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I don´t fit in anywhere

N

neurogirl

New Member
Hi, I´m new here!

so i don´t know where to start this but i have been really confused with my identity lately.

I´m 26, female and i have always been really shy and akward. At 17, I was diagnosed with turner syndrome.

I never fitted in anywhere and i was bullied throughout middle school and high school. My friends that did it always masked it as: we are just joking. This led me to be very insecure and just not knowing when people were making fun of me because they like me or hate me.

When I was a child, my grandma would always say that she saw the other kids playing while i was talking to myself(which i still do) This was different in my teenage years. I use to have a group of friends which i celebrated every birthday with before they turned on me(it´s been 8 years and you never talked to us)

One thing that I noticed about myself is that I can´t just like stuff in a normal way. I obsess over stuff very easily. I used to watch certain tv shows and movies on repeat until i memorized the dialogue or the music and act them out, pretending that i was a singer(and making actual tour plans).

I had different hyperfixations over the years. This started with my obsession over birth/medicine and going to the library as a little child to read books about it. Later on it was space, buddishm/spirituality and queen/freddie mercury. Now it´s taylor swift and finding out every single detail about her. After my eras tour concert I used to rewatch concert vlogs and concert videos. I was rewatching her performance of cruel summer constantly, listening to her music only while having maladaptive daydreams about them or pacing around my room. I obsess over a song or a playlist, the way something is sung or the melody and I have to relisten to it like a thousand times.

I´ve recently been on vacation with my uncle and his girlfriend. she was making several comments about how it wasn´t normal to be this quiet and i should start drinking more etc, asking me if i have friends and even talk to them.

I also only listen to music in the dark. It calms me. It almost feels like I can´t listen to music when it´s light outside.

As a child, I used to close my ears when an ambulance drove by because it scared me.

I´m also a picky eater. I eat the same thing almost every day and I´m very sensitive. I feel like I don´t fit in anywhere and I´m just an alien.

I don´t know if i could be on the spectrum but i´m definitely not normal. I also have a feeling that i just seem off, no matter how much I try in social situations.
 
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Hi and welcome to the forum. Your story isn't much different to most of us here.

neurogirl said:
I´ve recently been on vacation with my uncle and his girlfriend. she was making several comments about how it wasn´t normal to be this quiet and i should start drinking more etc, asking me if i have friends and even talk to them.
Click to expand...
Most of us keep getting this sort of advice all our lives and it isn't helpful. There's no point in trying to explain things to them because the great majority of people simply aren't capable of understanding, to them lots of people and lots of noise is a good thing.

Be true to yourself and you'll find people that you fit in with. There's a catch with that though - you do need to get out and socialise in order to find them, but they're out there.
 
Welcome to the Autism Forums. It sounds like you'll fit in just fine with most of us.

For most of my life I've always felt like being on the outside looking in, whether alone or surrounded by others. Perhaps you've found your tribe. :)
 
neurogirl said:
Hi, I´m new here!

so i don´t know where to start this but i have been really confused with my identity lately.

I´m 26, female and i have always been really shy and akward. At 17, I was diagnosed with turner syndrome.

I never fitted in anywhere and i was bullied throughout middle school and high school. My friends that did it always masked it as: we are just joking. This led me to be very insecure and just not knowing when people were making fun of me because they like me or hate me.

When I was a child, my grandma would always say that she saw the other kids playing while i was talking to myself(which i still do) This was different in my teenage years. I use to have a group of friends which i celebrated every birthday with before they turned on me(it´s been 8 years and you never talked to us)

One thing that I noticed about myself is that I can´t just like stuff in a normal way. I obsess over stuff very easily. I used to watch certain tv shows and movies on repeat until i memorized the dialogue or the music and act them out, pretending that i was a singer(and making actual tour plans).

I had different hyperfixations over the years. This started with my obsession over birth/medicine and going to the library as a little child to read books about it. Later on it was space, buddishm/spirituality and queen/freddie mercury. Now it´s taylor swift and finding out every single detail about her. After my eras tour concert I used to rewatch concert vlogs and concert videos. I was rewatching her performance of cruel summer constantly, listening to her music only while having maladaptive daydreams about them or pacing around my room. I obsess over a song or a playlist, the way something is sung or the melody and I have to relisten to it like a thousand times.

I´ve recently been on vacation with my uncle and his girlfriend. she was making several comments about how it wasn´t normal to be this quiet and i should start drinking more etc, asking me if i have friends and even talk to them.

I also only listen to music in the dark. It calms me. It almost feels like I can´t listen to music when it´s light outside.

As a child, I used to close my ears when an ambulance drove by because it scared me.

I´m also a picky eater. I eat the same thing almost every day and I´m very sensitive. I feel like I don´t fit in anywhere and I´m just an alien.

I don´t know if i could be on the spectrum but i´m definitely not normal. I also have a feeling that i just seem off, no matter how much I try in social situations.
Click to expand...

neurogirl said:
I feel like I don´t fit in anywhere and I´m just an alien.
Click to expand...
Yeah, relate to this one all too well. I'm a human, but it feels as if i'm uncanny valley. I would say it's a result from masking. Sigh, but i've kinda js accepted it. I kinda hate masking, it makes me feel dissociative and miserable. If i'm an alien then so be it! My planet is better than yours anyways C:
 
Welcome, @neurogirl.

You have found a sanctuary in a piece of internet. Though I'd say your definitely on the spectrum. Where specifically I can't say, without assumption/guessing. But it does sound like you maybe ASD 2 or 3. It all depends.
 
I have some understanding of what you are saying here. In my field of medicine, I have seen my share of Turner Syndrome... and of course, autism. That said, at some level, we all wish we could "fit in"... there is something that feels "safe" when you're amongst your tribe.

Tincture of time... but we all go through this period in our lives when we have this deep desire for companionship and being a part of a group. However, the autism component often makes it quite challenging. It's not to say that autistic people cannot have lifelong, loving partners... myself and many others do... but we are often limited to our "one person" and everything and everyone else might fall under the category of "friendly acquaintances".

Then there is this self-esteem issue and rumination... neither are good. One of the worst things we can do is compare ourselves to other people, because when we try to conform to some "standard"... and then fail... it hits us hard. We do this to ourselves... and it needs to stop. We might find ourselves being "people pleasers"... expecting positive responses... and when we don't get them, we think less of ourselves. On one hand, it is good to express love and kindness... but it isn't good to "expect" reciprocation. You can only please some people some of the time. I do recommend that we all perform random acts of kindness for other people... but without expectation... do not make it transactional... do not make it about you. Save yourself some mental grief. Just do your little part to make this world a better place... and maybe someone will pay it forward to someone else.

Eventually, you will gain some wisdom and some self-acceptance... and the freedom of mind to just not give a "F" about what others think of you... and be comfortable just doing your thing, your way. Be free to be different and wear it in all its glory. ;)
 
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hello 👋

it sounds less like you're confused about your identity and more like you've not as yet found your tribe... i think you're going to like it here. welcome
 
I talk to myself a lot too. And nothing beats listening to music in the dark. I sit on the floor cross legged, and sway as I listen to music.

I got very good with masking and practiced socially so I can be quite sociable and engaging, more extrovert in recent years - but it too years of perseverance, and working in health and social care really had me step up.

Still very much an introvert if given the choice. And time aline to recharge is vital.

Many Neurodivergent people can end up relying on drink or substances to help ease social awkwardness. But its a slippery slope. Been there, done that. Sober is better.

With practice, things can improve. Anxiety and social anxiety can lessen. But I still mask around 99% of people. Only a handful of people in this life has seen the real me. Not even my parents. And those who did, when I'm balls to the wall hyper and stimking - even they were like "oh wow" and looking rather awkward, bemused, and yet accepting.

I get the zoomies a lot.

Ed
 
I can relate to your post so much! I never feel like I fit in either, always on the outside looking in when it comes to “friend groups,” I’ve been mercilessly bullied my entire life and had a lot of toxic friends, and have a number of very intense, obsessive interests, and a whole bunch of weird quirky behaviors.
Like @Raggamuffin , I also get the zoomies.

I don’t really mask anymore, I’m in my 30s now and I’ve very much adopted a “what you see is what you get” mentality- I’m fully, authentically myself and if people don’t like it, they don’t have to be friends with me.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and about autism and ADHD in general after being on this site for years, and it’s helped immensely on my personal journey.

I think you’ve found a place where you fit in :)
Hope you learn, grow, and make some friends here. Welcome aboard.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
... and of course, autism. That said, at some level, we all wish we could "fit in"... there is something that feels "safe" when you're amongst your tribe.

Tincture of time... but we all go through this period in our lives when we have this deep desire for companionship and being a part of a group. However, the autism component often makes it quite challenging. It's not to say that autistic people cannot have lifelong, loving partners... myself and many others do... but we are often limited to our "one person" and everything and everyone else might fall under the category of "friendly acquaintances".

Then there is this self-esteem issue and rumination... neither are good. One of the worst things we can do is compare ourselves to other people, because when we try to conform to some "standard"... and then fail... it hits us hard. We do this to ourselves... and it needs to stop. We might find ourselves being "people pleasers"... expecting positive responses... and when we don't get them, we think less of ourselves. On one hand, it is good to express love and kindness... but it isn't good to "expect" reciprocation. You can only please some people some of the time. I do recommend that we all perform random acts of kindness for other people... but without expectation... do not make it transactional... do not make it about you. Save yourself some mental grief. Just do your little part to make this world a better place... and maybe someone will pay it forward to someone else.

Eventually, you will gain some wisdom and some self-acceptance... and the freedom of mind to just not give a "F" about what others think of you... and be comfortable just doing your thing, your way. Be free to be different and wear it in all its glory. ;)
Click to expand...

That is exactly how I am... The having one friend (Or one or two friends if I am lucky) and everyone else is what I call "People I know"...
Being a people pleaser to try and fit in, but still not fitting in which leads to others taking advantage etc...
Then feeling down when I can't find people who are similar to myself... Or worse still, people who openly reject me...
Then I reached a certain age somewhere in my late 30's when I said "I don't care what people think of me! I am me. Let's be me!" This brought me quite some relief, but was years before I found out I could be autistic.

Yet looking back on my life, I had many people ask if I was autistic or tell me I was. At one point I had this happen so many times in a short space of time I was convinced someone such as one of my brothers was pranking me by telling strangers to ask me if I was autistic. Once it happened in a meeting where someone told me they thought I was autistic and I ran out the building and round the sides and back expecting to see someone laughing away who had told someone to tell me that. It never occurred to me that I was autistic! And yes, I have always been a rather unique person. But I assumed this to be my unique upbringing by parents who both would be on the spectrum if they were ever assessed today! (And I could not have had better parents than the ones I had!)

Neurogirl. It is an idea to get yourself assessed for autism. It does not mean you are, but from what you write you are very likely to be on the spectrum. An assessment is a thing that will confirm your thoughts if you are on the spectrum. As now you have found out you might be but are not sure, the question will be on your mind and keep coming back as it did for me for 6½ years (4½ years of it on a waiting list for the assessment and 2 years me trying to ask but failing to ask if that makes sense?).

Though for me it came at more angles than what I say below, but....
The not knowing is the worst bit when one has found one could be... So go and get yourself assessed! :D
 
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:) Good one @Captain Caveman
Here's my recent experience in Australia
I suspected that I am autistic as soon as I knew what autism is, but I only found that out a couple of months ago. I first of all did a couple of online self-tests, and actually I was quite surprised by the positive results for autism.
I followed up asap with a local clinical psychologist, and the whole process took less than a month.

The positive diagnosis shook me enormously; despite a feeling of tremendous relief at understanding why my life has never worked for me, I am yet to be fully settled after the shock of understanding.

It was very much worth the effort.
 
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I want to, hell literally. I've been socializing for about 7 years trying to find my people. It's been brutal, but I think I finally found them. I've been on this forum that long, and basically if you read my post history, don't do it. It's not a good idea. I think I've finally found genuine friends that actually care about me, but my trust in people has eroded so badly that I can barely socialize.

I have a really good close female friend who just hung out with me for the third time this year. In total, the group of friends hung out with me four times already, whereas in other places I really had one hangout. Then they basically abandoned me.

Basically this female friend took all my meltdowns. I cried right in front of her many times, and she was there for me when I was having meltdowns, even suicidal thoughts, and even when I ran in the middle of the street. Fell straight down on my leg in violent meltdown reactions to couples, but she was still there for me.

The first time she hung out with me was the day I got kicked out of the ASPCA because of a bad supervisor when I complained about some emo woman who mentors me. Then having social amnesia when she saw me again two weeks later. I was demoted to the laundry room with a bad, nasty mentor. Then I was terminated.
 
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