I Feel Like My Paranoia Ruined My Life

[HorrendousHexapod]

I think I’ve always been a paranoid person. From as far back as I can remember I’ve had a variety of fears, ranging from things like the dark to nightmares I had that scared me for days, but instead of fading with time like it typically did with other kids, I feel feel like my paranoia has gotten exponentially worse over the years.

I think it all started to go downhill back in 2015, I remember being home alone with a family friend as my parents were out at a parent teacher interview with my brother. I was watching a YouTube video ranking the worst boyfriends and girlfriends, and I remember the announcer saying “theres very few things that will get you into Hell.” I don’t know why, but for some reason, after he said that I felt the urge to look up what will get you into Hell, and I found a list on some religious website that said things like saying the lords name in vain which, as a recent teenager, I did quite a bit. Over the next few weeks I kept feeling the need to apologise to God for every little thing I did wrong, from swearing to getting angry, to the thoughts in my head, pretty soon I kept having intrusive thoughts, saying that I hated God, that I wanted family member to rot in Hell, that I wanted people and animals to die. I didn’t mean any of it, but I kept apologising in my mind because I thought that if I didn’t something bad would happen, or God would think that I really meant it.

Then, in 2016, I started worrying about conspiracy theories. At first it was creationism, and then this theory that dinosaurs never existed. This one got to me because I love dinosaurs. I could’ve just ignored it and went about my day, but I didn’t. I obsessed over everything these people would say, I found myself to listen to every single last one of their arguments, thinking I would be a closed minded idiot if I didn’t, thinking that every time they would come at me with irrefutable proof of their theories, but they never did.

But then, at the end of 2019 and well into 2020, I forced myself to get into politics. I had dabbled in things during the “SJW” era, but this time was different. Over the last five years I’ve subjected myself to some of the most horrible stuff I’ve ever heard, first it was about women, then people of colour, then LGBT people, then liberals and conservatives in general. I think what really got to me about these debates is that they actually used scientific sources, but because I wasn’t well versed in politics or psychology, I felt like I had to believe them because I couldn’t rebut much of what they said. Even then, there were also a variety of contradictory sources, so most of the time I didn’t know what to believe.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep on living like this, but I force myself to. I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve struggled through much of school, struggled through uni, struggled through finding a job, I’m not anywhere near where I wanted to be in life by now, and I think it’s at least partially due to these useless worries. I feel guilty on the occasion that I choose not to engage in politics or conspiracies after having seen a certain article or book or whatever, and part of me is telling myself that I’m a coward who doesn’t want to face the real world by coming here, but a bigger part of me is just sad, sad that I’ve wasted so much of my life, sad that I spend hours worrying about things that probably don’t matter, sad that I barely get joy out of things I used to love, sad that I hardly have the energy to do anything.

I just really want some help, some advice, anything to stop me feeling the way that I do.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am of the mind that it is becoming increasingly difficult to discern fact from fiction, reality from fantasy, and keep our cognitive biases in check with logic and understanding. Biased social media platform posts, biased opinion-editorials, political extremism, blatant lies from our political leaders and policy makers, and artificial intelligence-based "deep fakes" all feeding into our daily lives. It really takes a mindset to simply not believe anything that is said UNTIL you've thoroughly vetted the source and have done the research into both sides of the story. That takes time and effort, but what I've found is that instead of repeating and passing along bad information, it's much better to have a nuanced and balanced assessment of the facts surrounding topics.

I believe taking the time to put a PAUSE on our "knee-jerk" emotional responses and placing more effort into seeking the truth will reduce a lot of anxiety and paranoia, but again, this is a conscious mental exercise that must be repeated, time and time again, before it becomes a normal habit.

Tip: When doing your internet or A.I. searches, formulate your question or inquiry in a neutral manner. HOW you ask the question will often determine the types of answers you receive. Phrases like, "Is there credible evidence that,...", or "What are the pros and cons of,..." will force the search engine to dig deeper into the topic and present a more balanced response. As opposed to say, a biased question that may result in a similarly biased answer. It's sort of like how, for example, JFK Jr. wants to find the cause of autism in this year but has already demonstrated his bias as to what causes it, suggesting that he is looking for evidence to support his bias. It's like "find me evidence to support my bias", which is NOT how to search for the truth.

 

[Mary Terry]

I think I’ve always been a paranoid person. From as far back as I can remember I’ve had a variety of fears, ranging from things like the dark to nightmares I had that scared me for days, but instead of fading with time like it typically did with other kids, I feel feel like my paranoia has gotten exponentially worse over the years.

I think it all started to go downhill back in 2015, I remember being home alone with a family friend as my parents were out at a parent teacher interview with my brother. I was watching a YouTube video ranking the worst boyfriends and girlfriends, and I remember the announcer saying “theres very few things that will get you into Hell.” I don’t know why, but for some reason, after he said that I felt the urge to look up what will get you into Hell, and I found a list on some religious website that said things like saying the lords name in vain which, as a recent teenager, I did quite a bit. Over the next few weeks I kept feeling the need to apologise to God for every little thing I did wrong, from swearing to getting angry, to the thoughts in my head, pretty soon I kept having intrusive thoughts, saying that I hated God, that I wanted family member to rot in Hell, that I wanted people and animals to die. I didn’t mean any of it, but I kept apologising in my mind because I thought that if I didn’t something bad would happen, or God would think that I really meant it.

Then, in 2016, I started worrying about conspiracy theories. At first it was creationism, and then this theory that dinosaurs never existed. This one got to me because I love dinosaurs. I could’ve just ignored it and went about my day, but I didn’t. I obsessed over everything these people would say, I found myself to listen to every single last one of their arguments, thinking I would be a closed minded idiot if I didn’t, thinking that every time they would come at me with irrefutable proof of their theories, but they never did.

But then, at the end of 2019 and well into 2020, I forced myself to get into politics. I had dabbled in things during the “SJW” era, but this time was different. Over the last five years I’ve subjected myself to some of the most horrible stuff I’ve ever heard, first it was about women, then people of colour, then LGBT people, then liberals and conservatives in general. I think what really got to me about these debates is that they actually used scientific sources, but because I wasn’t well versed in politics or psychology, I felt like I had to believe them because I couldn’t rebut much of what they said. Even then, there were also a variety of contradictory sources, so most of the time I didn’t know what to believe.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep on living like this, but I force myself to. I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve struggled through much of school, struggled through uni, struggled through finding a job, I’m not anywhere near where I wanted to be in life by now, and I think it’s at least partially due to these useless worries. I feel guilty on the occasion that I choose not to engage in politics or conspiracies after having seen a certain article or book or whatever, and part of me is telling myself that I’m a coward who doesn’t want to face the real world by coming here, but a bigger part of me is just sad, sad that I’ve wasted so much of my life, sad that I spend hours worrying about things that probably don’t matter, sad that I barely get joy out of things I used to love, sad that I hardly have the energy to do anything.

I just really want some help, some advice, anything to stop me feeling the way that I do.

Avoiding social media is a good place to start.

 

[Judge]

Cognitive Bias:

"Cognitive bias refers to systematic errors in thinking that affect how we process information and make decisions. These biases can lead to distorted judgments and irrational behavior, often based on our beliefs, experiences, and the limited attention we can give to information."

All compounded by a deliberate use of "clickbait" all across the Internet, and particularly pervasive through social and even mainstream media of all kinds. With agendas promoting politics to religion, or more baser instincts like financial gain.

Those who are intentionally capitalizing on the public's sense of cognitive bias. Where truth is no longer an ethical constant, demoted to just a "carrot for a donkey".

Yeah- it's enough to make us all crazy at times. The OP is not alone in this regard. Ironically it makes me think of an interview of a man who was so intimidated by media propaganda on a 24/7 basis that he felt extreme relief being called up for military service. -Circa 1941.

 

[Rodafina]

@HorrendousHexapod,
I wonder if you might benefit from filling your mind with interesting things. Maybe, if you spend time learning new ideas and skills, you would be less likely to perseverate on these things that have been troubling you. I think sometimes a busy but bored mind can become consumed with horrific ideas, including intrusive thoughts.

I've found the more I can actively engage my mind in interesting things, the less power the negative and paranoid thoughts have. It takes effort, no doubt, but it may be worth it to try to take some control over what thoughts your mind is consumed by and steer that ship yourself.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It can be generally said that keeping your body and mind busy and engaged are good for your mental and physical health.

Even if you are not "socially active", be mentally and physically active. It keeps those ruminating thoughts away. Get out, walk, run, bike, hike, climb, swim, rockhound, garden, paint, fishing, build something, create something...any number of things can keep you from sitting in front of the computer, alone in your room, with only your thoughts to keep you company.

 

[Aspychata]

I need to read this advice everyday, when negative feelings sweep you up, do something creative, plant a garden, paint a picture, learn a new language, come up with a new life goal, count things to be happy about,cultivate healty friends, create your favorite food dish, walk or bike in the park, help a neighbor in need, and finally clean your room, your house, your car, your backyard, read a book, go skip rocks across the pond, you get the gist?

 

[RemyZee]

It sounds like you are worrying a lot--not surprising given the nature of things, but your comments about religion--it is so easy to go down a rabbit hole with all of that, and to top it all off with conspiracy theories---well, that is not a very good flavor of ice cream, but it's not surprising at all. Just remember what we see and hear online isn't necessarily in any way true, especially when religion is involved.

 

[Misery]

Definitely get away from social media.

I dont mean just do less of it... I mean entirely 100% dump it. For good.

It isnt designed to connect us with each other, it isnt designed to be informative, it isnt designed to help you, or anything like that. It is designed for one thing, and one thing only: to generate profit. And it does that by getting its users agitated in any way it can, because that makes them more likely to keep watching. Like, seriously, the people behind those companies spend absurd amounts of money just researching how to best do that. The more a user is exposed, the more likely they are to get stapled to it.

And of course, ND people can be more affected by those tactics and tricks than NTs (of course this varies from case to case).

This all includes things like Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and so on. Various sections of Youtube can also count, as many of the more problematic channels will specifically use those very sorts of tactics for exactly the same reason.


I would also very strongly suggest finding other things to do. Activities, hobbies. Things that get your mind engaged in a task you are performing. There's a million different ideas that can work here, but the main thing I find is to be absolutely sure to avoid anything that involves just watching, looking, or listening. Gotta be a hobby where you are actually DOING something. I struggle a lot with getting stuck in loops of just watching stupid things on Youtube, and this is the thing that is helping me finally pull out of it. It's not just that though... I just plain feel much better when mentally engaged. Whereas my mood will drop like a rock if there's nothing to actively do.


I also want to second what @Neonatal RRT said about search engines and AI. Consider carefully how your searches/prompts are worded, as it is important. Perhaps also try to stay away from "heavy" topics. Even if you arent specifically dealing with social media, well, keep in mind that it's not JUST social media which will do anything to get your clicks. The internet as a whole can be a problem as that goes. Maybe stick to really light topics for awhile, when you feel like learning something? Like, I dunno, flowers for instance. Harmless subjects like that.