I do not know what I am going to do

[grommet]

My girlfriend and I broke up on the 1st of January. We were together and very close, for more than four years. Being aspie feels so strange. It seems everyday I see things differently than everyone else. I have to have order. Things must be a certain way and when they are not I get mad, I get confused, I get scared.

She was aspie and understood all that. Before her I didn't know my place in this world and before her I didn't know why I had a heart or why I was born. Then we met and felt such happiness. We also fought, I wasn't very nice sometimes and neither was she. We broke up more than once but somehow we came back to see each other again. This last time, well, I believe it is different. I think she is making a mistake but I cannot make her or anyone do anything. We both broke up. I apologized very quickly, told her I was angry when I spoke but she got all hard and said things she never said before. They were mean. That is why I believe she meant it, that she didn't want to see me again.

I don't know what my place is. I am still alive, with arms and legs and I sleep and eat and can feel things but .. it's like in a story or like I am living by myself on an island. I don't know what to look forward to. I don't know how I am going to make it. I feel like I won't make it. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to.

Things with me are fragile now. I have one responsibility left. When that is over I wonder what I will do. I am aspie and I cannot be irresponsible. But once I am free to make my own choice about my life, I wonder what I will do and tonight I am wondering how long I can wait to stop feeling this sad. I want to disappear.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I don't have any advice to give. All I can say is I've been where you are, and you will survive.

 

[MicroWeiss]

January is a statistically stressful month, breakups are not uncommon. You could always get a cat or a plant to spend time with.

 

[baz]

What about arranging to get together with your girlfriend and also have a neutral person sit in with you both who would have an unbiased opinion.
Then maybe you could talk out your issues as a couple.

 

[grommet]

This would be nice and thank you for the suggestion but, she (ex GF) told me not to contact her so, there isn't a way I can arrange anything. I will have to wait and time will tell me if she will talk to me again. She was so angry when she spoke I don't know if I should take her literally. So I don't know yet if I should understand she will not see me again and move on. My experiment now is to use time as a measure. If months go by and I don't hear from her, I will make the assumption that she meant what she said and it is over.

What about arranging to get together with your girlfriend and also have a neutral person sit in with you both who would have an unbiased opinion.
Then maybe you could talk out your issues as a couple.

 

[Guendolen]

But once I am free to make my own choice about my life, I wonder what I will do and tonight I am wondering how long I can wait to stop feeling this sad. I want to disappear.

To me it feels that you are heartbroken. And it is totally normal. You were in a relationship for 4 years. Breaking up and being single is huge change, it stressed me so much even if i wasn't in love with the person anymore. Don't try to take life altering important decision in this state. I have read hundreds of self-help post-break up books and articles and the only useful advice for me was: allow yourself to experience all range of feelings. Sadness, anger, pain, guilt... Don't force yourself to be happy or normal or even to pretend to be those things. Be kind to yourself. I tended to blame being aspie for all my misfortunes.
''if i wasn't an aspie he wouldn't have dumped me''. But years passed and i saw that this NT was treating all his gfs like garbage. It is not always about them. You tried your best. Failed relationships are part of life. It will get better.

 

[grommet]

Guendolen, you think it will get better. It seems that would be true. It is in the 'during' that I wonder. There is only so sad a person can feel .. can take feeling that way. I am figuratively stumbling forward, hoping to distract myself long enough to make it to feeling better.

What I still can't understand is how someone can care about someone and then not care about them. I cannot fathom that. I am not that way. I mean what I say - it is the reason I say it. I wonder. I don't know. I do not know what will happen and what role I will play in it.

People are different and that is my weakness, seeing things from other people's perspective. Before that my problem is thinking that they have a different perspective. I think the way I think makes the most sense. I think that is aspie. I am surprised when people don't think or act like I do. I don't know how she can leave me completely alone.

 

[Vinca]

My boyfriend and I broke up roughly 6 months ago now, after 15yrs. One of the hardest parts is the loss of the routine we had together. It's like there is a void in my life into which nothing else fits porperly.

I think it takes time to adjust and to process the emotions connected to the situation. I don't think that there is any one thing that will that a person can do that will 'fix' the situation.

To start off with I found it difficult to think about anything else other than the break up and needed to pursue activies and interests that would allow my mind a break from repeatedly going over the situation.

I found that spending time with people that I have a connection with was beneficial.

Perhaps having something living to be resposible for such as a plant/s or a pet could give you a sense or responsibility and motivation.

I'm often not able to connect with my own emotions in order to know what or how I am feeling and have found reading other peoples thoughts, feelings and experiences helpful in understaning what I was/am going through.

 

[Guendolen]

The during will be awful. And you have to face it head on. I never said it is easy.

 

[grommet]

That feels like a big part of it, exactly. We always did things on Sundays or Saturday. There were phone calls, places we went etcetera. I keep finding things we did together and realize "we" are not "we" anymore and I am alone in the grocery store. For some reason she really liked shopping , it was one of her favorite place to be. I would drag along. But now when I shop, she isn't there. Her towel is still in the same place in the bathroom, her tea in the cupboard. I am afraid to touch things. I have become almost phobic about washing her towel, like it will mean the end.

Words can be clear but not the meaning of them. A person can say, stay away, but mean that only at the moment of anger/hurt. Then how are you supposed to interpret what they said? You must not pursue someone's company if they have said, go away. But knowing whether they meant, forever, is hard to tell. I can only wait. Maybe I do not want her back either. I only know how sad things are now. Too sad.

I am staying as busy as I can. Thank you for your kind words.

My boyfriend and I broke up roughly 6 months ago now, after 15yrs. One of the hardest parts is the loss of the routine we had together. It's like there is a void in my life into which nothing else fits porperly.

 

[JDartistic]

Oh Grommet, I'm so sorry you are going this through. My wife left me a year & a half ago after 7 years, & I was devastated. I cried for like 6 months & it still pains me. I keep going over the end & blaming myself...

But please hold faith that it does get easier over time. Time really is the best healer. But also know that you are heartbroken which is a normal response & that you must take it easy on yourself. I read a lot of self-help books about break ups. It helped me.

Since I'm more on the autism side of things, I can tell you it probably is harder to get over things. If you're like me, you have regrets & blame yourself but please know you'll be okay. Take heart in knowing that you were loved by someone & you will find love again. I'm still single myself but I started dating recently. You will too. Give it time. Maybe a year or so, but trust your process. You will be okay! It's hard, & honor your healing. You are grieving so rest & let your body tell you what it wants...even if it's to do nothing all day for awhile. I had that response for a long time but eventually I started living again. Please hold faith & just be. You will get thru this.

 

[grommet]

JDartistic. You are very kind to say those things to me. I appreciate it. I am lost, in a kind of space with no gravity. I also feel grounded. Parts of me are still here and the biggest part of me is with her and she is gone. The thing is, I am not sure I want a life without her. She could be difficult, she was not perfect and we did not live in a dream but she was my partner, my best friend and the person who ..

I do not know what I will do. It's hard to believe I would trust another woman - not that she betrayed me. I've always thought sex was stupid. It's fun but flying a kite seems more productive. So I wouldn't look for a woman for sex. I can't imagine liking someone as much so I don't see how I would have another relationship but time tells us things we would not know any other way. I just don't know I want to wait. She was my best friend and my best friend is gone so I am not seeing much point.

I am keeping routines. I have never had the gene that trends to addiction so I have no interest in drugs or drinking, I never have. I have been eating too much and exercising too much but I feel like if I don't stay active, I think too much and that is dangerous for me.

I must keep moving. I will do that as long as I can. I just, I just can't understand how someone can care about someone and then not care. It must be my autistic brain, but I cannot make sense of that. It does not seem possible and I am stuck, wondering.

Thank you again for writing, hugs come in different ways and maybe for aspies they are best in text. I feel hugged

 

[baz]

You have loved and you have been loved in return.
Your fellow aspies on this forum are sending love to you through their texts.Your own texts show us how loving and thoughtful you are which unfortunately means you will feel the breakup very deeply, but it also tells me that you will love again I'm absolutely sure of it.
Look after yourself my friend. Baz.

 

[grommet]

Baz, that is very sweet and it means a lot to me. I have a community, a place where we all fit in. It's with aspies.

 

[JDartistic]

Grommet, don't give up. This sadness is part of life, and although you may feel icky for a while -- and perhaps for a few months yet -- just take heart knowing that you will feel better one day and that you'll find love & friendship again.

BTW, thanks for the HUG...made my day, b/c like you, I also get isolated and have grown to really appreciate this Forum (and people like you).

 

[grommet]

JDartistic, maybe aspies .. maybe what we have is each other. Maybe we have our own world where we always make sense. In my world, Star Trek TNG is very important. So many things like that, that other mean a lot to other aspies too. When I saw Galaxy Quest, I cried. It wasn't making fun of us, it was the first film about people who like sci-fi, that didn't make fun of us. It showed respect.

We are not stupid because we don't understand what NT's do. We aren't slow because we aren't up to date on who's famous or what is the best fashion now. We are good people who concentrate hard and that's what we spend most of our lives doing. We aren't staring off in to space or distracted, we are thinking. That's what my people do and sometimes it's about things we love that aren't important to other people. Sometimes it is something that turns out to be very valuable to other people and rockets take off in to space, and the internet is born and medical diagnostic equipment saves the lives of the people who when they feel well, make fun of us.

Here we are aspie and maybe it's one of the only places we can be together and it's okay. To describe myself perfectly, I am Data from Star Trek. We match so perfectly it's amazing. I meet aspies who aren't like me at all but they are still aspies and we understand each other. The book, The Speed of Dark, made me cry too. Because in that book, aspies had other aspies.

It's a lonely life being alone and without other aspies we almost always are. I remember one aspie woman who was obsessed with owls. I don't think anyone knew more about them of felt them more important. I couldn't feign an interest but I immediately understood her obsession. Mine is rope. It doesn't matter if it's turtles or Corvette cars or metallurgy, it's in the obsession.

I like my people and I need the hugs. It's better we don't touch - some of us can't. I need to be alone most of the time but my ex and I both knew the quote (though she was able to remember the name of the actress who said it and I can't), the quote, "I said I want to be left alone. I didn't say I wanted to be alone." Yes.

Leave me to study rope, every arcane tiny argument about the oldest and latest technology in rope and you can talk happily about turtles or rockets or Doctor Who (which I love). I was very lonely all my life because no one was like me. I was always alone no matter how many people surrounded me. Then I found another aspie and then I found out there were a lot of aspies and I found strength because then I knew, it was like we long ago had been on the same space ship and it crashed here on earth and we spread out and forgot we used to be with others like us. Among the aliens we seemed wrong and out of place. In school we were beat up. Teachers didn't understand us. And when we shined at something people gave us funny looks like being good at something was something bad.

I think aspies need other aspies and right now it means everything to me that we have a place to meet each other. I am happy my people are all over the world, in their homes, typing in the dark bonding over the internet. We need to be left alone but, we don't want to be alone.

Hugs

Grommet, don't give up. This sadness is part of life, and although you may feel icky for a while -- and perhaps for a few months yet -- just take heart knowing that you will feel better one day and that you'll find love & friendship again.

BTW, thanks for the HUG...made my day, b/c like you, I also get isolated and have grown to really appreciate this Forum (and people like you).

 

[JCPHN]

Grommet, your feelings are totally natural, but know that they will eventually pass. I was, and on occasion, still feel, very heartbroken over losing my ex of 5 years. I really identify with some of the reasons you've explained why your relationship was so significant in your life, I personally seriously considered my ex to be my "partner." But...people change, and as sad as it is, your relationship ended because you both changed, I.E., neither of you are the same person you were when the relationship began. So after a certain period of regaining the part of yourself that isn't defined by your relationship, you'll feel like you have some bittersweet memories, rather than an open, possibly infected wound. You just have to go with the flow and try not to let your tomorrows be affected by your yesterdays. In the future, this stuff will still be painful, but in a way you're proud of, rather than laboring under.

 

[JDartistic]

Grommet, there are some good people here! What JCPHN just posted is so true!

Hey, I wanted to add that I, too, am obsessed with Star Trek TNG, but when you said ropes -- well, we are kindred spirits! my obsession isn't ropes but I own an antique vessel/boat, and I've restored her and she's my life. I live for her, as she is my own starship. Anyway, as it relates to boating, I'm totally into ropes and making the mariner knots, and you'd be surprised how many there are, or maybe knot (pun intended)

In Star Trek TNG, there's one episode that I relate to the most. I forget the title but I know you'll know the one: it's when the guy shows up to talk to the organic alien space ship that's about to go into the sun b/c the ship lost his crew and has roamed the universe alone for centuries and just can't deal with it anymore. The guy is a flawed empath and is too sensitive, and no one really likes him except Troi...but he ends up saving the space ship and abandons everything to be on the ship so he can have a home and friend. That's the guy I relate to...

 

[JCPHN]

Grommet, there are some good people here! What JCPHN just posted is so true!

Hey, I wanted to add that I, too, am obsessed with Star Trek TNG, but when you said ropes -- well, we are kindred spirits! my obsession isn't ropes but I own an antique vessel/boat, and I've restored her and she's my life. I live for her, as she is my own starship. Anyway, as it relates to boating, I'm totally into ropes and making the mariner knots, and you'd be surprised how many there are, or maybe knot (pun intended)

In Star Trek TNG, there's one episode that I relate to the most. I forget the title but I know you'll know the one: it's when the guy shows up to talk to the organic alien space ship that's about to go into the sun b/c the ship lost his crew and has roamed the universe alone for centuries and just can't deal with it anymore. The guy is a flawed empath and is too sensitive, and no one really likes him except Troi...but he ends up saving the space ship and abandons everything to be on the ship so he can have a home and friend. That's the guy I relate to...

Haha, it's always so nice to hear that not only does someone like TNG, but they like my favorite episodes! I saw that one for the first time recently and felt so good. Sorry for OT!

 

[JDartistic]

I just remember the episode is called the Tin Man!