I need to quit bad habits, how do you deal with anxiety and indecision?

[Jumpback]

Definitely can relate, I have problems with creating a healthy routine and organisation of basic functions and tasks as well. Executive function impairment, as others mentioned.

In general, binge watching TV and searching the Net aren't exactly good habits to have and if done too often they can do quite a bit of damage to your functioning as well. It's a form of escapism, first and foremost, and while it can help with anxiety in the moment, it ends up making your brain complacent, can make you more easily distracted and influence your executive function in a wrong way. Each area of a brain is like a muscle, you need to use it regularly for it to be strong. Cutting yourself off from the reality causes you to stop using much of the areas of the brain that allow you to organise things and so your brain gets less capable of dealing with these kinds of tasks.

It can get better with simple and small daily steps. Organisation is a habit like any other. You can learn to make plans and keep up with them.

You can start with spending 5 minutes every day for planning different activities that make you anxious - each step, even the smallest. It will already make your brain start working, as well as allow you to create templates of behaviour that could become a basis of your routines. It will also calm you down since you will feel like you have a bit more control over things.

For example, write down bullet points for any kind of an appointment you may have, like 1) washing your face/hands/taking a shower, 2) choosing an outfit, 3) putting on an outfit, 4) collect keys and documents, 5) put on shoes... etc. Don't rush, don't feel guilty about the little steps - we are like children in any new skill we're trying to create and we need to learn to walk slowly at first before we can learn to run.

Maybe try out short 2-min daily meditation as well. It can calm down anxiety very nicely if done regularly, or even in the moment at times.

I’ve never been a list maker, maybe partially because this would involve having a notebook or something handy and not losing it ;o)

But I’ve always had a life with a lot more structure than I do now, with people telling me what I am supposed to be doing. When I used to deliver pizzas, I would be a complete nervous wreck getting to work on time and wearing the proper clothing and shaving and so on, but once I got there, the tasks I had to complete were pretty clear, plus I got to be by myself in the car a lot.

But I am trying to do something from home now and I am completely isolated from other people, so I need to figure out how to create structure and stay organized and get things done and be neat so I am not always searching for things and so on.

I’m kind of trying to take in things people are saying and figuring out what I will actually manage to do and how these things might work best for me

 

[Jumpback]

Maybe identify specific causes. Is it possible you have a tremendous fear of failure? As well as a lack of confidence? Most of what you said sounds like manifestations of root issues.

I kind of think that self doubt and fear of failure about being able to accomplish things and stay organized and organize my own life is a significant part of the problem. But it’s sort of because I am just not good at these things at all. To sound completely politically incorrect, I am completely retarded when in comes to these things, everyone is better at being organized and accomplishing tasks than I am.

It’s a little like give me the complex relationships between Ancient Greek city-states to figure out and I am better than 99% of people at this, but give me trying to be organized and take a shower and go to the store and pay bills when I am supposed to and I am worse than 99% of people

It’s maybe kind of like things you say are true, but it’s because my head is about as good at these things as like 3 year old child, like these things are actually very hard for me. So since I am so completely, terribly, awfully bad at things that others find easy I lack self confidence and doubt myself and have a fear of failure. But it isn’t like a general lack of self confidence, I do not doubt myself very much with things that I am good at, I just doubt myself with things I am bad at and start getting stupid and doing bad habits and getting mad at my history and getting mad at myself when I can’t do things that everyone else seems to be able to do

 

[Jumpback]

I have taken the Meyers Briggs - can never remember what letters I am, but I remember it was 1% of the population. lol
I'm always early to anywhere because I don't want the other person to have to wait on me. And I'm early - part of my stressing - I get ready and get that part over with way ahead of time the I wait. (Kinda like I'm doing now - leaving at noon and been ready for a while). But it helps separate the stress and anxiety - one step at a time and having plenty of time to do it. And everyone who knows me knows not to make plans too early - has to be after noon to give me time to do my thing. I can not just jump up and get ready and go somewhere. Another factor might be that I don't usually wake up until after 10. lol

I think the reason for preferring someone else make the decision is also not wanting the other person to be disappointed - I'm fine - want you to be happy. It's not that I'm indecisive. If you let me choose, it's going to be somewhere with hamburgers - McDonalds if that's one of the options. lol

You might test as INFJ, the rarest of all types. INFJs sometimes have premonitions of people being in trouble or getting in accidents and so on and call people to make sure that they are okay. There is a complicated explanation about introverted intuition and why people fear these things might have happened without knowing exactly why they think this that makes some sense

The thing about personality and disorders and so on is that people are still really just guessing about what is going on/or simplifying things into very broad categories

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It's really hard right now, especially with the quarantine. So many people are relapsing into old behaviors from sheer boredom. Like on Facebook, I've seen so many nice people start posting really random and offensive stuff, the longer this goes on.

I think (and you're gonna yell at me) that we need to maybe stop social distancing and go see some people and interact like humans.

The sheer boredom and isolation is destroying us.

 

[Jumpback]

My situation was easier to treat because I only had a few beliefs to correct. I felt rejected when I was a baby. As a result of that belief, I became depressed which made me totally withdrawn and not interested in other people at all for most of my childhood. It also caused me to think there must be something wrong with me, that I was different than other people. Since feeling rejected is a traumatic experience for a baby and I felt I was rejected because I was different, my mind associated being different with being rejected which made me afraid to say or do anything that might cause people to think I was weird. Because of that, I lived in my own world my entire life until last year. I never dated or had any friends. After watching the videos, I realized I wasn't rejected, that people were judging my actions, which they misunderstood, and not judging me as a person. My anxiety affected my thinking and caused me to act different which made other people uncomfortable which I misinterpreted as rejection.

After I watched the videos, I made a list of my beliefs that caused anxiety and depression, checked and found they were all based on cognitive distortions, and formed new more accurate beliefs.

Beliefs I've had my entire life:
1. The belief that I was different than other people (black and white thinking)
2. The belief that I was inferior to "normal" people
3. That people rejected me because I was different

New beliefs:
1. I'm a human being with unique traits and problems like everyone else.
2. As a human being, I am equal and just as worthy as everyone else. Everyone has problems and weaknesses so that doesn't make me inferior.
3. Other people are misunderstanding my words and actions and judging them and not me as a person.

After I did that, my depression and anxiety was greatly reduced. The "feeling good" book by Dr. Burns confirmed my experience. He attributed depression due to low self esteem caused by negative distorted beliefs about oneself and feeling hopeless about the future. My new beliefs made me feel equal and hopeful about the future.

Anxiety is often due to fearing being judged, criticized, or making a bad decision. When I realized I wasn't being rejected, that my mistakes weren't a big deal, I had much less anxiety.

If I was less autistic, I would have had far more social interactions and probably would have formed a bunch of other cognitive distortions to cope, mask symptoms, and adapt which would have made it take longer to overcome my problems.

One tip for anxiety - Many times stress can cause people to magnify their problems, to make their decisions seem more important than they really are. Ask yourself what you're afraid of, what's the worse that can happen if you do something, and how likely that is to happen based on past experience. Remind yourself how anxiety makes you feel worse and take a risk if it's unlikely that anything really bad will happen.

The issue with me is that I am exceptionally bad at all the organizing and decision making and so on that I need to do to accomplish the work thing I am trying to do. Plus, it’s kind of complicated to explain, but I kind of got forced into this by preposterous circumstances

So I am horribly, terribly awful at things to begin with, then I am mad at the world, then I am depressed, so possibly already being impossibly bad at certain things has gravitated towards I can no longer function at all, except maybe if I drink or something. So I doubt myself, get mad at myself for not being able to do this, get mad at myself for doing bad habits to try to get through this, get mad at the world

Maybe the above is sort of a list or something that needs to be changed to change my way of thinking. I am just sort of thinking out loud or something

 

[Jumpback]

I second Onlything & Thinx' suggestions.

Binge watching addles the brain and reinforces passivity.

If there's a subject you "always wanted" to know more about, try the other screen for variety (this one). At the moment I'm into science & history.

But when I first put down the bottles I spotted aeroplanes by internet. I learned a lot of technology, war and economics. And they are so aesthetic.

When a task or errand beckons:

1. make it fun

2. chunk it down to 90 second segments (you read that correct - second)

I forget which famous scientist had 12 desks which he would spend about a minute at in turn, each with a different project.

(I had learned to multitask fairly productively, when I worked)

3. between segments, say to yourself how you enjoy being you, there is a roof, maybe you'll wake up tomorrow with some more glittering achievements (no sarcasm) at your fingertips.

4. you must have a favourite food however simple (for me, mild cheese). What a kick you got out of having some earlier and that it will be in your basket again soon.

(For me, every piece of cheese is so unique)

5. Think up jokes and write them down. I have written ultra-short stories of only four lines, and poems with three. I also collect fun names.

6. Do something you've done before, without painting yourself into any corners about how often you'll repeat that. I made pancakes because for some weeks I've been ensuring I have plenty of flour, milk and eggs (I use lots of milk & eggs anyway). If they break up that's just part of the fun.

7. Now the home help doesn't come, I've the quick way of cleaning, and the ultra quick. Especially when I do one room at a "time". Or just one corner of floor. Or half a worktop.

8. Wilkinson's has got cheap, old fashioned liquids & powders to soak shirts and dinner things. Just rinse plenty.

That's how I get round "exposure anxiety". Just translate that into jumpbackese!

I tried to make the thing with 12 different desks a reality when I first started this here, since I have little interest in doing this anymore and my ability to concentrate or focus is very low. But it was taking too long and I couldn’t solve the logistics. Seemed like if I go from thing to thing anytime I got stuck or lost interest, I could just try something else. And this might in turn makes things more fun and more like a game. Like if I get everything out and try to work at one desk and get stuck or bored or can’t focus or get anxious I’m stuck with this task until it gets done

Basic things like you say about breaking things into 90 second chunks and along the lines of small rewards like cheese and short breaks and only limited cleaning at a time are just things that I am going to have to try.

It gets very frustrating not being able to do things that others can do pretty easily without sort of massive struggles and it maybe, possibly turns into anger at myself, anger at the world, general frustration, hopelessness and depression

I’m just going to kind of not be hard on myself or not let others be hard on me or something and just kind of feel good about trying my hardest and doing the best that I can do. The best that I can do at some things is just never going to be very good at all by most other people’s standards

 

[Jumpback]

Sounds like you are experiencing poor Executive function which is indeed a common problem linked to ADHD and ASD, and it's effects along with other hurdles are making you anxious. CBT can be helpful for anxiety, and also potentially helps you to have structures to process your worries, and think more clearly. There may be quite a variety of strategies that you could find that help you with poor executive function, for example, making a list of steps to take when you feel anxious about organising yourself to go out.

Your list could be something like, 1. Take some time to get ready, no need to hurry. 2. Make a list of what I need from the shop. 3. Decide the best time to shop. 4. Decide how long I want to be out. 5. Put my shopping list bag and wallet plus whatever I will need, into my bag ready. Etc, depending what steps will work for you.

You could have go to lists for any tasks that are challenging. I use lists a lot, many of us here do. Also reminders for myself, you can have a paper diary or use your phone to set these up. Our brains are differently wired in this area, so we have to work around it. Try googling, poor Executive function in ADHD to find ideas. But everyone is different, so it depends what works best for you, to get around these difficulties.

To be completely honest, having an executive function just isn’t my thing, but being good at things that no one can even follow is my thing.

Like what I have been trying to do is sell things online to free myself up to take advantage of different time decay rates on different option expiration dates on the S&P 500 futures, and take advantage of short term market plummets caused by natural overreaction and panic caused by emotion and fear, since fear is a stronger emotion than greed. But to do this I had to be free to watch the market 24/7 and make sure the market stays within a narrow range and do something if the market left a narrow range, even if due to some positive news about Brexit or maybe Chinese economy improving at night or something

And this works due to how decay rates accelerate at the very end, such as the odds of the market hitting a certain point in a week are far less than hitting a certain point in a months times. But, in boxing terms, there is always a “punchers chance” where someone might be losing a fight, but a perfect punch might lead to an unexpected knockout, so this is why the ability to watch 24/7 is a requirement

-

But I keep getting stuck with these weird gay things like a roommate deciding he was made gay by developing schizophrenia that sound incredibly unlikely or just impossibly offensive and then committing suicide, then no one has any idea what I am even trying to do. Then I can’t do things that others can do.

So I end up seeming like this deranged homophobe who does all sorts of crazy gambling things who is messy for no reason and on and on

I’m just going to have to accept that I can change nothing and move on and find ways around my executive function being pretty defective and not get mad at myself or mad at others and just solve the problem and move on.

I really appreciate the understanding and acceptance here, because it has been very isolating and frustrating

I really have no interest in trying to get good at things I am bad at by making lists and organizing my daily tasks and so on, it’s just not a fun thing to try to get better at things you will never be as good at as other people or something...like most people who get into bodybuilding are naturally muscular to begin with, very few 90 pound weaklings show up to gyms and try to turn themselves into 130 pound guys.

But I just have to do these things. Maybe I should print out suggestions and hang them all over as constant reminders, because what I have been doing, which involves a lot of self-pity and anger at the world and so on, just ain’t working

 

[Jumpback]

To be completely honest, having an executive function just isn’t my thing, but being good at things that no one can even follow is my thing.

Like what I have been trying to do is sell things online to free myself up to take advantage of different time decay rates on different option expiration dates on the S&P 500 futures, and take advantage of short term market plummets caused by natural overreaction and panic caused by emotion and fear, since fear is a stronger emotion than greed. But to do this I had to be free to watch the market 24/7 and make sure the market stays within a narrow range and do something if the market left a narrow range, even if due to some positive news about Brexit or maybe Chinese economy improving at night or something

And this works due to how decay rates accelerate at the very end, such as the odds of the market hitting a certain point in a week are far less than hitting a certain point in a months times. But, in boxing terms, there is always a “punchers chance” where someone might be losing a fight, but a perfect punch might lead to an unexpected knockout, so this is why the ability to watch 24/7 is a requirement

-

But I keep getting stuck with these weird gay things like a roommate deciding he was made gay by developing schizophrenia that sound incredibly unlikely or just impossibly offensive and then committing suicide, then no one has any idea what I am even trying to do. Then I can’t do things that others can do.

So I end up seeming like this deranged homophobe who does all sorts of crazy gambling things who is messy for no reason and on and on

I’m just going to have to accept that I can change nothing and move on and find ways around my executive function being pretty defective and not get mad at myself or mad at others and just solve the problem and move on.

I really appreciate the understanding and acceptance here, because it has been very isolating and frustrating

I really have no interest in trying to get good at things I am bad at by making lists and organizing my daily tasks and so on, it’s just not a fun thing to try to get better at things you will never be as good at as other people or something...like most people who get into bodybuilding are naturally muscular to begin with, very few 90 pound weaklings show up to gyms and try to turn themselves into 130 pound guys.

But I just have to do these things. Maybe I should print out suggestions and hang them all over as constant reminders, because what I have been doing, which involves a lot of self-pity and anger at the world and so on, just ain’t working

I was really depressed when the market plummeted due to the coronavirus and I missed being in the market, then even more so when a lesser chance to get rich emerged when the market partially corrected

But like with almost everything about me, it is impossible to explain this without seeming crazy or out of line to most people

I’m just going to have to start at the beginning and try to find ways around having a very poor functioning executive function using some of the excellent tips I have received, because I can’t change other people or anything about the past, but I can try to be a better me even if the better me is just going to be a 110 pound wimp instead of a 90 pound wimp when it comes to certain things

 

[Matthias]

The issue with me is that I am exceptionally bad at all the organizing and decision making and so on that I need to do to accomplish the work thing I am trying to do. Plus, it’s kind of complicated to explain, but I kind of got forced into this by preposterous circumstances

So I am horribly, terribly awful at things to begin with, then I am mad at the world, then I am depressed, so possibly already being impossibly bad at certain things has gravitated towards I can no longer function at all, except maybe if I drink or something. So I doubt myself, get mad at myself for not being able to do this, get mad at myself for doing bad habits to try to get through this, get mad at the world

Maybe the above is sort of a list or something that needs to be changed to change my way of thinking. I am just sort of thinking out loud or something

One reason emotional problems can be hard to overcome is because emotions alter the way a person thinks which creates a downward spiral that makes them more depressed or more anxious.

The "feeling good" book I recommended has an entire chapter on why some people who hate being depressed do nothing to resolve their depression. Some of the reasons given are that some people magnify their problems (such as thinking you're "exceptionally bad" or "horribly, terribly awful" at things when you may just be a little worse than average) which causes them to feel overwhelmed and helpless to overcome them. In reality, your problems probably aren't nearly as bad as you think they are and are much easier to overcome than you think. You just can't see it now because your depression is affecting your thinking.

If you get the book and take it one day at a time, reading a few pages each morning, you'll probably be able to overcome your depression which would make you more confident and motivated to tackle your other problems making them much easier to treat.

 

[Jumpback]

One reason emotional problems can be hard to overcome is because emotions alter the way a person thinks which creates a downward spiral that makes them more depressed or more anxious.

The "feeling good" book I recommended has an entire chapter on why some people who hate being depressed do nothing to resolve their depression. Some of the reasons given are that some people magnify their problems (such as thinking you're "exceptionally bad" or "horribly, terribly awful" at things when you may just be a little worse than average) which causes them to feel overwhelmed and helpless to overcome them. In reality, your problems probably aren't nearly as bad as you think they are and are much easier to overcome than you think. You just can't see it now because your depression is affecting your thinking.

If you get the book and take it one day at a time, reading a few pages each morning, you'll probably be able to overcome your depression which would make you more confident and motivated to tackle your other problems making them much easier to treat.

I really am bad at being neat and organized and making decisions, but you are likely correct that I am magnifying things.

The main problem is really repeatedly having this politically incorrect problem warps everything and I lose all perspective

Like 7 years ago, I started an eBay/Amazon business with a huge stockpile of things in my friends house so we could trade the market together without being forced to go to work. This was not an illogical thing to do, he graduated with 2 undergraduate degrees from one of the top business schools in the country in 3 years with close to a 4.0 grade point average, without even really trying that hard. Guy was smart. But then he wants to file forms as a couple, then he wants to watch porn together and then he is gay or maybe not gay, then he thinks that maybe a woman should live with him to help him decide if he is gay or not, then he kicks me out and commits suicide

So then I am homeless, but meet my ex-gf and she takes me in and she sees my value, but her friends and family don’t, they just see a messy guy with storage units for no reason, who has unlikely sounding excuses who probably hates gays and has repressed homosexuality and likes to gamble and on and on, so now I am stuck with an even another problem, since I had some idea we were going to go into an antique business together or something. But then if I see psychs or talk to other people, my explanation is going to sound unlikely or incredibly offensive. So I get completely isolated.

So people see all these secret problems and drives and me being up to things and my repressed this or that, but none of these things actually exist. I did not care if roommate was gay, he kicked me out, I did not abandon him. I did not care if ex-gf was overweight because I saw her value, she broke up with me for her family and friends believed that I am weird and terrible. I am not up to secret things, etc, etc

—-

I don’t know why I keep getting stuck with this same problem. I felt bad for minorities for being harassed in high school, so they were sort of my people. I live in a city and was in a location which is a gay destination from all over the state. I used to be into bodybuilding and am fairly attractive. Maybe me being me is just attractive to gay men more than to women, then maybe I unintentionally, lead them on by saying things that sound like I am interested when I am just trying to be accepting and understanding?

——

But, anyway, this is a lot of the reason of why I have no perspective at all and just have fallen into alcoholism and smoking and feelings of hopelessness and desperation and wanting to just kind of give up and not care what happens to me...like, for awhile, I was watching videos where people liked underground in Las Vegas, Nevada and a little bit wondering if I should just go do that

——

But, getting back to what you are saying, it probably is along the lines of what you are saying and I probably am exaggerating weaknesses and not seeing things clearly and I just need to try CBT because this sounds like it really might help

But I have really fallen into a fog of terrible things, involving anger and self pity and hopelessness and bad alcoholism and on and on and like the fog is thick or something

Like things you are saying and others are saying are almost certainly just right, but I am still in a thick haze of things and I have to clear my head of all the emotions to just be logical and move on. Like, in a way, it’s almost like emotions become this thick pea soup haze and logic is like one headlight against all this. But one kind of has to just cast off the confusions and compilations and emotions and follow the one light which makes sense and is logical. I feel like I am being melodramatic, and maybe I am somewhat, but it kind of really is like this or something

 

[Jumpback]

I really am bad at being neat and organized and making decisions, but you are likely correct that I am magnifying things.

The main problem is really repeatedly having this politically incorrect problem warps everything and I lose all perspective

Like 7 years ago, I started an eBay/Amazon business with a huge stockpile of things in my friends house so we could trade the market together without being forced to go to work. This was not an illogical thing to do, he graduated with 2 undergraduate degrees from one of the top business schools in the country in 3 years with close to a 4.0 grade point average, without even really trying that hard. Guy was smart. But then he wants to file forms as a couple, then he wants to watch porn together and then he is gay or maybe not gay, then he thinks that maybe a woman should live with him to help him decide if he is gay or not, then he kicks me out and commits suicide

So then I am homeless, but meet my ex-gf and she takes me in and she sees my value, but her friends and family don’t, they just see a messy guy with storage units for no reason, who has unlikely sounding excuses who probably hates gays and has repressed homosexuality and likes to gamble and on and on, so now I am stuck with an even another problem, since I had some idea we were going to go into an antique business together or something. But then if I see psychs or talk to other people, my explanation is going to sound unlikely or incredibly offensive. So I get completely isolated.

So people see all these secret problems and drives and me being up to things and my repressed this or that, but none of these things actually exist. I did not care if roommate was gay, he kicked me out, I did not abandon him. I did not care if ex-gf was overweight because I saw her value, she broke up with me for her family and friends believed that I am weird and terrible. I am not up to secret things, etc, etc

—-

I don’t know why I keep getting stuck with this same problem. I felt bad for minorities for being harassed in high school, so they were sort of my people. I live in a city and was in a location which is a gay destination from all over the state. I used to be into bodybuilding and am fairly attractive. Maybe me being me is just attractive to gay men more than to women, then maybe I unintentionally, lead them on by saying things that sound like I am interested when I am just trying to be accepting and understanding?

——

But, anyway, this is a lot of the reason of why I have no perspective at all and just have fallen into alcoholism and smoking and feelings of hopelessness and desperation and wanting to just kind of give up and not care what happens to me...like, for awhile, I was watching videos where people liked underground in Las Vegas, Nevada and a little bit wondering if I should just go do that

——

But, getting back to what you are saying, it probably is along the lines of what you are saying and I probably am exaggerating weaknesses and not seeing things clearly and I just need to try CBT because this sounds like it really might help

But I have really fallen into a fog of terrible things, involving anger and self pity and hopelessness and bad alcoholism and on and on and like the fog is thick or something

Like things you are saying and others are saying are almost certainly just right, but I am still in a thick haze of things and I have to clear my head of all the emotions to just be logical and move on. Like, in a way, it’s almost like emotions become this thick pea soup haze and logic is like one headlight against all this. But one kind of has to just cast off the confusions and compilations and emotions and follow the one light which makes sense and is logical. I feel like I am being melodramatic, and maybe I am somewhat, but it kind of really is like this or something

I mean people really, really, really do not get me

If I actually hated gays and wanted to pick apart gay advocate messages on literally any subject, I could. I am just not joking. Give me 5 PhDs to debate about any subject they choose and I am not only not uncomfortable, but would have no problem picking their arguments apart, just as a result of repeatedly getting stuck with this problem and trying to solve the problem by looking everything up, but I just do not want to do this because I do feel extreme sympathy for the plight of minorities, and I do feel bad for gay kids getting harassed and bullied and being made to feel less than

Like if people want to test me feel free, you choose any subject you desire, be it the ancient world or current research involving differences in brains or the current theory about womb chemistry affecting brain development

In some ways, I sort of identify with autistic savante, but not in a normal way where there are things about math, I am not very good at these things, what I am good at is relating everything to everything else. Like, in my head, the deuce coupe (1932 Ford) relates to the Art Deco movement which relates to the ancient world as in things related to the movement in Ancient Greece starting in maybe around 500 BC to stylize, to automakers current trends right now and everything in between. I just do not see these things as being separate things, but others seem to. I can go back and forth between the depression and the ancient world and right now without being uncomfortable. I do not know why others see these things as being unrelated.

But, then, at the same time, I recognize my tendency to be a complete jackass and dipshit by being an asshole peacock flaunting that I am just better at seeing these things than other people, and I recongnize that I might be flaunting and condescending and being an asshole and being mean to others and just basically being an asshole because I just can do things others cannot do

In my head, I find my myself going to my parents and family. I was adopted and my parents didn’t have to do this, then my dad worked 3-4 jobs when I was a kid to give us a nice life and vacations, and my mom is a nice person now going through somewhat early onset dimensia.

Like I cannot do what my father did, but I can do things that virtually no one else can

I just want there to be piece and understanding and reconciliation, but still gays behaved badly which means I am delusional sand hate gays and have secret things and various disorders and on and on and on

Like, just leave me the hell alone with this, I do not and have never cared what gays do or do not do, this just all just does not relate to me, but somehow it always does

I just feel like I have got stuck with exactly the wrong problem atbexactly the wrong time, and this happening keeps me losing all perspective of all kinds