I Need to Learn to Surrender

[SimonSays]

What is it you want Simon?

To go home.

 

[Wulven]

To go home.

I'm pretty sure I know what you mean. But, what is home to you?

 

[SimonSays]

I get bored easily, but I'm good at finding something to do, which makes it seem like I'm not bored. But I can't do anything new for long.

There is something about being alone I really need, or at least I benefit from. I can imagine the idea of not being alone and how that might feel, based on the good parts of past relationships, especially the beginnings. But no matter how I see it I always come back to this alone state.

I've clearly not accepted things as they are. I still think there's a possibility of something else. It's not easy to let go. To accept this is how it is now. I can see it is a process. Like a pendulum swinging back-and-forth. Quicker. Slower. One direction then the other. But always swinging. Reminding me. Showing me. Teasing me. And my imagination, if left unchecked, will do the rest.

Maybe it's just not possible in this material world, and why those people who become monks do so. Renounce everything and walk away. Many do this in places like India, where the weather allows living outside, even not needing clothes, and a society that allows that to take place without getting offended. They see those people as holy men. I've seen some of them and while I can't quite imagine having nothing but a bowl and a small bag, being thin and emaciated, many of them are old, so somehow it works for them.

I can't do that in the UK. My van was like a 21st century cave, with its modern tech and its ability to keep it charged up. So much had to be taken care of to live that life which was why I had to let it go. Where I am now is simpler but still too complicated and I still have to take care of too many things. I'm not truly free. And I need to be.