I could really use some help right about now.

[Robert Lee]

Hello guys and girls! My name is Robert and this is my first post, I was looking for some help with my boyfriend who has aspergers, and I stumbled upon this forum.

My Aspie boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year and a half now. At first it was absolutely amazing, and still to this day we find ourselves telling each other that we love each other so much. However, over the past three or four months I find that I am getting continuously worn out with certain miscellaneous things in our relationship. And I don’t know what to do besides give up. And I don’t want to do that.

First things first, I find that he always has the feeling, and need to be right. No matter what I say or what I contribute to a conversation, I am always wrong, no matter what, and I feel like I’m constantly being belittled. Additionally, I feel like I’m having to be a guardian to him because I have to beg him to do certain things that other people would find easy, such as shaving, brushing his hair, making sure his clothes are picked up, and making sure that his clothes are matching when he leaves the house. While I don’t entirely mind, it scares me for the future because I don’t know if we might have to deal with issues like this in the future when it comes to our potential family.

Additionally, the way that he talks to me in public can be misconstrued it to sound like he’s abusive. Four instance he’s always referring to me as being fat, or un-educated since I haven’t been to college, but he has been. Additionally, he speaks upwards of seven or eight languages, so he is the real brains between the two of us, but at the same time, that shouldn’t allow for me to feel like I’m consistently being stupid around him.

When I do go over to his place, the first thing that I noticed about his bedroom is that he has no TV, and he has more paper notebooks and I think I’ve ever seen in my entire life, his room often times reminds me of Albert Einstein‘s office, and that both scares me, and makes me feel like I am dating somebody who has a real head on their shoulders. But I also feel like I’m dating somebody who is a borderline hoarder.

Getting him to clean his room is a pretty much impossible task, I know last year I ended up going over there and doing it myself and the dust in his room was so bad that I had an asthma attack and was rushed to the emergency room. Because getting him to do it it’s pretty much impossible. Just today he finally shaved his beard which was overgrown and disgusting looking, but only after I begged him for two months.

Someone ask why do I stay with him, it’s because at the end of the day, I can see who he really is, I could see his soul and I could see what an animated goofball he is, and I absolutely love it with all of my heart. I want to make this work so bad, I really do. Any help and assistance that you guys might be able to lend me would be greatly appreciated.

Robert

 

[kay]

Sorry you are in that sorta situation. Since you seem determined to stay with the guy I'm not sure what to say. For the most part though, if you stay, that's just who he is. It doesn't sound healthy or all an aspie sorta issue. Aspies do tend to have a few grooming issues sometimes, it took me for ever to learn to comb the back of my head and make a pony tail. And I admit I went two weeks without combing my long hair once. But I washed it everyday. But being a hoarder, that sounds like another thing going on. One of my aunt's was a hoarder with a bio hazard of a house. Not an aspie. It may be anxiety problem, and anxiety is common to aspies but far from exclusive.

As for the clothes, my NT boyfriend wears mud caked pants (actually today I think there was a fair amount of bunny poop involved) with a clean sports coat to the grocery store to search for turkey parts. I sometimes wish he'd put clean pants on first, but if he's ok with it, fine. But on the other hand he never makes me feel stupid even though I barely got through high-school and he graduated from a really good university. Actually he makes me feel smart and pretty and loved. Don't think I could handle it if he made me feel bad about myself.

 

[isthisreallife]

Have you spoken to him about any of this, particularly the belittling?

 

[Streetwise]

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome Robert!

A lot of those traits sounds like myself.
I'm not a hoarder, but, find it hard to take the time to clean things up.
I get so engaged in my special interests, I think I know what you mean about papers and notes all over the place.
I don't belittle unless someone belittles me.
Then there are verbal shots back.
With the highly intellectual Aspies, a bit of narcisistic tendencies seem to be mixed in.

I love the show Scorpion and relate to the character of Walter. I can laugh and even applaud his character traits and second guess what he is going to say much of the time.
I really got a kick out of one episode where McCabe was talking about a mission that involved some terrorists and he told the gang not to underestimate them because they were antisocial, narcisistic, and highly intelligent.
Sylvester answered "So are we."
With a frightened look on his face.

Anyway, so much for the humour.
I like to know I look my best and clean when out in public, but, again, just around the house, I put off taking the hygenic time.
I don't watch much TV either.
A lot of these things you speak of seem to be Aspie.
Haven't heard much of being abusive verbally though.

the way that he talks to me in public can be misconstrued it to sound like he’s abusive. Four instance he’s always referring to me as being fat, or un-educated since I haven’t been to college, but he has been

That almost sounds like someone who needs to feel they are the dominate. That can be in anyone. Aspie, NTs, whatever. I see how you would find that rude.

Additionally, he speaks upwards of seven or eight languages, so he is the real brains between the two of us, but at the same time, that shouldn’t allow for me to feel like I’m consistently being stupid around him.

I would reply to that statement you are right and you shouldn't allow yourself to feel stupid around him.

But, I wouldn't count much on changing him.
Speaking from experience...

 

[Squished Crab]

Welcome!

 

[Mia]

Welcome Robert, to Aspies Central.

You need to be clear with him, "Do not speak to me like that, it makes me feel ......" Each time, until he understands.

Where he needs to be right: "You're entitled to your opinion let's agree to disagree."

Don't clean his place, it's obviously not important to him. Suggest, or do it together until he's used to the idea, you are not his mother.

His self-care, explain to him clearly how his lack of cleanliness is distasteful to others around him. And especially to you. He'll take it as criticism, and be angry or upset. Step back from this and give it time to sink in. No begging, no fixing. Enable him to do it on his own.

 

[dragoncat16]

I think your last paragraph answers your question.

Would you like for him to tell you a bunch of things you should change about yourself? Obviously not, since you already said you feel as if he belittles you. Perhaps when you are trying to tell him to change things about himself, he feels belittled by you.

Nobody should tell you that you're fat or uneducated, so you should make it clear to him that it bothers you when he says things like that to you (it is possible that he hasn't realised that he makes you feel bad), and also ask him whether there are things that you say to him that make him feel bad. If you feel stupid around him and it's not because of something specific he has said, then that's really your issue to work out and not his.

As for personal hygiene or cleaning his room, some people are just like that. He probably won't start doing those things just because you want him to, because he possibly doesn't even see his room as messy. If it bothers you so much, you'll probably have to clean it for him. My mom told me that she did that for my dad when they were first going out, so it is something that people do sometimes. I'm not sure whether his notebooks or lack of TV are real problems for you. Maybe he simply writes a lot and doesn't enjoy watching TV.

The above goes for anyone, not just people on the spectrum. People tend not to change. You have to decide whether you can put up with his quirks or not, just as he has to decide whether he can put up with yours. If your last paragraph is really how you feel, than you have already answered your own question.