I can't even...

[SPEED RACER]

So you are a Libra? I am as well and will be 49 on Monday the 5th. My sister will be 46 next Saturday the 3rd. Happy Birthday. Libras are great people if I say so myself.

thank you is your sister on the spectrum also?

 

[MARGARETMARYANTOINETTE]

She might be from what my mom thinks. We are trying to sort this all out and wanting to see where it originated and have been reading about it over the past year or so. It is very overwhelming for us and the clinicians do not have enough info and are not quite as informed as they need to be about this sitch.

 

[DC1346]

I have been unemployed and in therapy for months now, and I haven't made any progress.

I decided that in order to ease myself back into the work force I would take some volunteer work at the local food bank.

Is working at a food bank aligned with your interests?

I have an interest in all things culinary, so I parlayed my interest into a career as a Culinary Arts teacher. By doing this I have found that my interest has largely helped to offset the stress I feel from having to go out into the world. Being a teacher also allows me to build structure and routines into my daily schedule. For me my job is not so much a job as it is a way of life.

What are your interests?

 

[Datura]

Thank you everyone who has responded. I called an emergency health line and spend the evening trying to relax. I am feeling a lot better an more clear headed now.

I suggest pinpointing the cause of your anxiety if you have not done so already. If it's purely chemical, I recommend medication to balance yourself back out. And not necessarily anti-depressants, there are various hormones and other chemicalish stuff in the body that can screw with your head. If the anxiety is something in the past, perhaps a new therapist who knows will experiment with various exercises and meditation to help you get calmed down. If it's from environmental issues, perhaps getting help fixing your environment whether it's asking your parents to be more understanding or finding somebody who knows how to break this really annoying crappy job market long enough for you to get a job that makes you happy. And if it's from a combination of everything, I wish you much love and patience from those you're around to help you sort it out and get on your feet.

As far as plain ol' coping goes, I like music and sometimes movies. I'll listen to something really blue so I can really indulge in it. Then I get sick of it after a little bit and start switching to something more chipper. Before long I'm feeling pretty good. Sometimes I just argue with myself. "I got work to do and I'm in the way, so me get out of the way and let me work!"

What is the root cause of my anxiety? I believe it could be a number of factors. For starters, I am on lisdexamphetamine right now to tread ADD. I have not noticed any change in my ability to focus or organize, but it does seem to elevate my stress and sensory issues. I should probably stop taking it. It's just that my GP told me to give it some time to see how I react and I have been trying to play by the rules.

The larger issue, it seems, is my desire to achieve something. I have so many unfinished ideas - perhaps too many. Songs, stories, inventions, role playing systems; ideas come to me constantly, but rarely do my ideas come to anything. Either I can't focus on one thing for long enough, or I am too tired. Lately my tolerance for frustration has also become incredibly low, so any tenacity I once had is gone.

Perhaps I have also conditioned myself to anticipate anxiety, so I am experiencing a kind of meta-anxt. I have been avoiding schooling because I fear having a breakdown. Now it seems I avoid leaving my house for the same reason. If I can figgure out how to disrupt these thought patterns life would be much easier.

Of course my internal dialogue is saying, "You know that won't happen. Things don't get better. You can't just turn me off like a switch. You're stuck. Right here. With me."

Ugh! If I could divorce myself I would.

 

[AsheSkyler]

What is the root cause of my anxiety? I believe it could be a number of factors. For starters, I am on lisdexamphetamine right now to tread ADD. I have not noticed any change in my ability to focus or organize, but it does seem to elevate my stress and sensory issues. I should probably stop taking it. It's just that my GP told me to give it some time to see how I react and I have been trying to play by the rules.

The larger issue, it seems, is my desire to achieve something. I have so many unfinished ideas - perhaps too many. Songs, stories, inventions, role playing systems; ideas come to me constantly, but rarely do my ideas come to anything. Either I can't focus on one thing for long enough, or I am too tired. Lately my tolerance for frustration has also become incredibly low, so any tenacity I once had is gone.

Perhaps I have also conditioned myself to anticipate anxiety, so I am experiencing a kind of meta-anxt. I have been avoiding schooling because I fear having a breakdown. Now it seems I avoid leaving my house for the same reason. If I can figgure out how to disrupt these thought patterns life would be much easier.

Of course my internal dialogue is saying, "You know that won't happen. Things don't get better. You can't just turn me off like a switch. You're stuck. Right here. With me."

Ugh! If I could divorce myself I would.

I'd say it's safe to tell your physician that your prescription is potentially causing more harm than good if enough of the probation period has passed. Perhaps a different prescription would help?

In the artsy circles I'm in, sometimes we'll get somebody who is into a lot of different fields and interests, and they get that awful tug-of-war from one to the other. What the old pros and proficient hobbyists recommend is to make a list of all the things you want to accomplish, and then rank them. The most important one takes precedence and is the main focus. The less important the following items are, the less often they are worked on.
The other method is to put them into an order and then rotate through them. One person said they had a rhythm of either two days or two weeks. For those days or weeks, they would devote all their energy to that one hobby. Then focus on the next in the cycle.

I fully understand the exhaustion thing though. I've had to put my favorite hobby on the backburner for a month and it has me pretty bummed. Right now I'm focusing on some simple organizing and mindless jotting down of lists since it's better than nothing and I don't have the resources to spare for my hobby.

I haven't tried it yet, but I hear sites like MIT Open Courseware offer free courses to work at your own pace and you only pay for the certification tests. It might have changed since I last visited, I've had that link for a while. If they have your field you're interested in, perhaps you could do try it out and see how you do. If it doesn't bother you too bad, go for it officially.

As for those pesky thoughts, I have no clue. I usually quote tshirts until it makes me feel better. "Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a q-tip again!"

 

[Cosmophylla]

Thank you everyone who has responded. I called an emergency health line and spend the evening trying to relax. I am feeling a lot better an more clear headed now.

That's good. I'm glad to hear you sought help and are feeling better.

It's just that my GP told me to give it some time to see how I react and I have been trying to play by the rules.

And this sounds sensible. If you've been on it for a while and your symptoms seems worse, though, it sounds like it's time to go back to the GP and reassess its efficacy.

The larger issue, it seems, is my desire to achieve something. I have so many unfinished ideas - perhaps too many. Songs, stories, inventions, role playing systems; ideas come to me constantly, but rarely do my ideas come to anything. Either I can't focus on one thing for long enough, or I am too tired. Lately my tolerance for frustration has also become incredibly low, so any tenacity I once had is gone.

I know exactly how you feel. This is my life, too, and I've read a number of posts from other AC members who feel this. I'm overflowing with ideas; they spill out of me like a fountain. I'm inspired by so many things and want to try my hand at almost every handicraft that was ever invented. I have boxes of unfinished projects, a cupboard of unfinished paintings, and a half written novel, have started and given up on businesses, and have started several postgraduate courses but keep withdrawing because I freak out. It's so frustrating isn't it? To feel that despite such creativity and intelligence that there isn't much to show for it. I often think we should all get together and start a business! But what???? There must be something that can emcompass all our strengths and skills while allowing us to be ourselves...

I read that this kind of behaviour- starting many things but not finishing them- is both a symptom of ADD and of OCD perfectionist type. ( I suspect I have both of these and am going to pursue it with a psych.) perhaps this is what's going on with you? I don't know a lot about it but if you also have this kind of OCD that may explain why the meds aren't working so well for you. Just wondering.

Perhaps I have also conditioned myself to anticipate anxiety, so I am experiencing a kind of meta-anxt. I have been avoiding schooling because I fear having a breakdown. Now it seems I avoid leaving my house for the same reason. If I can figgure out how to disrupt these thought patterns life would be much easier.

Have you tried any mindfulness exercises? One I like when I'm in the middle of losing it is this: look around and count five things you see. Any five things. Then listen and count five things you can hear. Then become aware of your sense of touch, and count five things you can feel. By this time you should be feeling calmer, but if not, you can do it again and again. It's a good one for keeping rising panic, anxiety and anger from overwhelming you.

Ugh! If I could divorce myself I would.

Perhaps another thing you could try is visualising this during a relaxation session (aka, lying on your bed, eyes closed, breathing slowly, and daydreaming). Not actually divorcing yourself, but visualising setting aside those emotions that are making you feel so bad. You could try picturing yourself taking out your anxiety and putting it in a box, or picture yourself walking out the door and being greeted by something that is really positive for you (maybe some friendly cephalopods? You could imagine going outside and being underwater, swimming with millions of flamboyant cuttlefish..why not?). Doesn't matter if it's completely impossible in real life, the point is to associate going outside, or something else you're anxious about, with positive experiences and emotions.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I haven't tried it yet, but I hear sites like MIT Open Courseware offer free courses to work at your own pace and you only pay for the certification tests. It might have changed since I last visited, I've had that link for a while. If they have your field you're interested in, perhaps you could do try it out and see how you do. If it doesn't bother you too bad, go for it officially.

Thanks for this! It's really interesting. However, it looks like they don't offer certification any more. Bummer.

http://ocw.mit.edu/help/get-started-with-ocw/

• Please note: you cannot receive credit, a degree, or a certificate upon completion of OCW materials. OCW does not have registration or enrollment options, and we do not provide interaction or direct contact with MIT faculty, staff, or students.

 

[StephF]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad but please don't put yourself down. I'm sure you aren't a parasite you just going through some bad ****.
Give yourself a break and be kind t yourself. I don't know about getting external help but I'm sure there will be something out there to help you through.

*offering big hugs if you want them*

 

[royinpink]

It's a cliche refrain, but quite germain to my present predicament.

I have been unemployed and in therapy for months now, and I haven't made any progress.

I decided that in order to ease myself back into the work force I would take some volunteer work at the local food bank. It seemed like something I could do. It was low pressure, only a couple of days a week for a few hours at a time, and I would be giving back to the community and engaging with the outside world, rather than spending time in issolation with my own vicious thoughts.

Leading up to my shift today I had a total breakdown. I started crying, then laughing, and experienced this sharp pain between my eyes. I felt like killing myself, and might have actually tried if there were nobody to miss me.

How can I stop these feelings? They are holding me back from doing anything and making me totally dependent on other people. I was actually doing really well for a couple of years there, but now everything has fallen apart and I am just as bad as ever. I feel useless and stupid and I don't know what I am going to say to my parents when they get home. They are going to be so dissapointed in me.

I am so sick of being this whiny, sulking, parasite. I have no good reason for feeling the way I do, no legitimate impedements. I try to tell myself, "You are an intelligent, brave, capable woman. You can do anything!", but it doesn't work.

Nothing seems to work...

I'm not sure how to tackle EVERYTHING here, but maybe that is not what you need to do anyway... my thought is this: you made a plan to ease yourself into work. That's great! It didn't go as well as you hoped. That's normal--you've been going through a lot, and the first step is always the hardest. You had a meltdown. Again, that is normal with a big change. But it is out of your system now. That's good. Sometimes that helps to get rid of built up stress. Maybe it will be easier next time. Don't push yourself--you need a little while to recover, but when you are ready, try again.

This stumble is not a failure because you are stumbling in the right direction. Any step in that direction, however small or hesitant or painful, is still a step in that direction.

I really hope you feel better.

ETA: Oh, I see more has been posted that I hadn't read yet when I posted this. Hope it's not too irrelevant now.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Thank you everyone who has responded. I called an emergency health line and spend the evening trying to relax. I am feeling a lot better an more clear headed now.



What is the root cause of my anxiety? I believe it could be a number of factors. For starters, I am on lisdexamphetamine right now to tread ADD. I have not noticed any change in my ability to focus or organize, but it does seem to elevate my stress and sensory issues. I should probably stop taking it. It's just that my GP told me to give it some time to see how I react and I have been trying to play by the rules.

The larger issue, it seems, is my desire to achieve something. I have so many unfinished ideas - perhaps too many. Songs, stories, inventions, role playing systems; ideas come to me constantly, but rarely do my ideas come to anything. Either I can't focus on one thing for long enough, or I am too tired. Lately my tolerance for frustration has also become incredibly low, so any tenacity I once had is gone.

Perhaps I have also conditioned myself to anticipate anxiety, so I am experiencing a kind of meta-anxt. I have been avoiding schooling because I fear having a breakdown. Now it seems I avoid leaving my house for the same reason. If I can figgure out how to disrupt these thought patterns life would be much easier.

Of course my internal dialogue is saying, "You know that won't happen. Things don't get better. You can't just turn me off like a switch. You're stuck. Right here. With me."

Ugh! If I could divorce myself I would.

Datura, I am so sorry. Your opening post broke my heart. And this one made me vibrate, like a tuning fork.

Is your GP an actual general practitioner or someone with medical education in psych pharmaceuticals? My psychiatrist never risked me by making me stay on a drug that made my conditions worse. Playing by the rules on this can really cause very serious risks (although a sudden withdrawal can also be problematic). I am not a doctor, and this isn't medical advice, but please, have a follow-up conversation with your GP as soon as you can do it.

Desiring to achieve something, to make a positive difference in the world, that's a good thing. Until it turns into a whip. I have this one myself. Curiously, flagellating myself for being insignificant doesn't seem to be doing anything useful towards making a positive difference in the world. If I look up at the stars at night, and realize those same stars can be seen by anyone, I realize that from some points of view, we are all insignificant...

except to the people who love us, the people whom we love, the animals we aspies often connect with so easily.

In more practical terms, it has helped me to find some "project partners" when I want to make a bigger difference. A specific problem to solve seems to help. So does any real-time activity with a short deadline.

Spot on about conditioning to anxiety. I have come to believe this is true of me also; it's not just that I have a very, very strong predisposition to anxiety, but I've learned it to be a normal state of mind to be in fear of things I can neither see nor, sometimes, even name. Still working on this one myself. I am looking at anxiety now the way I look at anger: it's fuel. What I use it as fuel for is still up to me.

Agree with royinpink, above, also.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Datura, I don't know if you can see this but here in this very thread is proof that you are doing something positive and meaningful with your life: by connecting with complete strangers who also feel the same kind of pain, anxiety, alienation, frustration... We are all supporting each other and discussing our pain. That's really powerful therapy you have given us the opportunity to share.

Just keep in mind that you are touching our hearts here. Thank you for starting this thread.

 

[MARGARETMARYANTOINETTE]

It sounds like most of us have been going through the same things - doubting ourselves, being misdiagnosed, suffering from ADD, prescribed meds to see if they treat some of the symptoms. It looks like we are all intelligent, and very creative in our thinking. I loved reading all of the posts starting with Datura's after 1 pm yesterday seeing what everyone suggests and trying to support her. She also offered some great info 12 hours later after talking with a professional over the phone and reading our comments. I think this is a fabulous forum and am so glad I took the most recent post on this portal and replied - which was yesterday after 1 pm. I am learning so much from all of you and look forward to hearing more about each person's story and or thoughts. Meg

 

[royinpink]

For starters, I am on lisdexamphetamine right now to tread ADD. I have not noticed any change in my ability to focus or organize, but it does seem to elevate my stress and sensory issues. I should probably stop taking it. It's just that my GP told me to give it some time to see how I react and I have been trying to play by the rules.

Yeah, I would be very careful with this. Autistic people are notorious for not responding to psychotropic medication quite the same way that NTs do. The change should be noticeably good, or it's not worth it. You know your body better than anyone else. When my psychiatrist finally understood the extent of my side effects on a normal dose of SSRIs, she was amazed I still tried to "play by the rules" and get through the initial 2 weeks. She only did this after I explained the autism diagnosis, gave her info on autistics who need lower dosage of SSRIs, and documented my side effects in a medication journal. Before then, she would try to explain them away and clearly thought it was not possible for me to feel that way, so I must be exaggerating.

I am looking up what Temple Grandin wrote because it is the only source I know of information about reactions of autistic people to meds, consolidated and summarized for the general public, and for ADHD, she has the following (this is from Thinking in Pictures):

"A trial of one or two pills is all that is needed to determine if stimulants will be helpful or terrible."

"Some Asperger individuals have good results with stimulant drugs such as Ritalin. With high-functioning people with either autism or Asperger's, stimulants or other ADHD drugs may have either a beneficial effect or a really bad effect. ... However, individuals on the lower end of the autism spectrum often have bad results with ADHD medications."
​

The other mention of ADHD is in a section about diet and supplements. Don't know if you're interested in that, but cutting sugar and wheat and/or dairy, and supplementing with magnesium or fish oil (the last specifically for ADHD symptoms), have all been mentioned as things that benefit some but not all people on the spectrum. "If the diet is going to work, the good effects should become apparent within two to four weeks."

From personal experience, I have an aspie friend who tried dextroamphetamine (which, imo, was recklessly prescribed to her by the campus health center because she was worried about focusing while reading) and reacted basically like a meth addict. It was bizarre. She became hydrophobic, insomniac, cleaned obsessively, lost weight, had sugar cravings, etc. etc. After she finally got off it, she had I think 6 or 7 cavities she had to get filled (I drove her to the dentist).

Another thing to note is that ADD (minus the hyperactivity) is largely about executive functioning, which is something shared by ASD. Some of us are more/differently affected by executive dysfunction than others, which may fit the ADHD profile and be enough to receive a separate ADHD diagnosis. But just because it has a different label doesn't mean it is something 'separate to' and 'different from' our autism. It is all part of how our brain is wired. My 2 cents.

 

[seanyboi1983]

Hey. Sorry to hear your having a rough time. The despair at not being able to function to the expectations of those close to you is a struggle which as I'm sure you know we are faced with regularly so admiring defeat now is the same as admiring defeat in the future and neither are scenarios you should consider allowing yourself to remain in.

If it's any help to you, iv spent my life working manual labour jobs and low skilled jobs until I much like you, could not handle the pressure and more and had a breakdown. My wife and I decided it was time she became the bread winner and I would look after the kids. She is now on her way to a career she never thought possible, and since I couldnt imagine anything worse than trying to reintegrate into a "normal" workplace, im now able to focus on making my "special intrest" (music composer/ producer) a home business (if I can) point is... don't bend yourself around a world of other people's expectations, cos that's gona stretch you too far... Instead realise who you are and fund what fits you, your life, and your requirements to function. I was scared to go the road I'm going for fear of become a recluse who makes money producing music at home, but it will bring happiness, and protection for me not having to endure that all over again.

Best of luck, I hope you find yours

 

[Datura]

I have now stopped taking the lisdexamphetamine. Already I feel a lot less tense. The tight feeling in my chest and pervasive sense of fear are gone.

My GP has this weird pattern of giving people medications that don't work for them, and then asking his patients to go back on them after they quit. This is the second time he has done this to me this year and in both cases the results were predictable. Maybe it is time I sought out a new GP. It's just that I've had him as my doctor my entire life, and having somebody else would just feel weird. But I suppose that is a rather poor reason.

I managed to get out and do some work today, helping a friend move. It wasn't exactly fun (too much chaos and interpersonal tension) but I at least it grounded me in the moment and gave me a sense of acomplishment. I am really trying to implement what I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy by not allowing my depression to determine my actions. Through engaging in "healthy" actions I will hopefully be able to stimulate more positive thoughts and emotions. That is the theory, anyway.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I have now stopped taking the lisdexamphetamine. Already I feel a lot less tense. The tight feeling in my chest and pervasive sense of fear are gone.

Maybe it is time I sought out a new GP. It's just that I've had him as my doctor my entire life, and having somebody else would just feel weird. But I suppose that is a rather poor reason.

That's excellent to hear that you're feeling better already! Looks like your fluid intelligence was working correctly.

Yes sometimes we hold onto things that aren't right for us because switching to something different is so disruptive. I hope you can find a GP that better meets your needs.

Through engaging in "healthy" actions I will hopefully be able to stimulate more positive thoughts and emotions. That is the theory, anyway.

That's great logic. I'm doing the same to try to recover from this illness that has kept me in bed for a month, and I think it's working. Being gentle with oneself while giving oneself purpose is a good incentive to keep going, and kickstarts the motor when it's failing. You have a sound theory, I think.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have now stopped taking the lisdexamphetamine. Already I feel a lot less tense. The tight feeling in my chest and pervasive sense of fear are gone.

My GP has this weird pattern of giving people medications that don't work for them, and then asking his patients to go back on them after they quit. This is the second time he has done this to me this year and in both cases the results were predictable. Maybe it is time I sought out a new GP. It's just that I've had him as my doctor my entire life, and having somebody else would just feel weird. But I suppose that is a rather poor reason.

Aye, definitely might want to start hunting. It's taken me a while, but I think I've finally gotten a physician that gives a rip about me, unlike several past instances like with your current one. I'm starting to think that "do no harm" oath is more of a TV thing.

 

[allie]

to datura and everyone else - please do not blame yourself for problems related to working. working requires a very high degree of conformism and strictness that is challenging even for peoples thought processes it was designed for.

when i feel bad about problems related to work or school, i remind myself that i have a right to continue living, a right to have food to eat and a place to call home , INDEPENDENT OF my ability to fit into an extremely conformist system. we all do.

it's very difficult i know, but try to realize that people are not their accomplishments, are not how much money they have. people have inherent worth, and having or not having accomplishments doesn't increase or decrease your inborn humanity.