I can't "poke fun" or be poked fun at

[pelecanus87]

Wondering if this is a common Asperger's thing or maybe I'm just insecure or something...

When people poke fun at me, I have a hard time playing along. Rather than feeling motivated to poke fun at them in return, I'm usually just annoyed and thinking about what their possible motivations might be. Furthermore, when I try to play along, I have a hard time speaking in a "joking around" manner. When I try to do this, I actually sound pissed. I also have a hard time constructing comments on the spot that are appropriately joking in nature, and may accidentally cross the line of being inappropriate. Difficulty with literalism, language and expression are associated with Asperger's and play a fairly big part in this interaction, so I thought it might make sense.

One time my girlfriend's dad made fun of my political views. I said nothing in response and he probably thought I was humorless. I just had nothing to say and found it either annoying or lame.

 

[xudo]

I wouldn't have said that I'm terrible at poking fun at people, but only really with people I know very, very well. Other than that I don't really get 'banter'. I too cannot play along with people poking fun at me, in exactly the same way that you describe it.

 

[Gritches]

You might want to ditch any efforts in responding to poking fun with a perfect mirror/reciprocation of what they said; for all the reasons you mention actually pulling that off consistently is an unreasonable standard to hold yourself to.

If what you're doing isn't working, stop doing that and try something else. Better than trying to mirror their behaviors is to figure out and develop work-arounds to poking fun; "outs" I call them. It's just ways to respond that are socially acceptable without having to walk the tightrope of properly reciprocating. For example:

-An easy and conservative method of responding to poking fun is to say something that will defuse the game they're trying to get you to play. Responding with something as simple as "if you say so" should end the interaction. The premise with this is that their inner child is trying to speak to your inner child to try to get you to "play" with them. It's a more subtle form of exactly what 5-year-olds do. By responding as an adult and refusing to "play" with them, they should immediately lose interest in you and look elsewhere for someone to play with if that is still their desire.

-If you'd rather play their game, you can do that without trying to mirror their social behavior - because even if you get it right the first time, odds are they'll continue and fire back and now you're back to square one. A better way to play their game satisfactorily is to take control of the interaction and make them play YOUR game. For example, imagine someone shoots a comment your way. They're challenging you to a verbal "play fight" and trying to goad you into hitting back. You can flip the script on them and respond with something like "that's not a very nice thing to say." This will put them on the back foot and get them responding to what YOU say.

-One higher-risk way to respond to poking fun from someone who isn't your social superior is to pretend to be offended at the comment and make a big deal about it in a hammy and joking way. It's much easier to pull off "joking" in this context because you aren't trying to respond in kind to what they said; you're seizing control of the interaction and putting them on the defensive. Granted, this does require a somewhat bombastic personality to not scare everyone in the room, because if "Oh no you di-int" just comes out of nowhere it might be received poorly.

What you describe happens to me a lot. These are just three ways I respond to it rather than trying to think of "the perfect response" in the span of half a second. Hope it helps.

 

[Reedstorm17]

There's this one person who sometimes jokes with me, and then when I play along, he says something like, "I'm just joking! Jeez." Yeah, I know that. I'm playing along. Should I just stay quiet next time because apparently I'm not putting enough sarcasm into my voice?

 

[AGXStarseed]

Normally the only time I can poke fun back is when I remember similar jibes used by other people; often comedians.

At work, I've spent a few years getting used to the banter in the office and I've learned that my colleagues consistently make 'light-hearted' jibes at each other. With some practice I've gotten fairly decent at it around them.
For example, one of my managers once made a 'jibe' at me over been a redhead. Due to him going bald, I responded with this slightly altered line from an episode of Phoenix Nights.

"Oh, is that you (manager's name)?" *shields my eyes* "Sorry, I didn't see you there with all that light bouncing off your head".

 

[Ylva]

This is funny, because I usually make too harsh comebacks. My sense of humor is more along the lines of "it's funny because it's true".

God, I got in so much trouble for this as a kid.

Some kid says a potentially hurtful thing to me with a smile, and the voice in my head that sounds like my Dad's says something to the effect of not taking everything/myself so seriously, so I say something back with a smile that I don't consider particularly worse than what they said to me, and you guessed it – the brat begins to cry.

If you think I only despise children because of what they did to me in school, you forget that I also despise adults for what they did to me in school.

 

[jbalka]

I usually don't see teasing as funny-- I get hurt feelings pretty easily. But, being a slight hypocrite, I tease close family, but sometimes I go too far without realizing it until the person tells me.... I don't think I really poke fun at people I only know kinda well.

 

[Datura]

Yeah, I often don't know how to take such comments. I usually meet them with an "okay...?" or silence.

At my last job I had a coworker who would joke around a lot. He would often ask me odd questions, then laugh at my answers. I wasn't sure if he was trying to have fun with me or at my expense. My supervisor even told him to stop giving me a hard time. Either way, it felt invalidating.

This isn't exactly on topic, but he also liked to play dumb. The problem is that I couldn't tell the difference between when he was joking or when he was had a genuine misunderstanding.

 

[Danny 74]

I take most jokes as someone having a go at me or threatening me... I just like to be left alone... Got no time for banter. I dont make fun of people and i dont particularly like fun being made of me...!

 

[Guppyfry]

It is perfectly okay for you to set boundries and to enforce them consistently - You can say politely: "Please don't poke fun at me, it makes me feel uncomfortable". Stick to your guns, be consistent, and people will respect you for it.

I used to be in the military (10 years). As an Aspie (undiagnosed at the time), I was very uncomfortable with some of the ways people interacted. I set very strict bounderies (Please, do not use that type of language when you talk to me, or, "Stop the constant teasing, it is inappropriate, and I feel you are teasing me to try and get an emotional reaction, but let me assure, nothing of the sort will happen", and reinforced them - people stopped the behaviours that annoyed me, and really respected me for it. I sound very stuffy and formal in writting, but in person, I am fun and can take a joke - to a point.