I laughed at a bird video, then I realized why I started crying

[UberScout]

Because i remembered when the last time I laughed that hard was, then I remembered that when I laughed that hard I was actually happy. Legitimately happy. Then I remembered all the times I was told not to laugh, or at least got punished for laughing when I shouldn't be like if people were asleep in the morning or something, then i remembered how my life is going now, then it felt like it was wrong for me to laugh at that video now, even if it actually WAS okay for me to laugh... and I just. I cried. I looked at a five second video of a parrot hitting something against his cage, scaring himself and flying at the ceiling, and shouting "the hell was that?!" At the cage, and I freaking wheezed like I havent in so long, then I stopped, remembered all the above, and just fell into tears.

It should never be wrong for me to be happy at anything. But it is, then it isn't, then it is etc.
I shouldnt have to apologize for laughing at something I think is funny and someone else doesn't. But I do. I do have to apologize and theres nothing I can ever say or do to be right.

I wanted really, really bad to listen to one of the hypnosis files I saved on my phone. Just forget all of this and relax, like Ms. Pepper has been teaching me to do. And I was about to. But then it didnt feel right. It didn't feel right because I was just too upset, too angry. Then we all fought over something stupid, like WE ALWAYS DO, and I started to walk down the road LIKE I ALWAYS DO, then I came back in and went in the bathroom and sat down and thought LIKE I ALWAYS DO...

It just felt like if I started listening to a hypnosis file that it would be too hard to get relaxed in time to do what it says, and that didnt feel right at all.

I just
I CAN'T
I HATE THAT I
I JUST

I had to delete a video off Maddog's phone that he recorded of me during a meltdown! He was going to show it to my therapist to get her to sign a release to have me sent to Cherry, and I KNEW that he was lying when I calmed down and he told me he wasn't going to do it anymore. I knew this, because I remembered the lock pattern to get into his phone that he hasn't changed, and when I checked his video folder, it was still there! 2:37 of me being harassed by my OWN STEPFATHER, STILL THERE ON HIS SD CARD, READY TO DEMONIZE ME EVEN WHEN HE PROMISED HE WASN'T GOING TO!

I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere.
I'm a mistake. A cosmic earthly anomaly flukes by the powers that be, and until I die somehow, some way, nothing can ever change that. I have lost so many things that were important to my life too early, too soon to be taken away when I needed them most. I have been hurt enough times to physically die of a broken heart, yet somehow, if that was the plan for me I have defied it again and again, and to this day I pray that such an opportunity comes again so I can fulfill whatever meaning that purpose was supposed to have. If it really was supposed to happen, and doing so was meant to teach my toxic family a lesson in not dividing a house against itself and not being selfish, not being angry all the mother loving time, and for ONCE saying something positive in an impasse, then great googly expletive googly I have titanicly screwed that chance six ways from Easter sunday!!

What crime did I commit in a past life to be cursed with autism in this one?! Was I a great philosopher and I asked the wrong questions? Was I a tiger that wandered into an Sumerian village and ate someone's kid?! Was I just born under the wrong constellation at the wrong time on the wrong day?!

Somebody get me off this horrible planet... please... I can't take it anymore. It hurts. It really really hurts. I was never meant to come here to this stupid, belligerent spinning blue sphere of lies, deceit, pain and all around hell. I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to still be full of the blue fur I had in the other world, able to heal someone just by putting my hand on their shoulder. Just put my hand there and drain all that sadness, that fear and stress and worry away from their minds and make it inert. Make them sleep it away after it made them feel safe and protected. I don't think I'll ever remember the people I had before. I don't think I could ever find them again. I don't think I could ever shed the same tears. The ones I cry now aren't from or for this world; they are the tears I shed somewhere else in the cosmos. And all I can ever remember about myself back then, what was the 90s for Earth, was that I as tall as someone's waist, I had blue fur, and i could make people feel better by just patting them on their head or their shoulders or their backs. And if I try to do that now, here? I'm a creep. I'm a pervert. I'm a [expletive] disgusting sex hound. Just cause I tried to do reiki.

Why couldn't I just be like my zen'alu self now?! Why did this stupid, hateful, belligerent society have to sap me dry of the bubbly little ball of fluff I remember being?! No, that doesnt MATTER now! All that EVER matters is that little Tyler stops being a little [expletive] sissy girl and grows a set of balls! I didn't HAVE balls before I installed myself here, you piece of donkey [expletive]! I had synthetic hormone cells, and they were INSIDE me, not outside!

I am NOT OKAY! I am NOT FINE! I am HURT! I am HOMESICK! I am utterly and methodically SICK and TIRED of this planet!

I....i'm...
Tired...
Really tired...

 

[SusanLR]

We don't know the real reason for being put here in these physical, what I refer to as meatsuits, do we?
Reincarnation, a higher consciousness willed it or what.
That wrong planet syndrome.
You feel stuck.

No one knows why this existence was created.
But, it was and you were and I am too. Ride the waves and think deeply to the real reasons
of emotions, beliefs, experiences, if you can. There is some reason we are here. Beyond two people
having sex.

 

[Alexej]

There is some reason we are here.

Yes there is - but finding it is a life's long labour. But the seeking may be the answer!


Sorry if this does not make sense - it just does not, but in a strange way that is OK

 

[onlything]

It sounds really difficult... and Maddogs seems really awful. He shouldn't have done it. What even is that cruel idea of recording someone during their meltdown? That's just awful.

I feel you about the laughter. And crying. It was be quiet for me too, don't laugh, don't cry, don't step too loudly, just pretend you're not there. And I feel you about the lack of belonging, of control over your life, of freedom. Wrong planet syndrome. What a joke life can be at times. What a bitter joke.

Is there a way for you to leave? Or plan to leave in the future? I ran away once. The best decision of my life. Will do it again as soon as possible.

Reason... I don't believe in reasons. But I believe in choices. Maybe you could find and choose a reason for yourself. Difficult but doable. You can do it. Just keep it up, a day, then another and another. You can keep going for as long as you decide you want to keep trying.

 

[UberScout]

The thing is, I don't want to leave my family behind now. Despite how toxic they are they still show love just like my Avalon family did. This one just has a more direct way of talking to one another. I do love my family here. I really do. But that doesn't mean they don't do stuff that's crappy. I'm not gonna hate them for that. I can't, they saved me from my uncle and aunt, and their slave master vibrations.

If I run away again, they'll take the option to come back away from me forever. And I can't survive like I was able to on Avalon. The Pleiadian/Arcturian body I had before was designed to digest food for much, much longer than a human body, because it wasn't carbon based like a typical human body, it drew things like plasma and concentrated electrons from other sources, of course that was primarily for mental energy, but it did go towards my body somewhat. The need to eat was for things like being able to walk and use physical strength, but some days I just kinda floated around. Don't know how I was able to do that. I remember having healing and calming powers but not being able to levitate. At least not much.

But that's beside the point.

I can never match the energy or vibrations that Maddog has. He's not a Starseed like I am. Well, if he is a nonhuman, I don't know what kind. But he seems too human. And he has a past with the military. He was a drill sergeant for...two years? Maybe? And he had very, VERY unique discipline methods. Winslow and Dorothy were just fine with hazing you with a belt, but cross DrillSeargent!Charles, and you'll be writing in a journal about how cold it was to sit on that ice cube with your wrists and ankles tied it. And how would like to spend four days taking an AK-47 apart and put it back together wrong on purpose because "you don't know ya balls from two eggs on a pool table"?

To this day he still thinks it's okay to pretend he's still in the military. And he thinks that doing that crap is okay to discipline an autistic young man with.

Mo... m...molan....molana molana... molana molana...

 

[Fino]

The G.O.S.P.E.L Message Explained - Life In 6 Words