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Ladybird2013

New Member
Hello!

This is my first post on this forum, so I am a bit nervous, and I’m sorry if I don’t do this “right.”

I recently watched a video by a woman with Asperger’s syndrome, and all of a sudden, it was like a shroud was lifted from my head. She talked about masking, and how pervasive it is particularly for autistic girls and women. This sparked a fever in me to research autism and Asperger’s in adult women.

After hours of reading, suddenly my need to recoil in a dark room in the fetal position for hours (oftentimes, days) at a time after going to the grocery store, meeting up with family or friends, or going to a doctor appointment made sense. My penchant for having all the curtains drawn in my house and my adoration of cloudy, rainy days made sense. My need to prepare scripts and visualize my posturing prior to virtually any social interaction made sense. I’m pretty darn sure I’m on the autism spectrum.

The completely ironic thing is that I’m professionally trained as a speech-language pathologist; I’m an expert in communication and autism spectrum disorders. Why did it take 30 years for it to occur to me that maybe I am on the spectrum?! Well now that I think about it, it didn’t. Growing up, particularly in high school and college, I would “joke” to my mom that maybe I was autistic. But I was “very good” socially! I was extremely empathetic! I couldn’t be autistic! (Insert eye roll here ). I now realize I had very gender biased, stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like.

I was a very high achieving student. I graduated at the top of my class in high school, undergrad, and graduate school. But after 3 attempts over the course of 4 years to work as a speech-language pathologist, I finally acknowledged that working in the environments available to me was not an option. I attributed this to my diagnosis of treatment resistant depression. Now I strongly believe it is because I am on the spectrum.

I absolutely love speech and language. I love studying people’s speech and language patterns, diagnosing their difficulties, writing evaluation reports, creatively problem solving and generating individualized goals and treatment protocols. What was extremely difficult was actually interacting with clients and their parents. I did it, and I did it well. But I would come home from work, crash into bed, and be asleep by 5:30 PM. Sleep and work. That’s all I did for 4 years.

It’s been a year since I’ve stopped working, and my depression is in remission. But if I’m not depressed, why are socializing, running errands, doing chores, and doing other “normal” daily things still so darn exhausting? Maybe it’s because I’m autistic.

I can’t count the amount of times this past week I’ve cried because I’ve read another woman’s account of discovering she’s autistic and or/ receiving a diagnosis. I’ve cried because, for the first time in my life, I see people who experience the world like I do. I’ve cried because suddenly I see myself for who I really am. I’ve cried because I realize that maybe I haven’t failed at life, but maybe I’m actually an incredible miracle for surviving this long in a society that wasn’t designed for people like me. My mask has cracked and now it is crumbling in my hands.

I am currently trying to get an evaluation for ASD. I am nervous and excited to see where this leads.

Can anyone relate to my experiences so far?

x- Ladybird
 
Welcome, Ladybird2013!

Your story sounds similar to mine, I can totally relate. I have felt like I not quite belonged for so long, and felt a failure for struggling with things others clearly felt were easy and basic (shopping, organising, etc).

I got my diagnosis nearly five weeks ago :).
 
Thank you for the welcome and reply! I’m glad to know you’ve had a similar experience.

What was the evaluation process like for you?
 
The process was pretty straightforward. A couple of interviews with a psychologist and a couple of questionnaires to fill out. I thought it wasn't too bad, though I did rely on some 'coping strategies' to keep myself from getting overwhelmed, but that is nothing new for me.
 
Hi Ladybird :)

welcome to af.png
 
Welcome to Autismforums.com, Ladybird2013.

I’m always grateful to those who post for the first time the specifics of their revelation that they may be fortunate enough to possess autistic traits. I am grateful to you. I’m reminded of what a freeing process I went thru a couple years ago.

The process of diagnosis was pretty detailed for me. I attended two four hour sessions and a one hour review session. The first session was all paper multiple choice question answering. I would guess I answered several thousand questions many of which asked the same questions multiple different ways. The second session was an interview with two separate psychologists. My then wife of 13 years participated as well relating her experience of living with me.

My advise is to embrace the diagnostic process naturally. Answer each question honestly. Take your time. Take deep breaths.

Once again, thank you for your post and welcome to Autismforums.com. We are glad you joined.
 
Welcome, and yes, a parallel situation for me also. Didn't fit in, thought of all sorts of reasons for why not - and the main reason for why not wasn't even available as an option then - but ASD has been the one thing to explain "everything". Evaluation - did online quizzes and researched the topic as much as I could, asked my GP for referral....and was turned down. Struggled on some more then went back and asked again, this time armed with the quiz results, and with a more assertively stated request, got referred. Waited about four months I think, and am so very lucky that there's even an assessment service for adults locally, and went to see a psychiatrist. I spent the weeks before mulling over what I was going to say, worrying that once again I'd not be taken seriously. Before, at work, when they changed some of the ways we work, I'd struggled with those changes, tried telling them, but it was assumed I'd learn how to do things the new way, and that I'd not have any problems once I'd got used to that. In fact, the changes speeded up the burnout process considerably...
The psychiatrist didn't put me through any more questionnaires, just asked me about my background and experiences. At the beginning this was just a "to and fro" chat, later on he started referring to the Royal College of Psychiatrists' structured interview for ASD proforma to cover any points we hadn't up to that point. In summarising at the end, he listed all the reasons why I might not have ASD - able to make eye contact, laugh at jokes, include the medical student in the conversation - but then concluded he thought I probably do have it. I must admit, I was rather confused by this, and he said he'd also consult his colleagues about me and would sort out some support for me. Eventually I got a letter which was a one-liner - "you meet the criteria for ASD" ... and that was it. Found out since that he wrote three pages to my GP!
The support, I've had to sort out for myself, but in a way I prefer that. Again we're lucky where we are, there's a good service locally, and if I can do it outside of the healthcare system, so much the better.
Good luck on your journey - since I got diagnosed I have had so many ongoing "aha" moments - many of the experiences I've had over my lifetime now make so much more sense, and now I'm armed with the knowledge I need to make the most of what I do well, and to ask for concessions for the things are difficult for me.
 
Hello Ladybird, and welcome.
It's a very eye-opening experience for you and so many others on this forum. I was 59 at the time of my diagnosis, which finally explained my entire life. One of the things the doctor wanted to do was help me with the social aspect. I thought, "Wait a minute, Why would I want to do that?" I spent 59 trying to socialize and it never got any easier, so now, that I don't really have the need, why should I work on something I don't want to do to begin with. It's kind of ironic - the other day I was feeling a bit lonely and I thought about possible remedies to that (visit someone). Then I thought, "You know what? I'm fine." :)
 
The process was pretty straightforward. A couple of interviews with a psychologist and a couple of questionnaires to fill out. I thought it wasn't too bad, though I did rely on some 'coping strategies' to keep myself from getting overwhelmed, but that is nothing new for me.
Thank you! I’m glad the process was straightforward, I hope it is for me, too.
 
Welcome to Autismforums.com, Ladybird2013.

I’m always grateful to those who post for the first time the specifics of their revelation that they may be fortunate enough to possess autistic traits. I am grateful to you. I’m reminded of what a freeing process I went thru a couple years ago.

The process of diagnosis was pretty detailed for me. I attended two four hour sessions and a one hour review session. The first session was all paper multiple choice question answering. I would guess I answered several thousand questions many of which asked the same questions multiple different ways. The second session was an interview with two separate psychologists. My then wife of 13 years participated as well relating her experience of living with me.

My advise is to embrace the diagnostic process naturally. Answer each question honestly. Take your time. Take deep breaths.

Once again, thank you for your post and welcome to Autismforums.com. We are glad you joined.

Thank you so much for your kind words and your advice. It truly means a lot.
 
Welcome to the forum Ladybird. \ (•◡•) /

I think the clues that I eventually discovered led me to do more research. And after a few years, I found websites written by autistic women that listed many of the traits that I have. It has been much the same for me and it explained so much about my life that it somehow didn't seem possible. Thinking of myself as an individual different from others, it shouldn't follow that there were other people out there who could describe my habits, behaviors, difficulties, abilities. But it did, and it was a revelation.

https://www.aane.org/women-asperger-profiles/
The women who don’t know they’re autistic
https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/
 
Welcome to the forum Ladybird. \ (•◡•) /

I think the clues that I eventually discovered led me to do more research. And after a few years, I found websites written by autistic women that listed many of the traits that I have. It has been much the same for me and it explained so much about my life that it somehow didn't seem possible. Thinking of myself as an individual different from others, it shouldn't follow that there were other people out there who could describe my habits, behaviors, difficulties, abilities. But it did, and it was a revelation.

https://www.aane.org/women-asperger-profiles/
The women who don’t know they’re autistic
https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/
Thank you so much for the links, I am looking forward to reading them!
 
Hello!

This is my first post on this forum, so I am a bit nervous, and I’m sorry if I don’t do this “right.”

I recently watched a video by a woman with Asperger’s syndrome, and all of a sudden, it was like a shroud was lifted from my head. She talked about masking, and how pervasive it is particularly for autistic girls and women. This sparked a fever in me to research autism and Asperger’s in adult women.

After hours of reading, suddenly my need to recoil in a dark room in the fetal position for hours (oftentimes, days) at a time after going to the grocery store, meeting up with family or friends, or going to a doctor appointment made sense. My penchant for having all the curtains drawn in my house and my adoration of cloudy, rainy days made sense. My need to prepare scripts and visualize my posturing prior to virtually any social interaction made sense. I’m pretty darn sure I’m on the autism spectrum.

The completely ironic thing is that I’m professionally trained as a speech-language pathologist; I’m an expert in communication and autism spectrum disorders. Why did it take 30 years for it to occur to me that maybe I am on the spectrum?! Well now that I think about it, it didn’t. Growing up, particularly in high school and college, I would “joke” to my mom that maybe I was autistic. But I was “very good” socially! I was extremely empathetic! I couldn’t be autistic! (Insert eye roll here ). I now realize I had very gender biased, stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like.

I was a very high achieving student. I graduated at the top of my class in high school, undergrad, and graduate school. But after 3 attempts over the course of 4 years to work as a speech-language pathologist, I finally acknowledged that working in the environments available to me was not an option. I attributed this to my diagnosis of treatment resistant depression. Now I strongly believe it is because I am on the spectrum.

I absolutely love speech and language. I love studying people’s speech and language patterns, diagnosing their difficulties, writing evaluation reports, creatively problem solving and generating individualized goals and treatment protocols. What was extremely difficult was actually interacting with clients and their parents. I did it, and I did it well. But I would come home from work, crash into bed, and be asleep by 5:30 PM. Sleep and work. That’s all I did for 4 years.

It’s been a year since I’ve stopped working, and my depression is in remission. But if I’m not depressed, why are socializing, running errands, doing chores, and doing other “normal” daily things still so darn exhausting? Maybe it’s because I’m autistic.

I can’t count the amount of times this past week I’ve cried because I’ve read another woman’s account of discovering she’s autistic and or/ receiving a diagnosis. I’ve cried because, for the first time in my life, I see people who experience the world like I do. I’ve cried because suddenly I see myself for who I really am. I’ve cried because I realize that maybe I haven’t failed at life, but maybe I’m actually an incredible miracle for surviving this long in a society that wasn’t designed for people like me. My mask has cracked and now it is crumbling in my hands.

I am currently trying to get an evaluation for ASD. I am nervous and excited to see where this leads.

Can anyone relate to my experiences so far?

x- Ladybird
It could be PDD-NOS it's less obvious Than other forms of ASD
 
I can so relate to so much in this! Especially loving the rainy and cloudy days. Everyone always looks at me funny when I say "It's such a nice day! So relaxing!" when it's a very gloomy day to them haha.

I'm very new to this also and I have that same crying feeling every time I read someone elses story because I think back to my life and think "wow how have I gone this long with this"

It does make me feel kind of upset that I wish I had known all this time, and that it may have been easier if I had known.

But I'm also glad now that I know what it is, but it will take me time to tell someone I know about it. I want to get to the point where I don't break down in front of them while explaining it to them though.
 

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