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I feel alone, even among other autistics.

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by BrokenBoy, Aug 27, 2018.

  1. BrokenBoy

    BrokenBoy 戯言使い(Nonsense User)

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    I've never really been involved with autistic related communties before. This forum is the only exception. I've felt kinda different from other autistics. Despite being officically diagnosed with HFA twice, I've felt different from the others with HFA and I one point questioned if it was even true or not. This is for 3 reasons.

    1. I am an absolute airhead moron and I'm totally talentless. I'm 15 and can't even tie my shoes. I also have a really poor memory and I tend to forget things I learn soon after. I literally can't figure out anything by myself, I always need other people to give me answers.

    2. Unlike most autistics, I don't like schedules in fact, I hate them. I have a reputation among people who know me of being very lazy and unorganized.

    3. I don't have any of the "perks" of being autistic. All autism does is give me more flaws, challenges and complications I have to deal with.

    Every other person on the autistic spectrum I've heard is some sort of socially awkard shy-guy who manages to get by in life because of their intelligence and talent. I'm nothing like that. I just feel so alone... I have noone to relate to this world, autistic or not. The reason why I came here is see if there is someone, and I mean ANYONE who is in the same situation as me so I can talk to them and ask how they make it through life and how I can become happy and not alone anymore. I'm sorry if this post makes me seem like a downer, I get that alot.
     
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  2. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Enjoying life and glad to be alive! V.I.P Member

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    Hi BrokenBoy. I’ll have to disagree with you about being talentless. You are a very good writer.
    Some of us dont find out what we are good at until we are much older than 15.
    Be patient with yourself, try new things when you can, and you will discover that you are good at many things. Like expressing yourself in writing!
     
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  3. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Brokenboy. I have written at lest three times.One time I messed up the post and it looked all silly in the forum format. The second time I think it sounded patronizing. I do not want to sound patronizing. No matter here goes. You gotta hang in there. You gotta keep trying everyday. Set goals and reach for them. Make your life yours. Never give up and never ever let anyone define you as less. Most importantly IMO, you gotta give life time to happen. Your life is a grand story and you are the central character. It is very important that you embrace your part with all you have. Never give up. Keep trying everyday. Give life time to happen. Thank you for posting. I am 48 years old and this has been how I have lived my life. Take care friend.
     
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  4. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Enjoying life and glad to be alive! V.I.P Member

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    I have trouble posting using quotes.
    Just one of those thoughts i just HAD to share.....
     
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  5. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    I so agree with BraidedPony that you are most certainly not untalented. For age 15, your typing skills are spot on and so is your spelling and easy to read and understand.

    I felt much as you did too at your age and no thought of aspergers in the air, so I was just deemed as strange and terribly backward.

    Was 9 when I learnt to read and it was my gran who taught me to tie laces ( today, at 48, I still feel a sort of achievment when I tie a lace).

    I felt again that sense of amazment when I managed to learn to ride a bike without the stablizers and again, it was my gran who taught me. I felt so good that I was able to rid a two wheeler bike and sensed that others just took it for granted.

    I was in my early 30's when as usual I uttered: I am useless with everything and then stopped dead in my thinking process and realised how ridiculous that statement was. If, indeed I was bad at everything, that actually makes me better than my Creator. It doesn't matter if I failed. Who in truth, has tried every single thing this life can offer? Not a single human being and it was not too soon after this revelation that I discovered a flair for cross stitching and I tell you, I get many admiring my work.

    What happens is a lack of self awareness. All too often, when asked what do I like etc, I had no answer. I just had no idea who I was.

    Right from a child, I had this strange image. I could see myself leaving a house, dressed in a suit, with my briefcase in my hand and a newspaper in my other hand. So, I thought: perhaps my goal in life is to be in an office? But it never materalised. In fact that arena would terrify me.

    Some of us have expectations about others and when those expectations are not realised, we feel a deep sense of lonliness.

    You are not alone, for you have us here, who you can rant to as much as you want.
     
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  6. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Perhaps you are listening to the stereotypes too much - autistic people are very varied in their attributes and there is no one set way to be autistic, which, of course, is why it is a spectrum. Probably every single person on this forum feels that in some way they don't fit in among autistics, including myself - in my case it's more that I don't fit in with millenium autistic culture - I'm not into geeky stuff or anime or video games, and I'm not super-intelligent or verbose like others - but I can relate to many of the experiences and feeling of others on the forum.

    I don't believe that there is anyone totally without talent either, as all people have areas where they are stronger and or weaker at, it's just a question of identifying those areas of strength and exploiting them to their full potential.
     
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  7. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm sorry you feel that way :( As others have said, you seem to be a talented writer. Maybe you should write more and build up some confidence? Your age is really tough too. Good luck!
     
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  8. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    Hi Brokenboy:

    I see you are young and searching for some answers.
    I'm old and still searching. It's an on going process for most everyone I think.
    The three things you mention that you feel aren't a part of ASD isn't totally so.
    We are all different on the spectrum.
    It's doubtful you are not talented in some way. Maybe you haven't found "your thing" in life yet.
    Keep your eyes and heart open and be aware of your feelings. We all find something that can
    be called a talent or special interest.
    The feeling of wanting someone to give you answers, sometimes I feel that way too.
    And I've known a few other HFAs that like the enforcement that their decisions sound good and
    ask what someone else thinks. It just feels reassuring.

    "Perks" are going to vary whether autistic or NT. What some people admire in one person,
    someone else may not and will admire something else. Perks are subjective and believe me
    intelligence and talent doesn't equal emotional happiness. That's internal.
    I accept each day for what comes and sail with it. Like a ship in rough seas or a smooth bright
    breeze. They rather equal out when I think about it.

    I hate schedules too. I think deadlines and commitments is being confused with most of us
    wanting a routine. I don't like sudden changes. I like my own routine.

    Feeling alone even with a world full of people is a trait of being Aspie that I've seen many speak
    of. That is the most difficult to me. It's been like living in a bubble and I've been used to having
    someone in that bubble with me until 5 years ago.
    Becoming used to finding you can be content and happy with YOU is a journey.
    But, I keep sailing on and I have a lighthouse in my bedroom window with a soft light on top.
    I look at it everynight before I go to sleep and it is comforting as a reminder I'm finding my way.
    Hang in and you will too. Just hang in and go with it. Accept yourself.
    You have made a good connection here. :rowboat: :sailboat: :speedboat: :palmtree:
     
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  9. sKeptic

    sKeptic Member

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    The way you arranging your thoughts looks like you should have some talents in analysis and/or problem-solving. If so, it helps me to think of the good memory like of something I don't really need, because I could get any needed data from the environment (internet mostly, thank Science!).
    And loneliness in teenage years is quite normal, NTs just don't see it, because they have the super ability to not see things they don't like.
     
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  10. JakeGronie

    JakeGronie Well-Known Member

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    You are amazingly articulate. I definitely felt alienated and useless when I was 15. I still have those feelings at 35. I hate that people think being HF makes you the next Einstein. I do have above average intelligence, that's the one thing I give myself credit for. Based on how articulate you are you are obviously a smart person. The I'm sure the social awkwardness doesn't help in school. I hated group work, I either did all the work while the NT kids screwed around, or just sat and was silent. My teachers constantly asked me to participate in discussion more and my grads suffered a little because of my lack of participation.

    If it makes you feel any better I only learned to tie my shoes at late age and I constantly had my gym teacher tie my shoes for me in front of the class. Your not alone in that.
     
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  11. SkyeWinkles

    SkyeWinkles Well-Known Member

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    I really hope things work out better for you in the future. Alas the world is very good at putting us down - but please don't give up. We learn things in a completely different way to 'normal' people - we just need to find an environment where we can thrive. We can also find strategies that make learning new things easier. My very best wishes for you.
     
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  12. freewaydog

    freewaydog Well-Known Member

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    BrokenBoy, I will be 53 & I've still yet to find my talent & usefulness. I have trouble obtaining a part time job because of my lack of skills.
     
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  13. Ezra

    Ezra Comfortably Numb

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    The things you listed are not unusual in autism. I've read several over the years with the same problems involving memory, coordination, being disorganized and not having any perks. You are definitely not alone in this. I relate to a lot of it myself.
     
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  14. Cogitatio

    Cogitatio Active Member V.I.P Member

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    I left school with 5 o'levels and went to work at 16. I thought the same, not good at anything. But I have a high intelligence which has been a curse all my life as I get bored very very easily. I was bored at school so I skimmed everything to do just enough to get through.

    I have a theory. Everyone has 100% brain power. How that is broken down is why people are different. I have a high % of my brain good at problem solving but because I can have no more than 100%, what is left for socialising etc etc is lower than average. My girlfriend is not highly intelligent but she has amazing abilities with animals that perplex me how she can get animals to do the things she wants.

    So I think you will have a talent, you just don't know what it is yet. I write a lot now and it is my passion. Poetry, novels, articles in magazines. I did not start until I was 40 (I am 48 now). Before I tried to write I could not write anything and was totally ashamed when I had to stand up at work and write something on the white board. I could not spell at all. But now, I write well and really enjoy it.

    So as the others have said, take your time. Try lots of different things until you find out where your talents lie.

    I also think I am at my most lonely when in the company of others. I feel very lonely in large groups which is bizarre.

    A lot of your worries are self generated and in your head. Try to stop thinking in those ways. The more you think that way, the more you programme yourself. If you say it to yourself long enough you will start believing it, you may already be at that stage.
    I wish you luck.
     
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  15. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    You shouldn't feel alone. If anything, people who are not medically diagnosed and only found out themselves and through their families (like me for example) should be the ones to feel alone. Amongst other autistics.. You were lucky to even get diagnosed by a professional. Not me.. I spoke to intelligently in my childhood, so when my mother tried to get me diagnosed, I was turned down. I'm currently in the process of making an appointment now for a diagnosis.

    And about your other autism quirks, they're not all going to be the same as other autistics. I watched a video of some autistics who can't even talk and still act like toddlers. Heck, I'm 18 and still tend to act like a kid or teen.
     
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  16. Aura Celeste

    Aura Celeste Well-Known Member

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    Me.

    I suspect average people avoid me because I'm serious, or, according to them, I am unhappy and bring them down. Or I used to get that all the time, even though much of the time I was feeling kind of neutral and was surprised by their judgment of me.

    I can't tell you how to make it through life, because I'm making it barely by the skin of my teeth. I am quite happy at this point, finally, but I can't tell you how to become happy and not alone. I have become happy alone. I prefer my own company to what's on offer out in society.

    I am as old as some of the posters here, and have lived most of my decades feeling like I was a waste just using up oxygen here and wanted to die. I realized I had no "talents" that were valued or even respected in this world. I have at least one "talent" that I can think of, but not one that our societies believe in and so of course not one anyone respects or values. Nonetheless, that very same "talent" has caused me endless suffering in this world when interacting with people, which is one reason I am happiest alone.

    So for me, the answer has been to go inside myself. I meditate a lot, I have a rich and abundant inner spiritual life and imagination and I rarely feel alone or lonely because of that.

    I have become articulate and have been told I write well, and feel I write well too and hopefully will publish at least one book some day, but I would never consider these skills to be unique, but merely a result of a university education and intellect-worshipping family. In my family, you were expected practically to be a genius and I was the stupid one in the family and I know that, so I feel like my ability to write and articulate myself are the bare minimum a person should have achieved anyway to have any hope of living among and dealing with people/defending him/herself against people and family.

    I can give you a one-word answer to how I made it to where I am now--spirituality. It has become my whole life and I have now succeeded in forming my external circumstances in a way that enables me to meditate and devote all I need to to my spirituality. Not religion, mind you, not dogma--nobody tells me what to believe or how to behave, I determine over myself. But practices like meditation and kundalini yoga have saved me. At the same time, my deepening spirituality estranges me more and more from normal people, as well as people diagnosed with Asperger's or ASD or the like.
     
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  17. dragonwolf

    dragonwolf Well-Known Member

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    This is what's known as Imposter Syndrome. Pretty much everyone gets it about something. It's the idea that you aren't really what you say you are, and that you're just "faking it."

    In my experience, it stems from an undervaluing of our own abilities and overvaluing other people's abilities. Basically, when we think about the things we can do and are good at (it doesn't even have to be "great," just "reasonably good"), or that we find easy, we tend to believe that everyone is at least as good, if not better, at it and find it just as easy. So, we assume that if we know something, everyone else already does, too.

    Like others have said, you're very articulate. Not everyone is. My husband sucks at spelling and hand writing. Seriously, it's barely legible and if it weren't for spell check, it'd probably look like he was writing in another language.

    I suck at bowling. Seriously, it's a good day if I score more than 100. And that was the case even when I was in the bowling league in high school and played three games a week, every week. I cannot for the life of me get better at it, it seems.

    It might help to consider what your teachers have said about you, either compliments on your accomplishments, or notes of potential. If your school has an occupational therapist, it might also be worth talking to them (or the counselor, if not). They can help you look at yourself from different angles and find things for you to explore.

    You're a teenager, this feeling of loneliness is fairly typical. You're at an age where you're trying to define yourself as an individual and figure out where you fit into the world, without being attached to your parents. With time, you'll start finding that.
     
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  18. Jerri

    Jerri Active Member V.I.P Member

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    PLEASE...do not feel alone. You are not alone! I just found that out in a very strange way recently.

    First of all, I am not you. By most standards, one would consider me, well, unique. Even the word ‘unique’, feels like a negative stigma if you let it. But, the secret that I KNOW without a doubt, is that the more you feel unique and alone, the more overall intelligence and talent you have. That is, the more extrordinary you are!

    How do I KNOW? Well, I’ve somehow mystically received this information from someone I believe to have been an angel. Literally! Silly me...I forgot to ask his name, what with all the normalcy of this encounter (lol! But serious).

    Only when you feel alone and despair, can you truly find the light. It’s coming. Help is coming. Seriously...hang in there...what you find on the other side of this massive challenge will change your life for the positive, and in a massive and fun way!

    Hope...introspect mindfully, watch others and talk to them.

    And try CHAKRA balancing, like reiki, craniosacral therapy, crystal healing, yoga, sit in nature. I believe you are stuck in the spiritual awakening process. Think of this as growing pains...keep trying. You are a chrysalis ... you are turning into a butterfly.

    Come out of your pupa slowly and watch the new world enfold. You are perfect, whole and complete. You are loved!
    You are safe! Take your time, but hatch! Look. You’re just a child, so your guardian angels are guiding you. Let them. It’s fun! It’s healing.

    You are eternally safe, even if it doesn’t feel like it. When you open your eyes...you’ll see. You were sent here to understand and learn that any transformative process if uncomfortable as F%6k! But there is actual gold at the end of this rainbow...we just don’t know exactly what that treasure is, but we know from the angels, that it ROCKS!

    I am going to work on my first distance reiki session tonight. I’m going to focus it on you. I’m going to ask my angels, my wonderful and weird soul family, and everyone who reads this to collectively send you light together.

    I ask that we all join in...pray, meditate, yoga, channel, reiki, ...ANYTHING...but with these guidelines:
    1). Same time...united. Let’s say tomorrow evening, Wednesday at 1700 hrs PST...that is, August the 29th. Set a reminder on your device, please.
    2) Same goal...united. Let’s say: that this beautiful soul receive unfettered unconditional love and healing
    3). Same belief, intent, commitment...united. This will work!

    There will be a time-lag between the healing energies, and any noticeable difference in your life. We can’t guess how these positive changes might help. But have FAITH. Let’s see what magic we can bring to this soul’s early life. Let’s help this soul enjoy his renewed childhood, and let’s prove to him that we are all connected!!!!
     
  19. Pinecones

    Pinecones Well-Known Member

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    I felt pretty failure-esque at 15. Awkward, very ill, and especially physically uncoordinated. I could barely get up a flight of stairs without tripping over my feet. Forget running. I had (and still have to) try and concentrate really hard to do basic physical motor-skill tasks that are natural for others; running, climbing ladders, working with tools- especially saws, yikes!, driving, riding a bike, etc. I laugh when people say you can't forget to ride a bike! Once I finally learn how to do something I will do it well, but I will still do it slowly because it is not natural for me.

    I had some 'talents', sure, as a teen. Nobody cared, and nobody cares to this day what I'm good at. That's for me to enjoy. NT's seem to like to collect one another to compliment their egos; the "cooler" and "more talented" people they "know", the bigger and better they seem to feel. I was not collected by anyone.

    The pressure of social isolation sculpted me much differently than I would've ended up if I was more socially functional. And I'm happy for that. 10 years post-graduation and I DON'T want to be like the people I see all around me, nor my former peers; I'm very happy with who I am. My physical shell might be a little fumbly, but my mind and my experience of this world are unique and enjoyable.

    As for schedules, yeah, I hate em too. I have very little structure in my life and very few simple routines. I like it that way. I'm a cluttery, messy person. I'm okay with this. It does not bother me and I've had to learn that the only reason it ever did was because it bothered OTHER PEOPLE. Well that's their problem, not mine, if they don't like my personal living space, really truly.

    My advice? Learn a tradeskill or find a method of self-employment. Don't walk the beaten path of career chasing and money obsessing. Best thing I ever did was find ways of making money and selling things that didn't involve employment.
     
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  20. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    I have some "talents", but everyone I'd better than me at them.. There's really nothing special about me. I'm basically a nobody.
     
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