I'm a friend, but I want to be more

[KwiSpen]

Hello all. I'm sorry I only post when I have a problem, but I'm a bit lost and looking for advice from fellow aspies; I know I can always count on you. Anyway, I've known a girl for about a year and a half, and it was like a love at first sight kind of deal. She was sweet as sugar, sharp as a tack, and witty like Oscar Wilde, not to mention beautiful. We go to the same college, have been in some of the same classes for three semesters, but that's about it. We are friends, don't get me wrong, but we don't see each other much outside of class. I just saw her in a play, she's an actress, and I was enthralled. I was so taken, I wanted to slap the taste out of the mouth of the actor that was "deflowering" her, staged of course. Luckily I didn't express this outwardly as I was sitting next to her mother, very nice lady by the way (kindness begets kindness, a lesson I learned both on the forum and with the mother and daughter). But I can't stop thinking about her, and can't help but think others are too. I think she's single, and I want to get to know her better, but I'm afraid to make a move, and if I don't make a move, someone else will, and I'll be stuck in the friendzone for life. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I want to progress as well. Help!

Sidenote, she's one of the few people on campus who know I have Asperger's. I broke down in a class and left. She offered her notes to copy. I figured she deserved an explanation of why I was so anxious and awkward in class.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I know I'm NT. Anyway, I was going to say if you know her Mama and her Mama likes you - that's half of the battle. If someone was in good with my Ma they would have a lot more chance with me!

 

[KwiSpen]

Sorry, sort of new, what's NT? Anyway, I'm a bit paranoid about how her mother relayed to her that when she mentioned who her daughter was, I lit up like a light bulb. Like literally went from :| to if that makes sense. First time using those things. It doesn't seem natural.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Sorry, sort of new, what's NT? Anyway, I'm a bit paranoid about how her mother relayed to her that when she mentioned who her daughter was, I lit up like a light bulb. Like literally went from :| to if that makes sense. First time using those things. It doesn't seem natural.

NT (neurotypical) means I'm not an Aspie - I'm batting for the other team.

That's funny when you said you lit up like a lightbulb. So I guess that means you haven't had any long winded conversations with her Ma?

Does she know what Aspergers is?
What did she think when you told her?

 

[KwiSpen]

OK. Thanks for telling me.

The four of us (me, my friend, my crush, and her mother) chatted for quite a while, shot the breeze about a ton of stuff at school. Before the crush came, though, she mentioned who her daughter was, and I was elated.

She definitely knows what Asperger's is, and it doesn't seem to have affected our friendship. She says she has a relative with the condition.

She didn't seem fazed by it. She also said I didn't have to tell her if I didn't want to, which I found a bit odd.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

OK. Thanks for telling me.

The four of us (me, my friend, my crush, and her mother) chatted for quite a while, shot the breeze about a ton of stuff at school. Before the crush came, though, she mentioned who her daughter was, and I was elated.

She definitely knows what Asperger's is, and it doesn't seem to have affected our friendship. She says she has a relative with the condition.

She didn't seem fazed by it. She also said I didn't have to tell her if I didn't want to, which I found a bit odd.

Huh. For some reason she thought you'd want to keep it a secret.
Anyway, the cats outta the bag so to speak. She knows which is a good thing I believe. How long have you been friends? And what do you guys do as friends?

 

[KwiSpen]

We've been friends for a year and a half. We talk a lot. I provided a listening ear when she was stressed about the production, she provided me with understanding when I needed it. She's awesome.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

You go out and do things like the movies? What activities do you do together?

 

[Sylar]

You're just going to have get her on her own and have a talk about how you feel. It will be extremely difficult and uncomfortable, and there's a good chance you won't like what she has to say but it does need to happen or you are only going to feel worse over time, and possibly even start to make her feel bad. Just get it over with and prepare for whatever she has to say. From an outsider's perspective it does seem like a one-sided thing, you say you don't see much of each other outside of the class(es) you have together which makes it sound like she's really just a friendly classmate rather than an actual friend. She may already have a boyfriend or even a girlfriend, she could have feelings for you or not, the point is that you won't know until you try.

You say you don't want to be stuck in the friend zone but unless you make your feelings clear to her you're not getting out of it. If she's interested, great. If not you will get over her pretty fast, although that may seem unlikely to you now. Good luck.

 

[KwiSpen]

Nurseangela, we don't do much together outside of class. We've worked on projects together, though.

Sylar, I've had enough classes with her to know a good deal about her, and vice versa. Plus, we were in the same Freshman Orientation group, in which we learned a lot about each other, and hung out a good deal. Is that not friendship? Other than that, I think you're spot on. I'm going to have to tell her how I feel; the questions are when, and how will she react. I don't want her to think less of me.
PS, Evil Abed is Awesome!

 

[wyverary]

First of all, you need to find a way to socialize with her outside of class. First step? Ask her if she wants to hang out sometime. Something benign, even just sitting together in the dining hall. See if she really likes you as a friend vs. viewing you as someone fun to talk to during school activities.

 

[KwiSpen]

What would we do though? We do meet up in the dining hall sometimes by coincidence and chat. What more can I do? What's the best idea to gauge how she feels?

 

[Warmheart]

How about a classic car show? I'm a girly female, and I love those! Or go to the aquarium then out to a seafood dinner. What about an exhibit at the science museum? Anything fun. She'll quite likely know it's a date, because she's NT.
If she says she's busy on Wednesday, immediately have a back-up day in mind "Okay, how about next Monday, then?" If she's busy still, she may be trying to say "No, thank you." However, is she offers a day she is free, then she's likely interested. You can do this! Best of luck!

 

[Suiseiseki]

Not something I would ever attempt, I had before and it didn't go very well, rather humiliating actually, so I don't much speak to her anymore and am very distant, I doubt she cares.

 

[KwiSpen]

Warmheart, she's sort of artsy, so should I get tickets to a theatre or something? Wednesday, I'm going home. We wouldn't be able to make plans until next semester, due to finals. But I'll keep it in mind. I hope not to dwell on it, but I'm sure I will.

Suiseiseki, it will ruin our friendship? I don't think I want to do it then. Please, someone talk me out of that. I really like her. I'm so confused.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

A date alone with her will either make or break whatever you two have (I don't see it as a "friendship" yet). Get a small group together and since she likes theater, go to something like a dinner theater or a play of some sort. She needs to get to know you more and the best way is a group situation. Even the movies would be good. That way you can see if she hangs around more with you and has fun with you away from school. It's also a good way to strengthen whatever you have into a stronger friendship before you try to make it more than that. At this point, it just may scare her off and ruin what you do have.

Also, keep going to watch her whenever she's in a play and hang around her Ma. Don't forget to give her compliments on her performances. Women love compliments. I know it's hard for Aspies but a smile and eye contact go a long ways.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Generally I wouldn't recommend such a thing to an AS person because they're not as good at reading people and the like.
It certainly ruined my friendship and I never actually even told her (she called me an anorexic rather out of nowhere so I kind of got the message, maybe she knew, I donno).
Point is, I'd never recommend it, unless it was a sure thing.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Do something before Christmas. They have a lot of Christmas plays usually. I've always wanted to see The Nutcracker and still haven't been able to. Came close but I got sick that night. Maybe someday.....

 

[KwiSpen]

nureangela, That's as close to a friend as I have pretty much. I don't know how to round up a posse though, but I think she has one, and I think my best option would be to infiltrate it. How, I don't know. Probably be more vested in the theater myself. I have no time for a Christmas play, finals are hard and we study a lot. The next play is next semester though, and auditions are open. I'm pretty much guaranteed a role in the production since they're always understaffed, whether it's on stage or behind the scenes.

Suiseiseki, it sounds like your "friend" wasn't too nice to begin with, and lashed out because of your expression of emotion. My crush wouldn't do that, I know.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I didn't really show much emotion, nor did I really treat her any differently then any of my other friends, maybe she thought I did? Not sure.
Doesn't matter really, I've tried going out with other girls, failed spectacularly but at the end of the day i can be glad I didn't waste much money on her or with her.