i could use some parenting advice

[danxp]

hi...

new to this wonderful forum... i am a dad of a terrific 9yr-old 3rd grader (4th grader in the fall)... he was diagnosed when he was 4 with AS but we've never told him... he's in a mainstream school with an aid in the classroom and he receives minimal services from the school... speech therapy, OT, etc...

over the past year or so i feel like he's regressing... he's really acting like a 3yr old... he's now clinging to stuffed animals that he never had an interest in before... he can't sleep alone anymore... he's way too dependent on mommy... and now he's starting to say things like "i hate my life" and "i'm just waiting to go to heaven"

i feel like a failure as a parent...
- he says everything is unfair
- nobody likes him
- he's always 'bored'
- i think i'm part of the reason he hates his life because i tend to restrict his game time too much... he gets 30m on weekends only but he always goes way over that allotment... i also tend to raise my voice after the fifth time i ask him to do something...
- many times i've heard him raise his voice or speak in an angry tone to his peers when it's unwarranted... i am most likely to blame for that

there are other attributes about him that may seem familiar to many of the population...
- he's addicted to video games (as are most boys i guess)
- he's addicted to all devices really (tv, computers, gadgets, etc)
- prone to meltdowns
- can't sit still

attributes that hurt him socially
- picks his nose constantly
- rigid; likes to make up his own rules for any game that's being played
- very floppy (can't sit up straight, lies down on the floor, body is limp all the time)

he's very warm-hearted but he tends to sabotage himself by making himself unlikable...

he would probably be so happy if he could play games all the time... i'm not going to do that but i am considering playing games with him...

how do i improve?

thank you.

 

[Crossbreed]

That is a tall order. I think that it is better to break these problems into smaller pieces. Have you had him tested recently?

One of [our] challenges is asynchronous development. That means that we can be more mature in one area (like intellect) while being less so in another (like emotions). I am a father of ten and I still collect toys, albeit specific ones. My nubile 21yo daughter/ward has a mental age of 18 mos. and we still have to child-proof our home for her.

If you find out where his functioning levels are in these different arenas, you can tailor your communications/responses accordingly. For myself, appealing to my sense of logic & pragmatism bypasses what could otherwise be an overwhelming knee-jerk reaction.

My severe 28yo son (m.a.= 6-10yo), OTOH, does not get causation, so consequences (parental or natural) are completely lost on him.

Another problem that I have grown out of that some of my higher-functioning kids still struggle with is the recognition of legitimate boundaries. That is, we are so accustomed to facing and overcoming obstacles that stand in our way that we often mistake bona fide boundaries as such. This has both positive and negative results. We are not limited by unnecessary, imposed "boxes" in our thinking, but we often fail to recognize safety fences, too. As a Christian, I recognize that such boundaries exist and tend to be a little more circumspect with each new "obstacle" that I encounter.

For a child, you will have to stand your ground (including creative end-runs) where necessary and try to be open-minded everywhere else. The Law of Diminishing Returns will help him to learn the difference (between obstacles & boundaries).

 

[Warmheart]

Just the fact that you have such great insights into your own influences with him is impressive, add that you come here for further supporting his wellbeing, and you are an awesome parent! You are doing a great job!

A few thoughts:
He needs some gaming or tablet time daily, but select a time limit, for example, 1 or two hours.
Let HIM select the specific times. (This matters.)
Make an activity clock (or buy one, Google "schkidules activity click").
If he gets computer or tv time from 3-4pm, then at 4 pm on the activity clock, be sure to put a next activity there. Examples include bath, outdoor play, dinner, etc. This way, 4pm is not "Oh noooo, my tablet time stops!" It's "yup, time for my bath/dinner/outdoor play."

Please have a good long chat with his OT. If he is floppy, cranky, depressed and anxious, he needs his OT to do a sensory profile on him. Did one already? Then, he can really benefit from having a sensory diet at home, meaning a regular program of activity that organizes and regulates he s nervous system.
This makes us less clumsy, makes our mood improve, and (thank God!) makes our sensory sensitivities and meltdowns less.

You need to be better supported as a caring parent. Autism agencies off en have great parent support groups to network, brainstorm, share ideas and resources, and laugh. These same agencies often have social skills groups for kids, as well as ASD therapists who can understand how he feels. Agencies like The Arc and other autism agencies can help him celebrate the many strengths his autism brings him.

Just a thought, while awaiting a consult with his OT, you can get him up and moving with a small mini trampoline, do swinging on swing sets, jogging, etc. We autistics are sensory beings, and we need a regular program of activity to provide us with enough vestibular, proprioceptive, and kinesthetic input so we can be stable, happy, and self-regulated. Bonus: It's fun!

With such a caring parent, things surely will improve for your son. Please take extra good care of yourself.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

Danxp, I won't tell you what to do but I can offer my feelings as I still remember those days. How you describe your boy sounds all too familiar... enough to even bring back some old memories. I was so much like him back then and if you don't mind, I'd like to offer some insight as to how this may work over time.

First thing's first, the hard part: That dark attitude you see in him steeped in pessimism and grand statements... that's probably going to be there for a long time and even get worse. Start learning to counter it with some casual sit-downs. Ultimately you can't fix it for him but you can teach him the importance of him learning to fight that darkness. To put it in terms a 9yr old may understand may be difficult... or it may be simple. The key will be to learn more about what motivates him now and key on that. Specifically, you can't rely on concepts like religion to motivate a child since they can't grasp the gravity of those subjects. Instead think of what he's exposed to, like video games. What you are trying to tell him is that if that darkness doesn't get controlled it will take him over and he will lose his happiness. It will be a constant struggle through his life but a worthwhile struggle. I promise you that.

Wanting to be more involved with him is a good idea especially if he doesn't have close siblings and is anti-social. To be perfectly frank- 30min of video game time on weekends is pretty bad... seriously, the kid has nothing but time. He can't have a job, school shouldn't demand much, he needs to learn the importance of rules and structure somewhere and 30min a weekend is like putting an entire cake in front of a child and telling them they only get one bite for no reason other than you don't want them eating the whole cake.

Some suggestions out of my childhood: Outdoors are a must! But you can't just be lazy about it, this is your time to dive in and enjoy having a son. While I no longer support the cub scouts anymore, there are other programs that do similar activities. Ever seen those balsa wood rubber band airplanes at the craft stores or Cracker Barrels? To a child (especially with autism) seeing those planes can be a wonder to behold and they only cost $5 or so.

Another major idea: Legos. I know it can be expensive but if you can get him to tap into his imagination and creativity, Legos will train him to be very smart and they will be worth the investment.

Games are not a bad pass-time for kids but you do need to watch what games you put in front of them. Use some common sense here; no bloody games with skanky girls and encouraged murder. Go for the Mario games. My biggest suggestion here is give him an NES and start him where we started, back before there was enough data space for garbage. Mega Man games are gold as well as the Zelda games.

Have you thought of waking him up early Saturday morning and watching cartoons with him in pajamas while eating cereal? You would be surprised how much you may bond with him. If you want that bond you have to learn to suspend your frustration and substitute it with the wonderment of a child, if not to join him than to guide him to find joy in things. Remember, he still needs guidance and training and with this autism, we lose our ability to find our own happiness! You must help him find it within himself by showing him what having fun as a kid can be like!

I will stress this again: this is the time in his life where he is coming into the realization that he is a prisoner. At that age, all the school and limitations and rules that seem to be meaningless, the lack of time allowed to do what he loves... if you think hard enough about what it was like as a kid and then strip away the ability to be blissful you may come to understand his dark attitude. It is not a bad thing to let the kid enjoy his Saturdays and Sundays! Be smart about it, sure but you are not going to keep him from addictions by taking things away! That isn't how that works. I'm more than grown and studied enough to see that as a truth. You worry about him being too addicted? You combat that by establishing your wisdom as something he should respect first. It's not like he's shirking his paying job. Let him have fun but shuffle the activities and let him try new (safe) things!

(Oh, and when I say cartoons I mean Duck Tales and Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers and stuff like that. Don't willingly expose him to Ren & Stimpy or Spongebob if you can avoid it. Cartoons shape young minds more than the sheeple of this world will admit and if you allow crude and ridiculous to govern your kid's humor, he will grow up crude natured. As loony as you want to go will be Animaniacs; they are crazy but clean as well as educational.)

I have some more input if you are interested in hearing more. I love talking to parents about this stuff because it really is easy to misunderstand what a child's perspective feels like. I only say these things to try and be helpful. Not just for the sake of your son, but for yours as well. Perhaps you wouldn't feel so frustrated with him if you learned to loosen up and realize that having a son is supposed to be fun for you as well. I can't wait to do all those things with my son!

 

[danxp]

crossbreed, churchtheartist, warmheart... thank you so so much for your insight... i am feeling so encouraged that a forum exists where people are so eager to share their unique perspective with total strangers...

i will be the first to admit that i need help... perhaps i am an aspie myself?

please feel free to criticize me as i need to know the things i am doing wrong...

i set the weekend limit at 30m because he always goes over it... by a lot... so if i make it an hour or two he may play for 4...

my son watches lots of cartoon network (he likes these really goofy shows like 'gumball' and 'uncle grandpa' as well as the much more 'normal' 'spongebob')... should i cut that off?

i think i will heed church's advice and raise the game-time limit on weekends... i wish he liked sports so we could do something outside together... he likes running so maybe i'll have him enter some 5k races...

church, i'd be happy to hear more input...

thank you all

 

[Crossbreed]

i wish he liked sports so we could do something outside together...

He may be selective about sports that appeal to him. I was. I didn't like throwing a baseball or a football,* but I liked kicking a soccer ball and throwing a frisbee (among other aerodynamic toys). I liked bicycling, but my school didn't have a team. Cross-country [running] was my only school sport. My grandparents had a croquet set. I didn't play tennis, but that could have worked, too.

*I didn't hit it off very well with the team sport set, like baseball, basketball & football. (Soccer could have been an exception based on my elementary school experiences. Added: church youth group volleyball was fun, too.)

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

Kids will love whatever cartoon is on TV really. It's my strong belief though, that cartoon quality and humor quality has declined far too much for modern TV to be a good idea. I am a collector of classic cartoons. Old Disney and old Cartoon Network cartoons (with exceptions) are pretty golden but have to be a DVD collection now. But luckily old shows come in box sets that can be pretty cheap on Amazon!

Here is an example of a classic:

Its great humor that still makes me laugh and has an educational application. Animaniacs have a rocky past as they were often considered "too zany" for kids but it's really the perfect cartoon for adults and kids to watch together because of the multi-level humor written in each episode. Animaniacs, Freakazoid and The Tick were pioneers of comical satire that were well ahead of their time and you might enjoy watching it yourself. I have all the episodes of all three and the Tick two seasons can be purchased for less than a month's worth of TV bills.

I can't tell you how many hours... days... weeks I've spent enjoying these old cartoons. I learned so much as well. Even now I practice to sing to their songs which has really helped me both in my verbal comprehension skills as well as speech skills.

Kids will like any cartoon fed to them, it's the parents' job to make sure the best cartoons are on the tube. I spent more time as a kid watching what we had on VHS than what was on TV. Most of my childhood I didn't even have TV access but was given plenty of VHSs to enjoy so my parents knew what I was watchin.

With knowledge of cartoon history I can tell you that cartoons can last up into teen and adulthood with plenty of old shows that will appeal to him at a more mature age and still be clean!

These are just the coolest shows! And they were from an age with higher moral standards for what was acceptable on public TV.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

Another MUST for kids growing up is this right here. This actually helped me as a kid grasp some major concepts in math and science. It laid the foundation for my ability to think in terms of a mathematician. I learned to appreciate the greek from this.

 

[Crossbreed]

On a related note, I was humming the tunes from Grammar Rock when I took my PSAT/SAT in high school...!

 

[watersprite]

This helped my son quite a bit back when he was that age.
In fact he still corresponds (text & speech) with several other people his age from 'all corners of the globe' who consider themselves to be friends, even though they've never met and likely never will.

~> https://scratch.mit.edu

"Scratch is a programming language and an online community where children can program and share interactive media such as stories, games, and animation with people from all over the world. As children create with Scratch, they learn to think creatively, work collaboratively, and reason systematically.."

 

[danxp]

church thanks for those videos... now if i could only get them to watch ONLY those videos while on youtube... whenever i let them watch any videos online they always end up watching gaming videos where they're cursing like crazy... not good...

i loved schoolhouse rock as a kid... still love them today as a matter of fact... will have to sit and watch those with the kids...

i tried scratch for my son but it never gained any traction with him... may have to have him try again...

thanks all for the replies!

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

church thanks for those videos... now if i could only get them to watch ONLY those videos while on youtube... whenever i let them watch any videos online they always end up watching gaming videos where they're cursing like crazy... not good...

i loved schoolhouse rock as a kid... still love them today as a matter of fact... will have to sit and watch those with the kids...

i tried scratch for my son but it never gained any traction with him... may have to have him try again...

thanks all for the replies!

I'll emphasis a point that I wasn't hard on earlier to shine some light on this:

As a kid, I had no access to public television. My parents went through bouts of no TV, bouts of only chosen channels, bouts of password protected TV access and the entire time a TV guardian was plugged in. Any time we were allowed to watch Cartoon Network it was something we had to earn with behavior.

Internet started its rise when I was in middle school this it was before WiFi so you had to hard wire to the phone jacks. My parents did not allow me any internet access on my own computer; only on theirs where they could keep tabs. I didn't have access to my own internet until I moved out and enrolled into college! Do I hate my parents for doing this? No, that would be absurd! But then again people may not agree but they were the ones who had filthy minds in single digit age. I know because, well, I went to school too and I knew who was allowed to do what and I also see how they all turned out 25 years later. Trust me, there's a statistical correlation.

Danxp, please remember that you are the Father and you do not owe your kids freedom of either TV or internet. Honestly if you step back and gain the perspective I typically endorse you might agree that there's no reason a child needs the internet. Do the schools require internet access? I'm sure they do but then again, schools don't give a crap about teaching kids morals like they used to. Just because some teacher says it's "okay" or "good for learning" doesn't make it so. Again, I point out to the fact that I have observed the "free reign" parenting to different degrees for 29 years now and I can promise you there is a correlation.

You put the devices in their hands, you can take them back. Kid's don't need smartphones; I didn't even have a Nokia cell phone at all until high school because I had a driver's license. Just because you can't see your child doesn't mean they need an iPhone. I know this may not directly reflect your parenting but I want to set a tone so you can understand what I mean.

Remember I mentioned that I actually bought the DVDs? I did mean for you to do the same. Cracker Barrel has a bunch of cheap retro DVD collections including classics like Andy Griffith and Red Skelton. Youtube is NOT safe for children and I will explain with another observation: There has been a rise in popularity now that you can choose the frame of your video to set it's link thumbnail (you couldn't always do that) people have found that they get more hits when they put up pictures of women in underwear or skin tight clothes or worse. Music videos whether professional or homemade will now simply have their thumbnail be something a little boy does not need in his mind. And can you control what Youtube puts on the home page? No. So don't let the kids on it because you are handing over the mantle of "moral trainer" to the Mass Media Marketers.

Again with the perspective aspect: For the money you may have spent on buying an iPad for the kids or a laptop, you could have gone on Amazon and bought at least 6-10 box sets of kids cartoons from the 80s and 90s. If you share your internet accessible devices with your kids, I'd advise you to stop. That is actually a bad idea because it blurs the lines of Parent/Child boundaries. It is important that children know that Mom and Dad's stuff is off limits. It sets an overall respect that will later roll over to things like guns, cigars, lawnmowers and what-have-you. It's not just good child psychology, it's also sensible adult behavior. After all, you wouldn't let your toddler drive your car into town, would you? So why give them a $600 smart device and give them free access to all information on the internet (which is 80% porn anyway)? The internet may be comparably cheap to the BMW in the garage but that doesn't mean it can't equally hold some long term psychological repercussions for a developing child.

People often disagree with these boundaries and rules. I'm aware it's not a popular or "hip" view on parenting. I don't care what's currently the norm and I would hope you are the same. We have, after all, seen a horrible decline in society that mirrors the exponential access to the internet (on top of the normal decline). I am a 90's kid and I had plenty of friends who were allowed to watch adult movies (not what it means today, again, decline) and I know who was given free play on information access. In my day, this was reflected in certain comic books or magazines. Do you remember when those were a moral hot topic? I do. I've seen this lack of boundary play out into adulthood and, well, it's not pretty and it certainly isn't very productive or employed.

Recap: Kids need internet about as much as they need a circular saw to sleep with. Just because it's easier to show them cartoons on Youtube does not mean it's the best course and as you may have seen already, they will still go for the dirty stuff because they're already on the internet. DVDs are a closed circuit. You control what they can see with the exception of the pre-menu advertisements (I miss VHS, it didn't have that crap) but even still it should be the same parental rating as the feature. You probably already spend money on other things that aren't on the vital level of Oxygen or Water and you did have a kid; spending money comes with the territory. Don't half-heart the parental efforts and flesh out for some DVD box sets and maybe a Gameboy.

Another good point: Get a gameboy SP or Advance; something with a backlight but before the DS. Get them some old games like Tetris or Mario or the original Pokemon or whatever. Again, keep them off the new stuff because child appropriate standards and internet access has all changed in the last 30 years.

I make all this efforted points because nothing is more important to me than good parenting. This is one of my biggest passions and I give no quarter for lax child care. I want you to feel supported and confident because you are the Father, you will not always be well liked by the kid due to harsh rules but you are going to be doing some back-tracking at this point.

 

[danxp]

church... i am in agreement with everything you are saying... implementation of such a harsh rollback will be difficult to say the least tho... my wife is a great mother but she tends to take the easy way out as do i typically, hence the poor parenting...

one thing that i would be very concerned with should i take this approach is this...
- how is he going to relate to other kids now that he's so out of touch with minecraft and the like...
- he already resents me for being the bad cop and being such a game-time nazi... if i cut off the internet and tv, he'll resent me even more...
- he actually doesn't watch youtube anymore because i was so fed up with the videogamers swearing so much
- the few friends my son has are our neighbors' boys who tolerate him because they talk gaming all day...
- how to keep him occupied when he's alone with grandma who watches him during the week

my wife and i both work full time (as we can't afford not to) and we get home after 7 so after school activities are difficult to arrange for him... he says he's constantly bored and will typically default to the ridiculous cartoon network and their goofy shows (gumball, uncle grandpa, teen titans, etc)... the dvds will last only so long...

thanks for your input again

 

[watersprite]

danxp Do you guys or grandma ever get outside with the boy and ride bikes, walk, run, or hike?

 

[danxp]

danxp Do you guys or grandma ever get outside with the boy and ride bikes, walk, run, or hike?

yes... he actually likes running so i take him to the school track from time to time but i should do way more... like biking, hiking and walks like you said...

 

[watersprite]

yes... he actually likes running so i take him to the school track from time to time but i should do way more... like biking, hiking and walks like you said...

Good, best of luck to you and your family. I don't know how to state it strongly enough how being outside was (& is) vital to my continuing existence & consequently my children's.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

church... i am in agreement with everything you are saying... implementation of such a harsh rollback will be difficult to say the least tho... my wife is a great mother but she tends to take the easy way out as do i typically, hence the poor parenting...

one thing that i would be very concerned with should i take this approach is this...
- how is he going to relate to other kids now that he's so out of touch with minecraft and the like...
- he already resents me for being the bad cop and being such a game-time nazi... if i cut off the internet and tv, he'll resent me even more...
- he actually doesn't watch youtube anymore because i was so fed up with the videogamers swearing so much
- the few friends my son has are our neighbors' boys who tolerate him because they talk gaming all day...
- how to keep him occupied when he's alone with grandma who watches him during the week

my wife and i both work full time (as we can't afford not to) and we get home after 7 so after school activities are difficult to arrange for him... he says he's constantly bored and will typically default to the ridiculous cartoon network and their goofy shows (gumball, uncle grandpa, teen titans, etc)... the dvds will last only so long...

thanks for your input again

This is where I would say it comes down to what you want to decide for your kid and his near future. The question is:
What is more important? That your child fits in with other children or that he is raised with moral values?

I will point out that if you know the other kids do things you don't want your kid to do and you let your kid be friends with them, he will rebel. This is no-brainer. Every kid has a rebellious stage but you can control how soon, how often and how bad it happens more than others would leave you to believe.

The thing is, it has always been a major dilemma for parents of each generation. Do we allow the world to raise our child or do we take the reigns? Every choice you make should revolve around this. This is the main reason why so many people don't have kids until they are capable of homeschooling them somehow. Think about it; 90% of your kid's weekdays are spent under the control of strangers who teach them life lessons (good or bad). Any small amount of time you have to spend with your will be spent fighting to undo all the garbage he's been given from the schools and friends. It's a losing battle if faught retrospectively and the longer you put this off the harder it gets. If kids are allowed to rely on their peers for friendship then the drawback is that other children are going to be raising your child. Everything you teach them in the few hours you spend can and probably will be undone by the other children who not only hate your teachings but have waaay more time and influence over your kid.

You can instead find parents of like-mind and like-value; get to know their kids and work to build that friendship. Again, you are the parent; if you don't realize how much control you actually have you will end up losing all control of your family. Until he has a car, money and his own house with food you will always have some level of authority to call the shots... don't waste it because you will lose your chance in a short few years.

The more of a chance you want to give your kid, the less "connected" he should be with modern parenting or lack thereof. Unfortunately this also means the better you want your values to stick with him, the more you are going to have to sacrifice to replace the role of teacher. Think about how many adults he is going to be under and how many kids he will listen to (more than any adult) and guess the percentage of hours and quality of time he will be with these strangers (who don't care as much for him as you do) and then compare that to the quantity and quality of the time you and your wife spend with him. That should show you the uphill battle it is to think that a few hours a week is enough to have any influence over your son.

If your kid hangs out at a butcher's shop 8-3 every weekday, he's going to come home and smell like meat and by the time you get the smell washed out of the house, he's going to track it in the next week until you forget what it's like to live in a clean house. Influence of strangers has to be taken as seriously as a battle.


You need change. Not just in his habits but yours too.

 

[watersprite]

While this book is not specific to those of us on the spectrum, I found it enormously helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/Transforming...467858258&sr=1-3&keywords=The+difficult+child

 

[pax]

On the subject of exercise, I also had poor muscle control and co-ordination as a child, as well as bad ligamentous laxity. so hated most sports (My mum tried to get me into tennis, which was doomed to fail.). Swimming was good, as there was not the weight bearing problems, and the joint flexibility was a bonus for breaststroke. I took up martial arts as a young adult, as strangely, though I had bad co-ordination, my reflexes were pretty good, and learning kata (patterns) is good for memory and discipline.
Just find something he likes and is good at.
Best wishes.

 

[paloftoon]

. . . Do the schools require internet access? I'm sure they do but then again, schools don't give a crap about teaching kids morals like they used to. Just because some teacher says it's "okay" or "good for learning" doesn't make it so. Again, I point out to the fact that I have observed the "free reign" parenting to different degrees for 29 years now and I can promise you there is a correlation.

First off, I really enjoy your fresh honesty on here. Thank you! I wish more people were like you in this regard.

As a former teacher, I can say that many schools actually do "give a crap", but they are so overwhelmed at managing the different behaviors and motivating students in ways that will help them continue to receive the funding they need to operate based on the state government's rules (this excludes private school having to follow crazy gvnt. funding rules.) A lot of people do "give a crap" enough I believe, but we don't have a lot of cooperative effort among the staff, nor students, families, and communities that really try to support their schools enough like the family you were raised in unfortunately. Many families are worried about their next meal or living in an unsafe environment.