I need some good advice and experience please

[Joshua the Writer]

Sounds like maybe professional help would good for him.

Welcome to the forums, @NiniS29! I hope you have a great time here!

I also agree with this right here.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

First and foremost, take care of yourself. Make sure you're physically safe, like that he won't hit you in a meltdown, and make sure you have a place to go, emergency fund, etc if things don't work out or end suddenly. Also, assess if you can really be happy in that relationship. Denial and refusing to get help are bad signs.

It's crazy how much your story reminds me of my current situation, except I'm him. Whether or not I stay with her, I owe her an apology. I'll try and explain some things you mentioned from my perspective, but remember this is me, with my own background and other mental issues. I'm not him.

- Those of us on the spectrum generally don't handle change well, and tend to need controlled and predictable environments. You sound extremely accommodating, so it might just be that he can't handle living with others period, which is not your fault.
- I personally am guilty of the breaking up then changing my mind thing, typically when I get overwhelmed and feel that nothing's working, or can work, and thus it's the only logical option left. Note I suffer from depression and anxiety, too, so those probably play into it by increasing hopelessness and panic.
- The times he won't say what's wrong or why, it's possible that he can't, because he doesn't know himself. When my partner and I got together, I had no clue I was on the spectrum. There were times I'd be upset or angry, and I knew I was being irrational but couldn't help it, and couldn't explain myself. Now that I know about my ASD I often can figure out what's bothering me, but before I couldn't.
- You mentioned he's doing a master's degree. That burns up a lot of mental energy. We tend to lose function and can meltdown or shutdown when we're overloaded. His workload and stress of shared environment probably has him fairly close to overload most of the time. Hence being just an angry shell.

Again, I'm not him. I'm not a psychologist either. I just wrote to share my own experience in case something was useful. Remember, we don't know if he's on the spectrum or not (and I'm not formally diagnosed, if you really want to nitpick). Anyway, good luck to you both.

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

I had to laugh at the shoe box thing. I love boxes - cigar boxes, boxes that were made, pretty boxes. I hang onto shoe boxes for storing things. Any decent size box - I want. Because I can put SOMETHING inside them.

I love a good box, but I don't actually have anything to put in most boxes so they just end up piling up in my closet and drawers. Then the rational part of my brain reminds me that I'll never need all of those boxes and they're just taking up space that I don't have, so I sadly let someone get rid of them so I don't have to do it myself. I imagine that when I have more space I will own many, many boxes.

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

You said that you are living in a small space with no where for anyone to be alone, and that he's in grad school. Those two things could definitely be contributing to your problems and explain why everything has gotten worse. I'm in grad school right now too, and even my neurotypical classmates are constantly on the verge of something like a meltdown at this point in our program. If his program is also stressful then that stress could be reducing his ability to deal with stress in other areas of his life. I've also shared a very small space with other people before, and it drove me crazy. You can like someone quite well when you aren't in each other's space all the time but have nothing but stress and anger when you have no where to reliably be by yourself. He may be fine with living with someone but not in such a small space. This is especially true for someone with Aspergers. This could increase the chances of a meltdown and decrease his desire or ability for emotional connection. Finishing grad school and moving somewhere that gives you both personal space with doors could improve things a lot.

However, he needs a better way to deal with these meltdowns than taking it out on you. If he won't consider Aspergers but does think he has anxiety, could you convince him to get professional help with the anxiety? Some methods of dealing with anxiety can also help with meltdowns and other problems related to Aspergers. If he won't do anything about it, you might try talking to a mental health professional yourself for help with this relationship. There's only so much you can do with someone who won't acknowledge that there's a problem or try to find a solution.