I'm terrible at this.

[NicolePfisher]

It's just... and I'm not saying every female is like this. It just feels like they expect so much from me... I mean.. I have no car, even if I did, no insurance to drive legally. For whatever reason, that's a huge confidence killer for me.

No one expects me to have autism and don't understand the issues that I actually do have, and face. It's not like I'm gonna walk up and tell every person that I'm autistic.. I just feel that every female I talk with expects me to be "normal" to some degree. Yeah, they might like me at first.. but once they realize my struggles it all just.. Idk..

I'd say that it's just all in your head, but that would be unfair... It's every movie, every tv show that you've ever watched that drilled these very specific scripts in your head about life. Women feel it too. I feel embarrassed that I'm as old as I am and haven't completed my degree. And I'm not even that much older than most people who graduate after 4 years!

I know that feeling of "no one expecting you to have autism". I think my propensity to maintain a certain appearance everyday has hurt me in that regard. Plus, I hide it. But really I think that there is just this vague but paradoxically ubiquitous notion of what a person with autism looks like. I remember explaining to a woman that I was on the spectrum and her reply was, "Oh, Nicole, you don't have autism. I have someone with asperger's at my firm and he is always..." she trailed off there. I don't know why. I would have corrected her but I felt that hurt that I normally do after sharing with people.

Don't know if this is part of it for you or anybody else here, but I think for me what causes me to feel so hurt after telling someone that I'm on the spectrum that I do so because I feel like I can trust them. I'm confiding in them, whether they know it or not. And for it to be disregarded or met with skepticism, like with that women, is hurtful. And for someone to lose interest in me right after I share my condition with him... I guess there's disappointment and hurt there as well. It makes you feel like you have a disease or something. Yeah, I expect you have this weight lifted off my shoulders but all he does is remind me that there really is no place for me anywhere.

 

[Bella Pines]

Haha agree with @Jane Smith, step 1 is to stop calling us "females", like we're some species you would find in the zoo! The lesser spotted human female hunts during late evening and is naturally carnivorous...

An aspie trait is to take in large quantities of data, form patterns and generalize. This can lead to sweeping conclusions such as 'females like men with cars'. But unless we are exposed to an multiple continents of sufficiently diverse females, this logic is inherently flawed.

Instead, try to disengage the pattern forming part of our brain and look at each individual case. Your individual cases, unfortunately, are likely to be NT since they are in the statistical majority, so treat them as you would any other NT. For example, find something about them that interests you. This may be futile since NTs rarely interest me, male or female. So then find something about them that complements your skillset. Find someone who is down to earth, or emotional to offset our steadiness. Try going through the motions that you must have learnt to make male friends. Being polite, being interested in them, working to a state where you are comfortable around each other. Try to see them as humans instead of "females".

 

[Bronwyn]

Tinder.
(this is how I met my current bf and my first )
On your profile make it known your looking for a relationship thing. I put 'My mates got into a relationship so I need a double date partner' Its bull but it filters out the baddies . Like you'd be surprised how many guys and gals and non binary's on there actually wanna date.
Be clear of your intentions, (I told him I catch feelings easily, I haven't told him about my AS as he's new on the scene) Arrange a date and see if you like them.
I suggest being completely open, honesty doesn't hurt. Just remember you are allowed to not like someone and so are they. Rejection was my biggest fear but you know what, i'm not everyones cup of tea and thats totally okay. Nobody is gonna be a knob to you if you're chill.

Early days but my bf is holding up to be the guy I think he is and I have a lot of love for it.

The biggest thing I had to realise was that I was jumping into relationships to not feel alone. Its all cool when you get into a relationship but carrying it is even harder. You need to know yourself and understand the things you like and what you want before looking.

Hope this helps!

 

[Bronwyn]

oh and btw us girls aren't the exact same. I hate this. We aren't secretly communicating together having the exact same thoughts and feelings. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. We like different things like guys do. Looking at this thread it seems like some of you have never talked to more than 1 woman. You know whats really hot, guys who take time to get to know us.

 

[Autistamatic]

My NT wife read this thread earlier and commented that many of the problems expressed by Aspies having trouble meeting or talking to the opposite sex are problems experienced by most NT people too, and she's right. Granted ASD may make it harder for us in general, but the challenges are the same. Someone who is NT but also chronically shy or depressed may have just as many difficulties.
We are all just people, man, woman, gay or hetero, ASD or NT - we're not separate species. We all like to be treated with respect and as individuals. Sex is not something to seek in it's own right unless you specifically wish to avoid attachment in which case there are ways and means. If you DO want to form a bond with someone, sex will come when it feels right for both of you and it will be enhanced because of the bond you share.

 

[Tomos]

I have never been in a relationship, but ideally i want to be in one with someone who also has aspergers.

 

[paloftoon]

Since you're not a fan of starting online, look for groups of your interest in join off of meetup.com. You can meet people that way possibly, and match up on interests first and talk about such a more neutral topic. Then, as you get to know the person, you can let her know of your interest. If she's not interested, you should still try to stay or build friendship because otherwise people will wonder if you're really in the interest group for the right reasons.

 

[NicolePfisher]

Haha agree with @Jane Smith, step 1 is to stop calling us "females", like we're some species you would find in the zoo! The lesser spotted human female hunts during late evening and is naturally carnivorous...

An aspie trait is to take in large quantities of data, form patterns and generalize. This can lead to sweeping conclusions such as 'females like men with cars'. But unless we are exposed to an multiple continents of sufficiently diverse females, this logic is inherently flawed.

Instead, try to disengage the pattern forming part of our brain and look at each individual case. Your individual cases, unfortunately, are likely to be NT since they are in the statistical majority, so treat them as you would any other NT. For example, find something about them that interests you. This may be futile since NTs rarely interest me, male or female. So then find something about them that complements your skillset. Find someone who is down to earth, or emotional to offset our steadiness. Try going through the motions that you must have learnt to make male friends. Being polite, being interested in them, working to a state where you are comfortable around each other. Try to see them as humans instead of "females".

Aw, I think the "females" moniker was just a nervous habit. Talking about girls... It's kind of awkward. Talking to them is intimidating. I think he just used the word as a way of sort of distancing himself from the intimacy of the discussion. I know I start talking unnecessarily formal or objective when I am uncomfortable or feeling stressed. I don't really think referring to girls as females reflects his overall mindset of them... That said I agree with your opinion that just putting yourself out there and getting more comfortable in the dating sphere is the way to go. After enough times, it won't be so scary. Anxiety will stop affecting your behavior. And you won't even remember what was so hard about interacting with the sex of your attraction in the first place.

 

[NicolePfisher]

oh and btw us girls aren't the exact same. I hate this. We aren't secretly communicating together having the exact same thoughts and feelings. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. We like different things like guys do. Looking at this thread it seems like some of you have never talked to more than 1 woman. You know whats really hot, guys who take time to get to know us.

I don't think he meant to insinuate that. In one reply, OP says that he "knows that not all girls are like this". I can't speak for him or anyone else in this thread, but I think most people are throwing out ideas, building off previously said things, and taking the obvious "this doesn't apply to all men/women" idea for granted.

I don't blame you though if you got annoyed with it. I encounter the same pre-feminism attitude of fitting all women into a box almost daily with these (usually) older men so it can be hard to catch innocent statements sometimes...

On an unrelated note, I found Tinder when I used it a year ago to be 10% women (they all moved to Bumble). Likely just my area, but Bumble does seem to be beating out Tinder in popularity at least in America. But I get a feeling you aren't in North America.

 

[bchamp]

Tinder.
(this is how I met my current bf and my first )
On your profile make it known your looking for a relationship thing. I put 'My mates got into a relationship so I need a double date partner' Its bull but it filters out the baddies . Like you'd be surprised how many guys and gals and non binary's on there actually wanna date.
Be clear of your intentions, (I told him I catch feelings easily, I haven't told him about my AS as he's new on the scene) Arrange a date and see if you like them.
I suggest being completely open, honesty doesn't hurt. Just remember you are allowed to not like someone and so are they. Rejection was my biggest fear but you know what, i'm not everyones cup of tea and thats totally okay. Nobody is gonna be a knob to you if you're chill.

Early days but my bf is holding up to be the guy I think he is and I have a lot of love for it.

The biggest thing I had to realise was that I was jumping into relationships to not feel alone. Its all cool when you get into a relationship but carrying it is even harder. You need to know yourself and understand the things you like and what you want before looking.

Hope this helps!

I have many matches on Tinder, surprisingly.. and never had anything go on from there. Hell... A blind girl I was super interested in getting to know.. Just stopped talking to me.

I've talked to my therapist today and mentioned this exact conversation with her... She basically told me to worry less about sex, and just build relationships from friendships. In simple terms I guess you could put it that way. I'm still using Tinder just to talk, see wherever it goes. So far nothing.... and I've been on for a while.

I just think it's the way I talk online, very awkward for me cause I'm not a texter.

 

[Shiznown]

Well, first don't call women females. "Females" makes women feel like they're a different species.

Second of all, I see a lot of very bad dating tips around this site like "Women like good looks!" or "women like money!" or "women like body builders"!

That's not really true? Yes, society likes to teach us these gender norms, but everyone is different. Just love yourself, be happy, and get to know people that have the same interests. Except for thinking "I need a girlfriend"....try and make friends. Then maybe you'll connect with someone soon.

There isn't really a check list to get a partner. And good looks REALLY do not matter. AT ALL. Most girls I know just want a nice guy. That's it. And someone who listens.

Small stuff like that makes a world of difference.

I don't know the OP, but please don't try and be mean. Also, telling a man not to worry about a relationship, isn't going to help. It can be almsot as bad as saying "Hey, just try not to worry about living in home.", especially for a man with aspergers. Loneliness is crippling. Also, everyone has preferences, everyone. It takes more than being nice to have a relationship and I'm sure your friends still have preferences, they just might over look some of those preferences for the right guy.

 

[Shiznown]

I have many matches on Tinder, surprisingly.. and never had anything go on from there. Hell... A blind girl I was super interested in getting to know.. Just stopped talking to me.

I've talked to my therapist today and mentioned this exact conversation with her... She basically told me to worry less about sex, and just build relationships from friendships. In simple terms I guess you could put it that way. I'm still using Tinder just to talk, see wherever it goes. So far nothing.... and I've been on for a while.

I just think it's the way I talk online, very awkward for me cause I'm not a texter.

Your therapist is an idiot and you should stop giving her your money. For man problems, you need to talk to a man for advice. *Trigger Warning* Your biggest struggle is actually going to be fearing rejection. I could have the car, the house, the job and that would still be one of your biggest, if not your biggest issue. Now, you should "be yourself", but what does that even mean? See, really instead of being yourself, you should grow as a man and transform yourself into someone a women of good character would want to be with. You also have to find your target demographic of women. Certain women are more attracted to a certain type of guy. The girls that go out and drink and party will be more attracted to a guy that drink all the time and tells a bunch of sexual jokes. This is how my buddy gets women, granted they aren't the type of women you want raising your kids. If you're not a party guy, you obviously won't attract party girls. A lot of women really just want a man that they share things in common with and that has ambitions and passion, unless they're the ones that party. In that case, they want someone to drink with them and be as immature as they are. If you look decent, are driven and persistent, you can find a girlfriend. Also you COULD always try talking to foreign women, or women not from your area. You could be more popular in another area.

 

[Bronwyn]

I have many matches on Tinder, surprisingly.. and never had anything go on from there. Hell... A blind girl I was super interested in getting to know.. Just stopped talking to me.

I've talked to my therapist today and mentioned this exact conversation with her... She basically told me to worry less about sex, and just build relationships from friendships. In simple terms I guess you could put it that way. I'm still using Tinder just to talk, see wherever it goes. So far nothing.... and I've been on for a while.

I just think it's the way I talk online, very awkward for me cause I'm not a texter.

My advice is that you should be the first one to contact them, let them know you like them. Ask for a date after a few messages. You can even be funny and say 'sooo when are we going on a date ' trust me it goes well. Just be flirty because it shows confidence.

Also be careful with relationships from friendships bit. I have had a lot of friendships broken from people who I considered best friends because some people feel like they owe you sex or a relationship from being nice.

Im a message away if youd like anymore help Good luck!

 

[AloneNotLonely]

What is meant by "toxic?"
Some kind of hazardous waste, disease ridden, or maybe a little too much arsenic in the cake?
How does this create success with women?
Are the ones you meet masochistic and eager to jump through hoops to prove themselves worthy?
Sounds like an odd way to win lovers and influence people.

Toxic is a general dating term that refers to bad qualities as a partner.

Not sure if they are masochistic... I do not set any hoops for them to jump through. I attempt to find out what they are like. I cut it off if I find out something I don't like. Being confrontational with women is a very bad idea in this day and age.

There isn't really a check list to get a partner. And good looks REALLY do not matter. AT ALL. Most girls I know just want a nice guy. That's it. And someone who listens.

I wonder why the vast majority of nice guys can't get a girl to save their life then.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm re-reading this a bit more and would like to offer better advice. Not that what I offered wasn't good, it was only about matching up based on interests rather than with a person too.

Remember, for a relationship, it takes two. It is perfectly okay for a possible significant other to expect all of these other things out of you. Especially, if they can drive and/or work themselves, etc. If you don't have the potential to do these things, then many people who seek more stability and being able to level with another will only be attracted to your physical appearance. There are probably other females in a similar plight to you, or maybe a small number who will be willing to work with your situation. It might be hard to find though. If you live in/near a big city, then you should at least be comfortable with independently taking public transportation.


Also, you could slightly flirt (you don't have to do this right away, but you could choose to do so. Don't wait "forever" if this is the direction you want to go in. Maybe, two months at most, but heck, even when you first meet a girl might be okay), and try to do this 1-1 if possible or in manner where she won't feel too embarrassed. If she flirts back, then she's (possibly) interested. Maybe do that for at least 3 days (if you need a benchmark and are not good at going by context, and if she hasn't indicated herself already), then you ask if she wants to meet up in-person in a public place somewhere. If you get the run around, you have your answer and you move on unless she initiates later on. If you previously got the run around and then you get initiation, then you can appropriately "pressure" to meet up again in-person seriously or move on.