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I'm Crazy About Him

K

KimSayNamaste

Active Member
So I've been dating this guy for several months now. I'm crazy about him, notice he has a few quirks...seriously...nothing I can't deal with. One day, we're smoking on his porch and he tells me that he has some form of high functioning autism. I instantly accept this about him. I squeeze his hand tightly upon being able to tell by his demeanor that his admission of that fact was kind of difficult for him. In fact, in the months preceding our relationship, I've had some learning experiences surrounding autism. In FACT, I begin wondering...are some of the struggles that I have had in the past related to HFA also? What solidifies it all is wondering exactly what I can expect coming out of a relationship with someone that is a high functioning autist and then doing the research about it. I find that we identify about many of the things which turn out to be traits specific to HFA. Our seemingly graceful social habits are all learned behaviors, and our individual capacity for diverse intellectual obsession is an acceptable faucet in our relationship. We get that about one another, among many other things. Then I realize that there is no amount of dictionary definition that can truly lead me to understand what it truly means to be HFA. What I need is an interaction with others. It helps me most to understand things when I can talk them out, especially in a non-judgmental and objective space such as this forum. I'm crazy about this guy. He's brilliant and hilarious. He's sincere and positive. I want to make this work, and I need advice about what it really means to be a high functioning autist. What does it mean if he is and I am not? What does it mean if we both are? What can I expect being with somebody who has identified themselves in this way? I took the AQ I'm borderline, and I definitely don't have money for a formal diagnosis. Please submit your comments if you will. I certainly hope I have been sensitive enough in my wording as to propose no offense. If I have, please accept my deepest apologies. I would dearly appreciate your input and experience.
Thank you.
 
Truthfully, the best way to get to know what it's like to be HFA is to ask the guy. Everybody is different. Some things (as an example) like stimming are different for every person. The only adice I have for you is to remember that people with any form of ASD whether it be Aspergers, HFA or autism is to remember that social interation is not instinctive for us, often we've learned the correct response to a situation. If we've never learned a response because we've never discovered we're doing it "wrong", or if we've never encountered the situation before, we might not act in a way you would expect. You'll need to be patient and not be angry if he misunderstands. Take the time to explain things you think he's missed. For example: I asked my brother to help me shift a piece of furniture because I don't have a car. He told me he was working that day. I replied that was why I'd suggested the evening and he got angry at me. This is because rather than being literal he meant "I'm working and therefore I'll be tired." There are little things like that that can become problems if you aren't patient and clear in your communication.
 
The fact that you care enough to make this kind of effort is a great sign on its own. :) Trying to understand and being open to it is a monumental difference. Whether or not you truly "get it" in the empathetic sense of the world isn't nearly as important as you think - the fact that you accept it and are willing to make allowances and understand it are what truly matters. He's extremely lucky to have somebody as open and caring as yourself. :)

Having said that, I'm sure that by asking around, and, as Thea said, askin him will lead to a better understanding. A lot of it now is simply a case of time. :)
 
Hi Kim,
As long as you are accepting of his HFA, it is less likely to be a problem. You might want to read a book on female Aspergers by Tony Atwood to learn more. If I were you, I would focus more on reversing the Borderline traits as they are more likely to cause a problem. I used to have some Borderline traits, and improving those was most important in any relationship. Particularly around emotional validation and learning to specifically and objectively communicate healthy sadness and anger.
 
Thank you everyone. All of your input is being well considered and is furthermore greatly appreciated. @ Thea: you have given me some things to think about insofar as which areas of communication I can expect to alter for the sake of conducive conversation. I guess my question becomes where I can draw the line with him, like which things are a product of HFA and which things are not, but I suppose talking to him about his experiences will give me that key as both you and Rudy have suggested. Thanks again.
@Rudy you're a sweet dude. Sometimes a person just needs a little bit of encouragement and you have given it to me. I especailly appreciate your distinction between intellectual and empathic understanding. This is wildly valuable since it has made me realize that the empathic understanding will come with time and that what I am trying to do is force it. This will do no good for me, or the object of my affection. Thank you so much!
Atay: I have been working on my borderline traits for a long time, and have come a long way from them. The only difference is I now acknowledge them as such and have the added faucet of understanding that these traits may or may not be related to HFA. It's often difficult for me to approach certain subjects with others without being uncomfortable, and that is probably the thing I should work on most since it seems as though if I am to participate in a successful relationship with this man, then my communication skills need to be very sharp.
@anybody: No matter what, I know he is a wonderful man, and it makes me happy to be around him. Nothing changes that, and I'm honored that he felt comfortable sharing about himself with me.
 
Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships: 9781843107347: Medicine & Health Science Books @ Amazon.com

The above link is for a book about AS and long term relationships, it has some useful advice and it's popular enough you can probably find it in a library.

The diagnostic criteria for ASDs are mostly based around male Aspies, so women often get false-negatives on tests. There are a variety of online tests for ASDs which have some value, but note that you should be in a good mental state before you do such tests. A formal assessment can be cheaper than you imagine, some psychologists do it in an hour and you can often get medical insurance or government health-care to pay for part of it.

Often people are attracted to other people with similar personality traits. So you don't need to be an Aspie to want to date one, but being closer to an Aspie than the population average is going to be likely.
 
etbe said:
Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships: 9781843107347: Medicine & Health Science Books @ Amazon.com

The above link is for a book about AS and long term relationships, it has some useful advice and it's popular enough you can probably find it in a library.

The diagnostic criteria for ASDs are mostly based around male Aspies, so women often get false-negatives on tests. There are a variety of online tests for ASDs which have some value, but note that you should be in a good mental state before you do such tests. A formal assessment can be cheaper than you imagine, some psychologists do it in an hour and you can often get medical insurance or government health-care to pay for part of it.

Often people are attracted to other people with similar personality traits. So you don't need to be an Aspie to want to date one, but being closer to an Aspie than the population average is going to be likely.
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Thank you :)
 
I didn't realize this was a really old thread but when I got in a relationship with my wife and then married her I was unaware that I had ASD. It has been very challenging for her and she doesn't really understand the different aspects of me especially my need for routine. There also is the hyper focus on things that are challenging as well. Take the fact that he is very open with you as a definite plus.
 
Greg said:
I didn't realize this was a really old thread but when I got in a relationship with my wife and then married her I was unaware that I had ASD. It has been very challenging for her and she doesn't really understand the different aspects of me especially my need for routine. There also is the hyper focus on things that are challenging as well. Take the fact that he is very open with you as a definite plus.
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ello.. May want to hold off on the "definite plus' to find out if still together. Im gonna limb it and say .... no
 
I live with him now. We're really quite in love. When I wrote this post I was just trying to wrap my head around the whole HFA thing. Mostly, I notice, it manifests in a way that he just takes longer than most people to do certain things. The hyper-focus aspect combined with a propensity for imminent distraction is actually what makes him such a wonderful artist and he inspires me to be more for myself because of it. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that these manifestations were some of the things that had me falling for him in the first place, so I deemed it absurd to vex myself over it. Sometimes I need to practice a bit of patience, but I've got plenty of that in stock anyway, and he's every bit worth it.
 
KimSayNamaste said:
I live with him now. We're really quite in love. When I wrote this post I was just trying to wrap my head around the whole HFA thing. Mostly, I notice, it manifests in a way that he just takes longer than most people to do certain things. The hyper-focus aspect combined with a propensity for imminent distraction is actually what makes him such a wonderful artist and he inspires me to be more for myself because of it. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that these manifestations were some of the things that had me falling for him in the first place, so I deemed it absurd to vex myself over it. Sometimes I need to practice a bit of patience, but I've got plenty of that in stock anyway, and he's every bit worth it.
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Ha... good deal... Pessimism is pointless, clearly
 
This is rare, most women would dump a man who has autism or avoid him like the plague after finding out.
 
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