Inside out or outside in

[Ginseng]

The brief times after church is not enough time to get to know anyone. Friendships require communication way beyond the weather and how the sermon was. I know these things are difficult for you but would you feel comfortable inviting some woman over for a meal and to get to know each other better? Do you see anyone there who looks like they are alone and could use a friend? Or some leader type who could mentor you? And can I ask what type of conversation you tried to have with them that they weren't interested in?

 

[Pats]

The brief times after church is not enough time to get to know anyone. Friendships require communication way beyond the weather and how the sermon was. I know these things are difficult for you but would you feel comfortable inviting some woman over for a meal and to get to know each other better? Do you see anyone there who looks like they are alone and could use a friend? Or some leader type who could mentor you? And can I ask what type of conversation you tried to have with them that they weren't interested in?

Actually I've met a couple for lunch and it was just too hard and awkward. I don't have the energy for that anymore. They are nice people, don't get me wrong and I do feel a connection - just don't know them. This one lady really tries hard. She invited me over to her house for dinner along with another new person and her grown kids. I know she was making an effort, but it's like ok, she got the food out, now the rest is up to everyone else and then once her kids got to talking amongst themselves, there me and the other lady were. It's just way too awkward and too hard for me to do more than freeze. As far as my questions - I asked this same lady one day if she ever has a problem with someone arguing about her beliefs. She looked at me funny, quickly said no and turned around where her back was to me. I like this lady, she's just difficult to talk to. Another lady talks to me but I have tinnitus and she's so quiet I've yet to hear a word she's saying. I do know it's going to take more effort from me but I just don't have it in me anymore. But I decided I'd just do what I feel I'm able to do - took soup to one of the ladies after her surgery, crocheted a bag for another lady that was going to be going back and forth for medical treatments, send notes. Things that will let them know I do care. I guess I just don't like the small talk and that's all I'm going to get unless I force myself to do things I struggle with.
Ah, wait a minute. I think I know what it may be. The lady I took soup to I asked her something about church and she responded along the lines of glad she's a woman and didn't have to deal with whatever it was. And this lady that tries, for a long time she would tell me over and over that this church is very conservative. I have asked a couple of the men a question and they will answer and discuss. Maybe the women think they're supposed to keep quiet in church, about church and anything related to church. But I've been to churches a lot more conservative than this one and have never run into to this before - maybe that's it. They'll stick to discussing gardening and baking. Thanks for pulling that out of me.

 

[Ginseng]

The lady I took soup to I asked her something about church and she responded along the lines of glad she's a woman and didn't have to deal with whatever it was.

Oh my! I have heard of women having this attitude but I have never personally met anyone like that. What are they going to do when they stand before God? That is mind boggling.

 

[Autistamatic]

Interesting thread this.
I definitely live in my head whilst interacting with my environment. My very diagnosis was indirectly a result of that. I went to a selective secondary school (highschool), a "grammar school" based on my academic prowess at the time.
To my logical Aspie mind, I was in a school for clever boys so I assumed they wanted me to be clever. I read the textbooks in the first week or two of the school year, read more about the things that interested me. Come lesson time the teacher would ask a question.
"Who can tell me about XYZ?"
I'd be the first to put my hand up and explain XYZ in about two minutes while they tried to shut me up. I was summarising in two minutes the same topic they'd planned a forty minutes lesson on. They almost universally hated me for it and I got into trouble, lots of it. I thought that since I'd passed exams with flying colours in order to be inducted into a school for clever kids, I was giving them what they wanted.
Far from it. They didn't want kids with brains, they wanted obedient robots who proceeded at a given, plodding pace.
I was sent to the Educational Psychologist and was eventually diagnosed with AS which no educators had ever heard of at the time.
Think of it from my point of view - what my head told me - the logical conclusion - was completely at odds with the reality of the environment I was in. They didn't want brains, imagination or critical thinking. They wanted obedience and predictable results. They wanted to take credit for my successes and couldn't accept I could do it without them.
It's not about IQ. Those of us with "average" IQs often display an intelligence and a facility for introspection and detail recognition that exceeds our peers.
Our society doesn't recognise that at this time though. Either conform or be excluded is the mantra of the moment.

 

[Bedlamite]

On the outside I'm as calm as a cucumber while my insides are a 100 mph train wreck.

I'm not quite sure how to respond because, having been a recluse all my life and I almost never engage in small talk, existing in two worlds, private & public - to me - is a matter of pure survival. Plus,

There's a lot of very intelligent people out there...

I don't consider myself very intelligent.

I can relate to what you said about your cucumber synopsis and I would like to expound upon my own "train wreck" revelation. I've been seeing a naturalist/homeopathic doctor since my stroke last year, in order to reduce my hypertension without the use of pharmaceutical toxins. Her game plan was to systematically attack parts of my anatomy that regulate blood pressure. Early on she was informed that I was on the spectrum so while at one session while discussing my level of daily anxiety, especially when out and about in public, she confided to me that she always had the impression that I "had it all together" and was quite calm inside. But this has always been my "illusionary gift" to the NT World. On the outside I'm calm but on the inside my mind is continueally scanning for potential threats and constantly screaming for seclusion.

I also wonder if the same explains why everything I do IRL feels the same (feels wrong).

Maybe, to provide explanation to your wonderment, everything IRL feeling "wrong" could possibly be an inward unconscious phobia reveling a desperate attempt to "properly" mask or "fit in". Just a thought - maybe a more intelligent crowd can chime in with other viewpoints.

 

[Pats]

I literally had to laugh out loud - guess the saying is 'cool as a cucmber'. Calm as a cucumber doesn't make sense does it? lol
@Bedlamite - I've always been told the same thing - everyone thinks I'm so laid back and got it together. And I'm the only one who knows better and it's hard convincing anyone otherwise.
I think you're exactly correct in the feeling wrong. After all, if it's not matching up with my insides, it's not fitting who I am. I guess, in a way, it feels like I'm lying with the masking and maybe that's one of the reasons it feels wrong.
Scenario here, if you will:
outside: handing patient their medications and asking how they are feeling with smile on my face.
inside: "I don't want to be here, just get this over with and hope I don't get caught"
Hmmmm
I'm going to work on this. Not really sure how to go about it, but I'm going to try. Any tips?

 

[Bedlamite]

I'm going to work on this. Not really sure how to go about it, but I'm going to try. Any tips?

This is not really a tip on how to accomplish your desired goal but a self-incrimination of my own attitude. Now that I'm retired I don't have to deal with the NT world as much as I did when I was employed. Having said that, when I am out in public which is primarily NT dominated I really could care less about any of these people. Reason being hypothetically speaking, when I pass through a check out line and the clerk's ONLY spoken words are, "Have a nice day" I simply realize that these people are actually frauds and they are "masking" their friendliness. They don't want to be there as well as I - but for different reasons. Chances are I won't have to ever confront this person again soooo... I could care less about the outward impression that I may be portraying to this person. Neither do I feel guilty about my demeanor. But that's just me. I am somewhat bitter at the whole NT world for the way I've been treated all my life. But I must confess that not all NT's are this way but for the most part, this hypothetical example is a common occurrence. I try to model my demeanor after the individual that I am dealing with and mask my behavior to match. When some of these NT's "pick up" on my social tactics, most are stunned. But what I have done is turned what guilt most people believe I should experience back upon them as their own reflection. I am not really sure any of this makes any since but - well that's me.

 

[Fino]

This is not really a tip on how to accomplish your desired goal but a self-incrimination of my own attitude. Now that I'm retired I don't have to deal with the NT world as much as I did when I was employed. Having said that, when I am out in public which is primarily NT dominated I really could care less about any of these people. Reason being hypothetically speaking, when I pass through a check out line and the clerk's ONLY spoken words are, "Have a nice day" I simply realize that these people are actually frauds and they are "masking" their friendliness. They don't want to be there as well as I - but for different reasons. Chances are I won't have to ever confront this person again soooo... I could care less about the outward impression that I may be portraying to this person. Neither do I feel guilty about my demeanor. But that's just me. I am somewhat bitter at the whole NT world for the way I've been treated all my life. But I must confess that not all NT's are this way but for the most part, this hypothetical example is a common occurrence. I try to model my demeanor after the individual that I am dealing with and mask my behavior to match. When some of these NT's "pick up" on my social tactics, most are stunned. But what I have done is turned what guilt most people believe I should experience back upon them as their own reflection. I am not really sure any of this makes any since but - well that's me.

Except for close friends, I also copy the person I'm talking to! I wouldn't want challenge the world-view of someone to the point of violence, verbal or otherwise! And that point is generally not far away, in my experience.