Your attention, doesn't really matter. It's a proven fact (from social dating sites), that women are actually much more picky about the looks then men. In the so called real life, the other important thing would be behavior, but if it's virtual - only the looks can be communicated.

So, in this last site, I registered yesterday, since I found it was "trending". So, I said to myself - it must the one, looks superficial enough, tries to copy tinder. Why not try it for an experiment. I even didn't put good picture of myself, and quite a few of the female profiles that I browsed (without anything else), actually took the initiative to show interest for communication in the same day. I know that you can't have big expectations from such kind of superficial interactions. However, I also believe in statistics, and that more people, means better chance to meet someone compatible. In many sites, I've had zero interest, especially if I don't put a picture (which is mostly what I do).

With this last social experiment, on so called healthy human beings, I wonder how to proceed. It's not new revelation to me, that the only way to be liked by others is because of my looks. However, it's not enough for social interactions, since they will see that there is something off with me, they will reveal that I can't be emotional and superficial. This is why in the past I tried to hide my looks, and to find someone that will value me for myself. It didn't work out though, it was an experiment that I conducted for 10 years with pretty convincing results. For younger people, I would advise to skip my failed experience and directly go to what actually works, try to play along longer, try to be calm, and see what happens... Like I said, with internet, it's mostly a game of statistics. I'm just too old and too disappointed to play along though...

Btw, it is interesting, that I even tried to discourage them by putting things like autism, philosophy, religion, reincarnation like my interests. I guess they never even read that small piece of information. Otherwise, I would be instantly labeled as weirdo. As interests, better use something like - having fun, listening house music, eating food, traveling to other countries, watching movies, reading... magazines... sell that superficial looks with even more superficial personality...

 

[Mary Terry]

I also think, there is no point to start conversations with females. This is what the other 99% of dudes do. Internet dating is the female attention seeking playground. Don't waste your time with anything beyond showing a basic interest. She must like you, and she must show attention. Your attention, doesn't really matter. It's a proven fact (from social dating sites), that women are actually much more picky about the looks then men.

Your attitude toward women is probably why you have no success on dating websites or in real life. Please post your photo here. We women want to swoon over how handsome you are.

 

[tree]

The OP is saying more about himself than he realizes, I think.

"The only success that I have in internet sites, is in the most superficial ones - picture and basic info. I also think, there is no point to start conversations with females."
"...in the past I tried to hide my looks, and to find someone that will value me for myself. It didn't work out though..."

 

[Reirei]

I think it is a bad assumption that women would assume you are a "weirdo" for having interests of autism, philosophy, religion and reincarnation. There could be someone out there who also has those interests or at least some overlapping interest.

Also, I didn't even know what my now husband looks like when I first met him (online in Diablo 3) but we had common interests and so it mattered to me less what he looked like.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I think it is a bad assumption that women would assume you are a "weirdo" for having interests of autism, philosophy, religion and reincarnation. There could be someone out there who also has those interests or at least some overlapping interest.

Agreed. OP, you are not the only person on the planet with these interests, they're really not that weird. If anything being open about these interests is more likely to attract women with compatible interests who will thus stick around long enough to have a conversation with you. Repeat after me: "I am not a special as I think I am. I am not as special as I think I am."

Assuming you speak to people on dating apps in a similar way to how you do here, part of your problem may be your condescending tone. No one likes being treated like they are stupid or superficial, like their interests are not as deep and meaningful as yours, or whatever it is you are getting at.

Since when is 35 old?

 

[Shamar]

Scott Adams (Dilbert author):
“The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find
someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is
futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone
who is capable of significant change; that sort of person
exists only in our imaginations.”

 

[Fino]

I may be way off with this, but if you're not interested in socializing then wouldn't that disqualify an interest in dating, as well? What would the goal be? I thought it was a social paradigm.

Everyone else said everything else I was gonna say.

I clicked your profile expecting you to be in your 60s! I hope 35 isn't old cause then I'm almost old.

 

[Oldlady]

A couple things.

First, young women do have the upper hand in the dating department. This is because they are highly valued and sought after by men. However, men begin to have more power as they age. This is because they often accrue more money and stuff which is highly valued and sought after by women. Before anyone gets their dander up and tells me how non-superficial they are ... I realize that I am generalizing. Anytime anyone says 'men are this way and women are that way' ... they are generalizing.

Second, it has been my observation that when an individual fails to achieve some goal or other that they have set themselves, like getting dates online, they will often blame other people for their failure.

 

[paloftoon]

It sounds like you have been testy with your profile on others. Be careful that you aren't that way with people in-person especially. If you're going to try something, try it with the intention that it might make you a better person and find good people rather than focusing on seeing if someone else "passes" a test. "Tests" will come up automatically and you try to make sound decisions from there.

 

[Tom]

I have to doubt the conclusion that women value men's looks more than men value women's, or perhaps said better, place more importance on. What I have seen written on that in studies in the past and personnel observation suggests the opposite.

That is not to say such might occur, or more equally in more artifical meat market environments.

When you say you want people to take you for what you are, that has to include the whole package, not just select parts.

 

[Oldlady]

My understanding is that men value appearance in women more than women value appearance in men. And women value providing power more in men than men value providing power in women. In fact, men don't mind when a woman is better looking than themselves, but do mind if she is a higher earner. Whereas, women are the other way around.

 

[interim]

I want to say, after few days in hesitation - I made a "move"... I didn't expect this from myself. But one of the girls was actually very... lovable (probably even too beautiful for me). And since she showed interest, now I feel stupid, if I don't do anything. There is a slight problem though. She is Turkish, and I'm not. Anyway, this is not problem for me personally, although I know they are quite traditional. I will just try to be at my best, so when the inevitable happens (she ghosts me or gets disappointed by my social deficiency), I will actually feel good about myself, since the problem was not me, and I acted as the perfect gentleman. That is my plan - to clear my conscious, that I did "the right thing" .

My attitude towards women was always quite good, actually - too good, most women are not fine to treat them that well. It becomes boring, not enough drama, not enough emotions... Most women are masochistic, they like the pain it seems. Like all of us, I was once young, inexperienced, and sure, I regret some things, some objective faults on my side. I'm not that "romantic", and my mind is, a lot of the time, somewhere else. Women generally need more attention, need to be treated like... women, special, while I treat them like... people.

I've been on quite a few real "dates" with women from internet in my twenties. Only one was like a real date though, the others were more... friendly. The problem with women is that you should never, ever try to befriend them from the start. They must understand from the beginning if you have a "romantic interest" and want something more. Since I'm mind oriented, this is difficult for me, I must get to know them first, but at that point, I'm already in the "just a friend" compartment... Nowadays, I don't care much about socializing, although I don't want to be like... actively avoiding it. My so called "dates" failed mostly, because it was too much talk, and not much action. Talk always reaches some point of disagreement or difficulty, and if you don't make sex with her - she will dump you. The "magic" will disappear, she will start questioning her feeling. Again, it's a myth that sex is more important for men, it's actually more important for women (from a psychological view), since this is how they create intimacy. For a man, mental activities can be intimate enough, but most women are dominated by emotions and they need to get physical. So yes, I had a problem with the attitude - I failed to get them into the bed soon enough. I know that most men have the opposite problem, they are too fast, I'm too slow. Again, a tip for the younger - find that balance...

About how much men are attracted to looks... I'm not... "standard", and can't completely say. IMO, the most attractive things is AGE. Men are programmed to seek young women in their peak reproductive years. Almost any young healthy female ( < 30) can find enough attention from at least average looking guy. After that age, it's getting more difficult, and it shows up which women are actually beautiful (will give one example - Monica Bellucci). The illusion that women have, that they need to be more beautiful, comes probably from the fact that they target that top 10% males, which are more picky. I'm also picky, but not in the sense of conventional beauty, but actually liking someone. IMO, it's more difficult to genuine like someone, then to find attraction. Attraction can be simulated, while the other thing is very personal and difficult to explain. When you really like someone, even based on looks, there is often other connection also. This is the difference. However it's sometimes difficult to differentiate between the two, and for many people, attractiveness is more important.

 

[interim]

Actually this is something I don't quite get. I seem to attract more the attractive girls, while the more "average" ones, don't like me so much. Why is that? In this site, it's the same thing. This was the most beautiful girl that I saw there, and she was the most interested in me... I'm not joking, this is a real problem that I have here...

Like I said, I don't need the women to be conventionally attractive and beautiful. It's actually a negative for me, since I feel pressured to live up to some expectations, while I can't deal even with an average looking woman... Also, they are generally a lot of other men around these girls, men with money, with a lot of confidence, with BMWs... Why me then?

I think, that these girls are just tired of macho guys, they've seen all of it, and at some point, they actually just want a normal guy. And although I'm weird in some ways, I'm still way more normal and sane then all these guys around them. Guys which are with them, just because of their beauty, and to boost their own ego. Maybe these women are the ones, that want to be treated normally, like a person, and don't need the fake attention and flirting games. While the uglier women still prefer and seek the "bad boy", the top dog, that will turn their world around. Since they didn't have the chance to actually get such guys, and see them for what they are, they didn't pass this teenage mentality. Anyway, this is another personal mistake of mine, even if you lack the confidence for the pretty girls, if they are the one who like you, these are the once that you should go for... Don't be judgemental, that they are more superficial, just because they are more beautiful...