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I feel really thrown for a loop

Neri said:
My partner was a bit like this at first. I was the one to tell him I had feelings for him (we met through our children being best friends) and he got physical with me and later backed off.
In his case he'd had a lot of relational trauma and he got scared. Things were moving too fast.
He did say he wanted friendship with me.
So initially, after hot steamy attraction. I was friend zoned and I was devastated because I had zero doubts about him. I was so attracted, I quickly became obsessed.

I had to back off. And I respected his boundaries. I accepted the friendship and eventually he was ready to trust that I was a safe enough person to proceed with and now we've been together for 14 years and we're still crazy about each other.

You know what I did? I played the field while waiting for him to be ready for more. I got on with my life. I studied. I worked. I got in great shape. I cried a lot in the shower. I had some shallow meaningless sex with people I wasn't invested in too, which, I'll admit, I'm not super proud of, and I don't particularly condone or1 recommend but I was nursing a broken heart and doing whatever I could to distract myself.

We talked a lot on the phone and we both valued each other as a friend, first and foremost, because both being autistic people we have both had a lot of loneliness, bullying, very hard times and a decided lack of real friends, so the most beautiful thing WAS the fact that, FINALLY, we both found a friend.

It sounds like there is attraction between you, so my advice would be to relax, take it easy, see her as a person, as a friend, don't try to get heavy or rush things.

As a woman you get sick of the fact that, pretty much nearly every man you meet, wants to get in your pants and that's about all he really seems interested in. That's boring because any woman will do. We all have the right body parts. But a guy who sees you? As a person, first and foremost? That's rare. Someone who doesn't have that same Ole obvious agenda? Who is willing to get to know you and see if you really are compatible for a long term relationship? That's worth taking your time for. That's worth pursuing.

I was the one to initiate in my relationship, which, I know, is rare for a female. I'm an unusual woman, to say the least, but, I am in a successful relationship, after a lot of very painful, lonely and hard times and I've got there by being respectful, being patient, letting go of my expectations and attachments time and time again, listening to my heart and honoring myself, doing self care and being proactive in developing myself, being courageous and reaching out and communicating, time and time again, getting over feeling sorry for myself while at the same time, having compassion and understanding for myself, putting myself "out there" and building social confidence and just generally getting on with my life and that made me infinitely more attractive and alluring to the person I wanted to attract.
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I had a very similar situation, however it hurt too much to be just friends. Plus we both have avoidant attachment style, so if l was pushing him away, he was pushing me away.
 
Any woman would be lucky to have me. I really believe this.

I’m in my early thirties, so I’m not a senior citizen yet, but I’m also not a teenager anymore. I’m not getting younger, and I want someone I can get serious with.
 
I don't want to minimise the legitimate pain you are feeling but infatuations come as quickly as they go. For me personally.
 
Yes I wish love was straight forward like it seemed to be in the past. I think autistics would have fared better.
 
After any high is a crash so don't think too much into feeling bad the next few days. Look after yourself and treat yourself
 
BewilderedPerson said:
Wow. So, I texted her at 6:00. Not only has there been no response, it appears my message hasn’t even been delivered.

I’m afraid I might be blocked.
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Stop right there. As an earlier poster mentioned, these strategies are games. There's a point where communicating and making your position/feelings clear becomes an attempt to cajole, and I think that never really works. Avoid the dynamic where you're trying to sell something and they get to be the customer.

At the moment your messages aren't you thinking "oh yeah, that's something important she doesn't know" or similar, it's attempting to move the situation in the direction you want. Again, there is a difference between clearing the path so the other person doesn't get misunderstand you, and actually giving an impression of railroading the other person.

People are really sensitive to the idea that they are being pressured and their choices are being shut down. Sending messages that say something like "Hey, how are you?" but come loaded with "You need to answer this to reassure me" vibes is going to be received negatively. If you are sending messages purely for the response, this will be perceived as an attempt to bind the relationship. That will take a thought of "do I want this relationship or not?" into the direction of "this is happening, do I need to stop it?" quickly.
 
MNAus said:
Stop right there. As an earlier poster mentioned, these strategies are games. There's a point where communicating and making your position/feelings clear becomes an attempt to cajole, and I think that never really works. Avoid the dynamic where you're trying to sell something and they get to be the customer.

At the moment your messages aren't you thinking "oh yeah, that's something important she doesn't know" or similar, it's attempting to move the situation in the direction you want. Again, there is a difference between clearing the path so the other person doesn't get misunderstand you, and actually giving an impression of railroading the other person.

People are really sensitive to the idea that they are being pressured and their choices are being shut down. Sending messages that say something like "Hey, how are you?" but come loaded with "You need to answer this to reassure me" vibes is going to be received negatively. If you are sending messages purely for the response, this will be perceived as an attempt to bind the relationship. That will take a thought of "do I want this relationship or not?" into the direction of "this is happening, do I need to stop it?" quickly.
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I just told her I hoped she was feeling better (she was tired last night), and that I wished her good luck with her DnD game tonight.
 
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