Interested in dating a guy but he confuses me

[lorelai]

He has autism(high function), I do not. He is 30 and we met 5 years ago through his brother. I stayed a while with them in their city. From the very first time he saw me he wouldnt take his eyes off me, he would blush and never talk to me. When we went to their place the day I got there, his brother joked about him and me making out and he (the guy i like) sat next to me and was about to kiss me. I had just broken up from a 4+ year old relationship the day before, so I wasnt interested in anything like that.

During my stay he would always be around me, he told him brother that he wanted to go out with me and we did. It was kind of weird because he wasnt talking at all, I kept trying to make conversation but nothing. It was nice though, he is a good guy and to be honest my mood wasnt that great so maybe it was better we didnt talk much. When we got home he slept in the same bed with me. He was so stressed about it, he slept on the other edge of the bed so he wouldnt even touch me by accident. Again, back then i thought nothing of it, i was just out of my relationship and I wasnt thinking clearly or interested in men.

Then I had to leave and go back home (5 hours away). After I left he added me on fb.. He started messaging me constantly, even though in person we never talked. We found out we both were personal trainers and liked sports and working out, he would ask for my help all the time on really weird things(like he would send me pics of him and ask me to fix the brightness lol), i think it was just an excuse to talk to me. I was still very hurt from my breakup so reading the messages we sent back then now, i realise i was so distant, totally indifferent. I could see he was interested though. When i wouldnt reply he would message again and again. Eventually i met someone else in my city, had a relationship and moved in. We were still talking 3 years later. He had asked to see me more times but i wasnt ever single.. And he made it clear he didnt want to see me as just a friend. When i broke up 1 year later again, i was just not in a good mood. I eventually stopped talking to him in 2015 and deleted him.

Suddenly on August 1st this year I got a call from him. I missed it and then he messaged me. He said he wanted me to go on vacations with him and not to worry about expenses etc. I told him I was sick atm, he asked what was wrong. I told him I have cancer but im getting better and I will be able to see him in a couple of months. He then stopped replying, which is unusual for him. Thats when i went back to our old messages and saw how cold, distant and almost rude I was. I was just now realising i missed a chance with a good guy. I said I was sorry for how I treated him in the past and told him I liked him.. He replied a few hours later and gave me his phone number, told me to call him. I told him id call him later in the day when i get home.

So I get home, i message him and ask him if I can call him now. He saw it and never replied. A couple of weeks later i message him again and ask him if he wants to talk, no reply. Thats when i started feeling like i was bothering him or something(i never make first moves or chase or whatever, but i understand how he is with girls and i tried to make it easier for him). I decided to stop bothering him but I just kept thinking ''hey this guy has had a crush on me for the past 5 years, he clearly hasnt even forgotten me, he messaged me 2 weeks ago even though i had cut contact. How is it possible he isnt interested all of a sudden?'' So, thinking like that, I sent him 1 final text and told him that ill be home at 21.00 and he can call or message me then. I also mentioned that i started working out again and that i may need his help(he used to love talking about that stuff). That was yesterday. He never called. And even though he is active online, he doesnt open my viber messages (he asked me to use viber instead of fb). It just says delivered and he never opens them(you can do this if you read them with wifi off, the other person doesnt know you read them).

So did he tell me he prefers to talk on viber so that he can blow off my messages more easily? What did I do wrong? I feel terrible and like I made a fool out of myself by chasing him as if im desperate. Im single at the moment and there are guys that are interested which i had put on hold because i wanted him. Does it sound like he just wanted some quick summer sex and since i wasnt available right away, he lost interest?(he really didnt strike me as that kind of guy tbh). Did he freak out because i told him i was sick or because i told him i liked him? Should I just delete him and move on?

Sorry about the wall of text and about my english, its not my native language. I hope I made sense x

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hi. Welcome to the forum. Lately there seems to be a lot of NTs trying to understand an Asperger or Autistic partner better, and I do not think that is a bad thing but good.

It will be hard to know why he is refusing contact now, if he does not explain why, but since you gave lots of information, and based on the pattern I am seeing, and what I know about ASD I can give an opinion.

You told him you could see him in a couple of months. He maybe took that literally. Maybe he did not want to chat then but to meet and do the vacation thing then, so if his now avoidance of you was prior to the few months, he did not think that was wrong as that was what he felt you had said.

Or it could be also maybe he just moved on, after telling him you had cancer and turning down that vacation and free expenses offers. Maybe that was the last straw for him, in thinking you did not like him. So, whether he thought you were making another excuse not to see him, or he believed your sincerity and interest, if he could not see you then, he associated that maybe as not caring.

I just think maybe he could like doing things at his needed times, or he did not know what to make of that cancer. Maybe he associated that with death, regardless what you said, or he thought you were fibbing about that sickness. Regardless, I do think he cared, but he had needs too, and so perhaps he found another he felt could be there for him better when he needed such contact, or maybe he is looking elsewhere.

If he ever again is interested he will contact you. It is your choice though whether to delete him. Balance any care you have for him with the fact he may or may not have interest in you anymore. With those with ASD it cannot always be assumed their avoidance means lack of care, as they may need to take breaks or do things precisely at their timing or in their own ways.

It sounds like both of you though want to have a relationship when things are best for you. I do not think many relationships work out that way. Sorry.

 

[Streetwise]

He has autism(high function), I do not. He is 30 and we met 5 years ago through his brother. I stayed a while with them in their city. From the very first time he saw me he wouldnt take his eyes off me, he would blush and never talk to me. When we went to their place the day I got there, his brother joked about him and me making out and he (the guy i like) sat next to me and was about to kiss me. I had just broken up from a 4+ year old relationship the day before, so I wasnt interested in anything like that.

During my stay he would always be around me, he told him brother that he wanted to go out with me and we did. It was kind of weird because he wasnt talking at all, I kept trying to make conversation but nothing. It was nice though, he is a good guy and to be honest my mood wasnt that great so maybe it was better we didnt talk much. When we got home he slept in the same bed with me. He was so stressed about it, he slept on the other edge of the bed so he wouldnt even touch me by accident. Again, back then i thought nothing of it, i was just out of my relationship and I wasnt thinking clearly or interested in men.

Then I had to leave and go back home (5 hours away). After I left he added me on fb.. He started messaging me constantly, even though in person we never talked. We found out we both were personal trainers and liked sports and working out, he would ask for my help all the time on really weird things(like he would send me pics of him and ask me to fix the brightness lol), i think it was just an excuse to talk to me. I was still very hurt from my breakup so reading the messages we sent back then now, i realise i was so distant, totally indifferent. I could see he was interested though. When i wouldnt reply he would message again and again. Eventually i met someone else in my city, had a relationship and moved in. We were still talking 3 years later. He had asked to see me more times but i wasnt ever single.. And he made it clear he didnt want to see me as just a friend. When i broke up 1 year later again, i was just not in a good mood. I eventually stopped talking to him in 2015 and deleted him.

Suddenly on August 1st this year I got a call from him. I missed it and then he messaged me. He said he wanted me to go on vacations with him and not to worry about expenses etc. I told him I was sick atm, he asked what was wrong. I told him I have cancer but im getting better and I will be able to see him in a couple of months. He then stopped replying, which is unusual for him. Thats when i went back to our old messages and saw how cold, distant and almost rude I was. I was just now realising i missed a chance with a good guy. I said I was sorry for how I treated him in the past and told him I liked him.. He replied a few hours later and gave me his phone number, told me to call him. I told him id call him later in the day when i get home.

So I get home, i message him and ask him if I can call him now. He saw it and never replied. A couple of weeks later i message him again and ask him if he wants to talk, no reply. Thats when i started feeling like i was bothering him or something(i never make first moves or chase or whatever, but i understand how he is with girls and i tried to make it easier for him). I decided to stop bothering him but I just kept thinking ''hey this guy has had a crush on me for the past 5 years, he clearly hasnt even forgotten me, he messaged me 2 weeks ago even though i had cut contact. How is it possible he isnt interested all of a sudden?'' So, thinking like that, I sent him 1 final text and told him that ill be home at 21.00 and he can call or message me then. I also mentioned that i started working out again and that i may need his help(he used to love talking about that stuff). That was yesterday. He never called. And even though he is active online, he doesnt open my viber messages (he asked me to use viber instead of fb). It just says delivered and he never opens them(you can do this if you read them with wifi off, the other person doesnt know you read them).

So did he tell me he prefers to talk on viber so that he can blow off my messages more easily? What did I do wrong? I feel terrible and like I made a fool out of myself by chasing him as if im desperate. Im single at the moment and there are guys that are interested which i had put on hold because i wanted him. Does it sound like he just wanted some quick summer sex and since i wasnt available right away, he lost interest?(he really didnt strike me as that kind of guy tbh). Did he freak out because i told him i was sick or because i told him i liked him? Should I just delete him and move on?

Sorry about the wall of text and about my english, its not my native language. I hope I made sense x

Welcome

 

[lorelai]

Thanks for the reply, although i do not agree with the last part, i had just broken up the previous day from a 4yo relationship, of course i wasnt interested. Afterwards I was in a longterm relationship and i lived with my then bf. During that time he would just message about random things and tell me he is visiting during times i could not see him(he told me he would come to my city during christmas 2015 and he wanted to go out with me and then have sex). I do not cheat. I wasnt available. I dont know about him. I know he freaks out around girls and never talks, i dont even know if he has ever had sex fromt he way he acted when he was around me. You also have to consider the distance, its a 1 hour flight away or 5 hours with the speed train(sorry idk the correct english term). If he lived near me its possible we would have been together at some point.

But you are right, i will not message again. Although i want to see him in a couple of months and i dont know if he will message. He is very unpredictable when it comes to visiting me or telling me to visit him. I do think that telling him about the chemo was a mistake too. It seems he stopped replying after that. And thats just not him. He is VERY verbal in his texts, he can text me all day long and never ever ignored a text. I find it unlikely he just met someone so fast, considering how he is with women. But i cannot know since he isnt telling anything. I did my best to read up on autism and tried to make it easy for him, i made first moves, i asked questions, i told him i liked him. I was willing to wait and not get in another relationship since i thought he liked me. I guess its bad timing. I do feel bad for chasing him though, i wish i hadnt sent like 4 messages while he wasnt replying even

 

[Momo]

I would say it sounds like he's likely drifted away and probably doesn't think you're interested. He may come back, who knows? But I don't think you can count on it. I know that's got to be pretty hard, but he likely thought that the rejection of the vacation was the last straw, or as prior posts have said, he may have thought cancer meant death. I'm no expert, but I'd say there's a chance, but not much of a chance, he'll talk to you again. These things are really difficult, but I don't think you can blame yourself entirely either, sometimes life is just like that.

 

[lorelai]

I told him I liked him though.. I told him ill be good and healthy in 2 months or so(im kinda nauseous atm, there is no way i would travel or have sex or anything ), that im almost 100% done. Ugh im dumb for even saying anything about it to him

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Thanks for the reply, although i do not agree with the last part, i had just broken up the previous day from a 4yo relationship, of course i wasnt interested. Afterwards I was in a longterm relationship and i lived with my then bf. During that time he would just message about random things and tell me he is visiting during times i could not see him(he told me he would come to my city during christmas 2015 and he wanted to go out with me and then have sex). I do not cheat. I wasnt available. I dont know about him. I know he freaks out around girls and never talks, i dont even know if he has ever had sex fromt he way he acted when he was around me. You also have to consider the distance, its a 1 hour flight away or 5 hours with the speed train(sorry idk the correct english term). If he lived near me its possible we would have been together at some point.

But you are right, i will not message again. Although i want to see him in a couple of months and i dont know if he will message. He is very unpredictable when it comes to visiting me or telling me to visit him. I do think that telling him about the chemo was a mistake too. It seems he stopped replying after that. And thats just not him. He is VERY verbal in his texts, he can text me all day long and never ever ignored a text. I find it unlikely he just met someone so fast, considering how he is with women. But i cannot know since he isnt telling anything. I did my best to read up on autism and tried to make it easy for him, i made first moves, i asked questions, i told him i liked him. I was willing to wait and not get in another relationship since i thought he liked me. I guess its bad timing. I do feel bad for chasing him though, i wish i hadnt sent like 4 messages while he wasnt replying even

Ok, but you had said you eventually met someone else after your breakup with another, so just prior to dating that other you were free to date that Aspie who was showing interest then. That is what I meant when I said you perhaps wanted to have a relationship with him when things were best for you. You wanted to date someone else first. That is your right of course, and you mentioned the distance was an issue, but then his right as well to do things best for him. It is good you are interested now, but he has other things he is interested in now or not ready now. You are both free to look elsewhere, as there is no commitment as of yet. I am wishing you both the best whatever both your desires are. I just do not sense this will go ever lead to any long term thing, if either ever desires that.

 

[lorelai]

Ok, but you had said you eventually met someone else after your breakup with another, so just prior to dating that other you were free to date that Aspie who was showing interest then. That is what I meant when I said you perhaps wanted to have a relationship with him when things were best for you. You wanted to date someone else first. That is your right of course, and you mentioned the travel distance was an issue, but then his right as well to do things best for him. It is good you are interested now, but he has other things he is interested in now or not ready now. You are both free to look elsewhere, as there is no commitment as of yet. I am wishing you both the best whatever both your desires are. I just do not sense this will go ever lead to any long term thing, if either ever desires that.

Not really, I met the other guy pretty fast (i get approached by guys all the time and i was younger and dumb) and the guy i like (the one with autism) wasnt messaging constantly or he was messaging me and asking me random questions all the time about exercising and asking me to fix the brightness in his pics.. I only had 1 bf so far and he wasnt even flirting like other guys,it was awkward. Plus there is the distance issue, the fact he wasnt showing the signs neurotypical guys do and mostly the fact i didnt know anything about autism. It was out of sight out of mind kind of thing. Maybe i should have made the first move when he was texting me random stuff(id reply but it would never end,he would just message me about pics and batman, its just something i never did and i didnt have a huge experience with men. Looking back now and being a little more grown up i would make the first move. But i guess its too late.

About the long term, i have no clue what he wants to be honest. He has shown he was infatuated with me but he has also asked me to have sex. In any case, if he was willing to reply id give it a chance now

 

[Keigan]

each individual has their own preferred way of communicating. Some times that is through text, though sometimes that is through physical presence such as be9ng in the same room and possibly able to touch. You will have to find this persons best method of communicating, as chances are he would like to communicate but can't. That is a real factor for us, there are times when we absolutely want to communicate but we simply get blocked and we can't.

You need to find that communication path and then nurture it so that the art of communicating can become more fluid and fluent for him.

 

[lorelai]

each individual has their own preferred way of communicating. Some times that is through text, though sometimes that is through physical presence such as be9ng in the same room and possibly able to touch. You will have to find this persons best method of communicating, as chances are he would like to communicate but can't. That is a real factor for us, there are times when we absolutely want to communicate but we simply get blocked and we can't.

You need to find that communication path and then nurture it so that the art of communicating can become more fluid and fluent for him.

The only way he has talked to me is through texts. He has never ever called, he hates phone calls, but he called me once this august. I missed the call.. In person he just doesnt talk or he will just say hi at max. In texts he is incredibly talkative, its like he is a different person. Its a bit weird to me, even on his fb he has commented on some pics saying how he used to model and how hot he is and that he is ''one tough mothaf*cker" (im not joking, he posted it a few days ago along with a selfie). He seems so confident and extrovert. When im there in person, he shuts down. I dont know if he is different with other people. All he does is look at me

 

[Keigan]

The only way he has talked to me is through texts. He has never ever called, he hates phone calls, but he called me once this august. I missed the call.. In person he just doesnt talk or he will just say hi at max. In texts he is incredibly talkative, its like he is a different person. Its a bit weird to me, even on his fb he has commented on some pics saying how he used to model and how hot he is and that he is ''one tough mothaf*cker" (im not joking, he posted it a few days ago along with a selfie). He seems so confident and extrovert. When im there in person, he shuts down. I dont know if he is different with other people. All he does is look at me

So he does not speak much, he communicates through text - you need to be able to accept him for that as this trait might never change. That is part of the aspie brain, the world around us truly has to relate to us on a channel that we can deal with, as we might not be able to communicate very well using other methods. Kind of sounds like he might not be ready for you at the this time.

 

[lorelai]

So he does not speak much, he communicates through text - you need to be able to accept him for that as this trait might never change. That is part of the aspie brain, the world around us truly has to relate to us on a channel that we can deal with, as we might not be able to communicate very well using other methods. Kind of sounds like he might not be ready for you at the this time.

I do understand he prefers text and i dont mind. He was the one who contacted me first almost a month ago asking to see me. And then he stopped replying to my texts, which he had never done before. So we cannot talk at all. I will just stop bothering and will not text him again, i already embarassed myself chasing him when he is obviously not interested..

 

[Keigan]

Or he lost his phone.

 

[Judge]

The only way he has talked to me is through texts. He has never ever called, he hates phone calls, but he called me once this august. I missed the call.. In person he just doesnt talk or he will just say hi at max. In texts he is incredibly talkative, its like he is a different person. Its a bit weird to me, even on his fb he has commented on some pics saying how he used to model and how hot he is and that he is ''one tough mothaf*cker" (im not joking, he posted it a few days ago along with a selfie). He seems so confident and extrovert. When im there in person, he shuts down. I dont know if he is different with other people. All he does is look at me

For you this is "a bit weird". However for many of us, it's simply who and what we are. Relationships between autistic and non-autistic people are just not for everyone.

When it comes to communicating and interacting with other members of our species, talking face-to-face can be quite challenging for us. Something most Neurotypicals are more likely to take for granted. For such a relationship to work, you most likely would have to give more in ways in which you may not be prepared for.

So it's ok if either one of you concludes they are not up to such a commitment. Perfectly understandable. We can be attracted to someone yet not be able to coexist with them in the long run. Maybe he figured this out.

 

[lorelai]

Or he lost his phone.

He hasnt lost his phone, he just has turned viber privacy on, you cant see when he reads your messages. He is active on social media :/

 

[lorelai]

For you this is "a bit weird". However for many of us, it's simply who and what we are. Relationships between autistic and non-autistic people are just not for everyone.

When it comes to communicating and interacting with other members of our species, talking face-to-face can be quite challenging for us. Something most Neurotypicals are more likely to take for granted. For such a relationship to work, you most likely would have to give more in ways in which you may not be prepared for.

So it's ok if either one of you concludes they are not up to such a commitment. Perfectly understandable. We can be attracted to someone yet not be able to coexist with them in the long run. Maybe he figured this out.

Im willing to try but i dont think there is even a question of us getting together anymore or even speaking again, this isnt like him to ignore me. I did try, i made moves and was forward about the fact I liked him. I think he just isnt interested anymore, i dont think there is anything else i can do..

 

[Judge]

Im willing to try but i dont think there is even a question of us getting together anymore or even speaking again, this isnt like him to ignore me. I did try, i made moves and was forward about the fact I liked him. I think he just isnt interested anymore, i dont think there is anything else i can do..

Doesn't seem surprising to me at all. Such things may ultimately reflect a "window of opportunity" that simply expired in his mind for one reason or many.

 

[lorelai]

Doesn't seem surprising to me at all. Such things may ultimately reflect a "window of opportunity" that simply expired in his mind for one reason or many.

Thanks for everyone's help, I will just not bother him again x

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

The only way he has talked to me is through texts. He has never ever called, he hates phone calls, but he called me once this august. I missed the call.. In person he just doesnt talk or he will just say hi at max. In texts he is incredibly talkative, its like he is a different person. Its a bit weird to me, even on his fb he has commented on some pics saying how he used to model and how hot he is and that he is ''one tough mothaf*cker" (im not joking, he posted it a few days ago along with a selfie). He seems so confident and extrovert. When im there in person, he shuts down. I dont know if he is different with other people. All he does is look at me

I do not think what you stated is too atypical, for one with Aspergers or an Autism Spectrum condition, or even for those like me with a social anxiety condition instead, as I come across very differently through writing than verbally in public. I have always felt the most expressive and comfortable writing, as this is how I trained myself to communicate since early on, and as my mind thinks quickly without others looking at me, and thus with less fear of criticism or rejection. So, I am good with communicating by phones, too, as I am less self conscious speaking this way.

And so usually through writing and phone talk, I come across as balanced, detailed, organized, perceptive, relevant, and at times confident, but not arrogant. However, when I meet persons I do not know well or trust, or if it is in a public environment I am focused more on other things, like how they are perceiving me, or other things in the environment, like loudness, strangers near, store displays, etc.. The last thing on my mind is talking a lot, or seeming confident or detailed to anyone. If I have to get my point out, I will speak in a sentence or two, at most, as I am more private in that regard of expressing a lot in public, and feel more vulnerable.

Now, with regards to my wife, and how I communicate with her. I talk a lot to her, and am informal. I actually express my internal feelings just as much as her, if not more, in terms of what bothers me, or what I need in the relationship. I show my love mostly through actions though, and efforts. I though can give in ways, even at times when I rather not do that something, as I have stress tolerance and great empathy. I believe often two givers is what makes most relationships work, but the giving can be done in different but compatible ways. Prior to marriage to my wife, I was very hesitant to open to her more than a sentence at a time, as I did not know what I wanted then, and as trust was not there with her yet.

With regards to your situation, I can thus relate at least a little to why he acts differently by phone, and in person, versus how he acts writing. Although his reasons may differ somewhat from mine, if he has a different condition, regardless, I realize it is not the ideal situation for NTs of course, who may often act the same or themselves in each environment, so they may expect the same for their friends or partners. It can be hard to understand our very outwardly looking different personalities, during the different communication ways.

 

[lorelai]

I do not think what you stated is too atypical, for one with Aspergers or an Autism Spectrum condition, or even for those like me with a social anxiety condition instead, as I come across very differently through writing than verbally in public. I have always felt the most expressive and comfortable writing, as this is how I trained myself to communicate since early on, and as my mind thinks quickly without others looking at me, and thus with less fear of criticism or rejection. So, I am good with communicating by phones, too, as I am less self conscious speaking this way.

And so usually through writing and phone talk, I come across as balanced, detailed, organized, perceptive, relevant, and at times confident, but not arrogant. However, when I meet persons I do not know well or trust, or if it is in a public environment I am focused more on other things, like how they are perceiving me, or other things in the environment, like loudness, strangers near, store displays, etc.. The last thing on my mind is talking a lot, or seeming confident or detailed to anyone. If I have to get my point out, I will speak in a sentence or two, at most, as I am more private in that regard of expressing a lot in public, and feel more vulnerable.

Now, with regards to my wife, and how I communicate with her. I talk a lot to her, and am informal. I actually express my internal feelings just as much as her, if not more, in terms of what bothers me, or what I need in the relationship. I show my love mostly through actions though, and efforts. I though can give in ways, even at times when I rather not do that something, as I have stress tolerance and great empathy. I believe often two givers is what makes most relationships work, but the giving can be done in different but compatible ways. Prior to marriage to my wife, I was very hesitant to open to her more than a sentence at a time, as I did not know what I wanted then, and as trust was not there with her yet.

With regards to your situation, I can thus relate at least a little to why he acts differently by phone, and in person, versus how he acts writing. Although his reasons may differ somewhat from mine, if he has a different condition, regardless, I realize it is not the ideal situation for NTs of course, who may often act the same or themselves in each environment, so they may expect the same for their friends or partners. It can be hard to understand our very outwardly looking different personalities, during the different communication ways.

Yes, I understand that. Him being more vocal in texts never bothered me to be honest. It all made sense when I started reading about autism. I was willing to try but maybe telling him im sick was a stupid idea. Or something else put him off.We will never know, it just kind of upsets me seeing him on my fb being active while ignoring me and my texts after I told him I liked him