I Need to Learn to Surrender

[SimonSays]

I needed to learn to surrender. I had never surrendered before. Everything I wanted, any idea I'd had, I could make happen. I got away with everything. I always ended up in a good place. But I knew I would have to surrender this time. And it had to be something serious enough that there would be no doubt of my doing so.

So when I started down the road, taking from the company, free to be creative with my activities, and a partner who made me feel like a bit of a mastermind, I did it, even though I knew I would never get away with it. And by the time I didn't get away with it, I was ready to surrender, and was able to do so quickly, because it was important I did, as this would be the only way I could possibly get through it and come out the other side.

I needed to be different. Everything had to change. I had to lose everything by letting go of everything, long before I ever lost anything. So that I would eventually be able to take a journey. Something I would never have chosen, in a way I couldn't have imagined, in order to experience and wake up into a world that made more sense than the world I’d been living in.

I've talked about the circumstances. Because the story is a good one and it's easy to get caught up in it. But it's not about the story. It's not about what happened. It's about what happens when you surrender. When you truly let go. Of Job, life, sense of self, ego, future. Become nothing. Empty. And find yourself filled with something else. Something I didn't know really existed, certainly not in a way I could experience so obviously.

God showed himself to me because I was able to recognise him. And as soon as I did I knew nothing else mattered. I’d been asleep, playing a role, living a dream, making it seem real because I was able to imagine things and didn't know there was anything else.

And he showed me what it meant to know God, to experience God, to see God, to understand what God was. Really was. Without having to believe a thing. No doctrine. No ideology. No structure of any kind. The moment I’d start to cover it with some idea of what it was, I lost sight of it as if it was never there.

It can only be real if I have no idea what it is.

If I have no idea who I am.

And then I lost it. My ego took it. I thought I could do it myself. And then I used the knowing and the insight to take advantage. And it became corrupted as all things coming out of ego do. Just as Moses led the people to the promised land but was unable to enter, so at first I could still see but could not do anything about what I saw, until eventually I could no longer see, so there was definitely nothing I could do, then say, even if I wanted to.

And I still haven't surrendered. Still haven't reached that place where I feel I can let go. Faith. Once so sure I was doing the right thing. Then as if rewarded, life changed in a way I could never have imagined and I got to live in Israel and then in India and all the experiences that happened in between and since, only to find myself struggling with that ego still, now reduced to living alone in a tiny room. Keeping me safe. From myself and from the world. A spiritual cell. Not too different from life in a van. Less material pressure, but also less freedom. To find myself again. To know what matters. To understand my mistakes. My selfish actions. Until it is time.

Unlike before, while I had no idea what the experience would be like, I felt myself moving forward at a tremendous speed. Now I am just here, and have been for a while, and while it would be nice to be somewhere else for the right reasons, unless I know what those reasons are or have an idea of how I might find them, here I stay.

There is one idea though. The idea of just walking away. Letting this comfort go. Trusting that where I will end up will be where I need to be. I haven't known that I was able to consider letting go; the weight of the fear had been overwhelming me, which was how I ended up here in this room in the first place, rather than walking away as I could have done, and not worrying how long it took to get there or what happened along the way.

But instead I chose safety and security. Warmth and comfort. And maybe I needed it as I might not have been well, but I'm better now, still not right but better, and it's coming into winter and I have what I need, and I don't have to imagine suffering or hardship, but if I just sit in this room, doing time, my sentence is un-ending, and maybe I don't deserve to have an un-ending sentence. I can't make any plans. I can't have it all laid out before me so I can walk away easily. That's not surrender. That's still control.

 

[SimonSays]

When I felt called to leave before, I imposed conditions, or conditions arose, as to how to go, what to take, and when to leave. And the more conditions I considered, the more thoughts I’d think, the less feeling of being called I had. I clearly wasn't answering the call, not if I'd really heard it, not if I'd believed and had faith.

I left the van once with just what I was wearing. I left my wallet and keys behind too. I left the van open. Unlocked. Parked on waste ground. I didn't have with me those things that were essential for living in the world… Money, debit card, ID. I was tempting fate, and that was the culmination of that idea.

I hadn't walked away quickly though. It had taken a few weeks to build up to it. I'd tried and failed a few times. Deciding to take my wallet. Just in case. And then never left.

But when I finally did, and let go of the fear as I went, I ended up sitting on a bench a couple of miles away in the centre of town not knowing whether the van would even be there, never mind all my things as I'd left them, and I found peace. And I sat in that feeling. And then I knew I could return, and I had to do so without fear of what I might find. I couldn't be anxious. Couldn't be worried. No negative thoughts. And when I returned to find the van exactly as I'd left it… knowing I'd had to leave it in order to return to it, I appreciated van life far more than if I had just continued as I was, taking it for granted.

Could I trust God to support me? Not need things to be a certain way?

The van was already waiting for me to move into when I'd needed to do so. I'd had it long enough to have prepared it even though I didn't know what I was preparing it for.

I don't have a van now. I don't need to have that experience again. The surrender has to be different this time. More life changing.

I think I know the direction because it’s the only one that makes any sense.

I tried something like this at my mum’s after she died. I left without taking a key, but I knew there was one hidden under the flowerpot so I could change my mind and return without issue. And knowing I could, within a few hours it became the thought I followed. There was no other thought I could think. I didn't have to continue like that. Not yet.

When I went to America the first time, the van sat at my mum’s for three months… And when I came home I was glad I had my home to move back into, for I was going to need time to assimilate what had occurred. But when I went back to America the second time, I sold the van before I left. I knew I would have to rid myself of the idea of it so that I wouldn't be able to run back to its safety. And there were moments when I would have done just that.

Because I couldn’t come back, I had to surrender, and I got to have experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. I'd had to let go of my safety net to do so…first.

The only thing I can let go of now is this room. The only thing I can surrender...

Or...maybe it's not the only thing…

There is one thing I’ve tried letting go of several times, but keep returning to. And I do so because it is there, waiting, and it makes it easier to do my time. But it is strange that these ideas of leaving, these thoughts of walking away, only arise when I’m using it.

If I go, I would take it with me. If I don't take it, I stop feeling like I should go.

That seems to be the choice.

 

[SimonSays]

When I left to go to Israel with just a backpack, even though I could still have returned to my house, my house was technically already gone, the bank just hadn't taken it back yet.

So it wasn't my house anymore, maybe it never really had been, and yet where I am now does feel like my room, as much as anything can feel like mine; I pay the rent, and each time I make that payment, I have the right to live in this room one more month. So it's not a heavy weight like the van was. The van was my responsibility. It had value that could be turned back into cash and used elsewhere. I couldn't just walk away from it and forget it ever existed like I had done with the house.

The heaviness of the van is what ensured I remained in it for as long as I did, and it wasn't easy to let it go. But I knew once I had I was free to make choices I couldn't have made if I still had it.

I can technically walk away from this room without saying a word. But I'm not sure it would be real or even possible, specially if I started to feel cold and alone again. If I started to remember how easy it was just being in the room and no one was making me go.

To go with a safety net. For when I come to my senses. For when my vibration returns to its normal state. I could try and medicate my way out of any fear, maybe it would work, but I can't if there is doubt. It has to feel real. I can't fake it until I make it.

So why am I telling you? You might have a thought, because it's what you think, and I'm not going to interfere with that. But I just thought I'd have a go at saying this and sharing it in real time, or as close to real-time as I can make it.

 

[Suzette]

I once said to friend that I wanted to go to the edge of death to let go. They were horrified at the idea. But somewhere along the way I realized that in order to truly let go one dosen't have to give up anything. Because letting go isn't about clinging to possesions or even clinging to ego. When you truly let go, you let go of fear and control. So you can keep your stuff. But you must accept that you know knothing and none of it is controlable by you. You can not control "letting go" by clinging to notions of what that means and how to do it. Think on it.

 

[SimonSays]

I understand what you mean. But things are thoughts. And there comes a point when there has to be a letting go of thoughts. The idea of maintaining a room, having responsibility, knowing how things will be. Keeping it simple because anything else is too complicated. All of this comes out of thought.

Now I'm not saying that without material responsibility I am free of thought. But what I think and subsequently act on, changes tremendously when I don't know what's happening. There is a feeling that I can't describe. An ability to go in any direction without needing to think about it. Nothing left behind. Nobody to answer to. I am only responsible for what happens in this moment. A state of surrender.

 

[Suzette]

I do know what you mean. My experience has been that "letting go", full surrender, means coming back to where I have already been. That is just my personal experience. I am sharing not advising!
Letting go has given me the "power" to be more deliberate in my thinking and choosing. It is a very personal step that can not be fully explained. You are exactly where you need to be. Keep on being yourself. Consider me "that old autie woman who mutters to herself"

 

[SimonSays]

And I understand that fear interferes, and something I've always needed is the feeling of home, a base, somewhere to move out from, and somewhere to return to. That's why it is hard to give up, and was so hard to find. And it didn't look like it would work at first, and six months of petty tyrant suddenly arrived, amongst other things. And I could see that there was value in accepting and letting go of the need to control, to change, to make it how I wanted it to be. Instead it was how it was, and all I could do was accept it and surrender.

Something has changed now. Maybe I have too. And that feeling of finding my way home seems to be there again.

Do I have the faith? Can I take that step? I don't know.

And it might be that there is no step to take. It often turns out to be all in my head anyway.

 

[SimonSays]

@Suzette

I think I'm trying to get back to somewhere I have already been, just as you describe. It is only in letting go, surrendering what is familiar, that I might do so. And I feel like this, because where I am, while I cannot say what the future holds, is Groundhog Day. And in order to be here it needs to be Groundhog Day. And I'm not complaining, because life is so simple that I get to do what I need to do in it, and that is no small thing. So the idea of being exactly where I need to be makes perfect sense, on one level.

But on the other hand, in living this way, I interfere with the idea of the possibility of something else. Not something specific, just creating the circumstances for something else to arrive more easily. Otherwise the principle of Groundhog Day keeps everything else away. Stops things from changing, whether positive or negative, which in itself is subjective, and usually not what it seems anyway.

 

[SimonSays]

I suspect that if I were really doing it. If I was going to share it with you I would share it with you after I had done it, not before. If I talk about it I tend to talk myself out of it and I must be looking to do that, to come down to a more earthly perspective. The idea of already being where I need to be, rather than imagining the grass must be greener over there, and making my way to it.

And yet there is this niggling feeling in the background that isn't shouting, and the idea of opening to experiencing the synchronicity, meeting people unexpected, and being able to be myself amongst them, where they have no expectation of who that might be.

That is the Simon I wish to be, and maybe I am finding him, because he's here now talking to you. But out in the world he doesn't really exist, or at least he is rarely seen, and rarely expresses himself so that he can be.

 

[Suzette]

@SimonSays, I often tell my son "When you get tired of your own crap it will all make sense".
Enjoy the ride wherever it takes you.
You have heard the old trope "life is a journey". I think life is right here, right NOW. Not groundhog day (for me). The thing is, there is no "future" or "past". There are no time machines nor a future perfection just waiting for you to figure it out. There is only the present moment.

 

[SimonSays]

There is only the present moment.

Yes that is true. Only here and now.
But what is occurring in this present moment? And if I can imagine something else... something that is not occurring but could be, how will that become this moment if I do nothing other than imagine it?

Hmmm...

And yet I answer my own question. Because we live in a world of attraction, not just intention. And as I understand the way it works... the feeling of surrender without insistence of the outcome, brings what will be here into this moment.

 

[Suzette]

And yet I answer my own question. Because we live in a world of attraction, not just intention. And as I understand the way it works... the feeling of surrender without insistence of the outcome, brings what will be here into this moment

Yes! It is not your job to figure out the how. Attempting to force the how is jury rigging the universe. You, mere mortal human, are not skilled enough to do the job well.

True story: One day I was riding with my date in the back of his motor cycle, he was annoyed with me and stopped the motorcycle next to a mountain lake. "What is it that you want?" He demanded to know. I looked down, into the lake spread through a deep canyon valley. There I see a lone sailboat, with blue striped sails, gliding along. "That", I said, paionting to the boat. "I've always wanted to sail". My friend was not impressed. The idea was weird and pointless to him.
A few weeks later I found myself on a date with a man I didn't want to let go. I agreed to help him with painting his bathroom. At his house, on the wall, there was a picture of a sailboat with blue striped sails, gliding along a very picturesque and very familiar lake. Not just any sailboat. THE sailboat! I learned to sail that next summer and we now live on a much larger sailboat on the ocean. We have been together for 10 yeare.

At the time I made my statement about sailing, I was newly seperated from my emotionally abusive marriage, was unemployed and a mom of a little boy. I did not feel like a candidate for getting my wishes. But I had taken the idea "It is not your job to figure it out" to heart.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to remind myself. It is not my job to figure it out. I forget sometimes!

 

[SimonSays]

Nice story.

The frustration that arises in me may come out of impatience. It's not the universe's fault. It is my lack of direction. Of focus. Of knowing what it is I want. I'm not attracting something I want. I feel like I live in a state of non-attraction. Which is probably not true. Then suddenly, out of the blue, I feel like I'm resisting this moment. That I've put myself into a situation that makes it very difficult for anything to change. And so nothing changes. That is what I'm attracting. It's working well.

Like I said... when I alter consciousness with cannabis, I often see other timelines, other possibilities, and can see a way to start the ball rolling, and yet I can't make the ball roll. The next day I'm no longer feeling affected by my inability to find another way. To find a different kind of life. And so I let go again and carry on. It can be frustrating sometimes.

Walking away is a test of faith. Perhaps I don't have what it takes any more. I should probably just accept things as they are.

Thank you for your responses. I'm glad you're here.

 

[Suzette]

Stop noticing what you are noticing. "I've put myself into a situation that makes it very difficult to change". This is just your thought. Nothing more.
Stop looking at it. It is hard to go from noticing you are stuck to seeing a way to get tbe ball rolling.
That is "efforting". That is, trying to force what IS to be something else. It is not your job!
Say to your self "I want x" then find a way to distract yourself.
You don't have to do anything else.
So you don't have X right now. It is no big deal. X is coming. You will have X. Distract yourself so that you aren't thinking about what you don't have. Distract yourself from thinking about how to acquire X. You don't need to.

 

[SimonSays]

I know what you say is true. But what I think I might want is not what I feel I can have. I'm not sure about anything. I've been thinking what do I want? What do I really want?

The strange thing is... I'm not sure I want anything, not specifically anyway. Not like holding a dream or a desire, something I really want and then just getting on with life, having faith that the universal will provide what I need. I am certain what you say is true; it is how the universe works, and yet I don't believe it. Not because I believe something else... I just don't know how to believe anything at all. Nothing makes sense to me like it once did. It is why I am where I am.

 

[Wulven]

SimonSays. You sound a bit like a Kajit.

 

[Suzette]

I know what you say is true. But what I think I might want is not what I feel I can have. I'm not sure about anything. I've been thinking what do I want? What do I really want?

The strange thing is... I'm not sure I want anything, not specifically anyway. Not like holding a dream or a desire, something I really want and then just getting on with life, having faith that the universal will provide what I need. I am certain what you say is true; it is how the universe works, and yet I don't believe it. Not because I believe something else... I just don't know how to believe anything at all. Nothing makes sense to me like it once did. It is why I am where I am.

Perfect! Now you are free. Do you want to be happy? You can't strive for it because it isn't a thing. You do not acquire happiness.
Look up You Tube videos of Speeches by Alan Watts. He is dead now but his speeches were uploaded (by his estate?). Good stuff!

 

[Wulven]

I know what you say is true. But what I think I might want is not what I feel I can have. I'm not sure about anything. I've been thinking what do I want? What do I really want?

The strange thing is... I'm not sure I want anything, not specifically anyway. Not like holding a dream or a desire, something I really want and then just getting on with life, having faith that the universal will provide what I need. I am certain what you say is true; it is how the universe works, and yet I don't believe it. Not because I believe something else... I just don't know how to believe anything at all. Nothing makes sense to me like it once did. It is why I am where I am.

May

I know what you say is true. But what I think I might want is not what I feel I can have. I'm not sure about anything. I've been thinking what do I want? What do I really want?

The strange thing is... I'm not sure I want anything, not specifically anyway. Not like holding a dream or a desire, something I really want and then just getting on with life, having faith that the universal will provide what I need. I am certain what you say is true; it is how the universe works, and yet I don't believe it. Not because I believe something else... I just don't know how to believe anything at all. Nothing makes sense to me like it once did. It is why I am where I am.

What is it you want SimonSays?

 

[Suzette]

@SimonSays, I've never really wanted "things". I have wanted experiences and to feel different things. I have never wanted a career for example or dreamed of a big wedding and house in the suburbs.
My early years were spent being confused because most people only understand "stuff".
I have concluded that it's ok to live like I do. I am not concerned with plans or objects. Some might say I am a drifter. This might be true. I drift until I am inspired. I focus on today and ignore yesterday and I don't dwell on tomorrow. I have few personal possessions. I will not leave money or property to my son. His only legacy from me is being truly present when we are together.
I may die unable to afford palative care or a nurse to help me bathe my back side. That's o.k..
I contribute to humanity by not being a pest. There will be no monuments in my name. I am o.k. with that!
What I am sayi g is that you don't need to want stuff. You can just live in any way that makes sense to you. It's O.K.
The world has enough ambition. No one needs ours except those who are too into their little boxes. We frustrate those people. But it is not our job to get them out!

 

[Aspychata]

I am surrendering a person l really liked. The road feels like it is no longer there. There is no path left. The universe has shown me that this one has no room for me. And that's okay.