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I feel really thrown for a loop

Lot of us have that trouble, that is a feature of being autistic. Then over-thinking a situation is another one of our habits. I have trained myself not over think, or ruminate. So you may be over-thinking and blaming yourself, when it's nobody's fault. It's just life. You sound very together, l think you might do better getting out and doing things, then it's a more natural process meeting someone. Everyday, talk to a lady, ask her name, compliment her on something, see if she will meet for coffee. Just have coffee dates, don't expect anything, just talk, then maybe you feel better about your people skills. Woman aren't a big mystery.
 
Aspychata said:
Lot of us have that trouble, that is a feature of being autistic. Then over-thinking a situation is another one of our habits. I have trained myself not over think, or ruminate. So you may be over-thinking and blaming yourself, when it's nobody's fault. It's just life. You sound very together, l think you might do better getting out and doing things, then it's a more natural process meeting someone. Everyday, talk to a lady, ask her name, compliment her on something, see if she will meet for coffee. Just have coffee dates, don't expect anything, just talk, then maybe you feel better about your people skills. Woman aren't a big mystery.
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That’s my problem. I absolutely overthink and overanalyze stuff.

My problem is I have a job that’s not a normal 9-5 and hours are all over the place and I can be insanely busy a lot of times, plus I’m a homebody, but then again, being a homebody has landed me some but not a lot of the results I’m looking for.

I’m also in a rural area of about 15,000 or 16,000 people of the town I’m in.
 
From my own perspective, one must do everything they can to subdue their own sense of urgency in such matters. Otherwise that odds are it will work decidedly against you.

To project how you feel, but not overwhelm the object of your affections. To profoundly be patient, and not bother with second-guessing intentions that can so easily backfire on you.

Not an easy task for most autistic guys, but that it can be the difference between a relationship blossoming, and being abruptly rejected for coming on too strong.
 
That's difficult, your job, and being remote. Men sometimes are really ready to settle down into a committed relationship, and kinda of feel a woman will pop up just because. It just doesn't quite work out that way. I lived 2 years together with my guy then we married. So it didn't happen overnight. So you may just be feeling frustrated at this point. Dating is a struggle in itself, and that can be frustrating. I always tried to find interesting things to do, so my guy and l now will discuss all the fun things we did. Our first really big deal date was parasail off the coast of Maui. Now l would be too scared as a older woman to do it. So the next lady that comes along, get out of your comfort zone and maybe try something new. It increases bonding between you and her.
 
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Aspychata said:
That's difficult, your job, and being remote. Men sometimes are really ready to settle down into a committed relationship, and kinda of feel a woman will pop up just because. It just doesn't quite work out that way. I lived 2 years together with my guy then we married. So it didn't happen overnight. So you may just be feeling frustrated at this point.
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Frustrated because I asked out my first girl at 15, got shot down and got way more nos than yesses and the longest relationship I’ve ever been in was four months.
 
Judge said:
From my own perspective, one must do everything they can to subdue their own sense of urgency in such matters. Otherwise that odds are it will work decidedly against you.

To project how you feel, but not overwhelm the object of your affections. To profoundly be patient, and not bother with second-guessing intentions that can so easily backfire on you.

Not an easy task for most autistic guys, but that it can be the difference between a relationship blossoming, and being abruptly rejected for coming on too strong.
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Coming on strong is always a problem for me. I tell myself I won’t do it with this one, I won’t do it, then I fall into that trap even when I might go a day without having contacted this one, or she initiated or I’m busy.
 
Coming on too strong sends signals of desperation. Not something you want to show. You were in a four month relationship. That's great news. I am a fairly attractive female, and l went a long time in my life not dating. So it may not be you at all. A lot of women concentrate more on jobs and go to school. Stay positive, change something about you, reinvent yourself. Maybe a tattoo, maybe a different haircut, maybe up your game in how you dress. Change your swag, maybe that will give you more confidence. The thing about a tattoo, is that it opens the floor to woman coming up and talking about it. Or a cute friendly dog is another thing that will open conversations. Plus dogs will give you endless amounts of love when woman let you down. Check out the humane society for a furball of fun. The smaller dogs will pee on pads if trained nicely.
 
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BewilderedPerson said:
Coming on strong is always a problem for me. I tell myself I won’t do it with this one, I won’t do it, then I fall into that trap even when I might go a day without having contacted this one, or she initiated or I’m busy.
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It is for most of us. You truly aren't alone there. Perhaps one of the most critical times in our autistic lives when we must struggle to resist our own traits and behaviors. To move ahead in a social interaction with the most meaning to us.

Not to mention the likelihood of how it can contrast with someone who has had other failed relationships before, and can be quite skittish about the next romance. Autistic or not...we can all experience what I refer to as being "gunshy". Which sadly can equally be problematic as one projecting too much urgency.

But just being aware of both possibilities may become of great use to you both. Enough to back off to appear much more relaxed than you may actually be. I've been in both situations. Where I sensed my own urgency would ruin things, and yet at other times having a sense of revulsion towards anyone displaying too much urgency. Enough so to scare me off.

So....fight your own instincts. If not to save the prospects of this relationship, then perhaps the next.
 
Aspychata said:
Coming on too strong sends signals of desperation. Not something you want to show. You were in a four month relationship. That's great news. I am fairly attractive female, and l went a long time in my life not dating. So it may not be you at all. A lot of women concentrate more on jobs and go to school. Stay positive, change something about you, reinvent yourself. Maybe a tattoo, maybe a different haircut, maybe up your game in how you dress. Change your swag, maybe that will give you more confidence.
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Desperation, possibly. I know I badly want affection and intimacy and a life partner. But I wasn’t coming onto because I wanted just anybody. I truly have been into ger.

I guess the way I’m changing things is the weight I’ve lost as I put on a lot of weight in late 2023 and I guess I’m now a cynic with women and feel they need to earn my trust, not the other way around.

I shaved my head not long before the lockdown happened. I don’t do tattoos, but I’d say if I have any confidence, it’s a quiet confident where I just go about things and know what I’m capable of, not one to project confidence to the whole world.
 
Judge said:
It is for most of us. You truly aren't alone there. Perhaps one of the most critical times in our autistic lives when we must struggle to resist our own traits and behaviors. To move ahead in a social interaction with the most meaning to us.

Not to mention the likelihood of how it can contrast with someone who has had other failed relationships before, and can be quite skittish about the next romance. Autistic or not...we can all experience what I refer to as being "gunshy". Which sadly can equally be problematic as one projecting too much urgency.

But just being aware of both possibilities may become of great use to you both. Enough to back off to appear much more relaxed than you may actually be. I've been in both situations. Where I sensed my own urgency would ruin things, and yet at other times having a sense of revulsion towards anyone displaying too much urgency. Enough so to scare me off.

So....fight your own instincts. If not to save the prospects of this relationship, then perhaps the next.
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Maybe I convinced myself she was a miracle, because we had common ground, including but not limited to the spectrum, we’re not originally from where we’re at and we’re only 10 minutes from each other, and we (at least I) had an amazing first date. It felt like a miracle.

The problem is, I don’t know when that next relationship will be. It might take another 2-4 years before I meet someone else.
 
This will sound strange, but when l craved human touch, l had a body massage, and it really released a lot of tension. Needing human touch is normal. Nothing wrong there. Just stay positive, maybe she has stuff going on, or she is stressed, or she isn't sure if she wants a relationship. Just back off, for the sake of the relationship. Then reward yourself, so you feel good about how you are regulating yourself.
 
Aspychata said:
This will sound strange, but when l craved human touch, l had a body massage, and it really released a lot of tension. Needing human touch is normal. Nothing wrong there. Just positive, maybe she has stuff going on, or she is stressed, or she isn't sure if she wants a relationship. Just back off, for the sake of the relationship. Then reward yourself, so you feel good about how you are regulating yourself.
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Maybe I just got so excited because we held hands, cuddled and kissed a few times and she put her hand on my face when we took a selfie.

It’d been a while since I got that affection from a woman.
 
Still no response from her 24 hours later. I reached out to my therapist and psychiatrist what happened Wednesday, how I’ve been feeling and what’s happened since.

I told them I’d do anything to make things right between us, but I don’t know how that’s possible without overstepping boundaries.

And maybe we did both made mistakes in the time we first started talking and were seeing each other, but as far as I’m concerned, only one of us is paying the price for it, only one of us is holding the bag - and from what I can tell, it isn’t her.


It seems I’m always stuck holding the bag, dating or other walks of life.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
Still no response from her 24 hours later. I reached out to my therapist and psychiatrist what happened Wednesday, how I’ve been feeling and what’s happened since.

I told them I’d do anything to make things right between us, but I don’t know how that’s possible without overstepping boundaries.

And maybe we did both made mistakes in the time we first started talking and were seeing each other, but as far as I’m concerned, only one of us is paying the price for it, only one of us is holding the bag - and from what I can tell, it isn’t her.


It seems I’m always stuck holding the bag, dating or other walks of life.
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I'll be honest, I don't see any mistakes made, except your current introspection and persistence in trying to control the situation. But as for the two dates themselves. I guess the only thing I would note is you didn't need to apologise for putting your hand on her leg. Why would you apologise? It sets this unhealthy dynamic of her being a gatekeeper and you pushing your luck. If she was a stranger, yeah, that's weird, but given just a few days earlier you were all over each other it's not at all out of place. You're allowed to have desires. You don't have to apologise for that any more than she would for putting her hand on your face. Don't be shamed into thinking your desires are inappropriate if they are not.

And as it happened it probably reinforced a feeling she had of "I just can't choose what to have from the menu". Some people are terrible at making high stakes decisions. And some people naturally operate where they like to think every decision is high stakes. In makes their life seem more significant. So what you get is the "awwww, I just can't choose. Help me. Someone. I don't want to make the wrong decision" as they stand there in the spotlight deciding if they are going to open the briefcase in front of them or swap it for the other one. When i was young I played into that dynamic thinking "choose me, choose meeeee" but then I realised that removed my dignity as a decent human being. So I changed that and took the decision for them by walking away. It hurt like hell, but my pride felt better for it. As an aside, one girl I was dating who did that whole drama came back to me 15 years later with a "I remember how much fun we had together but, hahahaha, LOL, I bet you're married with kids now" mail to which I replied "yepp, 3 kids".

This introspection is because you and I are autistic. Our sensory input weighs heavier on our decisions than our instincts/models/predictions. Where NTs go with "gut feeling" then make a collage from their observations to fit that, we more heavily try to make sense of what we experience. Right now you trying to make sense of what is happening and as far as possible keep things straightforward, because that's easier to process. You talk about "playing games" but for me the plea is a more general "why do you have to make things so complicated?" (that's a song, right?).

Rally drivers will practice the course a couple of times and drive on the basis of "hard left, sweeping right" or whatever it is the copilot says. You, on the other hand, are registering every single stone, tree, branch, etc going past at 100km/hr and trying to make sense of whether or not that indicates becoming a fireball in a few metres time. And you believe (because that is the brain muscle that is VERY well used) that concentrating even more on the insects and gravel smacking against the windscreen will give you the ability to better work out if you should turn the wheel left or right at this point.

You need to stop. Hands off the wheel (rally car analogy falls apart here). Breathe and accept you cannot brute force this situation with thinking. Not accept as in "I'm fine with this, really. These tears? Tears of JOY" but accept as in "I don't like this one bit, but it is what it is and I must accept I cannot change that".
 
MNAus said:
I'll be honest, I don't see any mistakes made, except your current introspection and persistence in trying to control the situation. But as for the two dates themselves. I guess the only thing I would note is you didn't need to apologise for putting your hand on her leg. Why would you apologise? It sets this unhealthy dynamic of her being a gatekeeper and you pushing your luck. If she was a stranger, yeah, that's weird, but given just a few days earlier you were all over each other it's not at all out of place. You're allowed to have desires. You don't have to apologise for that any more than she would for putting her hand on your face. Don't be shamed into thinking your desires are inappropriate if they are not.

And as it happened it probably reinforced a feeling she had of "I just can't choose what to have from the menu". Some people are terrible at making high stakes decisions. And some people naturally operate where they like to think every decision is high stakes. In makes their life seem more significant. So what you get is the "awwww, I just can't choose. Help me. Someone. I don't want to make the wrong decision" as they stand there in the spotlight deciding if they are going to open the briefcase in front of them or swap it for the other one. When i was young I played into that dynamic thinking "choose me, choose meeeee" but then I realised that removed my dignity as a decent human being. So I changed that and took the decision for them by walking away. It hurt like hell, but my pride felt better for it. As an aside, one girl I was dating who did that whole drama came back to me 15 years later with a "I remember how much fun we had together but, hahahaha, LOL, I bet you're married with kids now" mail to which I replied "yepp, 3 kids".

This introspection is because you and I are autistic. Our sensory input weighs heavier on our decisions than our instincts/models/predictions. Where NTs go with "gut feeling" then make a collage from their observations to fit that, we more heavily try to make sense of what we experience. Right now you trying to make sense of what is happening and as far as possible keep things straightforward, because that's easier to process. You talk about "playing games" but for me the plea is a more general "why do you have to make things so complicated?" (that's a song, right?).

Rally drivers will practice the course a couple of times and drive on the basis of "hard left, sweeping right" or whatever it is the copilot says. You, on the other hand, are registering every single stone, tree, branch, etc going past at 100km/hr and trying to make sense of whether or not that indicates becoming a fireball in a few metres time. And you believe (because that is the brain muscle that is VERY well used) that concentrating even more on the insects and gravel smacking against the windscreen will give you the ability to better work out if you should turn the wheel left or right at this point.

You need to stop. Hands off the wheel (rally car analogy falls apart here). Breathe and accept you cannot brute force this situation with thinking. Not accept as in "I'm fine with this, really. These tears? Tears of JOY" but accept as in "I don't like this one bit, but it is what it is and I must accept I cannot change that".
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I accept I cannot change it, and if Wednesday was the end of us, I’ll get through it, just that there’s no timetable of when I’ll be healed of such pain. I might not be able to change it, but I do beat myself up for it and carry guilt and regret.

I apologized because I didn’t want to upset her, and I don’t want to cross boundaries. I guess I was just trying to get comfortable when she got closer to me and we snuggled for a bit and held hands for a bit.

A lot of things are high stakes with me. I treat my job like it’s the most important thing in the world, and I’m willing to go to extremes to do my job and push through burnout and exhaustion, for example.

Am I making things complicated, or is she? This is especially hard when I’m in a rural area, have had just brief slivers of successes with women and were both on the spectrum.

I know I can’t work things out with her unless she wants to. If given the opportunity, I will absolutely take her up on that.
 
Just let it cool down. Just take a deep breath. And find some peace in just being you. Have you ever thought about a furry little animal? As a friend?
 
Aspychata said:
Just let it cool down. Just take a deep breath. And find some peace in just being you. Have you ever thought about a furry little animal? As a friend?
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Multiple people have suggested this to me. I told them no, and I don’t want this to be suggested to me.

Why?

Because as adorable as furry animals can be, the affection I want from a woman cannot be replicated from an animal.

The peace I’d get would be from finding my person. Nothing else.

Let me elaborate on this a little more:

- I’ve seen the Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup three times in my lifetime.

- I’ve seen the Cubs actually win the World Series in my lifetime.

- I collect signed Sports Illustrateds, and I beam with excitement when I get a new one or look at some of my favorites in my collection.

- I have a job in which I’m very well-received by the community I’m in, as some liken me to a minor celebrity in the area. I’ve been asked for pictures and selfies by some people.

- And as grand as all of that stuff is, none of that, and I mean none of that, eclipses the high I get from being intimate/romantic/affectionate with a woman for me. It’s a feeling, a euphoria, like no other.
 
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She must’ve blocked my number.

Now a healing process begins for something I hoped never would’ve happened.

What could’ve been. What should’ve been.
 
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