Good. I hope things work out, as if he cares then he should put forth some reasonable effort like that.
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Interested in dating a guy but he confuses me
- Thread starter lorelai
- Start date
Good. I hope things work out, as if he cares then he should put forth some reasonable effort like that.
Thank you all, I have been at home for so long, there were times I was too sick to even get out of the bed for the entire day. Its kinda sad I cannot go right now. And that i cannot afford the expenses, its embarassing.
He keeps messaging, he told me that after the 23rd of september I can go there and stay at his place since his brother will be gone(i dont wanna see his brother). Unfortunately i cant go so soon. He told me he will call me to talk and we will figure it out when ill be able to go there. (ill try to make it happen when his brother isnt there)
He keeps messaging, he told me that after the 23rd of september I can go there and stay at his place since his brother will be gone(i dont wanna see his brother). Unfortunately i cant go so soon. He told me he will call me to talk and we will figure it out when ill be able to go there. (ill try to make it happen when his brother isnt there)
Ok, during the call, again just bring up your timing and any location needs for the meeting because of your situation. I am sure most doctors would not advise long distance travel anyway so soon. So, blame it on the doctors if need be. He then should not be upset at you, and maybe could understand that better.
My main issue is the nausea. There are days i can barely get around the house and cook something to eat, other days im just in bed , i cant get up or i just keep vomiting. I should mention that in february i was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (t1), so basically every day is a struggle for me to eat and just function. Im on more meds as well(i got pcos), basically all the meds i am on right now cause nausea, not just the chemo, so its like chemo x1000. It wouldnt be fun even if he were here right now, i wouldnt enjoy myself. I would be too weak and nauseous to go out. I will explain it better to him because he doesnt seem to get it, he thinks im gonna visit him in september even though i told him about the nausea etc.
Id really like to see him now that im a bit more grown up , when we last met I only had 1 boyfriend so far and didnt really appreciate how different he is. I kept dating jerks. He is still single after all these years, I would not be surprised if he is a virgin too. In any case, i will need everyone's help again when im about to visit, because, knowing him, he isnt even going to talk to me or even get close to me(seriously, he wouldnt even sit near me). So it is definitely going to be a challenge lol. If i dont make any first moves we will just sit there for my entire stay like siblings again or something
I agree it would not make sense to meet too soon, or even there, and based on the other health issues you mentioned too, so you may have to give more details later to him for him to understand your needs. Like you said, you would not be physically well or happy, so what would be the point.
As for him not talking to you in person, maybe just prior to the meeting through writing ask him what he was hoping for for the visit, and you tell him the same, like in terms of places to go, different activities to consider, and if he preferred initiating, you initiating things, or preferred it be more equal, or back and forth, or for both to be more spontaneous, etc.This might relax him more if he could plan in advance or know some expectations and boundaries.
Some with Aspergers, or even anyone with less dating experience, may prefer going small step by step. A little step to them can be a big accomplishment. I know things may seem awkward for you if he does not say much or initiate much, but in my case, it just took a few meetings for me to start feeling comfort and trusting more and really opening up, though again my diagnosed and expected condition may be a bit different than his possibly more genetic condition, despite some similar signs and symptoms.
So, yes, feel free to get further input too from the forum, as things develop further.
Thanks! I will definitely try to text him about what we are going to do while im there beforehand. But I think anything intimacy-wise will be a disaster, I mean one time he was texting me about how he wants to sleep with me and he couldnt even say the word sex or any ''bad'' word. It got so awkward. And im not exactly the person to initiate sex or be ''aggressive''. It will definitely be funny
If you both are ever ready and wanting of any intimacy, if you think things though will not go smoothly or naturally there, because of initiating issues or much awkwardness, you both may want to consider some intimate game, to take the pressure off of each, like that Truth or Dare game, or like putting cut up slips in a container with an intimate action on each, and taking turns drawing to see which action could be tried next. He could create some written ideas to put on the slips, and you, too. Once one draws a slip, if you are both ready to do that action, do it; if not, the one not ready to try or do that, or both, whichever applicable, will have to answer a question truthfully from the other. And continue that game until you both want to do something else. That could be fun, too. Or role playing, could be considered too. Like one pretends to be a nurse or doctor, teacher or student, etc.
If I'm reading your prior messages right, maybe this good guy wanted to fake a response because he finally realizes how you treated him. He may've not accepted your apology just because you gave it. It sounds like you treated him like this for years when you should have been direct and open with him from the beginning. To top it all off, you knew he was autistic from the beginning- so if you aren't honest with him from the beginning, that kind of falls on you. He never gave you any reason to be mad at him, so, if you weren't sure about him or didn't have interest, you should have said so. Instead, playing these games has just become a big mess.
He wasnt even saying he likes me, he kept messaging me with excuses like to edit his pics or whatever and then asking to meet very awkwardly, which i couldnt do. All we would talk about was the gym and very few more topics.This went on for years. Any attempts from me to flirt before dating my next bf just hit a wall. He would just reply with an emoticon or tell me something about the gym. It would frustrate me because i knew he liked me, yet he wasnt doing anything and i didnt know what to do as i had just gotten out of my first relationship and was young. There are guys over here that wanted to be with me, so i dated them, i was young and just started dating a little before that, i wanted to try it. He lives far away, i cannot just go there whenever he pleases when im not single. Now that I am single and more grown up, im giving him a chance even though its frustrating as hell. This guy wont even talk to me in person or look me in the eye, i have a lot of work to do and i have been very clear about my feelings. As for me apologizing, i dont think i even needed to in the end. He isnt mad at me or anything. He is talking to me normally, yet again asking me to go there right now. Besides that-its not like i did anything terrible to apologize. I was just distant in my messages and not replying sometimes(i found that rude of me), i was indeed busy and living with my then bf, i was clear about being with someone else and that i see him as a friend. I never showed him i liked him more than a friend but then again i wasnt single so i wouldnt have anyway. He kept chasing though and messaging me non stop, asking if i got married, mesaging multiple times when i was talking too long to reply. He got annoying sometimes and i didnt have the understanding i do now. I did tell him i liked him now. I apologized because this is the kind of person I am. I was young and stupid. I shouldnt have brought it up because it got taken out of context now. He was on vacations with his brother and his brother's gf, now he is back and messaged me. He usually concentrates on one thing so this is common for him. I just took it the wrong way, we hadnt talked in a long time
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For example, when we went out, he didnt ask me. He told his brother to ask me if i would go out with him. In the messages he was talking friendly and i was friendly too-after some time i did get annoyed by him not understanding i wasnt single and always asking me to go there as if i would cheat, and never being honest about his feelings(always talking about the gym), but i didnt expect him to say anything anyway. He couldnt even find the words to ask for sex. I only had 1 bf before that and i wasnt experienced enough to just take the lead. Im sorry but i dont understand how im playing games or doing anything ill-intended. I am single now and i want to give him a chance because i like him. Yea, he doesnt open up at all and is shy but i already said im willing to try. He is messaging me right now, he may be bolder in his messages and have the guts to tell me to go there on september 23, but still he isnt even being flirtatious, he is talking as if he is trying too much to play it cool and i get that vibe that i got from him when we were in person. That he gets anxious as hell around me. What im trying to say is even in his messages its not like he is an open book or making it easier on me. I have never made first moves with guys and this is the first time to be honest. Its kinda hard for me too to do that. I just got a bit upset the with playing games comment, i made sure from the very beginning not to do that, i dont do that even with neurotypical guys, yet alone someone with autism. Like i said before, englihs is not my native language, so i dont know where you got that from. I was inexperienced and stupid but I never played him around. My english probably isnt good enough to explain and im not even making sense now. Anyway, all is good with him, he just said he will call me too
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If I look at both sides to this, after learning more information, it is hard to fault either you or the neighbor too much. The neighbor was just being who he was and could not do any more than he had at that time, but you were holding back getting close as you felt he was less ready and you were unsure then if it was a fit, and for practical reasons because of location or health, and as you were not into initiating.
I mean, you each did what you felt was right at that time, and it was not a match at that time as there either was some misunderstanding, or both could not or did not want then to express in the way needed to move forward there. However, after more time elapsed, maybe more feelings or learning occurred, and both seem to be ok still with reconnecting in person, and are ready or still fine with considering more. Maybe that delay could jump start more efforts.
The only way to know if things will work out is through meeting and trying, if mutual interest is there for a visit and to build off the last meeting. Each person though should not try to pressure the other to do what they definitely cannot do. If you cannot meet before a certain date because of serious health reasons and doctor visits, clearly state that and say why in a caring way. If he cannot do certain things, he will not do that. That is fair, too. You both then will know quicker if things will work out. If either of you is able to bend or assist or show care in other ways, until more trust and experience occurs, that is cool, too. That will show possible compatibility.
I mean, you each did what you felt was right at that time, and it was not a match at that time as there either was some misunderstanding, or both could not or did not want then to express in the way needed to move forward there. However, after more time elapsed, maybe more feelings or learning occurred, and both seem to be ok still with reconnecting in person, and are ready or still fine with considering more. Maybe that delay could jump start more efforts.
The only way to know if things will work out is through meeting and trying, if mutual interest is there for a visit and to build off the last meeting. Each person though should not try to pressure the other to do what they definitely cannot do. If you cannot meet before a certain date because of serious health reasons and doctor visits, clearly state that and say why in a caring way. If he cannot do certain things, he will not do that. That is fair, too. You both then will know quicker if things will work out. If either of you is able to bend or assist or show care in other ways, until more trust and experience occurs, that is cool, too. That will show possible compatibility.
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Totally. I dont want to pressure him into anything. I do try to keep thinking about the autism part, but his behavior often makes me feel that he isnt interested. And then I think he has been chasing me for 5 years and tries to see me all the time. But then I think about how he is in person with me and think about his messages that just talk about the gym and photo editing and such and are only friendly. Im not used to making moves, I only had a couple longterm relationships so yea this is hard. Im not normally shy, but i honestly dont think id even have the courage to kiss him or say something about us, considering how he is around me. Last time I talked to him through texts when I had broken up, he was talking about the gym yet again. I tried to change the subject and asked him if he has ever been in love. His reply was ''no, i just wanna take care of myself only and get the best physique i can''. And then asked me something about the gym/working out etc.. Another time we were talking about workouts (shocking, right), and i steered the conversation telling him he should come help me workout (in a sexy way). He just replied with an emoticon. That was a long time ago and i guess i was wrong for not being direct with him? And another time, after i broke up, he told me he had just gotten back from Russia. I told him I stayed home for the summer and he said well home is good too. Then I said ''not that great if you have just broken up though''. And he replied ''haha well i wouldnt know about that, im always on my own''. That was it. In the 5 years I know him, all the other messages are about the gym and me going there to visit.
I read your comments about the game, but knowing him, I dont think it would work. I also dont even know how to suggest it when he just sits there next to me like a brick and doesnt respond to much. I do have time to figure it out still and to be honest if it wasnt for people here helping me, Id be totally lost. Really, thanks
Oddly enough I've had some rather attractive girlfriends who later admitted they were attracted to me precisely because I didn't pay them the usual attention of guys ogling them. But then I made friends of them...without all the preconceptions of merely dating them.
Though I'd personally tell much of any NT woman that if they look at Aspie men as some sort of "challenge", it won't likely end well IMO. Of course for all the relationships I had with NT women at the time, neither they or myself had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism.
Oddly enough I've had some rather attractive girlfriends who later admitted they were attracted to me precisely because I didn't pay them the usual attention of guys ogling them. But then I made friends of them...without all the preconceptions of merely dating them.
Though I'd personally tell much of any NT woman that if they look at Aspie men as some sort of "challenge", it won't likely end well IMO. Of course for all the relationships I had with NT women at the time, neither they or myself had a clue that I could be on the spectrum of autism.
I just like him. My messsages here cannot possibly show every aspect of our friendship over the past 5 years, but i do like him and now that i have met more men Im interested in him as more than a friend, i like how he is different. I dont need a challenge or anything. The exact opposite, if im not sure if someone likes me, i walk.. I dont have time to lose and men hit on me all the time, it isnt exactly hard to find someone else(yea i sound like a jerk for this, im just being honest, i dont waste time). I may have been inexperienced back then, but now i appreciate some things. What is kinda annoying me is this, i dont tend to chase, make first moves or do challenges, i just leave. This case is different and ill have to change my ways. Although i did tell him i liked him ,he hasnt said anything. About the attention thing also, he used to message me 24/7, bombard me with texts and calls until i cut contact, there was more than enough attention. He would often come to my city or ask me to go to his to see me.
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The bad news: Yes, you will if you're serious about such a relationship working.
The good news: You're willing to consider such changes.
It sounds like a tough situation, as I think part of his Autism is his interests are more focused, and he has a very hard being direct, for emotional and relationship type issues. But you prefer that, or will eventually need that. So, you are unsure maybe whether what you see is what you will always get, or if he will work things out with you step by step. In other words, you do not where he stands with things, and are unsure if he can advance much beyond the gym or computer talk or be open minded to seeing you in your area, or be more expressive eventually, to name a few.
He probably has anxieties as well that he is not telling you, and other interests that reach beyond what he is saying or showing. My guess based on everything you said is he probably wants more than friendship, if not to at least just try for more, but he shows it in ways you are not accustomed to. So, my advice would be as I stated in another earlier message: maybe learn as much as you can from him through writing prior to any next meeting, about his desires, interests, fears, needs and expectations, as if he expresses better there because of more comfort, that maybe is more indicative who he is or wants to be.
To get a better understanding of Autism, or anyone with a condition where socializing is really hard, I will give a summary about our sons, and myself, to show how it is hard to categorize, as each case will be different. Our oldest 8 year old Autistic son Aaron is very verbal now, after not talking until age two, and his rigid routine needs and feeding sensory issues are much less than before. He is extremely polite for many things, having learned that through us, but still has some difficulty knowing how to interact with others, with him being more direct and factual. But, he shows a wide range of positive emotions and interests, and is quite functional for most things. He does not get upset much now that his verbal skills are decent.
Dylan, our youngest 5 year old son, is Autistic too. He is nonverbal, and has more sensory issues. He has feeding problems too, but numerous other physical sensitivities pertaining to textures, light, sound, taste, temperature, and things like that. He cannot follow our verbal directions, and he needs to learn kinesthetically. He does things on his terms, and only when he is ready and able. He is very clingy and affectionate, but very hyperactive, too. He admittedly can be exhausting because of the two extremes, but we accept that. Dylan is very happy most of the day though and smiles a lot, whereas Aaron likes being more silly in a more unusual way.
As for me, I am may or may not have high functioning Autism, but suspect not, as although I have numerous such traits, regarding social difficulties, poorer eye contact, some perfectionism needs, being very detailed, and with logical abilities, but I am very hyperaware of others feelings and react accordingly, and I do not take things always literally and I have that emotional expressive side as well. I do not have sensory issues or fixated interests, nor routines other than writing related. I can be just as spontaneous than structured. So, I am really unsure what I have. It could be just that diagnosed social anxiety and some OCD traits. As well, if anything, I give to others too much, and express too much. I thrive under stress now. My shyness is now just public related though, and not one to one in quieter settings, where I am really expressive.
So, the point of saying all of that is even if one has ASD, Aspergers, or some Social Anxiety condition or other condition, each person will be different, with some persons growing through time and experience, others staying the same, or some others even having more problems later on. One would thus have no way of knowing until more learning and time occurred, regarding the two persons. You both could be a fit later on, or never. I think the keys are how one acts under stress, and the goals, interests, needs and abilities that each has, and the ability to compromise and be the best not only for themselves but that other.
He probably has anxieties as well that he is not telling you, and other interests that reach beyond what he is saying or showing. My guess based on everything you said is he probably wants more than friendship, if not to at least just try for more, but he shows it in ways you are not accustomed to. So, my advice would be as I stated in another earlier message: maybe learn as much as you can from him through writing prior to any next meeting, about his desires, interests, fears, needs and expectations, as if he expresses better there because of more comfort, that maybe is more indicative who he is or wants to be.
To get a better understanding of Autism, or anyone with a condition where socializing is really hard, I will give a summary about our sons, and myself, to show how it is hard to categorize, as each case will be different. Our oldest 8 year old Autistic son Aaron is very verbal now, after not talking until age two, and his rigid routine needs and feeding sensory issues are much less than before. He is extremely polite for many things, having learned that through us, but still has some difficulty knowing how to interact with others, with him being more direct and factual. But, he shows a wide range of positive emotions and interests, and is quite functional for most things. He does not get upset much now that his verbal skills are decent.
Dylan, our youngest 5 year old son, is Autistic too. He is nonverbal, and has more sensory issues. He has feeding problems too, but numerous other physical sensitivities pertaining to textures, light, sound, taste, temperature, and things like that. He cannot follow our verbal directions, and he needs to learn kinesthetically. He does things on his terms, and only when he is ready and able. He is very clingy and affectionate, but very hyperactive, too. He admittedly can be exhausting because of the two extremes, but we accept that. Dylan is very happy most of the day though and smiles a lot, whereas Aaron likes being more silly in a more unusual way.
As for me, I am may or may not have high functioning Autism, but suspect not, as although I have numerous such traits, regarding social difficulties, poorer eye contact, some perfectionism needs, being very detailed, and with logical abilities, but I am very hyperaware of others feelings and react accordingly, and I do not take things always literally and I have that emotional expressive side as well. I do not have sensory issues or fixated interests, nor routines other than writing related. I can be just as spontaneous than structured. So, I am really unsure what I have. It could be just that diagnosed social anxiety and some OCD traits. As well, if anything, I give to others too much, and express too much. I thrive under stress now. My shyness is now just public related though, and not one to one in quieter settings, where I am really expressive.
So, the point of saying all of that is even if one has ASD, Aspergers, or some Social Anxiety condition or other condition, each person will be different, with some persons growing through time and experience, others staying the same, or some others even having more problems later on. One would thus have no way of knowing until more learning and time occurred, regarding the two persons. You both could be a fit later on, or never. I think the keys are how one acts under stress, and the goals, interests, needs and abilities that each has, and the ability to compromise and be the best not only for themselves but that other.
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I have tried many times over the years to learn about him. Yes, he is more vocal through texts, but even there he is blunt and just talks about 1 or 2 subjects always or sends me shirtless pics. He still is a closed book. In person, he doesnt even talk to me, he would say a word or two but only if his brother is there. I dont know whats up with with that, he is constantly with his brother to the point he cannot stand being without him even for a few hours. All i can do is try my best to learn more about autism at least and try to be more aware. I have no idea if he has any other disorders, he is hiding the fact he has autism too. His brother told me way before i met him
It sounds perhaps like his brother may serve as his "wingman". Someone he has a comfort level with who willingly helps him to "translate" the NT world in real time.
If this is the case, you might consider spending some time with his brother to understand him better and possibly learn to help "translate" things as well. If that begins to happen, perhaps he might eventually attain a similar comfort level with you which he has with his brother.
IMO the best NT partners of Aspies are those who willingly and effectively serve as their "wingman".
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