I have a problem I think... I yell at people that yell

[Berianireth]

I'm terrible at figuring out why people are in bad moods, and I'm equally bad at figuring out when some people just speak with tones all the time. Incidentally, I absorb their rotten habits when communicating with them. It takes gross amounts of focus to overcome the inclination to do so. Does anyone else have experience with this, and have you found a good way of coping?

 

[On the Inside]

I do too, to some extent. I had an experience this weekend that fits. My partner stopped at a garage sale on her way home from work and found some things that she wanted, but didn't have enough cash with her. We went there later on to get two things. The family was in the process of moving, they had a moving van parked in the driveway, like they were ready to pile everything in that didn't sell and take it to the new house. My partner made an offer on the two items, lower than their asking price, but it was all the cash we had. I guess the guy got offended, said he wouldn't accept the offer in a rather rude way, and repeated in an even ruder way when my partner politely responded. It got me riled up, the guy was a jerk, and it made me want to cuss him out for being rude to my partner, but I kept my mouth shut. There were some other people there looking at stuff, along with the guy's teenage son and daughter, they were obviously embarrassed. One of the people offered to pay the extra $.50(!!) and we were on our way.

Afterwards, my partner was pretty upset, and she said that the best thing to do in those situations is to let the other person be a jerk, don't dilute their actions by being a jerk back, or mirroring their behavior. Hard to do in real time, but something that I've been trying to put into practice.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, sadly this is my problem.

An up to date example: my husband had to visit a dr where we used to live, which is about 30mins drive. The dr filled in forms etc and my husband tried to send it to the place, where he would get some money, whilst off work. The dr had put the wrong date and the offices, REFUSED to accept it and so, my husband had no choice but go back and get the dr to change the date and then, the offices ( to pay him whilst off sick), refused again to accept it and my husband said that why should he be penalized for another's errors and she just shrugged how shoulders and said: that is the way it is! When my husband related this to me, I was FUMING and sadly, started to swear.

Basically, I hate injustice and react!

No, at the moment, have no found a way to calm down, but actually, I never swear to the person; just feel angry inside!

 

[royinpink]

I do have a temper. I have made a point of not following in my father's footsteps and actually screaming at people. But many times the best I can do is walk away. And keep walking. And walking. Across the city.

In fact, one of the first conversations I remember having with my ex ended like that. We were discussing feminism. Whatever he said set me off, and I just left him there in the street and went home. When he asked me why later, I said I did it so that I wouldn't punch him. He said he wouldn't mind as long as it was in the stomach, not the face (never took him up on that).

But I guess for me it's not just in response to yelling but more to misunderstanding. People who falsely ridicule me or just insist I'm saying something other than what I said can infuriate me in no time flat. It's that feeling of not being heard, not being able to communicate--it makes me feel powerless I guess, which drives me crazy, which makes me even more unable to communicate...etc.

I'm not sure if this is what you mean to address or if you're talking about mirroring people? I do that, but more unconsciously. I like to think I only mirror the positive stuff, but negativity affects me also, usually in that I assume it's my fault, and then I get very insecure about it and catastrophize.

 

[Tom]

When you are going to react in a way that you would prefer not to, you need a reason strong enough to stop you.

One method I use when I feel the negative reaction coming on is to imagine taking the high road and remaining calm and civil. One thing it does is just avoid a lot of general crap. The other is it leaves me in a better position to deal with whatever it was. Like getting the advantage of the high ground.

 

[jayster]

I'm never inclined to yell, but once someone annoys me and I can feel the anger rising I become what I would describe as "snarly". I like to walk away at this point, I find feeling angry to be really destructive; it stays with me a long time

 

[Berianireth]

But I guess for me it's not just in response to yelling but more to misunderstanding. People who falsely ridicule me or just insist I'm saying something other than what I said can infuriate me in no time flat. It's that feeling of not being heard, not being able to communicate--it makes me feel powerless I guess, which drives me crazy, which makes me even more unable to communicate...etc.

I'm not sure if this is what you mean to address or if you're talking about mirroring people? I do that, but more unconsciously. I like to think I only mirror the positive stuff, but negativity affects me also, usually in that I assume it's my fault, and then I get very insecure about it and catastrophize.

I am always initially infuriated when I'm really misunderstood too... I am kind of a temperamental person, I guess, but mainly around people that have extra attitude. I am talking about mirroring people... to clarify. I respond with a similar tone before I even realize it, and then I catch myself doing it after the fact. Ironically I suppose I catch myself because I will start to feel a little steamed from all of the shouting. I think I have reduced my tendency to do it by realizing that I start to feel more negative, but I can't seem to catch myself before I do it. Good to know I'm not alone here though!

 

[Beverly]

I'm pretty even tempered and, have learned not to mirror others tone when speaking but, don't push me when I walk away or go silent in a heated conversation.

I've been pushed a few times and, the results are not pretty. I don't yell or scream, my word become cold and calculated, then I knock the living tar out of whomever dared push me that far and, I don't care how big they are, if they wear glass or, if they are male or female.

I'm patient, tolerant and pretty long suffering but I do have my limits and, I refuse to be treated like dirt, ignored or, called unintelligent in any way. I am no less a person that anyone else and, no one is going to treat me as if I am PERIOD.

 

[Berianireth]

According to many I'm full of really vicious come-backs. I wish that I weren't! I not-very-gently implied that a classmate was trying to escort me to the restroom in a way that managed to silence the entire class. xD It was probably too much, and I'm aware of this habit of mine as something that could cause major trouble. I hope I don't ever get myself fired with it.
This is another issue entirely. I'm getting used to the person that made me think of it. It's a two-way language comprehension problem, but a lot of people don't understand me... so I'll just treat it as an ongoing thing. I'm putting more effort into just sounding optimistic and happy around the person so they don't feel encouraged to be annoyed.

 

[ChrisC1983]

i call it being reflective... if somebody is being nice, calm, relaxing.. that's also how i will speak with them. but if they're angry and yelling i will either step away..... or, if unable to, i will blow it out of immense proportion which will usually make them stop ranting and raving. mind you my family is bipolar and one could argue i am a touch myself (but, knowing it's there.. i'm generally aware that i'm flipping back and fourth and do it purposely)
so, for instance.. when somebody is complaining about another saying how annoying they are and that they want to kick their ass... i'll retort with a loud (for me.. for the example i'm keeping in the swearing).. "f**k that, you should gut that bi**h like a fish, skin them, cook them and have a giant BBQ for that other as*ho** down the street"...... or something to that effect. usually, going that overboard will make them realize they sound crazy (or i sound crazy anyway) so they stop complaining. or atleast they switch to a more calm tone and say the actual problem they're having with the person instead of just yelling and swearing

or, other times, i'll stand back and observe the situation.. so i just end up laughing the whole time because all the drama is ridiculous and entertaining to me.... lets face it, a lot of arguments people have are usually fairly petty and have simple solutions that never dawned on the person because they aren't able to just rationally think of anything and just switch right into anger when the person or situation arises.