I’m starting to resent my younger sister

[Frostee]

My younger sister constantly has animosity towards me. Everyday her mood is one of passive aggressiveness and rudeness towards me, specifically.

She is never happy for me, nor is she generally decent towards me.

Every morning when she gets up she lashes out at me.

When I ask her (after work) how her day was her response is “[deleted] off” and it is the same if I ask her where she is going. She is rarely interested in interacting with me.

When she comes home from work, she goes up to bed and does not come back down again until 12 hours later when she goes to work again.

She’ll constantly hold grudges for DAYS and will never accept an apology.

She doesn’t do me any favours or anything that would benefit me.

If I ask her to get me anything from the shop, she’ll say “no” 9/10. This evening my mother asked me to transfer money to her account so she could get me donuts.

Well... guess what she didn’t get donuts claiming they were all out of date. I have just been to the shop she went to and there is plenty of donuts, none of them are out of date and I did not get my money back.

She is just a person who I am now not wanting to interact with because she is ALWAYS angry and resentful. I literally think she hates me.

Even my relationship with my half siblings is better and improving than it is with her and I have never been close with them.

Over the last few years our relationship has just gone downhill massively and it’s all on her. I don’t have any anger or mood towards her, I am never in a mood when I speak to her etc.

She just seems to have something against me. I am tired of it.

At this point I am questioning if she has some sort of personality disorder because no one is grumpy and moody constantly, no one.

 

[Mia]

Stop expecting her to benefit you in some way. Don't ask for anything from her, she may be your sister, but it seems from all that you've written you expect much from her. What do you do in return? For all the things you ask?

 

[Frostee]

Being kind is expecting too much? What?

 

[Tom]

First lesson they taught us in UDSS (Underwater Donut-shortage Survival School). Never trust anyone, not even your own mother with your donut money.

 

[GadAbout]

I see you are displacing your own spiritual malaise onto the (unprofessional) personality disorder diagnoses of your family members, again.

 

[Fino]

Is she grumpy and moody to everyone or just you?

Either way, there's a few things you said that are a little scary.

She doesn’t do me any favours or anything that would benefit me.

Scary frame of mind.

Over the last few years our relationship has just gone downhill massively and it’s all on her.

It's hard to believe that it's all on her. I remember from a past thread you describing something about waking her up and begging her to give you a ride after she got home from work, or something along those lines.

 

[Misery]

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: You need to consider your own actions before you try to analyze the actions of others. From the patterns I see in your posts, it would appear you do not do that. Which isnt exactly abnormal... plenty of people on the spectrum have trouble with that one. Sometimes I have trouble with it.

But it's important to at least try to see and understand it.

Also, please understand: None of us here are trying to go against you. I rather suspect that's what you'll think, reading all of this. I have noticed that some members here seem to be a bit irritated at your posts. If you're wondering why that is, it's because each time you make one of these posts, advice is given. Useful, important advice. But later topics you make always show that you seem to ignore all of that advice.

You want things to change with your sister? You first have to understand that the fault isnt all hers. And yes, I know... you could say "how can you say that it's not all her fault, you dont even know her". But again, I DO know the patterns I see in your posts. They tell me quite a bit about you. And some traits stand out. Currently, you have a bit too much focus on just yourself. Notice what Fino pointed out in your posts. "She wont do me any favors". That's quite a self-focused comment, there, and it's far from the first one you've made. It's a frequent trend in the posts you make.

Too much of that, and people around you will naturally start to get irritated. It's simply how it works.

Seriously. If you want things around you to change... you will have to be the one making the change, but what you need to change is aspects of yourself, and your attitude.

 

[Aspychata]

How about today you challenge yourself to sit her down and ask why she feels so disconnected from you. But you also need to prepare yourself to hear her truth about how she feels. This will move you to the big step of maturity. Try it and come back and use us for a sounding board! You may be surprised at what she says. Then you won't have to guess what is going on anymore.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I'm slightly disturbed by how much of this rant is about how she never does anything for you. She is not your servant, she is your sister. If this reflects your interactions with her I can see why she might be grumpy with you.

Instead of focusing on yourself try and empathise with her, and change your expectations. From what you say I assume she works full time, so she probably comes home tired and just want to relax. Maybe she is the sort of person who needs alone time to recharge. The last thing she needs when she has been working hard is a brother demanding her attention and assistance, especially when that brother doesn't work at all and thus has all day to go to shop and buy their own donuts. Try occasionally using that time to make her life easier instead of being angry with her not using her limited free time to make your life easier, then she might like you better and be nicer.

 

[Mia]

What do you do in return? For all the things you ask?

You didn't answer my question. What do you do in return for all the favours you ask of your family? Things they don't have to do, that as an adult you should be doing for yourself. Driving you anywhere you ask, (from your previous posts), picking up donuts, those kinds of requests are personal desires.

Why should your sister, who works a job, be at your beck and call? While you sit at home? You should be doing things for her, to make her life easier. Not the other way way around. I would not like your entitled perspective either. And I understand why she's angry.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Did you get the donut money back? If you didn't there's a problem. Find a guy named Ivan with a lead pipe, he can solve those kinds of problems.

Otherwise... who cares. If she doesn't do anything for you then that means you don't have to do anything for her. Nice and quiet. Everyone gets into trouble at some point in their lives, and it's always nice to be able to point out how they've never done anything for you in the past as a reason for not pulling them out of the gutter.

 

[Frostee]

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: You need to consider your own actions before you try to analyze the actions of others. From the patterns I see in your posts, it would appear you do not do that. Which isnt exactly abnormal... plenty of people on the spectrum have trouble with that one. Sometimes I have trouble with it.

But it's important to at least try to see and understand it.

Also, please understand: None of us here are trying to go against you. I rather suspect that's what you'll think, reading all of this. I have noticed that some members here seem to be a bit irritated at your posts. If you're wondering why that is, it's because each time you make one of these posts, advice is given. Useful, important advice. But later topics you make always show that you seem to ignore all of that advice.

You want things to change with your sister? You first have to understand that the fault isnt all hers. And yes, I know... you could say "how can you say that it's not all her fault, you dont even know her". But again, I DO know the patterns I see in your posts. They tell me quite a bit about you. And some traits stand out. Currently, you have a bit too much focus on just yourself. Notice what Fino pointed out in your posts. "She wont do me any favors". That's quite a self-focused comment, there, and it's far from the first one you've made. It's a frequent trend in the posts you make.

Too much of that, and people around you will naturally start to get irritated. It's simply how it works.

Seriously. If you want things around you to change... you will have to be the one making the change, but what you need to change is aspects of yourself, and your attitude.

Why are you not acknowledging her stubbornness and moodiness? This is her default mood with me, no matter the occasion.

For example, I was just out with my mother and her, there was no talk with her just lots of passive aggression and dirty looks.

She literally just slammed the front door in my face as I was walking outside behind her, a moment ago.

So I don’t understand why you think her attitude towards me is my fault with moodiness being her default mood with me?

Regarding a discussion, she’d probably yell at me or tell me to “**** off” if I tried that with her.

 

[Misery]

Why are you not acknowledging her stubbornness and moodiness? This is her default mood with me, no matter the occasion.

I was just out with my mother and her, no talk with her just loads of passive aggression and dirty looks.

Why would you think this is my fault? She literally slammed the door in my face as I was walking outside behind her, a moment ago.

See, this is what I meant.

You have indeed mentioned the stubborn/moodiness. But the idea that you yourself might have done something to cause it seems to just bounce right off. Which again, is a trend often seen in your posts. It's everyone else's fault... it cant be yours, never yours. That sort of view is a problem.

Also when I say "you might have done something to cause it" I dont mean "you did it 5 seconds ago". I mean it's something that might be a long time trend. There could be something that you've been doing that bothers her, and maybe you've done it often over like a year or so, and she's finally had enough to the point where her entire relationship with you is broken. That sort of thing. That's exactly what her behavior sounds like; behavior borne out of sheer frustration. I've seen people act like that before, and they dont just do it randomly.

Here's the thing: Does she do this to anyone else? Based on what you're saying, it sounds like she's only really doing it to you. If she was lashing out at EVERYONE, that'd be one thing. But targeted behavior? That doesnt happen without a reason, whether you're aware of it or not.

Seriously, if you want this stuff to change, you've got to look beyond the "woe is me" sort of viewpoint. When something like an arguement happens or a clash between family members, it's rare that only one of them is at fault. Sure, she could maybe do with a bit of anger control... but that doesnt address the CAUSE of that anger, which seems to be you. But you cant figure out WHY you might be the cause of anything, until you accept the possibility.

This is something quite a few on the spectrum have to deal with. Remember all that stuff about not quite understanding social things, or relationship trouble, or whatever? It's not exactly uncommon for situations just like what you describe to develop as a result of our behavior... not the behavior of those getting angry at us. But until we acknowledge that we might be producing the problem, we cannot FIX that problem.

Again, this is all coming from someone that's already been through this.

 

[Frostee]

Excuse me? Why would her default mood be my fault?

 

[Misery]

Excuse me? Why would her default mood be my fault?

At this point, alot of us that respond to your posts have already mentioned the sorts of reasons as to what might be causing the moods of others around you to sink. Seriously, look around at the posts in this very topic. Alot of us are able to spot these things, and we bring them up pretty much every time.

Let's try something different though. How about, to answer your question, I give you an example.

Someone I know, a friend of mine, once yelled at me about something. Well... not so much "yelled" as it was a stern talking-to. This, after a long period of time where I'd noticed he had been alot less patient with me. He's generally good at dealing with me and knows of the autism, but still, he had been getting kinda snippy at me for a time. Eventually, he sat me down and gave me a talk.

What had bugged him so much was my own self-focus. "Me, me, me".... that's how I tended to think and how I tended to act. Things should benefit me, and nothing was MY fault when stuff went wrong. That's how I looked at things. Whenever something went wrong, I'd blame the other guy. When I *wanted* something, I had to have it and would get irritable if I didnt get it. And I tended to think of my own problems before ever considering the problems that those around me might be going through.

The reason why my friend had been getting more irritable with me was simple: He'd gotten tired of dealing with that attitude. Most people would! Nobody wants to be around the self-centered, entitled jerk that thinks only of themselves and nobody else. But me being the way I am, I hadnt even realized I'd been doing that until this was all directly pointed out to me. Afterwards, when I sat down and actually thought about stuff... yeah, I could see it. I could see what he meant. But I could only see it because I was allowing myself to. I wasnt just sitting there refusing to believe that something could be my fault.

That all sound kinda familiar to you? One reason why I've been repeatedly commenting in your posts is because, as I said, I recognize the patterns there. And it's partly because I've BEEN there. I've been where you are, and I know the signs. And judging by the responses of others in these threads, these signs are glaringly obvious. I guarantee you: the people around you notice these traits, and it's very likely what ends up getting them to then clash with you. Again: been there, done that. This isnt me just pulling crap out of the air.

This is all why I keep telling you that you have to analyze YOUR actions... not those of your sister or anyone else. That self-entitlement and that sense of "it's never my fault" are both showing pretty hard right now, and have been in most of your posts.

Again: None of this is an attack on you. You arent the only one that has these traits, and you arent the only one that's had to go through this. It's actually not uncommon among those on the spectrum to have this exact issue.

But the one and only way these problems you encounter are going to stop is if YOU are willing to make the changes. To learn where your own faults are... instead of assuming that you have none. And to be willing to then take the steps to deal with some of those faults. Not that anyone expects you to be perfect. Nobody is. I know I sure aint. Sometimes I still can be self-centered as heck, usually when in a bad mood. Nobody expects you to be perfect about these things... but most people DO expect you to at least TRY to work on it. The fact that you do not is, I'll bet, one of the sources of your sister's frustration (and everyone else that gets frustrated with you).

Seriously. You bring these topics up, and while each is a bit different, the advice that we are all giving here, and the sorts of responses (in terms of tone) you're getting, that's just going to repeat. Over, and over, and over... because the problem is always the same. We've all spotted this at this point. Now it's up to you to do the same.

 

[WildCat]

Right, point out everything negative about your sister again. Personality disorder, but you're not qualified to diagnose anyone so that's fine. You've already done this before, so expect a similar response.

Ever bother to help out once in a while? Would it be too much to ask "what's wrong?" rather than be antagonistic?

 

[Aspychata]

Frostee
You are starting to get in a rut with your thinking, l am so guilty of that. I had this and it took a long time to really look at it. Yes, some people don't like you,but some people don't like you because your responses to them seem childish and immature and after awhile they do want to give you dirty looks, disengage with you and then you are sitting at your pity party all by yourself thinking everybody hates me. Not really, it's just that your past behavior has kinda pushed enough buttons for them to feel that way and now you are left with nothing but anger. If people refuse to talk to you or support you, you need to ignore them and work on yourself more to become a better person. Think back on the past things you have done. And get a job, this will help you feel so confident about yourself, or take babysteps and volunteer one day a week.

 

[tducey]

Sorry to hear this. As was said before chat with her. Find out the issues with her. Hope things work out.

 

[Aspychata]

How about you start doing nice things for your sister who now works full-time and is tired. If you worked full-time, guess what Casanova, you would be grouchy tired, and to some extent, people will piss you off including family members. Just because you have good days and feel better about yourself, which l think is starting to happen for you from your posts, doesn't mean everyone else feels great. Maybe your sister is having a really tough time at work and has no one to talk to and she is frustrated with family and work life. And you just remind her of everything wrong. Be nice to her because she might be moving out. The other thing, maybe she is frustrated with your and her dad. There are a lot of complexities in your home life, these affect everybody, not just you.

 

[Aspychata]

Frostee
I think you are starting to get better, you are complaining less and maybe starting to see outside of yourself which means you are growing up. How about your next post is sometime you did that resulted in a good outcome for you or someone else. Tell us how that made you feel. Like maybe you didn't have a meltdown, maybe you helped somebody out not expecting anything in return, maybe you seriously applied for any job!! Maybe you talked to a random person and it was okay. Surprise us here!