I don't think my problem is unique

[Precious Pearl]

I am in a later in life relationship with a man who exhibits Asperger's tendencies. I understand that makes me the NT. Unfortunately, my past is checkered with abusive relationships, and I tend to be even more emotionally insecure. I want this relationship to work. Is there advice above the typical for coping skills that I need to develop?
Thanks

 

[George Newman]

Hey there Pearl. Thank you for the post.

May I ask, why do you want this relationship to work?

In addition, what tendencies does this man exhibit.

Your post is short. Depending on your “why” and “what” there are multiple layers to unpack IMO.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

I understand that makes me the NT.

You said in your profile that you suspect that you, yourself, are an Aspie. Knowing that, one way or another, will improve your relationship, if it is salvageable.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello & welcome.

You said in your profile that you suspect that you, yourself, are an Aspie. Knowing that, one way or another, will improve your relationship, if it is salvageable.

If this is true, perhaps focusing on and figuring this out for yourself is better than doing it specifically for the relationship. As others have mentioned in other posts about romantic relationship challenges, sometimes putting the effort into yourself can subsequently improve and strengthen the relationship.

I am in a later in life relationship with a man who exhibits Asperger's tendencies. I understand that makes me the NT.

I don’t understand – could you not both be ND?

 

[1ForAll]

I am in a later in life relationship with a man who exhibits Asperger's tendencies. I understand that makes me the NT. Unfortunately, my past is checkered with abusive relationships, and I tend to be even more emotionally insecure. I want this relationship to work. Is there advice above the typical for coping skills that I need to develop?
Thanks

As with any relationship, the key I feel is to have a healthy self-esteem, not too little nor too much, and to find ways to worry less too and to focus more on the good in your current life after healing from past experiences and traumas, and learning from any mistakes. This will better the chances not only of handling critiques and rejections better, but in not critiquing others too much, too, controlling others, or in seeming too needy or dysfunctional which can cause more anxieties and pressure in the relationship.

We need to love ourselves before many can love us, and we need to put efforts towards being our best if we want others to be the best for us, I feel. Giving and kindness goes a long ways, but be careful there to not be taken advantage of there, as we all have needs to be assisted as well and don't want to feel used. And having enough time for ourselves I feel is just as important for a relationship to succeed and grow. Too much distance or too much smothering or one-sidedness can lead to many relationship downfalls too.

In my case, I do what I can and when I can for myself and the relationship, and I focus on our compatible differences. I value the other differences though in my wife, just as I value my differences from her, in terms of unique interests and personality. I feel takes two to make relationships work, and it helps to compromise, have internal strength, perseverance and understanding abilities or qualities, and to have patience besides the obvious, commitment and love.

 

[Tom]

For both of you: make ongoing learning about the other's perspective and the ASD and NT condition a priority and communicate a lot.

 

[Fino]

Don't let things bottle up.

 

[Au Naturel]

I am in a later in life relationship with a man who exhibits Asperger's tendencies. I understand that makes me the NT. Unfortunately, my past is checkered with abusive relationships, and I tend to be even more emotionally insecure. I want this relationship to work. Is there advice above the typical for coping skills that I need to develop?
Thanks

That doesn't "make" you the NT. Your partner's personal traits don't "make" you anything. You are whatever you bring to the table and you are unique.