I’m starting to resent my younger sister

[Frostee]

I may be slow, but I'm not that stupid.. When he says "It's all on her", that doesn't necessarily mean that he's saying that it's her fault. I think what he's saying is that the reason she's always so angry is her problem as he's only tried to be nice to her. Plus, she probably does have something against him if it's only him. He might've done something in the past, she could be jealous of him for something, or she could have some sort of prejudice. He did mention that she's always in her room up until work time, so that may actually be her problem. She could be having a bad time at work. Something's up. It's not him just blaming her. When he said it's all on her, that means something's going on with her that he doesn't understand. That doesn't mean he's blaming her and saying she hates him without a reason. He just understand why she's so mad at him all the time. He also mentioned that she rudely slams the door on him, just walking outside and lashes out at him when he asks her how her day has been. Even when just waking up?

Frostee never said he wasn't at fault. He just says his family is angry at him. "She has something against me" doesn't automatically mean "It's her fault she's mad at me". And "It's all on her" doesn't automatically mean "She did this to herself and ruined the relationship". He says it's on her because she doesn't interact with him at all, and when he tries to interact with her, she's always angry at him for some reason. That's all he's saying.

Yes, you're right. I was saying that my sister is the one individual who is always in a negative mood with me. For example, slamming doors on me, snapping at me when I get up in the morning, giving me dirty looks, telling me to [deleted word]off etc.

These people imply that i'm doing something to annoy her, the issue in reality is that she has a default irritated mood with me. She literally is always angry/resentful towards me. I don't actually really do anything to her but ask her how her day is etc.

I would sit down and chat with her only: she’d say no or she’d sit and betrayed me/blame me entirely.

 

[Frostee]

We are all going to be adults here and realize frustration can get the better of us when we are all here to help Frostee get to the next step of maturity accepting his role in things.

I'm sorry, maybe i'm a tad thick but WHY would you as an individual be irritated at myself for not understanding why my sister is constantly reacting in a negative manner towards me?! Unless maybe you have a vendetta against me?

 

[Aspychata]

No Frostee, l am hoping that you realise that you may not be able to change your sister's impression or behavior towards you. l had the exact same thing with my brother, AND we still don't really talk much to this day. He was younger then me. We are just hoping you step outside of yourself a little. Like l am here hoping the best for you but l never got along with my brother when he hit his teens. So l am suggesting this really does happen in real life. Relatives who don't get along with other family members.

Not sure why you accused me of having a vendetta, that is usually reserved for someone that feels horribly wronged by another person. Like l don't even know you or have read that many of your posts to know that much about you. Plus we live in different countries so l am confused to why l would have a vendetta against anybody at this forum. I don't talk much about my life, but it's not that bad. And l have lived in some of the most beautiful places in the world. So l am pretty happy most of the time.

 

[Misery]

I'm starting to feel irritated and resentful at these individuals on here. They clearly don't read my post, otherwise they'd see that my sister is an awkward, stubborn brat for NO REASON.

Her attitude towards me is perpetually resentful and moody.

I don't know what these people's issues is, but they clearly have a vendetta against me.

Frostee, we all read your post. The whole thing. We always do. I've read it 7 times now. Yes, I counted.

You come here seeming to ask for help, trying to figure things out. We offer it. It is ignored. Or you say things like this. A vendetta? Seriously? Do you HONESTLY believe that?

You think we dont have empathy. I dunno about EVERYONE here, but most of us do. I know I do. Most of the time I spend on this forum is dedicated towards trying to help people. It's what I do. If I did not want to see you succeed, to see your situation improve... I would not waste my time here. Whether you believe that or not is irrelevant. It is the truth either way. I do care. I dont have a "vendetta". The very idea of me having some grudge against someone for literally no reason is absurd. I do not do that. Many others here... probably all of them... also do not do that. We're here because we care.

Yet when we offer help, when we even SUGGEST that maybe you should look into your own behavior (which is important for ANYONE to do, not just you... I have to do it too, as does everyone else here) it's always "no, it's only the other person's fault". Do you seriously not see the issue here? You blame only others, and then you wonder why nothing ever improves, and why everyone is angry at you. You blame ONLY your sister, you dont even consider your actions, you dont even think about how she might be perceiving the things you do, and yet you wonder why she "hates you".


Yes, your sister probably has some fault here. SOME. Just as we've been saying it's not 100% her fault, it's also not 100% your fault. I can see that. I already know that. Certainly, she could do with a bit of anger management, based on what you're saying. Even when super annoyed at someone, it's very childish to do things like slam a door in their face. HOWEVER. At no point have you analyzed WHY she's angry, beyond "it's all her fault, she must hate me for no reason" or "she has emotional problems, that's all it is". You cannot see YOUR part of the problem, and so you attack everyone else. And thus, the problem grows. All because of that "I'm always in the right, I'm never to blame" attitude.


In fact, I rather suspect that, even despite my endlessly calm nature, you see what I'm typing as an attack against you. Am I right? Since you cannot be blamed.... this must be MY fault now, huh?

You can block whoever you want. Hell, block me if you like. But it wont solve anything, and frankly is a nasty move. Kinda like slamming a door in someone's face. Particularly when it's someone just trying to help. Honestly, if you're going to act like that... then I question what you're even doing here. And that's a very genuine question, not some sort of insult. I seriously dont know what you expect to get from these topics when you refuse to even consider the advice being given, or the thoughts of others. What is the purpose of looking for assistance, when you ONLY accept comments you WANT to hear, instead of those that might actually help?

And you know what? I type all of this being almost entirely certain that you're not going to listen to me. IF you even read this far. You'll decide I must be horrible, ignore it, and possibly block me. Then you may block others.

But you know what? I'm typing it anyway. Because I care, and I'd like to see your situation improve. And if that means pointing out a harsh truth... so be it. "Helping" people does not mean agreeing with every blasted thing they say. That doesnt help at all. I dont want to make things WORSE, so I'm not about to sugarcoat anything I tell you. I'm not going to lie to you simply because you prefer hearing the lie. From me, you get only honesty... it really is that simple.

If you ARE going to block someone though... at least do them the decency of pointing out that you are doing so. It prevents confusion. Though I'm hoping you can get through this without doing that.... but that's not going to happen, is it? You'll attack, and you'll block. I'd like to be wrong on that one. But I suspect I wont be.

And that's it. That's all out of me for now. It is illogical to hang around here any further, giving advice that is sure to be ignored. I did my best, but I can only attempt so much. Fuel tank is empty and I'll only stress myself out if I try to do more when I know it wont work. For now.

I wish you the best... even if you cant see that. Now, do as you like. Block if you want. It's up to you.

I am turning notifications off for this one and will not check it further even if quoted. If anyone has anything to say to me, feel free to message me. Good day, all.

 

[GadAbout]

Because of this lack of support, I am left to deal with unaccomodating parental behaviour such as my father not allowing me to install a lock on my bedroom door, walking into my bedroom when I am in bed or going into my drawer, taking me key and moving my car WITHOUT ASKING.

So move out. Problem solved.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Right, point out everything negative about your sister again. Personality disorder, but you're not qualified to diagnose anyone so that's fine.

Yeah I hate how people armchair dx their exes or estranged family members with personality disorders. It's really messed up since not all people with personality disorders are evil. Some are really cool like GG Allin or @Fino.

 

[Mia]

I don't actually really do anything to her but ask her how her day is etc.
I would sit down and chat with her only: she’d say no or she’d sit and betrayed me/blame me entirely.

Haven't you asked her to drive you places in the past or to go to movies with you? Or to use the car she uses for work? Or more recently to pick up donuts? You've mentioned all those things in previous posts.

Now that you have bought a car, which is a good thing for you, you should be able to do those things yourself. She's not your servant nor is she your companion. She has another life, that does not include you. The fact that you have treated her this way in the past, indicates from her resultant behaviour that she resents it.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Sometimes I question the sanity of people on this forum. I mean I get into plenty of big arguments about politics and whatnot... but this is different.

His sister is... hmm... how do I say this without offending anyone... Trash. Yea! That's the right term.

Don't get me wrong, Frostee is annoying and whiny. But being Autistic he's going to annoy his sister no matter how much he tries, being Autistic just means you piss people off, especially family that you live with since you can't keep up the social facade 24/7. I don't know any details about him, but I'm assuming he's not a drug addict or a criminal. She has no business treating him like that even if he's "The Autistic loser of the family". You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she treats her brothers and sisters. If she doesn't want to be around him or whatever that's her choice, but if she's using the attitude and wording that Frostee is describing then that can only be justified if he was being that rude to her as well.

So just avoid her, why bother trying to patch things up? She's trash and a pain, and trash gets into trouble and being a pain nobody will want to help her. Just avoid all of that, you might be in a much better position in life a decade or so down the road and it always comes down to big brother to help poor little sister.

 

[onlything]

Moving out isn't going to help improve the relationship.

Can't agree with that one here. Moving out is a big and difficult step but it really can improve relationships between a person and their family members.

I can speak from my experience only but after my moving out our family got much, much closer. In the past, it would have been a good day if we ignored each other instead of trying to tear another's throat out. Quite literally at times.

When you move out, quite a few things change. You get distance from your family, learn to be truly independent, finally get peace and quiet from all the shouting. At some point, you start to realise that there are things you may miss about them, then that you may even miss them a bit. Then comes a moment when you start to see mistakes you may have made, different kinds of mutually unfair treatment between you. Things you could have done yourself instead of bothering them, as well as words that maybe could have stayed in your head and never be said.

The same thing can happen on the other side. People start to realise that there is someone missing in the house. Then, they may start to think about that person and their relationship with them.

For me, it started with almost a year of silence and then proceeded to calls, texts, even parcels. Then meetings where we argued much less or even didn't argue at all. I learnt to let things go and they learnt to accept my quirks. In the end, it got much better. It is much better.

My point? Rejecting advice without thinking about it even a bit is not only wasteful and a possible loss of an opportunity - it's also rather rude towards people trying to help.

I am not trying to attack or judge you or Frostee. However, if there is the possibility that his sister's attitude, childish as it is, could have been caused by his own, then isn't it worth just thinking over? Is it really possible? Could have been something, some repeated behaviour that may have unknowingly irritated her so much and for so long that she started to lash out?

And why not at least try to talk to her? Yes, it may come to nothing but at least he would have the knowledge that he tried. Yet, he doesn't want to try. Would it be really so pointless to just ask 'Sis, I know you're angry at me, I really do but I simply don't know why. Could you tell me what did I do?' or even writing a letter to her and pushing it under her door or on her bed?

If Frostee shows that he's willing to try to understand it may help. But first he needs to really want to try and work on the relationship. It's never fault of only the one side. Never. Saying that it's his sister's fault is not the way to go. Her attitude is wrong, yes, but it came from somewhere.

And if it turns out that she isn't willing to work on it with Frostee, something that is necessary to patch it up, then it will be time to let it go. Stop trying to talk to her, ask her favours etc. Just let her be.

Towards others in the topic: let us all try and calm down, alright? There is no need for names and too harsh comments. We're adults. We can work it out calmly and rationally.

If you get tired of someone's way of thinking, there's always the choice to just leave their threads alone.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Can't agree with that one here. Moving out is a big and difficult step but it really can improve relationships between a person and their family members.

I can speak from my experience only but after my moving out our family got much, much closer. In the past, it would have been a good day if we ignored each other instead of trying to tear another's throat out. Quite literally at times.

When you move out, quite a few things change. You get distance from your family, learn to be truly independent, finally get peace and quiet from all the shouting. At some point, you start to realise that there are things you may miss about them, then that you may even miss them a bit. Then comes a moment when you start to see mistakes you may have made, different kinds of mutually unfair treatment between you. Things you could have done yourself instead of bothering them, as well as words that maybe could have stayed in your head and never be said.

The same thing can happen on the other side. People start to realise that there is someone missing in the house. Then, they may start to think about that person and their relationship with them.

For me, it started with almost a year of silence and then proceeded to calls, texts, even parcels. Then meetings where we argued much less or even didn't argue at all. I learnt to let things go and they learnt to accept my quirks. In the end, it got much better. It is much better.

My point? Rejecting advice without thinking about it even a bit is not only wasteful and a possible loss of an opportunity - it's also rather rude towards people trying to help.

I am not trying to attack or judge you or Frostee. However, if there is the possibility that his sister's attitude, childish as it is, could have been caused by his own, then isn't it worth just thinking over? Is it really possible? Could have been something, some repeated behaviour that may have unknowingly irritated her so much and for so long that she started to lash out?

And why not at least try to talk to her? Yes, it may come to nothing but at least he would have the knowledge that he tried. Yet, he doesn't want to try. Would it be really so pointless to just ask 'Sis, I know you're angry at me, I really do but I simply don't know why. Could you tell me what did I do?' or even writing a letter to her and pushing it under her door or on her bed?

If Frostee shows that he's willing to try to understand it may help. But first he needs to really want to try and work on the relationship. It's never fault of only the one side. Never. Saying that it's his sister's fault is not the way to go. Her attitude is wrong, yes, but it came from somewhere.

And if it turns out that she isn't willing to work on it with Frostee, something that is necessary to patch it up, then it will be time to let it go. Stop trying to talk to her, ask her favours etc. Just let her be.

Towards others in the topic: let us all try and calm down, alright? There is no need for names and too harsh comments. We're adults. We can work it out calmly and rationally.

If you get tired of someone's way of thinking, there's always the choice to just leave their threads alone.

I see your point on moving, but it's better to try to talk to them first before deciding that you need to move out. It doesn't seem like he's refusing help, and he is not saying she's at fault. He says she's angry, and it's on her means that it's her situation. He means that she is angry for something going on with HER OWN life or something like that. He's not saying that it's her fault the relationship is ruined. He's saying that her anger has to do with her, not him. Something could be troubling her, and he could be the target cause of something in the past, something going on at work, or jealousy. He's just trying to day that he isn't doing anything to anger her, and he's trying to be nice to her. But he should try to talk to her, even if he doesn't think she will listen.

As far as the annoyed comments on the thread subject, this is what I've been saying all along.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Can't agree with that one here. Moving out is a big and difficult step but it really can improve relationships between a person and their family members.

Very true, my relationships with my family have improved a huge amount when I moved out. I couldn't stand my sister when w lived together (the feeling was mutual), now I really enjoy her company.

 

[onlything]

I see your point on moving, but it's better to try to talk to them first before deciding that you need to move out.

Speaking to them or not, it is his decision - only his decision. I strongly believe that it would benefit Frostee in gaining independence, silence, privacy, maturity... It's a big step and definitely difficult in the beginning but worth it. Of course, I do recommend speaking to his parents first, but it is his decision in the end. If he feels that it's too fast for him, however, what about getting a part-time job to get some money for the future? And... maybe even to get some respect from his sister?

It doesn't seem like he's refusing help

Frostee is rejecting all ideas put through on this or other thread, often seemingly without giving it any or giving it little though, sometimes even getting angry at the suggestions only. I understand that some of that speak of great changes in his life and some were introduced at times harshly - however, rejecting them in this manner simply shows lack of respect towards those trying to help. And we do try to help.

he is not saying she's at fault. He says she's angry, and it's on her means that it's her situation. He means that she is angry for something going on with HER OWN life or something like that.

Frostee wrote that she is perpetually angry, passive-aggressive and rude - quote 'towards him specifically' and that 'Over the last few years our relationship has just gone downhill massively and it’s all on her.' (which not only shows that the reason was gradual and persistent but that Frostee himself blames her and her behaviour for their deteriorating relationship - unless we completely misunderstood which is quite common for people on the spectrum).

This information is important. It shows that the reason for that aggression can come from two main possibilities. Either:

a) Frostee, unknowingly and repeatedly, behaved in a way that caused her to gradually resent him more and more;
b) Frostee's sister due to unknown reasons started feeling resentful and/or jealous towards Frostee without his (unknowing or not) fault in that.

For the possibility a) I can advise trying to understand the situation from the point of view of the sister by asking [writing to] either her or the parents/mutual acquaintances/other family members. By receiving feedback from these two sources, Frostee can improve his understanding of the situation and his role in it and possibly learn how to improve it.

For the possibility b) I can advise once again talking to the family members and/or analysing the possible jealousy source. What could it be? Is the parents' treatment towards Frostee different than towards his sister? Does Frostee have something the Sister doesn't? Does the Sister have responsibilities that Frostee doesn't such as job/housework etc? I can only think about the job issue, with her working full-time. One of the suggested solutions would be to try to get a job, part-time or not, to make her (potentially) feel less angry about potential unfair treatment (or just the fact that full-time job can be exhausting and being bothered by a sibling after work can be very irritating, especially if the job is a stressful one).

He's not saying that it's her fault the relationship is ruined. He's saying that her anger has to do with her, not him.

Unfortunately, that is contradictory to what Frostee wrote.

My younger sister constantly has animosity towards me. Everyday her mood is one of passive aggressiveness and rudeness towards me, specifically.

Her behaviour is directed at him specifically.

She’ll constantly hold grudges for DAYS and will never accept an apology.

If she holds grudges towards him, then clearly she's angry at him.

Over the last few years our relationship has just gone downhill massively and it’s all on her.

It throws the blame for the deterioration of their relationship at her behaviour and attitude.

She just seems to have something against me.

As quoted above.

Again, I am not trying to judge or attack anyone, please keep it in mind. I am only trying to find the reason and possible solution for what is happening in Frostee's family. It's simply a sad situation reminding me much of my own in the past.

I understand that Frostee is trying to be civil and I know it doesn't always work which is why I'm advising speaking to her and if it comes to nothing, then getting a job and moving out (while leaving her alone - no giving favours, no asking for favours, no bothering her at all).

Why do I recommend to speak to Frostee's parents and her/write a letter despite her attitude?
1. He may gain insight into her situation and what causes the resentment.
2. He may be able to show her that he is trying to work on your relationship and understand.
3. He may get information so as to how to treat her to make her less resentful.

What exactly do I advise:
1. Observe his surroundings (differences in their treatment by parents and other family members, differences in responsibilities, in relationships with others etc.) while letting her be without bothering her in any way.
2. Speak to parents/family members/friends about what could be causing the resentment (don't be judgmental, don't be defensive about the answer, just listen or write it down).
3. Speak/write to her (again, no judgment, no being defensive, just listen/read).
4. Decide on the further course of action depending on data (job? move? something else?).

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Speaking to them or not, it is his decision - only his decision. I strongly believe that it would benefit Frostee in gaining independence, silence, privacy, maturity... It's a big step and definitely difficult in the beginning but worth it. Of course, I do recommend speaking to his parents first, but it is his decision in the end. If he feels that it's too fast for him, however, what about getting a part-time job to get some money for the future? And... maybe even to get some respect from his sister?



Frostee is rejecting all ideas put through on this or other thread, often seemingly without giving it any or giving it little though, sometimes even getting angry at the suggestions only. I understand that some of that speak of great changes in his life and some were introduced at times harshly - however, rejecting them in this manner simply shows lack of respect towards those trying to help. And we do try to help.



Frostee wrote that she is perpetually angry, passive-aggressive and rude - quote 'towards him specifically' and that 'Over the last few years our relationship has just gone downhill massively and it’s all on her.' (which not only shows that the reason was gradual and persistent but that Frostee himself blames her and her behaviour for their deteriorating relationship - unless we completely misunderstood which is quite common for people on the spectrum).

This information is important. It shows that the reason for that aggression can come from two main possibilities. Either:

a) Frostee, unknowingly and repeatedly, behaved in a way that caused her to gradually resent him more and more;
b) Frostee's sister due to unknown reasons started feeling resentful and/or jealous towards Frostee without his (unknowing or not) fault in that.

For the possibility a) I can advise trying to understand the situation from the point of view of the sister by asking [writing to] either her or the parents/mutual acquaintances/other family members. By receiving feedback from these two sources, Frostee can improve his understanding of the situation and his role in it and possibly learn how to improve it.

For the possibility b) I can advise once again talking to the family members and/or analysing the possible jealousy source. What could it be? Is the parents' treatment towards Frostee different than towards his sister? Does Frostee have something the Sister doesn't? Does the Sister have responsibilities that Frostee doesn't such as job/housework etc? I can only think about the job issue, with her working full-time. One of the suggested solutions would be to try to get a job, part-time or not, to make her (potentially) feel less angry about potential unfair treatment (or just the fact that full-time job can be exhausting and being bothered by a sibling after work can be very irritating, especially if the job is a stressful one).



Unfortunately, that is contradictory to what Frostee wrote.



Her behaviour is directed at him specifically.



If she holds grudges towards him, then clearly she's angry at him.



It throws the blame for the deterioration of their relationship at her behaviour and attitude.



As quoted above.

Again, I am not trying to judge or attack anyone, please keep it in mind. I am only trying to find the reason and possible solution for what is happening in Frostee's family. It's simply a sad situation reminding me much of my own in the past.

I understand that Frostee is trying to be civil and I know it doesn't always work which is why I'm advising speaking to her and if it comes to nothing, then getting a job and moving out (while leaving her alone - no giving favours, no asking for favours, no bothering her at all).

Why do I recommend to speak to Frostee's parents and her/write a letter despite her attitude?
1. He may gain insight into her situation and what causes the resentment.
2. He may be able to show her that he is trying to work on your relationship and understand.
3. He may get information so as to how to treat her to make her less resentful.

What exactly do I advise:
1. Observe his surroundings (differences in their treatment by parents and other family members, differences in responsibilities, in relationships with others etc.) while letting her be without bothering her in any way.
2. Speak to parents/family members/friends about what could be causing the resentment (don't be judgmental, don't be defensive about the answer, just listen or write it down).
3. Speak/write to her (again, no judgment, no being defensive, just listen/read).
4. Decide on the further course of action depending on data (job? move? something else?).

I read his replies, and I don't see him rejecting your ideas. Plus, that statement about his sister being rude and doing things like slamming the door in his face, snapping on him in the morning. He even just said in his latest reply that he doesn't do anything to her. He didn't even blame her. He just stated what she was doing and how she was behaving and that he doesn't know why. As far as moving out, not everyone can move out because not everyone has a place to go to where they are. For those who do, many of them are not going to accept autistics who act "normal" or appear to be "independent". As far as claiming "him blaming he's sister, of course, he is going to be defensive because he's trying to be nice to her, and she's still angry at him. The fact that she won't accept apologies doesn't mean that he cause her "constant anger", but even accidents or something he's done, he still turns around and apologizes. So to him, he feels like you're taking his sister's side against him. But as I've stated before "it's all on her" doesn't mean that he's blaming her for the relationship problem. He's saying that the relationship is going downhill she's angry at him all the time, and he doesn't know why. He's not just up and saying "she's ruining the relationship". But it's unlikely that he's just behaving towards her at a constant bad behavior. Like I said, the possibility is that she's either jealous of him, stressed out from work, or doesn't want him to even talk to her because of something he did in the past.

Now your advice about talking to them is good. Just because he's afraid of being yelled at, hurt, or whatever they do to him doesn't mean he's rejecting the ideas. Instead of just going out and telling him he's blaming her for his problems, it's easier to just keep giving him ideas on what to do (I.e. move out, talk to them, find support places) like some of y'all suggested. But again, not everyone can find or even be accepted into support places for autism because what people classify as "high-functioning" are less likely to be supported still because everyone thinks we can handle everything on our own just like neurotypicals when that's not the case. He says he's been rejected from support places, too. The best he can do is talk to them unless he actually DOES have somewhere to go. In that case, he can move out if he has somewhere to go.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Speaking to them or not, it is his decision - only his decision. I strongly believe that it would benefit Frostee in gaining independence, silence, privacy, maturity... It's a big step and definitely difficult in the beginning but worth it. Of course, I do recommend speaking to his parents first, but it is his decision in the end. If he feels that it's too fast for him, however, what about getting a part-time job to get some money for the future? And... maybe even to get some respect from his sister?



Frostee is rejecting all ideas put through on this or other thread, often seemingly without giving it any or giving it little though, sometimes even getting angry at the suggestions only. I understand that some of that speak of great changes in his life and some were introduced at times harshly - however, rejecting them in this manner simply shows lack of respect towards those trying to help. And we do try to help.



Frostee wrote that she is perpetually angry, passive-aggressive and rude - quote 'towards him specifically' and that 'Over the last few years our relationship has just gone downhill massively and it’s all on her.' (which not only shows that the reason was gradual and persistent but that Frostee himself blames her and her behaviour for their deteriorating relationship - unless we completely misunderstood which is quite common for people on the spectrum).

This information is important. It shows that the reason for that aggression can come from two main possibilities. Either:

a) Frostee, unknowingly and repeatedly, behaved in a way that caused her to gradually resent him more and more;
b) Frostee's sister due to unknown reasons started feeling resentful and/or jealous towards Frostee without his (unknowing or not) fault in that.

For the possibility a) I can advise trying to understand the situation from the point of view of the sister by asking [writing to] either her or the parents/mutual acquaintances/other family members. By receiving feedback from these two sources, Frostee can improve his understanding of the situation and his role in it and possibly learn how to improve it.

For the possibility b) I can advise once again talking to the family members and/or analysing the possible jealousy source. What could it be? Is the parents' treatment towards Frostee different than towards his sister? Does Frostee have something the Sister doesn't? Does the Sister have responsibilities that Frostee doesn't such as job/housework etc? I can only think about the job issue, with her working full-time. One of the suggested solutions would be to try to get a job, part-time or not, to make her (potentially) feel less angry about potential unfair treatment (or just the fact that full-time job can be exhausting and being bothered by a sibling after work can be very irritating, especially if the job is a stressful one).



Unfortunately, that is contradictory to what Frostee wrote.



Her behaviour is directed at him specifically.



If she holds grudges towards him, then clearly she's angry at him.



It throws the blame for the deterioration of their relationship at her behaviour and attitude.



As quoted above.

Again, I am not trying to judge or attack anyone, please keep it in mind. I am only trying to find the reason and possible solution for what is happening in Frostee's family. It's simply a sad situation reminding me much of my own in the past.

I understand that Frostee is trying to be civil and I know it doesn't always work which is why I'm advising speaking to her and if it comes to nothing, then getting a job and moving out (while leaving her alone - no giving favours, no asking for favours, no bothering her at all).

Why do I recommend to speak to Frostee's parents and her/write a letter despite her attitude?
1. He may gain insight into her situation and what causes the resentment.
2. He may be able to show her that he is trying to work on your relationship and understand.
3. He may get information so as to how to treat her to make her less resentful.

What exactly do I advise:
1. Observe his surroundings (differences in their treatment by parents and other family members, differences in responsibilities, in relationships with others etc.) while letting her be without bothering her in any way.
2. Speak to parents/family members/friends about what could be causing the resentment (don't be judgmental, don't be defensive about the answer, just listen or write it down).
3. Speak/write to her (again, no judgment, no being defensive, just listen/read).
4. Decide on the further course of action depending on data (job? move? something else?).

Plus, read this statement:

"I don't actually really do anything to her but ask her how her day is etc."

And he has tried to talk to her.

"I would sit down and chat with her only: she’d say no or she’d sit and betrayed me/blame me entirely."

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I read his replies, and I don't see him rejecting your ideas. Plus, that statement about his sister being rude and doing things like slamming the door in his face, snapping on him in the morning. He even just said in his latest reply that he doesn't do anything to her. He didn't even blame her. He just stated what she was doing and how she was behaving and that he doesn't know why. As far as moving out, not everyone can move out because not everyone has a place to go to where they are. For those who do, many of them are not going to accept autistics who act "normal" or appear to be "independent". As far as claiming "him blaming he's sister, of course, he is going to be defensive because he's trying to be nice to her, and she's still angry at him. The fact that she won't accept apologies doesn't mean that he cause her "constant anger", but even accidents or something he's done, he still turns around and apologizes. So to him, he feels like you're taking his sister's side against him. But as I've stated before "it's all on her" doesn't mean that he's blaming her for the relationship problem. He's saying that the relationship is going downhill she's angry at him all the time, and he doesn't know why. He's not just up and saying "she's ruining the relationship". But it's unlikely that he's just behaving towards her at a constant bad behavior. Like I said, the possibility is that she's either jealous of him, stressed out from work, or doesn't want him to even talk to her because of something he did in the past.

Now your advice about talking to them is good. Just because he's afraid of being yelled at, hurt, or whatever they do to him doesn't mean he's rejecting the ideas. Instead of just going out and telling him he's blaming her for his problems, it's easier to just keep giving him ideas on what to do (I.e. move out, talk to them, find support places) like some of y'all suggested. But again, not everyone can find or even be accepted into support places for autism because what people classify as "high-functioning" are less likely to be supported still because everyone thinks we can handle everything on our own just like neurotypicals when that's not the case. He says he's been rejected from support places, too. The best he can do is talk to them unless he actually DOES have somewhere to go. In that case, he can move out if he has somewhere to go.

It's interesting that you are interpreting his words one way while everyone else is interpreting them another way. If it happens that your interpretation of his posts, both in this thread and historically, is correct and the rest of us are wrong, that suggests that his communication may well be a large source of his ongoing problems with his father, sister, social circle, and other forums.