In what areas does social anxiety/phobia, affect you?

[Tom]

No, because where I live, it is like a ghost town really and so, when I go out, I stand out! Just the other day, I took the courage to go up to our bins and for once and cruelly there were a heck of a lot more people around and this guy, who was just about to get into his car, who was parked so close to the bins, just stared at me, as I walked closer and the only thing that saved me, was wearing dark glasses. I was even too freaked to smile; I just did the best I could to ignore him. I felt however, that my whole being was under a microscope!!!!!

Ok, you live in a smallish town in France. I have done the same, but make it a German farming village. Everyone knows everyone and your still considered a stranger if you only lived in the town 40 years and are just from over the hill.

To me there is only one way out, and that is outward, not inward.

Make France and the French an interest. Learn what you can. Ask questions about the place and its people. The food, the customs. So you don't know French. Just use what little you know to begin with, even if its only the 'hello' part. That's the way to show respect. In other words embrace it. If you do that you may find people friendlier, more helpful and some doors will open. You might even make a few friends. Remember you are different and therefore interesting to them and they, or at least some would be interested in learning about you.

My wife did that in Germany and they wanted to adopt her and keep her forever. Me I was the 'Sudlander' with darkish looks. But they were friendly as you could ask for if you made the effort to show respect and interest in them.

 

[IAmParadiseSeekerJW]

I know we spoke earlier Suzanne briefly about this, but I will share with everyone else how I am..

I hate talking on the phone. Answering it. Making a phone call. A BIG N.O. I go into a panic and confuse my words...I remember once when I needed to ring up about a job, and I got put through to the answering machine. I got into a right mess. I ended up giving the wrong number, couldn't say 'alternatively'...It was a nightmare and my NT friend just laughed! I was red in the face and wanted to cry. I bet the guy who listened to the messages the next day got a right laugh. I even find ringing up friends a difficulty..Sometimes, I refuse to answer any calls that come through and I refuse to ring people too. I have actually been known to turn the phone off and pretend i'm 'not in' so I don't have to answer

I struggle with public transport too...I can just about catch the bus to get to the nearest city and even that makes me panic. You know, yesterday, I had an interview in the city so had to go and could just about cope with asking for a return ticket which I did. I managed there because I was messing about on my mobile, UNTIL a young guy sat next to me. He had tons of seats to choose from but made a B-line for me which made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I ended up fidgeting and staring out the window trying not to make eye contact the whole way there...Still, managed the journey to the city. Now for the journey back! I got to the bus station which was ok. I noticed a queue for the bus so chose to sit down instead because I feel uncomfortable in queues, and noticed that the bus didn't say it was going to my town, but that it was going to a town that one must travel through my town to get to. So I am thinking, "It's not going to [---------] so that means it is the wrong bus...I can't catch that one". So I sit there for a bit longer, and then the bus driver comes and steps on the bus. My first thought when I saw him was, "he's quite good looking". So, when I eventually realised that well, actually, the bus might stop off in my town instead of doing a trip that doesn't stop there, I decided I had to get up and ask...Now that took a lot of courage! I walked over and was trying to think what to say and eventually went over to the driver and mumbled, "do you stop in [---------]?" and he said "yes" probably wondering if i'm thick or something, and so I handed him my ticket aware that a queue had developed behind me, and I found the nearest seat that I could get to that was by the window. I found one half way up the bus and then it started getting crowded which made me panic a bit, and a big bloke who stunk sat right by my side...I felt claustrophobic :/ I managed though, and did get off the bus ok. Back to the general point though about struggling with public transport, I don't think I could actually catch a train or a tram unless someone actually went with me; even then I would panic. Sounds really stupid that an almost 20 year old female should need someone to help her use public transport. I used a tram with my friend in May 2013 and I fell over in front of everyone on it...So I don't want to go on them ever again.

I hate to buy things or go into places where there are many people...I like to be the only one in the shop, and if I don't like the person who is on the tills I will leave...I hate queues because I feel judged by the people in front or behind me for what I might be purchasing. I sometimes hate the staff too. I cannot cope with young people in shops, it really bothers me..and i'm young myself! I don't like going into shops i've never been into. One of the worst things for me in regards to shopping is actually asking someone for help or if they have something etc. Asking anything is so scary. I cannot stand it...I like to work things out by myself because I cannot cope with involving others.

Whenever I go out, especially when i'm alone, I feel like everyone is staring at me, and they don't stare at me with a good look either...it's more like daggers or looks of horror or disgust...I feel like i'm some horrible woman who people should avoid completely or something...It hurts...It's a nice feeling when a man notices me, but even that sends me walking awkwardly and almost tripping up, or I become very self conscious and pretty much run off...I feel the most comfortable just being indoors, in my own home, ALONE, and online...

 

[Suzanne]

Ok, you live in a smallish town in France. I have done the same, but make it a German farming village. Everyone knows everyone and your still considered a stranger if you only lived in the town 40 years and are just from over the hill.

To me there is only one way out, and that is outward, not inward.

Make France and the French an interest. Learn what you can. Ask questions about the place and its people. The food, the customs. So you don't know French. Just use what little you know to begin with, even if its only the 'hello' part. That's the way to show respect. In other words embrace it. If you do that you may find people friendlier, more helpful and some doors will open. You might even make a few friends. Remember you are different and therefore interesting to them and they, or at least some would be interested in learning about you.

My wife did that in Germany and they wanted to adopt her and keep her forever. Me I was the 'Sudlander' with darkish looks. But they were friendly as you could ask for if you made the effort to show respect and interest in them.

Sounds good in theory, Tom, but won't happen like that. What you have to remember is that even speaking to my own culture is hard work. I can speak French ie a lot more than salut or bon jour. I know much about their culture. I do not like being centre stage.

 

[Suzanne]

I know we spoke earlier Suzanne briefly about this, but I will share with everyone else how I am..

I hate talking on the phone. Answering it. Making a phone call. A BIG N.O. I go into a panic and confuse my words...I remember once when I needed to ring up about a job, and I got put through to the answering machine. I got into a right mess. I ended up giving the wrong number, couldn't say 'alternatively'...It was a nightmare and my NT friend just laughed! I was red in the face and wanted to cry. I bet the guy who listened to the messages the next day got a right laugh. I even find ringing up friends a difficulty..Sometimes, I refuse to answer any calls that come through and I refuse to ring people too. I have actually been known to turn the phone off and pretend i'm 'not in' so I don't have to answer

I struggle with public transport too...I can just about catch the bus to get to the nearest city and even that makes me panic. You know, yesterday, I had an interview in the city so had to go and could just about cope with asking for a return ticket which I did. I managed there because I was messing about on my mobile, UNTIL a young guy sat next to me. He had tons of seats to choose from but made a B-line for me which made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I ended up fidgeting and staring out the window trying not to make eye contact the whole way there...Still, managed the journey to the city. Now for the journey back! I got to the bus station which was ok. I noticed a queue for the bus so chose to sit down instead because I feel uncomfortable in queues, and noticed that the bus didn't say it was going to my town, but that it was going to a town that one must travel through my town to get to. So I am thinking, "It's not going to [---------] so that means it is the wrong bus...I can't catch that one". So I sit there for a bit longer, and then the bus driver comes and steps on the bus. My first thought when I saw him was, "he's quite good looking". So, when I eventually realised that well, actually, the bus might stop off in my town instead of doing a trip that doesn't stop there, I decided I had to get up and ask...Now that took a lot of courage! I walked over and was trying to think what to say and eventually went over to the driver and mumbled, "do you stop in [---------]?" and he said "yes" probably wondering if i'm thick or something, and so I handed him my ticket aware that a queue had developed behind me, and I found the nearest seat that I could get to that was by the window. I found one half way up the bus and then it started getting crowded which made me panic a bit, and a big bloke who stunk sat right by my side...I felt claustrophobic :/ I managed though, and did get off the bus ok. Back to the general point though about struggling with public transport, I don't think I could actually catch a train or a tram unless someone actually went with me; even then I would panic. Sounds really stupid that an almost 20 year old female should need someone to help her use public transport. I used a tram with my friend in May 2013 and I fell over in front of everyone on it...So I don't want to go on them ever again.

I hate to buy things or go into places where there are many people...I like to be the only one in the shop, and if I don't like the person who is on the tills I will leave...I hate queues because I feel judged by the people in front or behind me for what I might be purchasing. I sometimes hate the staff too. I cannot cope with young people in shops, it really bothers me..and i'm young myself! I don't like going into shops i've never been into. One of the worst things for me in regards to shopping is actually asking someone for help or if they have something etc. Asking anything is so scary. I cannot stand it...I like to work things out by myself because I cannot cope with involving others.

Whenever I go out, especially when i'm alone, I feel like everyone is staring at me, and they don't stare at me with a good look either...it's more like daggers or looks of horror or disgust...I feel like i'm some horrible woman who people should avoid completely or something...It hurts...It's a nice feeling when a man notices me, but even that sends me walking awkwardly and almost tripping up, or I become very self conscious and pretty much run off...I feel the most comfortable just being indoors, in my own home, ALONE, and online...

Dina, welcome to Suzanne ' s world lol you have just described me and I am 45!

 

[watersprite]

The anxiety and the social anxiety affect me greatly too Suzanne. I recently moved a thousand miles from where I used to live, in the same country though. It is so much more beautiful here, and yet I am not familiar with things yet. I can sometimes be in a slightly better frame of mind and I must make good use those of those times to go get groceries. In between though, I am just at my house. I am not married so there is no reason to go anywhere. I cannot stand crowds, at all. Telephones are a necessary evil.
When I have to I can talk with people for brief periods of time. (And I have a fake mask that works for this for about 10 minutes IF I am not around noisy, crowded environments) My enjoyment of walking is carried out when others are least likely to be 'out and about'. I daydream about: having 100 acres of wild and quiet hills all to myself to wander about, and to construct a running trail, just for me. That would be lovely and peaceful and I could have my head up and breathe without the stress and shame that I have walking around town.
It's interesting you made this thread because I was intensely pondering this just before coming to AC.

 

[Tom]

I know it isn't easy. But in some cases all you have to do is turn the subject to them. Most people love talking about themselves. And as a foreigner you can adopt a mask of sorts. I used, and ask pardon for using the term, the Dum American Mask, and also the polite interested-in-them or interested in their culture mask. I guess I am suggesting overall a more strategic approach. It doesn't have to be mine. We are all quite different and it was just what worked for me.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

Ah yes, but you go mountain climbing etc on your own, which to me, is whoa scary stuff

Hah, my mum told me a similar thing once.
Like, "son, you find it so difficult to talk to others, yet you rode a quad bike for the first time without much fear."

 

[Warmheart]

Much of the time when I go out on errands, I am in my shell, of sorts. People become blurry columns which I must simply avoid and not collide with. I view them only from the shoulders on down. There are too many eyes seeking mine, and eye contact can be overwhelming. The intrusive, confuzzling Siths of Smalltalk await on the crowded bus ( Gaack, trapped!), and the Sorority of the Gabba Gabba Gabba await in the checkout line. The telephone's strident burr means my energy will be drained now.... or later when I return the call.

I don't mean to be in my shell, but I so often am when out and about.

 

[Naturalist]

In addition to what others have said, lately I have been feeling a lot of social anxiety at work. At present I have too many obligations to others I work with, and am not meeting all those obligations. I want to stay in my quiet office in the top floor of the library and work on things so I can get caught up. But instead I have to be rushing around the lab, working on various "team research". Some days I feel like bashing my head against the wall...before I have even left for work. Mostly like my job but wish I could do it in an isolation chamber.

 

[Chris34]

There's something that I considered my weakness. That's spontaneous chat and conversation. I do talk to people sometimes, and only when they talk to me because otherwise I'm just useless. It's really hard for me to engage in a small conversation. For that, I spend most of the time reading a book. Sometimes I ask myself if I should "break the ice" with the person sitting next to me, but it never happens.

 

[Chris34]

I used to be terrified of going to bars and concerts alone, but now...I actually like it. I'm pretty good at not drawing attention to myself and I've stopped worrying that those around me are somehow judging me (they probably aren't). I can have a good time without caring about social interaction.

I don't know how that happened, alas, so I've no good tips for you, other than to say it's possible, maybe, for some, to overcome such anxiety.

Going out alone also effects me. I'm just a person don't connect well with society.

For me, going out alone it's..... relaxing. However, once I know that I have to go to a place where someone I know might be there is just unsettling and I get really anxious. It also happens when I'm invited to go to some place. I start to ask myself many questions about how, when, what. It's really frustrating.

 

[Sully]

What a lot of people have been describing in this thread is the spotlight effect. It is one of the cognitive biases that we all have. We have a tendency to think that people notice us or things about us far more than they actually do. This arises from our egocentrism. We know a lot about ourselves and assume others do too. Maybe because aspies are more reflexive thinkers (hence the term autism), the spotlight effect is stronger than in NTs.

Spotlight effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[DogwoodTree]

What a lot of people have been describing in this thread is the spotlight effect. It is one of the cognitive biases that we all have. We have a tendency to think that people notice us or things about us far more than they actually do. This arises from our egocentrism. We know a lot about ourselves and assume others do too. Maybe because aspies are more reflexive thinkers (hence the term autism), the spotlight effect is stronger than in NTs.

Spotlight effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I don't know...for me, at least, it has more to do with feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Even if I have the freedom to get up and leave from a situation where I feel uncomfortable, I know I usually won't give myself permission to do that, for various reasons. I make myself stick it out, feeling trapped and overwhelmed and alone through it all. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Accept that the fears and sensations are there, but still do the right thing, no matter how it feels. It just sucks to feel that way all. the. time. "Fake it til you make it" only works if eventually the "making it" part comes along. But for me it doesn't, or perhaps only briefly. Sometimes it's so hard to see the point of any of it.

 

[Chris34]

I don't know...for me, at least, it has more to do with feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Even if I have the freedom to get up and leave from a situation where I feel uncomfortable, I know I usually won't give myself permission to do that, for various reasons. I make myself stick it out, feeling trapped and overwhelmed and alone through it all. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Accept that the fears and sensations are there, but still do the right thing, no matter how it feels. It just sucks to feel that way all. the. time. "Fake it til you make it" only works if eventually the "making it" part comes along. But for me it doesn't, or perhaps only briefly. Sometimes it's so hard to see the point of any of it.

I agree with you.
What I try to do (but fail most of the times) is to see my anxiety and frustration as an spectator, like it's not happening to me. The isolation of negative feelings can help a lot! It's really hard and it takes time to master it, but I think it can be useful.
Sometimes when I go out with other people I rehearse what I'm going to do, like what to do in case of.... , still I can't help but feeling nervous and anxious about it.
"Fake it till you make it", I've never heard that before! It's pretty clever I must say. The "make it" part can be quite difficult and maybe its where the whole problem lies

 

[Sully]

I don't know...for me, at least, it has more to do with feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Even if I have the freedom to get up and leave from a situation where I feel uncomfortable, I know I usually won't give myself permission to do that, for various reasons. I make myself stick it out, feeling trapped and overwhelmed and alone through it all. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Accept that the fears and sensations are there, but still do the right thing, no matter how it feels. It just sucks to feel that way all. the. time. "Fake it til you make it" only works if eventually the "making it" part comes along. But for me it doesn't, or perhaps only briefly. Sometimes it's so hard to see the point of any of it.

I didn't mean to suggest that the spotlight effect is the cause of social anxiety. I was just referring to the feeling some people expressed that when they go out they feel as though other people are looking at them, analyzing them, or judging them. Suzanne, Spiller, and IAmParadiseSeekerJW said they had those feelings. But like Tom, said in reality people don't notice half as much about us as we think they do. This is just one small part of the whole picture. Here is an article that might be helpful for some: Overcoming the "spotlight effect"

 

[watersprite]

Oh I like what you said, Warmheart, about how, "...people become blurry columns..." That is what I experience too. It works to keep grocery shopping stress down. Except when it comes time to get in the check-out line; I feel I have to interact and have my hopefully functional scripts ready to implement.

 

[Sully]

I always use self checkout. It's easier to interact with machines.

 

[Naturalist]

I don't know...for me, at least, it has more to do with feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Even if I have the freedom to get up and leave from a situation where I feel uncomfortable, I know I usually won't give myself permission to do that, for various reasons. I make myself stick it out, feeling trapped and overwhelmed and alone through it all. That's what you're supposed to do, right? Accept that the fears and sensations are there, but still do the right thing, no matter how it feels...

I find myself doing this a lot. I think that I tend to discount my own needs, because I am so worried that if I attend to them, I will have slighted someone else's needs, and that isn't what I intend. So I try to suffer through it. Also, on a practical level, I don't know HOW to extract myself from a situation so frequently when I reach my limit, it's either "flight" or "freeze" (somehow "fight" never comes into play...)

 

[Naturalist]

I always use self checkout. It's easier to interact with machines.

Except when the machine decides it can't deal with you, and says "Please wait. An attendant has been notified to assist you"

Also, the introductory scenes of "The Blind Banker" (second episode of "Sherlock") come to mind, wherein John is yelling at the checkout machine because it has declined his bankcard... <---(Does anyone know why this one is green? Is it envious as in the saying or just laughing? I have been using it to mean "laughing")

 

[Coupe]

I do experience social anxiety-usually in crowds, or in social situations where it is nigh impossible for me to avoid having to talk to somebody at some point. It mostly happens when I attend church with my family. I usually end up packing all my comfort items into my bag before we leave. I have a small plush of Dory (from Finding Nemo/Dory) in my pocket at all times. When someone approaches me, unsolicited, and starts talking to me, and I feel myself starting to dissociate (something I've done since I was a kid, and would always just get yelled at for "not paying attention" or "not listening,") I reach into my pocket and squeeze Dory, and that brings me back.