"I'm Not Autistic Enough"

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

I've gone through similar this year. After I realized I was on the spectrum, I spent the next three months in a cycle of doubt. I'd start to convince myself that I was overreacting, that I was trying to paper over my issues with a label. Then I'd read something else, remember more things, connect more dots, and it'd hit me all over again. This kept up for about three months, until I decided to search YouTube and see what they meant by "hand-flapping" and "stimming". That first video result was like getting punched in the gut. That little boy moved exactly like I did when I was his age. Exactly. It still hurts to watch, to remember, but it killed my doubt. It forced me to accept myself as being autistic.

The worst thing about accepting ASD was giving up the idea that if I just tried harder and had more discipline, I could function at a normal level. The best thing was finally having an understanding of exactly what my issues are and why I have them. Now I can focus my efforts and get better results.

I appreciate this thread so much. I appreciate this forum and site. I was reluctant to join at first because I didn't want to be seen as an imposter. I mention being self-diagnosed a lot, I even tossed it under my picture on here, because I'm self-conscious about it and didn't want to "misrepresent" myself. But people here are accepting and friendly. Good on you @Pinkie B for having the courage to venture out sooner than I did.

 

[s704m]

Hi,

I'm new here, and I've been wrestling with similar things. I liked your post, and I can relate to much of it.

I'm presently in the middle of seeking a formal diagnosis -- not because I need it for myself, I don't, I already know. But because I'm close to finishing my graduate program, and I have lost too many jobs, messed up too many friendships, and lost too many opportunities due to poor social skills and being too honest and direct at the wrong times. I don't want to "not be me" but sometimes I need to learn "how to get along" to survive in employment that matches my degree level.

On the one hand, I am glad and proud that I have finally found my Tribe, and know why I am the way I am. I don't feel there is anything wrong with me -- it just took me finding where I belong with the right sort of people that I belong with. On the other hand, when I'm with the wrong people -- the ones who dominate society and babble and make us miserable -- then i feel horrible about myself and relive the past 40 years of my life feeling stupid, weird, alien, and like I shouldn't exist at all. It becomes X-men all over again (my metaphor for being autistic -- brilliant, sensitive and gifted but misplaced in the wrong society).

I like the website The Aspergian (sp?), more like a newsletter .... I just like the idea of us as being like a different species altogether, that there is nothing wrong with us, we are this way for a reason. It's not up to them to decide what and who we are. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about yourself. You have your own unique gifts and talents, your own special skills and knowledge. We keep seeing ourselves in relation to to allists ...... We are not allists so why do we compare ourselves to them? We are inventors, artists, writers, musicians, activists, scientists, visionaries, and much more. More than anything I want to stop worrying about what allists think of me and the rules they have about stimming, sensory overload, their social etiquette, etc., and focus on my passions, why i am here on this planet.

This is just my opinion of things, i'm not expecting anyone to agree with me. i just appreciate the poster's sentiment and it reminded me of my own anger at this issue. i don't personally need some silly doctor's "official" anything .... yet dominant society dictates that in order to get help with maintaining a 'normal' life and survival (paying bills, etc.), one must strive to fit in, be somewhat sociable, not offend too much, not speak one's mind, and i hate being medicated. So .......

And, after 40+ years of struggling and masking, suddenly my masks are falling off and refusing to go back on -- which is a problem. The insurance company suddenly says I'm autistic, but the process is not yet over. Not sure where I'll end up ......... so i can appreciate the constant struggle.

 

[Pinkie B]

Thanks, peeps, for your replies. I'm just feeling really alone right now and after all my other failed attempts at not being alone, the loneliness of feeling like I'm not broken enough to be in this community was just, well, upsetting.

But it looks like it's something that a lot of other people here have struggled with, too. So maybe it will go away now?

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

You be you, Pinkie B.

The autism community abounds in diversity. You'll probably never meet two identical people with autism.

You are valid. You matter. If people tell you that you don't count, their insecurity is the problem; not your authenticity.

 

[JDShredds]

Thanks, peeps, for your replies. I'm just feeling really alone right now and after all my other failed attempts at not being alone, the loneliness of feeling like I'm not broken enough to be in this community was just, well, upsetting.

But it looks like it's something that a lot of other people here have struggled with, too. So maybe it will go away now?

There is a word I think you may want to remember: spectrum. There may be unifying characteristics that make up those on the spectrum, but it is vast, variable, and diverse. Hence the term spectrum.

One need not measure their own "brokenness" against others to feel a sense of belonging in a community such as this. If that were the case, the community would be toxic and pathological (would that even be worth your time?). After all, that kind mentality sounds like a race to the bottom. "Look how bad I have it!" That seems like a non-starter to me.

In my experience, this place is the opposite of that. We may all have challenges in common (and unique to ourselves, obviously) but its more about lifting each other up and having a community where people better understand your unique challenges. As far as I'm concerned, you belong because you sought it out and it called to you in the first place.