I will adapt only if it reduces my battles

[Nervous Rex]

I'm still absorbing the the news that I'm high-functioning autistic (I was told this by a counselor one month ago, today). I've been spending a lot of time looking at my behaviors and deficits and trying to decide what things I try to change and what things I accept and expect others to accept. I like rules, so here's my rule:

I will adapt only if adapting reduces my battles.

A few examples:
1) I constantly fidget. I can keep it low-key enough that it's (usually) not a distraction. No one has complained and changing that behavior would be a large effort for a small effect. The smaller battle is to let myself fidget and apologize if it does happen to distract or annoy someone.

2) I struggle at work to be focused and productive, which causes me a great deal of insecurity and anxiety. The battle to learn better work habits 40 working hours a week is less than the battle to calm my nerves 116 waking hours a week if I'm always worried about how I'm doing. So adapting at work is a battle I'm fighting.

I'm looking at all my quirks and deficiencies this way - which decision reduces the number and the magnitude of the battles I have to fight. If I am flat-out incapable of changing something, then the battle to change that is effectively infinite, and my choice has to be not to change. It's also not always a binary choice - there can be a lot of coping strategies and I can choose the one that most reduces my battles.

What do you think? Is there a different rule you use to decide when to adapt?

 

[Judge]

What do you think? Is there a different rule you use to decide when to adapt?

Interesting question. I wouldn't say I have any steadfast "rules" when it comes to masking my traits and behaviors. Only that I never lose sight of the reality that for me, this is merely a form of charade meant only to accommodate those around me, primarily to control and limit ridicule directed against me.

That mimicry and masking is not and should not ever be considered a form of real change. Simply because it isn't. It's just the illusion of change to limit those mentalities bent on making me conform to social standards that more often than not are simply alien to me and always will be.

For me, interestingly enough with self-awareness I find myself inclined to mask my traits and behaviors less as time goes on. But then the degree of socialization in my present life has been greatly diminished from what it once was, revolving largely around work when these days I'm pretty much retired.

 

[Progster]

If I'm not actually harming anyone, I see no reason why I should change my behaviour. So If I were disturbing someone with my music being too loud, for example, I would stop, but I wouldn't change just to please other people.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Also note that I'm including masking, mimicking, and pretending as well as truly changing. Both are battles.

Masking, mimicking, and pretending is going to be a constant battle because it's never internalized or made second nature. So the question is, is it easier on me to maintain a false behavior or image for some limited duration (over and over and over as the occasions necessitate), or is it easier for me to just be me and deal with the reactions of others? I don't believe I will ever truly change the "busyness" my mind craves and which I satisfy with fidgeting. However, I can do it under the table, change it to doodling, or retreat into mental math problems when I need. That reduces my battle by letting me still crank the ever-demanding windmill of my mind while not appearing rude or being a distraction in meetings. It's not a true change, but it minimizes my battle.

As for truly changing, I have to believe there are some things that I can change. After all, I learned to read, pay bills, and do all the other adult things. So, I can learn. But, I have to acknowledge that, just like some people struggle with dyslexia, there are some things that I will always struggle with and learn more slowly than others. So the questions are: Can I change this? How much of a battle is it to change this? Is that less than the battle I am currently fighting?

 

[Judge]

Masking, mimicking, and pretending is going to be a constant battle because it's never internalized or made second nature.

Well said. It outlines why the process is inherently stressful and often exhausting for me.

It never becomes routine. Because it never can be routine. A "constant battle" indeed. Becoming self-aware allowed me to truly understand why even my most successful and satisfying social interactions could still be so exhausting.

Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again

- Gordon Lightfoot, "Sundown"

 

[Gritches]

If you're just starting out, coping with the major stuff is probably the way to go. I coped my way to almost-normal. Keep on coping, but just remember that merely coping won't do it 100% if your goal is to appear normal enough and avoid ridicule/abuse. I consider coping to be only half the battle; the other half is dealing with what you can't cope away.

For instance, even though I coped my way to almost-normal, I was still an arrogant ass (which is different from being a d*). I turned that into self-confidence. In terms of motor skills, I still walked a little funny, but I turned it into a strut/swagger instead of correcting it by eliminating it, because I couldn't correct it by eliminating it.

No amount of coping will get rid of the fact that I can't stand tight clothes, so instead I wear baggy clothes; they go well with my new confidence and swagger. I was worried about how I smell, but I find showering to be distressing, so I started taking dry baths with wet-wipes 50% of the time (replacing every-other shower).

My point is that eliminating behaviors is only half of changing. You can keep the stuff you can't eliminate, you just have to twist it into something for acceptable. Or live with the consequences. Whichever.

 

[Coupe]

I agree that one shouldn't have to feel the need to change/stop a behavior if it is helpful to them, it fills a need, and doesn't harm themselves or anyone else. However, there have been times when my stimming (vocal stimming, jumping around, throwing a balled-up sock against the wall, banging on a cookie tin like a drum) has conflicted with the needs of other people, and when this has been brought to my attention, I have redirected myself to other stims (rocking, playing with a stim toy, or petting a soft stuffed animal) that are just as beneficial - kind of like @Progster 's example of turning the volume of music down when someone asks.

Sometimes compromise *is* necessary, but you shouldn't have to completely stop doing what makes you comfortable or what your brain/neurology needs if it's simply the case that others just find it "unusual," if that makes sense. I also do realize that there are those who may not be able to redirect their stimming, and their needs are important, as well.

I still struggle with this sometimes, myself....I feel shy about having any of my stim toys/comfort items out in the open when I need them, since I have been shamed/made fun of for carrying stuffed animals and practicing my own kind of self-care in the past. However, there have been times when I have felt emboldened enough to hold one of my stuffed animals even when other people are around - once was when I held/stimmed with one of my mini Tsum Tsums during a concert. Another time was when I went with my dad and stepmom to see a movie on Christmas Day, and I felt comfortable having my small stuffed Jellycat elephant, Baby Elly, sitting on my lap the whole time. I'd bought Baby Elly at the airport about a week prior and she's fast become one of my comfort items.

 

[Progster]

Also note that I'm including masking, mimicking, and pretending as well as truly changing. Both are battles.

Masking, mimicking, and pretending is going to be a constant battle because it's never internalized or made second nature. So the question is, is it easier on me to maintain a false behavior or image for some limited duration (over and over and over as the occasions necessitate), or is it easier for me to just be me and deal with the reactions of others? I don't believe I will ever truly change the "busyness" my mind craves and which I satisfy with fidgeting. However, I can do it under the table, change it to doodling, or retreat into mental math problems when I need. That reduces my battle by letting me still crank the ever-demanding windmill of my mind while not appearing rude or being a distraction in meetings. It's not a true change, but it minimizes my battle.

As for truly changing, I have to believe there are some things that I can change. After all, I learned to read, pay bills, and do all the other adult things. So, I can learn. But, I have to acknowledge that, just like some people struggle with dyslexia, there are some things that I will always struggle with and learn more slowly than others. So the questions are: Can I change this? How much of a battle is it to change this? Is that less than the battle I am currently fighting?

When I was younger, before I was diagnosed, I needed to be independent, find a job, work, and do all the things necessary to function in the NT world, and to do that I did need to surpress some traits, tendencies of complusions, and I tried to mask my true feelings, to mimick or pretend. But I never was particularly good at it. Since diagnosis, and since working for myself and not other people, I don't feel the need to do so, certainly not with family or in social situations. But as I stated earlier, I wouldn't want to do things that would affect other people's funtioning, so if I know that my music or stimming was preventing someone from concentrating and doing their job, I would stop. I don't want to be a bad person. If it's the case that they are objecting to the behaviour just because I'm not fitting in with their idea of 'normal', then that's different: I wouldn't change myself just to fit their idea of normal. I don't see why I should have to.

I stim openly, and there are some things I just can't do: I can't join in conversations, I can't talk like other people, I can't communicate with body language, facial expressions and emotions like they can, I can't pretend or fake an emotion I don't actually feel, I can't do banter, I will always respond with my emotion, which may or may not be the expected emotion. It's impossible because I don't process as fast as they do. So masking, mimicking and pretending will only go so far anyway.