I suppose in my case it’s due to the fact I live in an area where people marry and have kids early, it makes me perceive dating as easy for others.
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I can't let go of wanting a girlfriend
- Thread starter Markness
- Start date
- Status
Same here. I think I mentioned to a friend yesterday that a lot of the people I know who are married had kids right away. This may be more common in small towns.
I live in a city but it has a small town mentality. How so? Modern technology is here but people tend to prefer country music and read Western novels.
I think maybe people have kind of an old-fashioned mentality here. A lot of people my age and younger are married.
I feel the same way. I am 42, and everyone around me has partnered up. Even the ones that seemed to “take a long time“ are in relationships now. They do make it look easy. But, it has not been for me.
I honestly cried when I read Dr. Gilmartin’s study about his interviews with men who were in their 30’s or older and they never established any romantic bonds. I thought I was reading my future. I am 34 now and those same old fears are still apt.
When you say you "honestly cried" does that mean that
sometimes you cry but it's dishonest? Or that some
people think your tears/sadness is phony?
I get the impression that your life contains a lot of
not having your feeling acknowledged, that people
have frequently accused you of faking your emotions.
sometimes you cry but it's dishonest? Or that some
people think your tears/sadness is phony?
I get the impression that your life contains a lot of
not having your feeling acknowledged, that people
have frequently accused you of faking your emotions.
No and no.
A lot of my feelings haven’t been acknowledged, though. Other times, they are scoffed at.
Men crying in the crummy culture I live in are derided as being “weak” or “big babies” as well.
They're probably masking. Relationships are rarely easy.
Don't forget that we (humans) bond through vulnerability. Anyone who tells you to behave otherwise likely hasn't done too much of that themselves
Nope, they have not. They think it’s all about being an iron pumping alpha male.Don't forget that we (humans) bond through vulnerability. Anyone who tells you to behave otherwise likely hasn't done too much of that themselves
Jordy
Well-Known Member
Only if the person can actually you help you be less vulnerable. And no one bonds over being weak spirited, if you are you are unlikely to be able to help the other person.Don't forget that we (humans) bond through vulnerability. Anyone who tells you to behave otherwise likely hasn't done too much of that themselves
This is what I'm talking about here, vulnerability isn't a weakness. We're not talking about people who drain others or incessantly complain to gain sympathy of others. There's a gigantic difference between the two that apparently some people can't see for some reason.
rainfall
Playing in the rain =P
Reading this thread, it feels like you getting a girlfriend is what will prove your worth. I don't think it's as much about you actually having a girlfriend more than it is not wanting to feel like you're a total failure to your parents, those you feel don't want you to be happy, etc.
Because of my dysfunctional family, I grew up co-dependent without knowing it and didn't really have any boundaries. I was trampled all over while I gave everything to help anyone I could. If they were happy, I had value. If they were sad or upset, I wasn't doing enough and was worthless. I don't have that problem anymore.
My concern for you is that when you do get a date or a girlfriend (and I believe you will), you will have expectations that she cannot reach. You've already put her on a pedestal and the only way from there is down. When we have unhealthy attachments, hardly anything can truly be good because we aren't seeing clearly.
I used to compare myself to my siblings too. I have three siblings, one is married, one is in a good relationship finally away from her abusive past one and plans to be married and one who has sworn off relationships without having one. I, myself, am 36 with a 13 year old son. His dad (my first and only relationship) left us 6 years ago after being married for almost 7 years and he has been with another woman and I found out last year they have a son together. There's so much I didn't know about relationships that I know now and wish I did then.
Some here have already said these things, but there are questions we can ask ourselves. How much time, effort, money, etc. am I willing to give towards a romantic interest? If you don't like your schedule being interrupted, do you think you could make changes or tweak it any to involve your romantic interest? Can you set boundaries with your mother? If you can't set boundaries with her, you are likely to be taken advantage of by a future girlfriend and you don't need that at all. A book that helped me realize I even needed boundaries is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is Christian, but I believe it can be helpful to anyone because it helps you see where others end and you begin.
I know what it's like to be so depressed that nothing has color and there's an excuse for everything and how frustrating it is when people point it out because it truly feels like there's no way at all. But it seems like you have many supporters here and if you tried to focus on them and not on the the ones you feel hate you, I'm sure you can have a more positive, realistic outlook on your life and prospects. As a probably poor example, it's like those youtubers who make whole videos about their haters and barely recognize at all the ones who have supported them to become big channels. Why do the haters deserve any of your attention? So many people have poured into you so much wisdom, care, support and time here. It's hard to accept, but the only one stopping you from progressing is you.
@tree actually helped me a bit with this a long time ago. I was telling myself a very negative story and she pointed it out and I was frustrated and angry, because I didn't feel that I was. But, when I thought about her advice for a bit, I realized that I was telling a negative story and I told it to myself enough that I believed it, but it wasn't true.
What if you told yourself a good story? What if, instead of saying it's practically impossible and you have no chances that you instead say, "Hey, people have said good things about me. I do have some good characteristics. I can set boundaries with my mother no matter how difficult that may be. No matter how difficult and frustrating this is, I can keep trying and putting in effort to find a date that eventually will lead to a girlfriend and one day a wife. My siblings may already have relationships, but I'm not them, I'm me. I don't have to be like them or live up to them because there's no one like me in this world. I'm uniquely myself so I can't compare myself to anyone else. This is hard, but I can do it." And Markness, you surely can. =)
Because of my dysfunctional family, I grew up co-dependent without knowing it and didn't really have any boundaries. I was trampled all over while I gave everything to help anyone I could. If they were happy, I had value. If they were sad or upset, I wasn't doing enough and was worthless. I don't have that problem anymore.
My concern for you is that when you do get a date or a girlfriend (and I believe you will), you will have expectations that she cannot reach. You've already put her on a pedestal and the only way from there is down. When we have unhealthy attachments, hardly anything can truly be good because we aren't seeing clearly.
I used to compare myself to my siblings too. I have three siblings, one is married, one is in a good relationship finally away from her abusive past one and plans to be married and one who has sworn off relationships without having one. I, myself, am 36 with a 13 year old son. His dad (my first and only relationship) left us 6 years ago after being married for almost 7 years and he has been with another woman and I found out last year they have a son together. There's so much I didn't know about relationships that I know now and wish I did then.
Some here have already said these things, but there are questions we can ask ourselves. How much time, effort, money, etc. am I willing to give towards a romantic interest? If you don't like your schedule being interrupted, do you think you could make changes or tweak it any to involve your romantic interest? Can you set boundaries with your mother? If you can't set boundaries with her, you are likely to be taken advantage of by a future girlfriend and you don't need that at all. A book that helped me realize I even needed boundaries is Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is Christian, but I believe it can be helpful to anyone because it helps you see where others end and you begin.
I know what it's like to be so depressed that nothing has color and there's an excuse for everything and how frustrating it is when people point it out because it truly feels like there's no way at all. But it seems like you have many supporters here and if you tried to focus on them and not on the the ones you feel hate you, I'm sure you can have a more positive, realistic outlook on your life and prospects. As a probably poor example, it's like those youtubers who make whole videos about their haters and barely recognize at all the ones who have supported them to become big channels. Why do the haters deserve any of your attention? So many people have poured into you so much wisdom, care, support and time here. It's hard to accept, but the only one stopping you from progressing is you.
@tree actually helped me a bit with this a long time ago. I was telling myself a very negative story and she pointed it out and I was frustrated and angry, because I didn't feel that I was. But, when I thought about her advice for a bit, I realized that I was telling a negative story and I told it to myself enough that I believed it, but it wasn't true.
What if you told yourself a good story? What if, instead of saying it's practically impossible and you have no chances that you instead say, "Hey, people have said good things about me. I do have some good characteristics. I can set boundaries with my mother no matter how difficult that may be. No matter how difficult and frustrating this is, I can keep trying and putting in effort to find a date that eventually will lead to a girlfriend and one day a wife. My siblings may already have relationships, but I'm not them, I'm me. I don't have to be like them or live up to them because there's no one like me in this world. I'm uniquely myself so I can't compare myself to anyone else. This is hard, but I can do it." And Markness, you surely can. =)
But how can I believe in the story?
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You can respond by enforcing your personal boundaries, emancipating yourself from your mother, and living independently.I can’t think of how to respond to this.
You don't seem to have much trouble believing
other stories you tell yourself.
What's the difficulty with being kindly supportive
toward yourself?
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