I can’t stop ruminating.

[Markness]

I literally can’t stop ruminating every day of my life. Even when I wake up in the morning or while I am driving the car, I have streams of negative memories coursing through my mind. Listening to music doesn’t make the thoughts go away nor does anything else other people do to occupy their minds work for me either. All the years of being bullied, rejected, and denied have probably damaged my psyche beyond repair.

 

[tree]

You are very attached to the stories you tell yourself.

Spoiler

You could tell your therapist. Again.

 

[DaisyRose]

I had a hard time with that as well. I could never enjoy the present moment. That’s one of the main reasons why I had to take medication. Also because I wasn’t getting any sleep. Trama for bullying is one of the main issues that cause worrying and self doubt as someone who experienced that at school.

 

[Markness]

You are very attached to the stories you tell yourself.

Spoiler

You could tell your therapist. Again.

I saw her today and mentioned it to her but we didn’t talk much about it because I felt disoriented in the morning due to having to rush to the appointment.

 

[Miska]

what coping mechanisms do you have for when you perseverate?

 

[Markness]

what coping mechanisms do you have for when you perseverate?

I meditate and breathe when I remember to do so. But I still get crushed by loneliness, particularly from not having a girlfriend at my age (35).

 

[Miska]

Having a girlfriend is not going to solve your loneliness, that's an internal issue. I'm poly and have multiple spouses, and I promise you, it will not solve it. I'm 36. I feel a constant loneliness and emptiness. It's part of the ptsd of being neurodiverse.

Find something that makes your soul sing. For me it has been my gardens. That more than anything has helped to fill that lonely pit inside of me. It never goes away, but it's less... intense.

I really really really stand by working on yourself and making yourself someone that makes you feel less lonely. While that happens, work on your relationship skills (and they are skills) with a therapist, and create relationships that are fulfilling in your hobbies (friendships). That helps. It really does.

 

[MildredHubble]

I meditate and breathe when I remember to do so. But I still get crushed by loneliness, particularly from not having a girlfriend at my age (35).

It's a tough cycle to get out of @Markness The way out is always going to be unique to the individual. Rumination is not really something most people choose to do. In my case, I believe it's my logical, rational brain in concert with my sub conscious brain, trying to figure out a way to logically solve a problem, that is too distant in the past to have a conventional solution.

So one thing I try to do is imagine I solve the problem. Just literally that. I don't try to think about how, just Deus ex machina my way out of it. That allows my mind to move beyond it, until it notices I tricked it. But the next time I ruminate I will think of a solution, perhaps not a good one, and the process repeats until I feel like the memory isn't playing like a scratched record. Eventually I am victorious!

The "solution" can be something ridiculous, like giving yourself magic powers. It doesn't have to be realistic, just enough to persuade your subconscious that it's possible. Just imagine you did it in response to whatever is going round and round in your head.

That's what works for me for most of the rumination I experience. It does take practice and it's still a bit of a battle. But I find it helps, until, little by little, the loop stops

 

[Miska]

It's a tough cycle to get out of @Markness The way out is always going to be unique to the individual. Rumination is not really something most people choose to do. In my case, I believe it's my logical, rational brain in concert with my sub conscious brain, trying to figure out a way to logically solve a problem, that is too distant in the past to have a conventional solution.

So one thing I try to do is imagine I solve the problem. Just literally that. I don't try to think about how, just Deus ex machina my way out of it. That allows my mind to move beyond it, until it notices I tricked it. But the next time I ruminate I will think of a solution, perhaps not a good one, and the process repeats until I feel like the memory isn't playing like a scratched record. Eventually I am victorious!

The "solution" can be something ridiculous, like giving yourself magic powers. It doesn't have to be realistic, just enough to persuade your subconscious that it's possible. Just imagine you did it in response to whatever is going round and round in your head.

That's what works for me for most of the rumination I experience. It does take practice and it's still a bit of a battle. But I find it helps, until, little by little, the loop stops

Omg, I have never thought of it that way! I am totally going to try to do that next time I get stuck in an anxiety storm (what I call my perseverance episodes).

 

[MildredHubble]

Omg, I have never thought of it that way! I am totally going to try to do that next time I get stuck in an anxiety storm (what I call my perseverance episodes).

I really hope it helps! Just try to imagine any solution, it doesn't need to make that much sense. It's a matter of getting the recurrent thought/scenario to get a little further beyond the usual ending and into new territory where anything is possible, but you have control over the outcome Good luck!

 

[Markness]

I had a reply but it got messed up while I was formatting it.

 

[Markness]

Having a girlfriend is not going to solve your loneliness, that's an internal issue. I'm poly and have multiple spouses, and I promise you, it will not solve it. I'm 36. I feel a constant loneliness and emptiness. It's part of the ptsd of being neurodiverse.

Find something that makes your soul sing. For me it has been my gardens. That more than anything has helped to fill that lonely pit inside of me. It never goes away, but it's less... intense.

I really really really stand by working on yourself and making yourself someone that makes you feel less lonely. While that happens, work on your relationship skills (and they are skills) with a therapist, and create relationships that are fulfilling in your hobbies (friendships). That helps. It really does.

It’s just not easy at all for me to not think about not having a girlfriend. I live in an area (Central Texas) where people get into relationships and even marry early so it’s very common to see couples out in public. I also have four siblings who are married, have their own families, and are constantly succeeding at things while I am socially isolated (I don’t fit in with the predominant Central Texas culture and in fact still get bullied by people who are a part of it.) and only have disappointments to show for my efforts.

 

[tree]

I don't think it's important for you to make yourself not think about having no girlfriend.

I believe it is important for you to not think it's the end of the world that
you don't have one. The sad stories you keep repeating to yourself: no gf,
I'm a loser, another year down the drain...etc are not helping you.

 

[Midnights11]

This is so me OP. The problem with me is, neurotypicals tell me to move on from my past. But they never tell me how. I find watching something funny helps

 

[Miska]

I don't think it's important for you to make yourself not think about having no girlfriend.

I believe it is important for you to not think it's the end of the world that
you don't have one. The sad stories you keep repeating to yourself: no gf,
I'm a loser, another year down the drain...etc are not helping you.

Exactly! Find something that make your soul sing, so that even if you do not have a GF or SO or whatever, you have things that bring you joy.

When you are filled with joy, you reflect joy, and that attracts. Oh, does it attract.

 

[Binx]

It’s just not easy at all for me to not think about not having a girlfriend. I live in an area (Central Texas) where people get into relationships and even marry early so it’s very common to see couples out in public. I also have four siblings who are married, have their own families, and are constantly succeeding at things while I am socially isolated (I don’t fit in with the predominant Central Texas culture and in fact still get bullied by people who are a part of it.) and only have disappointments to show for my efforts.

It’s difficult. I know. I’ve been with my partner for almost 30 years and we have a great, sometimes wonderful, occasionally annoying relationship - pretty ’normal’ after so long together! Yet the lonely pit inside me has never gone away, though I have learned to live with it more calmly and to value it as providing me with one of the many unique traits that most others just simply don’t understand nor have any concept of. This lonely pit bears no relation to how many people I am surrounded by. It’s an entity in itself. It is part of me. And I am me. I am often a lonely me. I cherish and remember those moments of connection I have with others, holding onto them - no matter how fleeting- being careful not to miss them when they happen. You are also a unique and wonderful, beautiful human being with a vibrant, loveable core. Get a hold of your spotlight and shine it there….. x

 

[Markness]

I don't think it's important for you to make yourself not think about having no girlfriend.

I believe it is important for you to not think it's the end of the world that
you don't have one. The sad stories you keep repeating to yourself: no gf,
I'm a loser, another year down the drain...etc are not helping you.

It’s like it’s a bad thing for me to say I want a girlfriend but it’s ok for others to wish for a special partner. Or at least that’s how my mind keeps interpreting certain messages that way.

 

[tree]

Yes, that is how you keep interpreting it.

 

[Markness]

My situation feels so abnormal.

 

[tree]

My situation feels so abnormal.

This is the result of comparing yourself to other people,
and holding up their experience as a standard by which
to judge yourself.

And the group to which you are comparing yourself
is not a sufficient population sample from which to
derive the concept that your situation is "abnormal."