I'm terrible at this.

[bchamp]

I'm sure a lot of you deal with similar struggles, but I also see that some of you have boyfriends, or girlfriends.. I just wonder how you came to have those types of relationships..

I struggle a lot, I've noticed plenty of girls tend to like me.. and I often do have confidence to approach some females, have been turned down before so it's not like I'm afraid of such. I'd tell you I know I look good to some degree to some females, I stay physically fit, and look after my health otherwise for the most part. I'd personally say I'm interesting to some degree to create some curiosity for females.

I do talk a lot about myself and I notice it's really difficult for me to get off that conversation, but I realize it's hard to ask females questions like "do you have a boyfriend".. So on so forth, recently a girl at work asked if I had a girlfriend.. I didn't think much of it at the time, even if I was to say anything.. It was during work, and I get self conscious talking about this sort of thing around others. It's happened before to me and we never got farther than her informing me of feelings towards me.

Online dating doesn't work for me, hook ups never happen.. and I'm desperate for something intimate and I've desired sex ever since I had my first time 2 years ago. I feel like this sets me back somewhere. I don't know where I always screw up, but it hurts me... I feel so alone.

Whatever you can make of this please tell me some of your experiences, or any advice or tips you guys have. I try not to seem desperate but I am, and it is so hard to control.

 

[Fino]

Every relationship I've experienced started because I told them directly (and awkwardly) how I felt, and that worked just fine like 5 or 6 times, which totaled to about six years of dating. I lost all interest after the last one because I was in love and now I don't have any interest in anyone else.

But this was with guys, so maybe the dynamic is different? I don't know, I just thought I'd give my experiences, sorry if they're no help!

 

[bchamp]

Every relationship I've experienced started because I told them directly (and awkwardly) how I felt, and that worked just fine like 5 or 6 times, which totaled to about six years of dating. I lost all interest after the last one because I was in love and now I don't have any interest in anyone else.

But this was with guys, so maybe the dynamic is different? I don't know, I just thought I'd give my experiences, sorry if they're no help!

It's just... and I'm not saying every female is like this. It just feels like they expect so much from me... I mean.. I have no car, even if I did, no insurance to drive legally. For whatever reason, that's a huge confidence killer for me.

No one expects me to have autism and don't understand the issues that I actually do have, and face. It's not like I'm gonna walk up and tell every person that I'm autistic.. I just feel that every female I talk with expects me to be "normal" to some degree. Yeah, they might like me at first.. but once they realize my struggles it all just.. Idk..

 

[BraidedPony]

You are good looking and not afraid of rejection, so that is a good start. Now we need to take the next step.
My advice is to take a tiny step, ask the girl a question about herself. The goal here is to get to know her better. It is too soon to just right away ask if she has a boyfriend.
The first few times you talk to a girl try not to think about sex as a goal. Because you will get anxious and will give off bad vibes. Of course you are going to think about it just don’t think it is going to happen in the next few minutes.
Things to ask her, maybe some younger people can help with some ideas here, are what music or movies she likes, does she work or go to school, does she like work or school...
After a few conversations go well you can invite her to lunch or coffee. Something during the day? I don’t know what young people do on dates but I think that casual lunch dates are less stressful.

 

[Fino]

You are good looking and not afraid of rejection, so that is a good start. Now we need to take the next step.

Do you mean that the person in the little picture is him? Is it? I assumed that was some famous person. Or maybe it's not him and you just happen to know what he looks like some other way?

 

[bchamp]

Do you mean that the person in the little picture is him? Is it? I assumed that was some famous person. Or maybe it's not him and you just happen to know what he looks like some other way?

I mentioned in the post that I know I'm decent looking to some degree, that's where he got it from I think.

And yes it is a famous person, from criminal minds.

 

[Bolletje]

It's just... and I'm not saying every female is like this. It just feels like they expect so much from me... I mean.. I have no car, even if I did, no insurance to drive legally. For whatever reason, that's a huge confidence killer for me.

For what it’s worth, when I’m interested in a guy I wouldn’t care if he had a car or not. This is 2018, if I care that much about cars I should get my own. I know most of my female friends don’t care about such materialistic junk either. It might be a cultural thing. Still, don’t undermine your own confidence over material possessions. What you own doesn’t define you.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

I do talk a lot about myself and I notice it's really difficult for me to get off that conversation, but I realize it's hard to ask females questions like "do you have a boyfriend"..

Everyone to talk about themselves, not many people care though, there's book about getting friends and its key point is - keep conversation about them not yourself and pretend you interested in them, no one really cares about others but if you show them you do they might like you they'll occasionally ask you about you but don't get too excited always switch focus of conversation towards other person. I have not tried, but i heard this works.

 

[SusanLR]

Everyone to talk about themselves, not many people care though, there's book about getting friends and its key point is - keep conversation about them not yourself and pretend you interested in them, no one really cares about others but if you show them you do they might like you they'll occasionally ask you about you but don't get too excited always switch focus of conversation towards other person. I have not tried, but i heard this works.

I haven't tried that either, but, it might work since people like their egos stroked.
Usually if they like you back, they will ask questions or want your opinion on their ideas or beliefs.

And hey, @bchamp : If you look like Spencer Reid, whoa!
He's my favourite fictional TV character, looks and mental personality to boot.

 

[Autistamatic]

Pretending or acting in any way is never a good idea, AS or NT. You will get found out or will be seen as insincere.
Talking about yourself all the time will not endear you either, but showing genuine interest in people, finding commonalities and stimulating conversational topics will take you a long way as will a sense of humour.
What would you find interesting in a person? Their job? Education? Hobbies? Pets? Favourite movies or music? Find things to talk about that you can show some enthusiasm for, but also allow you to be genuinely interested in their side of the conversation.
Very few people are particularly materialistic when it comes to romance or relationships. True, poverty may not be a winner, but just having an average income, a modest home or not having a car would only deter the most shallow and ambitious of women who would not be worth your time anyway.
I would also suggest waiting until you have already bonded with someone before you introduce your autism or your struggles to the conversation. Give them a reason to like you and trust you first. If they already like your company and trust your word they are far more likely to be sympathetic to your difficulties and want to be supportive and understanding than to think "Whoah - what am I getting myself into?"
I met the women in my life in various ways - through work, through social occasions, through friends, through common interests. I met my wife online and approached her because she had no profile pic but a charming description. Luckily for me she turned out to be beautiful both in body and spirit and we've been together many years, still very happy and conflict free.
Dating and relationships always take a degree of compromise, at least to get them started. If you're lucky you'll soon realise you are on the same page and the compromises may be very minor and easy for both of you to accommodate. If not and the compromises are too much for either of you, then it's one to put down to experience and learn from.

 

[Pats]

I agree with @Autistamatic. Don't pretend to be anything you are not. I know it's hard to start up conversations and it's hard to know what to talk about that doesn't involve talking about yourself. It is okay to talk about yourself, just try to limit it. Yes, start with simple things to ask her about herself - what things she likes and enjoys. Be a gentleman. Look into her eyes. Just let her feel like you are interested in what she is saying. Get an ice cream cone together and just have fun. Treat her like a friend and don't get too serious until you're both ready to get serious. You need to be friends first of all.

 

[Tom]

Work on yourself. Make the most of what you have to become a better and more accomplished person.

Relationships aren't a 'right'. You have to earn someones respect and love.

As a desperate hormone driven kid who mainly talks about himself you are about as attractive to girls as half a nighcrawler wriggling on the ground.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

It's just... and I'm not saying every female is like this. It just feels like they expect so much from me... I mean.. I have no car, even if I did, no insurance to drive legally. For whatever reason, that's a huge confidence killer for me.

Men naturally tie their worth to their material possessions or earnings potential. In that regard, being a narcissistic bodybuilder is actually an advantage in this day and age. No woman will be attracted to you for your earnings or net worth. You will simply be seen as a target. If you want to attract a woman (as opposed to luring them in with your wallet) then optimizing your looks and simply being interested in them works wonders.

Ever since I started assuming all women are toxic until proven otherwise, success with them has gone through the roof. I simply talk with them and try to figure out exactly what kind of life they have, how they see things and what they expect from men. Naturally, you will suck at this at first. My first date was me mostly stumbling over my own words. I was lucky and learned fast, so the second one went much better. Simply talking a lot with people will improve your "people skills". Once you get over the "I have to tell them this and that and also this and that too" it becomes very easy.

The confidence thing... yea it's hard. Men always have this nagging at them. Now I feel like I'm the king of my castle, but that took a lot and it's never perfect. Even now, every bit of money I make still fuels my ego. I think it can be achieved by everyone... but putting your life on hold for another 10-15 years until you make a few 100k in the stock market is a bit depressing to say the least. The best you got now is to simply accept it and consider it enough that you are working on it, if you don't you will turn toxic and start lashing out at women that reject you because of your insecurities and that's something you really don't want.

 

[Jane Smith]

Well, first don't call women females. "Females" makes women feel like they're a different species.

Second of all, I see a lot of very bad dating tips around this site like "Women like good looks!" or "women like money!" or "women like body builders"!

That's not really true? Yes, society likes to teach us these gender norms, but everyone is different. Just love yourself, be happy, and get to know people that have the same interests. Except for thinking "I need a girlfriend"....try and make friends. Then maybe you'll connect with someone soon.

There isn't really a check list to get a partner. And good looks REALLY do not matter. AT ALL. Most girls I know just want a nice guy. That's it. And someone who listens.

Small stuff like that makes a world of difference.

 

[BraidedPony]

The use of the term females bothered me too but didn’t know why.
There is a lot of misinformation out there, or information about women that isn’t true for me.
How I am treated is what makes a man wonderful, not a car or gifts, or money or looks, but does he care, is he kind to me and others, is he honest and does he like animals (that is just me though about animals)

 

[bchamp]

I don't have the patience to respond to everyone but I appreciate your comments. I'll try to respond to a few later on...

 

[SusanLR]

Ever since I started assuming all women are toxic until proven otherwise, success with them has gone through the roof.

What is meant by "toxic?"
Some kind of hazardous waste, disease ridden, or maybe a little too much arsenic in the cake?
How does this create success with women?
Are the ones you meet masochistic and eager to jump through hoops to prove themselves worthy?
Sounds like an odd way to win lovers and influence people.

 

[NicolePfisher]

I guess I don't really have any advice... Sorry.

I just read your OP and related. Ever since I was a child, old people adored me. Now as an adult I get comments like "Oh, you must have so many boys asking you out" or "you tell your boyfriend that he is a luck guy, okay?". And it's hard because there has been no boyfriend, ever. They never expect that reply though when I tell them, and I don't know why I do, mind you.

And I get asked out every now and then. It's hard to explain to a neurotypical, but I'm willing to bet that more people here can relate to that feeling of not knowing how to say no or yes, just that you feel completely ambushed and that this or that isn't right in your environment and you don't know how to go about date plans to a list of reasons no one wants to know the length of.

I always leave those conversations feeling bad. Those and conversations I glean from other people my age would leave me to think that it really is that easy. But if it is so easy for everyone else to click with a person they meet because they find each other attractive enough and have similar interest long enough to count a serious relationship, why isn't it for me? Do I stand out in the wrong ways?

I tried online dating and that was a disaster. Was phone-stalked by one guy and another met me at work after I told him I wasn't interested in dating anymore at the time. I tried Bumble again recently but keep running into issues due to my single profile picture (the one I use here), my no-phone-number-until-we-meet policy, and my lack of social media. Which are fine, but not me...

I've been on several dates in the past. Most ended up with me being ghosted. It's a hard feeling when you realize that someone has lost all interest in you after that first date. Knowing that I'm pretty and smart and that people think I'm nice isn't helpful when I feel this alone and completely at a loss over what to do about it.

 

[NicolePfisher]

Find a common interest and have a conversation from there. To do that you have to start by asking them questions about themselves. Despite what some other people have said (though I think they are really just poorly worded truths about all people--not just women) not all women are the same regarding anything. Some women are insecure or polite or will take a genuine interest in everything you have to say, but it means nothing if you don't find her interesting. It helps to know if you have anything in common. You'll both enjoy the conversation and at the very least you'll both gain a friend.

 

[NicolePfisher]

What is meant by "toxic?"
Some kind of hazardous waste, disease ridden, or maybe a little too much arsenic in the cake?
How does this create success with women?
Are the ones you meet masochistic and eager to jump through hoops to prove themselves worthy?
Sounds like an odd way to win lovers and influence people.

I think this may have been a poor choice of words. Swap "toxic women" with "toxic people" and presume that toxic is another... 'lazy generalization' to describe an individual/suitor that is pursuing you for the wrong reasons. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with "playing" or "fooling around". Nothing in his comment gave me the impression that he is taking advantage of anyone so I won't confuse it with that...

He is right in that no one is attracted to anybody's money. Unless you have some weird philia you cannot be sexually attracted to money. I disagree that being a fit individual is any more or less advantageous now than it was at any other period. Beauty is relative to culture, individual etc and how we look sends a message about what we are. Putting a lot of work into how I look is something I use to help me fit in. And to me for example, a guy with chiseled muscles works very hard those "glamor muscles" which don't even necessarily translate to athleticism. Muscles are so overrated. Again... that's just me.

I think though that many people attribute the work that they put into their bodies with the success they perceive having. As a comedian whose name escapes me once said "If you want to find a guy with a six pack... Go to the gym and get (yourself) a six pack." Gyms are social environments after all.

I do disagree with a lot of sentiments regarding giving gifts, because of science... Let me clarify. I completely agree that love does not correlate to material things. Poor people find love just as often as rich people do. But studies would indicate that giving gifts--or better yet--*sharing* is a HUGE thing in courting a mate, whatever your species.

And when I say gifts, I'm not talking about anything extravagant. I woed a guy that was mutually crushing on me once by surprising him with a $3 tiramisu cake on his birthday. It doesn't even have to be some sort of sacrifice. Share your food. Share your phone charger. Nothing difficult. Like think of that 50's cliche of a girl being cold so a guy shares his jacket. Sharing is caring. Having means means nothing if you aren't willing to *share* with a potential mate.

But really, money doesn't make anybody confident. Another study/survey found men making 6 figures still found the prospect of asking a girl out to be utterly terrifying. If there is any fact about life that we can be certain of, it's that dating SUCKS.