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i could use some parenting advice

First off, I really enjoy your fresh honesty on here. Thank you! I wish more people were like you in this regard.

As a former teacher, I can say that many schools actually do "give a crap", but they are so overwhelmed at managing the different behaviors and motivating students in ways that will help them continue to receive the funding they need to operate based on the state government's rules (this excludes private school having to follow crazy gvnt. funding rules.) A lot of people do "give a crap" enough I believe, but we don't have a lot of cooperative effort among the staff, nor students, families, and communities that really try to support their schools enough like the family you were raised in unfortunately. Many families are worried about their next meal or living in an unsafe environment.

I really think I've offended you and that was not my intention.

Please do not attack me personally with your "worried about their next meal or living in an unsafe environment" like I'm some white privileged one percenter. That is not very nice.

I will open a dialog in private; if you have something against me, you are welcome to say it there. But I think you misunderstood the whole reason why I am giving this advice from this perspective. Again, offending teachers is not what I am trying to do here. After all, you aren't the only one who is a teacher; I'm not as ignorant as you seem to think.
 
This helped my son quite a bit back when he was that age.

~> https://scratch.mit.edu

"Scratch is a programming language and an online community where children can program and share interactive media such as stories, games, and animation with people from all over the world. As children create with Scratch, they learn to think creatively, work collaboratively, and reason systematically.."

If it's made for a child,
maybe I could manage it.

I looked at two games, so far.
One didn't do anything at all, but
the other one worked.
 
If it's made for a child,
maybe I could manage it.

I looked at two games, so far.
One didn't do anything at all, but
the other one worked.
I know someone who could tell you how to use scratch. :) Many of the games that kids make and put on there do not work, as it is a learning sort of process. But some of them do, and it is satisfying & fun to make games too.
 
I know this post is a few days old, but I really wanted to put in my perspective. When I was growing up I was able to game for however long I liked as long as my responsibilities were taken care of first. This meant I gamed for 4+ hours every single day because that was my special interest, and I haven't turned into some strung-out couch potato. Gaming to that extent is really and truly about community and creativity, and I really don't think it's some evil drug that needs to be regimented, but to each their own I guess.

I suppose my point is to maybe give a hint of his perspective being an "addicted" gamer myself, and now that I'm grown with my own children, I can see the real basis for my interests and how I should be focusing on the underlying reasons for my own children's interest to encourage their natural talents. Instead of regulating, you may be better off looking at the positive aspects of it to turn it into something productive.

For example, it might be useful to think of Minecraft as a beefed up, electronic version of legos. This game has an amazing capacity for him to be able to express creativity and gain some self-confidence by being able to build virtually anything he can imagine in any way he likes. If he's enjoying creating buildings and cities in his game, talk about how that's a great basis for becoming a civil engineer or architect. If he likes running around finding new materials to find what new things he can create, talk about how that curiosity is just like practicing science, chemistry, metallurgy, and celebrate that interest to drive him to learn something more in those fields. If he's playing with friends, maybe focus on how it can be an avenue for him to practice social interaction in a way that's comfortable for him and on a topic that he's confident in, and encourage that. Turn it around and use it in ways that can benefit him.

There's an interest in gaming that's probably much deeper than just the game, and if you can find what it is, then you can begin introduce different ways of entertaining those interests besides the games. Even if you still have trouble getting him away from the games, there are great jobs to be had in the technical world. I wanted to do game design, but my parents laughed it off because it's just "silly games." I probably could've had one hell of a career in computer science or graphic arts now that I know how my brain works, but that got squashed because my love for gaming was seen as a time-waster instead of a passion that could be compounded on.
 
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hi...

new to this wonderful forum... i am a dad of a terrific 9yr-old 3rd grader (4th grader in the fall)... he was diagnosed when he was 4 with AS but we've never told him... he's in a mainstream school with an aid in the classroom and he receives minimal services from the school... speech therapy, OT, etc...

over the past year or so i feel like he's regressing... he's really acting like a 3yr old... he's now clinging to stuffed animals that he never had an interest in before... he can't sleep alone anymore... he's way too dependent on mommy... and now he's starting to say things like "i hate my life" and "i'm just waiting to go to heaven"

i feel like a failure as a parent...
- he says everything is unfair
- nobody likes him
- he's always 'bored'
- i think i'm part of the reason he hates his life because i tend to restrict his game time too much... he gets 30m on weekends only but he always goes way over that allotment... i also tend to raise my voice after the fifth time i ask him to do something...
- many times i've heard him raise his voice or speak in an angry tone to his peers when it's unwarranted... i am most likely to blame for that :(

there are other attributes about him that may seem familiar to many of the population...
- he's addicted to video games (as are most boys i guess)
- he's addicted to all devices really (tv, computers, gadgets, etc)
- prone to meltdowns
- can't sit still

attributes that hurt him socially
- picks his nose constantly
- rigid; likes to make up his own rules for any game that's being played
- very floppy (can't sit up straight, lies down on the floor, body is limp all the time)

he's very warm-hearted but he tends to sabotage himself by making himself unlikable...

he would probably be so happy if he could play games all the time... i'm not going to do that but i am considering playing games with him...

how do i improve?

thank you.
 
First of all you're being too hard on yourself.

over the past year or so i feel like he's regressing... he's really acting like a 3yr old... he's now clinging to stuffed animals that he never had an interest in before... he can't sleep alone anymore... he's way too dependent on mommy... and now he's starting to say things like "i hate my life" and "i'm just waiting to go to heaven"

This sounds like he is suffering from Depression and Anxiety (if not a severe case of both), which people ride off as bad behavior in young kids.
Yes Young kids and toddlers can suffer from depression and Anxiety, but again it normally gets labeled as bad behavior

You should take him to his pediatrician and have him tested for both.
Then consider going to a therapist before dealing in medication.

I started getting depression at age 8 or 9...
I've had anxiety and OCD for as long as I can remember....

If I was treated and diagnosed in elementary school, I would have done a lot better in life...

Don't fret, there is plenty of help and programs for kids suffering from AS and other stuff than there was 10 years ago.

People with Asperger Syndrome have a higher chance of getting mental illness with it, including depression, anxiety, OCD and even severe forms of mental health.
Human males have a vastly higher chance and rate for mental illness than their female counterparts
Human males from the time they start puberty to 30-35 are at very high risk of developing mental illness, once us males pass 35 our risk factor for mental health issues fails in line with women.

No one knows why this is...



He like many people Asperger Syndrome, may never bond with his peers and/or never form a healthy bond with anyone.
He can still make successful life for himself without bonding with others.

The rest of it just sounds like a 9 year old being a 9 year old and coming into their own.

I think you have forgotten what it is to be 9 (start of tween years).
I bet if you talked to your parents, they'd tell you how you complained about life and school being unfair, talking about hating life, not wanting to sit still, and fighting the rules...
They will also tell you how bored you claimed to be and how nothing they did worked.

Hell this sounds like all most of my cousins and all of my sisters at that age.

You need to work with your son to find the structure and routine that works for him, instead of imposing what you want on him (this goes for all kids). Also being strict rarely works out well, as does being lax... You need to find the proper balance.

You also need to keep to what you say and hold the line. It's not easy, but your son will take you more seriously in the future (this goes for all people).


Also you need to including the Teachers into this mix, since they have him during school hours.
They can give you information on his social behavior and what's going on.
They can also help as well...

Everyone who important in his life has to be included, every part of life is interconnected.

This comes from someone who grew up with all as undiagnosed Aspie...
 
It looks like he is having a hard time with life. I remember that I had suicidal thoughts near that age but I didn't know why.
Now that I am older and I know what Aspergers is, I think I had those thoughts because of stress, having trouble relating with other kids, self awarness, awarness of others, etc...

I think a lot of autistic kids must pass for the same at that age because thats when they become more aware of their differences and how hard this world is to live in.

I used to play alot on my video console when I was younger because I could escape this world for a while and I think it was necessary so that my mind could rest. However, I probably should have played less hours a day.
 
It looks like he is having a hard time with life. I remember that I had suicidal thoughts near that age but I didn't know why.
Now that I am older and I know what Aspergers is, I think I had those thoughts because of stress, having trouble relating with other kids, self awarness, awarness of others, etc...

I think a lot of autistic kids must pass for the same at that age because thats when they become more aware of their differences and how hard this world is to live in.

I used to play alot on my video console when I was younger because I could escape this world for a while and I think it was necessary so that my mind could rest. However, I probably should have played less hours a day.
I had those thoughts too when I was that age.

People seem to think kids under 10 aren't capable of suicide, but we have it on record of them committing suicide due to bullying, abuse, bad time at school.

I mean kids as young as 7 have committed suicide.
 
i want to take a moment to say how overwhelmed i am hearing the outpouring of support and really good advice... thank you all... i am encouraged to see so many aspies on this forum so independent and full of life and optimism... i'm hoping one day my son can contribute to a forum like this... perhaps even refer back to this very thread...

i'm a little less of a game-time nazi now and i've expanded his game time to include weekdays if he earns it by reading... he hasn't expressed any dark sentiments of late but he now hates reading even more...

i started him watching the schoolhouse rock videos... he hates it... "worst video ever"... my daughter hates it too... i can't get enough of it... so nostalgic and educational...

summers are tough with so much down time... at least he's in a social skills camp from 9-3... but he'll be off for two weeks after that's done...

thanks again all
 
Give it time. You will do great. Keep up the effort and remember we are here for you!
I didn't enjoy reading until college. It takes time for some of that to fall into place.

Keep it up. You've got this.
 

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