I think my semi-ex-girlfriend may be in the spectrum somewhere. How do I know?

[Tikko4]

Ok, this is probably going to require a lot of background on everything/everyone so please bare with me. I also want to acknowledge that it is my ignorance that brought me here to ask question and gain the proper knowledge and that I do not intend to be offensive so please bare with me if I say something that seems stupid or ignorant. I'm just really concerned about her and want to gain knowledge to figure out what exactly it is that is abnormal about her so I can understand her better.
So here it goes...

Not too long ago I learned about Asperger's in my psychology class. After learning the general idea from a clinical position I realized my cousin was a very clear case of AS. My cousin and I were living together at the time and fighting constantly so I brought it up to members of our family to ask their points of view before talking to him about it. We got together and talked to him about it and he was eventually diagnosed. I would ask him these questions but he and I aren't currently on speaking terms due to an unrelated dispute. It'll pass and we'll get along again eventually like we always do but I'm worried about my "it's extremely complicated" ex-girlfriend/girlfriend.

She is having an extremely difficult time in her life right now. After long discussions, I'm starting to see similar characteristics to what my cousins issues are but she's a little bit different.
She does make eye contact (which he didn't until recently) but her mom forced her to make eye contact all the time when she was a kid because she used to have a problem doing that so I don't know how much that matters in her case.
She and I have had severe difficulties in our relationship. Our relationship has been off and on our entire lives. After being apart for several years we're now talking again and I found out that she has had the same relationship problems with everyone she's been with.
She is able to feel sympathy and overall she's not crazy so I'm almost positive we've ruled out psychopathy.
I'm wondering if she is somewhere in the area of Asperger's. She doesn't have insurance and I've been told it is very difficult to diagnose at her age anyway (she is 26). I didn't notice her lack of empathy for a long time because she is able to sympathize. I mistook sympathy for empathy for a long time but the more we talk about what's going on in her life and what's going on in her head, the more it seems like she's having a problem there.
She loves me, so she doesn't lack the ability to love. She doesn't, however, ever seem to understand that I love her. That doesn't mean she has anything either but with everything else it seems like it might be related to what ever is abnormal in her psyche.

She thinks I'm being mean when I playfully tease her, she constantly misses the point in jokes, she seems emotional yet emotionally detached (it's hard for me to comprehend but it's true), she can't keep friends, she is clumsy, she misreads my body language constantly, sometimes she doesn't get the point that I'm mad at her and sometimes she thinks I'm mad at her when I'm not, she's energetic (sometimes even when she's depressed, which she seems to be a lot)... I know I'm probably not giving enough information but:
What should I look for to see if she might have Asperger's? Do you know of something else that it might be, that I should look into?

I'm really worried about her and want to know what's wrong so I can be more understanding.
I learned about it in class and read up after that but I'm sure you, who actually deal with it, understand it more than the doctors who wrote my textbook.

 

[AlKoch]

speaking from personal experience i think the most distinct symptom is the shutdowns... those times when you just want to shut off life and get away from everyone in the world and be alone... just run and hide in a quiet place where you can think about life and noone else can find you...

also, pretty sure the eye contact thing is mostly a myth.

 

[epath13]

If she doesn't have insurance I would suggest trying to contact your local Autism organizations and see if someone can help there. I'm 33 years old and was diagnosed last year. It's not that hard to get diagnosed if a doctor specializes in spectrum disorders (familiar with new developments in that area as well), if she remembers her childhood well enough and if she can describe symptoms reasonably well. I know some people are not as lucky as I am, but it's worth a try. For me it took one 3 hour visit to get a diagnosis. But I've got a son who's on the spectrum, so it did put me in a higher "risk" group but still...
I think the hardest thing is for a person like this (at least it was for me) is that you've got all those issues and you don't understand why you're having them. In this case diagnosis can be very helpful. Do you think it's possible to find a large Autism organization in Detroit? I've heard life is pretty tough there. But it's not all that bad hopefully?
Anyway even if she after all the search for help still can't get diagnosed, I would suggest to learn more about spectrum disorders. As about organizations, even if she can't get a diagnosis through them, they might help her out with information and emotionally.
I've been struggling with my brain all my life, and I'm sure that if I was diagnosed and supported property since childhood my life would be easier but it's better late than never.
Good luck!

 

[Geordie]

Tikko4, hopefully your girl gets support for autism. And you might be interested to know that Tigers are my favorite AL team.

 

[Tikko4]

AlKoch, that is one of the key details I should have mentioned.
She keeps telling me exactly what you said. She keeps saying she wants to run (again). She says she has to get away from everything and everyone and be alone. She's come to know her self well enough that she even said to me last night, "I wanna see you one more time." Those are strange words from someone who is otherwise intentionally working her way back INTO my life.
She is going through a lot though which is making it difficult to identify which characteristics are lifelong traits and which are based on her stress. Some of the stress is her own doing and some of it is beyond her control.
Her uncle hung him self a few years ago and more recently she left the father of her children (because she "had to run and get away from everyone") and came back to their house to pick up some of her clothes and found him hanging in the garage. She was able to resuscitate him but it left an emotional impact. She said the part that bothers her is that she doesn't think she should have been so calm when she cut him down, gave him mouth to mouth, and called 911. I'm not trying to put her business out there to the world but that's why it's difficult to base her symptoms on her current behavior.
Like I said, I'm not blaming any particular action on a disorder she may or may not have for certain but something has always been "off" about her and I really want to find out what it is so I can help her get her life together. Even if that life ends up not being with me in the end.

epath13, thanks for the information. I'll look for a local organization that may be able to help. Yes, it is as bad as the media makes it out to be here but hopefully we can find help for her despite our crumbled economy and assistance cutbacks by conservatives. Thank you.

Thanks, Geordie. Most of us here are Red Wings fans over all. lol

 

[Geordie]

Something to cheer us all up:

View attachment 1228View attachment 1229View attachment 1230View attachment 1231

It must be the titles...

 

[epath13]

You're a good man Tikko4!
Hopefully you guys will be able to find answers and solutions...

As for her worrying about the reaction. If she's on the spectrum it would be considered pretty typical reaction. From what I've heard and from personal experience I learned that people on the spectrum tend to stay unusually calm in critical situations. I don't think it's true for everyone but it seems to be true for a lot of people.

How does she feel about getting help? Does she want to get diagnosed?

 

[Geordie]

Good people deserves better relationships.

View attachment 1273

 

[Spinning Compass]

From what you describe it does sound like she exhibits spectrum traits. But, in direct answer to your question, you really can't tell for sure. And, it also depends on how open she is to getting a diagnosis.

Because of the stigma that is still attached to mental conditions of all kinds, this is an area you should enter with care. I'd feel her out on the subject first. How does she feel about autism, what does she know about it, what does she think. Find ways of bringing up the subject that don't involve her, just autism and autistic people in general. How she reacts should give you a clue as to what to say next. Some people can get really hostile and angry if you even hint that they might have something of that nature. Some people are prejudiced against mentally handicapped people in general. Listen to the way she talks. For example, does she use derogatory words for people who exhibit spectrum traits, like retard or sped or whatever the latest insult du jour may be.

Also, getting a diagnosis may not be the simple and easy thing that some people make it out to be. So you have to consider before raising the issue with her, is this something that is realistic considering her situation? Will it do more harm than good? Or are you raising expectations that may not be able to be met. Sure, I'd like to get a diagnosis, for closure, but it is way down my list of priorities at this moment.

Good luck.