I Wish I Was Mute

[Galaxy Freeze]

Hey guys, so I had a really bad day today. I feel like crying right now, I'm so done with the people in this house, and I'll tell you why:
We started off visiting my mom's loud, obnoxious relatives (and that's not just from an Aspie's point of view) today. I got overstimulated several times, and almost got a meltdown once. And my mom, being the person who claims to know how my Asperger's works but clearly doesn't, of course gets all annoyed with it and doesn't help me at all. (She really is the one who pushes all my "annoyance" buttons at home) On the drive home, I apologized to her for my weird behavior and she seemed fine with it. I thought everything was all good, but of course when we get home, we jump right into another unnecessary fight. That always seems to happen, but I wanted to be extra careful today. It turns out that it really backfired on me this time.

After we did arrive back at the house, she sat on the couch to read for awhile and I went into my room to check my email and all that stuff. Then, I decided to handle my snake and take her out to the living room to sit and relax on the couch. I sat on the same couch my mom did, but I said nothing. I was just holding my snake and petting her head. She started off by asking me if I wanted any dinner, I told her no. Then I told my mom, since she wants me to tell her this stuff, that I was going to feed the snake tonight. Of course, I mumble a lot and she kept asking me to repeat myself. I'm going to recall the conversation exactly how it was, and you guys tell me who's fault this was. Because frankly, I'm a little confused and frustrated.

Me (after she asks me about dinner): "I'm going to feed Xoey tonight."
Her: "Again? I thought you just fed her last week!"
Me: "Well, my calender says it's been two weeks..." *Shrugs*
Her: "Yeah, but it seems like you just did it a couple of days ago."
Me: "Do you think I should wait another week?"
Her: *Slams down her magazine* "GODDAMN IT, TERESA! WILL YOU STOP TREATING ME LIKE THAT?!"
Me: "...Like what?"
Her: I'M JUST TRYING TO RELAX!!! *Gets up and storms away*
Me: "All I asked you was if I should wait another week!"
Her: "I DON'T KNOW! I'M JUST TRYING TO RELAX!"

I then got up and went to my room, her outburst had scared my poor snake. Then I heard her screaming "UUUUUGGGHHH!" and I heard something break in the kitchen. Oh my god, I hate it when she reacts like this. Confused? I am too, but I think I know where I messed up. I messed up when I said "Do you think I should wait another week?" Because I said in a slightly different tone, and I THINK she thought I was saying it in a sarcastic way to make her sound stupid, when I was really honestly asking her. That's what irks me, though. And it's one of my biggest issues when talking to people, not being able to be taken the right way because my tone is just SLIGHTLY off. This has happened numerous times with my parents, but this time it was really bad. At least I've learned to always ask people if I am confused at one of their remarks, "...Are you being sarcastic?"

She could have asked me that, but no. She just takes me the wrong way and blows up, complaining about her life and her never being able to relax. And she DOES get to relax a lot more than she thinks. I'm the only kid in the house, and she doesn't have a job. She hangs out with her friends all the time and I always see her sitting down and reading or eating! She's been an awful thorn in my side my entire life. Especially lately. I had already been considering trying to work on being a much quieter person, and now it's certain. I'm just done with talking to people because this is always what happens. Maybe not people in general, but at least with family because that's who I have the most conflict with. When I was sitting in my room afterwards I just thought to myself, "Wow, how often do I even come out of my room, let alone actually TALK to my parents?" I hope Mom knows that every time this stupid **** happens, it only repels me further from communicating with her. It only silences me MORE, and makes me more reclusive, know what I mean?

That's why I've felt so lonely tonight. Every good conversation quickly turns into a screaming match, and I've tried to keep myself positive but these fights are just inevitable! Mom and I make an awful cocktail, and I don't know what to do anymore besides just trying to keep my mouth shut around her as much as possible. And yes, I have tried to speak with her seriously, or write her notes for many years, but it never works.

Sorry about this long post... I feel like an idiot. For me, conversations with her are like a very complex road map, ONE little mess up and everything just goes wrong. The question is... is there something wrong with ME or HER? Probably both of us. But do you guys have any suggestions that might help me? Right now, the only thing I can think of is just keep quiet until senior year is over, then I'll go to college and be away from her for a long time. But of course, if she notices me being mute, she'll ask me what's wrong. I'll be honest with her, and then it'll start ANOTHER fight. See how this is a vicious cycle? It happens very regularly, sadly.

 

[King_Oni]

Just reading this story I'm inclined to say something is wrong with her. If she's having an agressive "meltdown" over the smallest things, I don't think it's really your fault. Any of the examples you give are perfectly reasonable for you to ask without the need to be screamed at for.

If she already thinks that being asked something interferes with her ability to relax I really wonder what her idea of relaxation is and better yet, how she thinks this applies to the real world. And since you state there's nothing really going on in her life I don't see any pointers why she should be that stressed out. I was like that, when I had a 40+ hour job a week... and even then I wasn't like that all the time when I wasn't working.

Perhaps she needs to get out and get a job and actually deal with more stress so she can put "wanting to relax" in perspective. Of course it's easier said than done, but a lot of people react terrible to being unemployed. A lot people will get on other peoples nerves for practically no reason, and this seems like perfect example.

As for advice; Well.. I think this situation is detrimental for your personal wellbeing and if anything I'd see if there's a way out of there. People acting like this will, at some point cause way too much negative experiences to actually deal with any person. Is there some kind of social worker (a company or something along those lines) in your area that you can contact, explain this and ask what realistic options you have. I don't know if moving out is an option for you. Or moving in with relatives.

It might be a bit harder for myself to give advice in that regard, since I'm not from your country, let alone your state (which, forgive my ignorance, sounds like it has a lot of snow... and nothing but snow, heh. Blame media portrayal of Alaska)

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

Thanks for your feedback, King_Oni. Anyway, yeah I've always thought that something was wrong with her, I just don't know what... I'll find out eventually. I do think she's suffering with Empty Nest Syndrome, but that's a whole different issue.

You read my mind about the relaxation part. I just thought to myself yesterday, "Does she even know what relaxing is???" I'll try to think of the things going on in her life that I know of... let's see she does housework (a lot less than she claims, though), even week or so she goes to run errands and part of those errands is exercising (which she enjoys because she can talk with friends), and every Wednesday she visits my uncle to help him with his laundry, etc. (He has a mental illness, but he's really sweet). Other than that, though... I think she doesn't know how bad other moms have it. Some don't even have ANY time to relax at home, and she's fortunate. Yet she's always the one telling me how fortunate I am... Hmm.

Yes, I have suggested her finding a job. She just won't do it, because guess what? Mom: "I ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH WORK TO DO AROUND HERE!" ...Yeeah... Dad and I know she'll just blowup at that, so we have suggested her finding a hobby (she seems to be very good at piano and has an interest in the arts). Her parents forbid her to go to Art College and instead made her do business. It'd be nice if she could just focus on her art pursuing and at least make it a hobby for herself. Still, Dad and I told her once, "Kim, you really should get a hobby or something." She just laughs it off, "Hahaha, maybe when we move to Oregon!" (My parents are planning on moving there in about one or two years) She doesn't sound very certain though, and she isn't taking us seriously. It's still a good idea though, if she actually does find a hobby/job. She was actually thinking about starting a Bed and Breakfast in Oregon, so hopefully that'd work out... I'm crossing my fingers.

Yeah, that's okay, lol. Your post made me feel a bit better and gave a clearer outlook on this whole shenanigans. And yeah, I live in the Anchorage area, and it's actually pretty warm during the summertime, around 70 degrees. The snow is mostly during the rest of the year.

 

[King_Oni]

Wait... there's a dad involved as well??

Not to discredit your dad a lot, but he clearly isn't wearing the pants in the house if your mom can get away with such behaviour. Or is he working a lot (or from home a lot)?

She claims she has enough to do here? There are plenty of working moms, that might even be single that do a lot more. I mean, my mom had a fulltime job and did a few courses on the side... on top of a household when I was a child. My dad worked shifts, my grandfather lived at our house, so we had a 4 person household... and she never complained. And yes, everybody is different. Some people deal with situations different. But from my perspective, reading about it, it looks like your mom not really in a position to argue about "having too much to do".

I find it interesting to read she wants to move to Oregon and start a Bed and Breakfast... considering she's already complaining about the effort a household requires of her. A household; including husband and children, does not stop because you run a business.

I should however add in; having it all come down to just your mom isn't right either I guess. But I'm judging this just on what I read here.

Maybe I'm not wellversed in laws regarding marriage, but I take it your mom gets money from somewhere to do these activities outside of the house? Like excercising and/or hanging out with friends. In our househould my mom kinda keeps track of the money, and my dad just gets X amount of money to go have some fun. If that's all gone, it's gone for the month.. it's like pocket money I guess. Guess that would force some people to get a job to have more money to do stuff. I might add, my dad can't work anymore, so him getting a job for more isn't an option. But hearing from you, your mom is in perfect condition to work... except for her attitude, lol.

In a way yes, she's fortunate in that she doesn't need a job to make ends meet. That might just as well change overnight someday if your dad thinks her behaviour isn't helping anyone.

 

[Soup]

Sounds like there's nothing wrong with you or anything you said. This person sounds a little un-hinged to me.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

@King_Oni: My dad does work a lot, he's never around or he just sits in his office. He gets pretty annoyed by our fights sometimes, though.

Yup, you're right and I agree. I don't know why she complains so much and acts like she deserves sympathy. Me, my dad, and my sister all have a type of disorder (I'm Autistic, my dad has Depression, and my older sister is Bipolar), and she complains about being surrounded by us "negative people" even though she's being a total hypocrite by saying that, and she denies that she has a possible disorder as well. Still, like I said earlier, we just don't know which.

I know, right? I even told her this, "Why do you want to start a Bed and Breakfast? That's so random and it seems like something you'd hate." But I never really understood her response, she either just laughs it off, changes the subject as usual, or just says something like, "I think it'd be fun!" ...Hmmm. You have a good point though, and that's what I think, too! I can't really change her decision though, I mean they can do whatever when they're away from me...

Don't worry about it, your points are very valid. What I typed up there is practically her normal behavior in a nutshell. And yeah, my dad makes most of the money. My mom used to have a job about 10 years ago when I couldn't really remember. My dad's a very experienced electrical engineer who consults for big companies and Mom used to be a property management or real estate agent or something. (Can't quite remember what it's called) Yeah, I really do want her to get a job, it'd distract her from being such an annoying micro-manager around the house and always focusing on and criticizing me. Sometimes I'm afraid to even walk past her to get a snack because I know she'll nitpick or ask me all these dumb questions. Or... start a fight, of course. I always love it when she's out of the house for a day, it's a real breath of fresh air for me. It gives me a hint of what freedom I'll experience in a year or so, I'm just having such trouble getting through the waiting right now.

Dad and I have talked about this, but I don't really think he has taken the time to sit down and discuss it seriously with her. He's just too busy...:/

@Soup: Yeah... thanks for your comment. I am thinking more clearly about it now, and I am pretty sure that was her fault (mainly, at least). Sometimes, I admit, the fights are my fault, but lately it's been the opposite. At least I've been trying to change my attitude but she hasn't done crap to hers. She doesn't understand that it takes both of us to fix our problems.

 

[Ravkrat]

just from personal exp,been silent for about five years now and only just starting to be able to talk to family and order food at restaurants( <- the most annoying thing in my life =.=),it's really not worth it sure short spouts of silence.. just >.> don't do what i did.

 

[MoCoffee]

I often wish I was mute. I wouldn't have to worry all the time that I might say the wrong thing. I feel like I have to "make conversation" which is incredibly difficult for me. No more regret that I've accidentally offended or hurt someone by my words. No "talk" therapy, just peace and quiet. It sounds wonderful to me!

 

[Judge]

I often wish I was mute. I wouldn't have to worry all the time that I might say the wrong thing. I feel like I have to "make conversation" which is incredibly difficult for me. No more regret that I've accidentally offended or hurt someone by my words. No "talk" therapy, just peace and quiet. It sounds wonderful to me!

I hear that. It's depressing for me to think about the exhausting mental effort I have to put into communication at times...and all the inevitable follow-up of analyzing things if and when something goes wrong in the process.

It really doesn't happen to me much any more, probably as a result of being in self-imposed isolation. I have a better handle on it in general, but I'm still acutely aware of how draining it has been on me most of my life. More often than not, silence is "golden".